authenticity vs invisibility... invisibility wins

[Mia]

Plus, I'm not sure I would be able to keep my job if this information gets too far. So in a way, this discussion is moot anyway. Even if I found people who fully accepted me and liked all my messiness, I'm not sure I could afford the risk to my job by making my AS public info.

We did the same thing, when I retired and he retired we mentioned it to people we knew. The entire time we worked neither of us mentioned ASD. Luckily for my spouse at his job everyone was geeky, awkward and didn't make eye contact, his boss once told him that he couldn't recognize people's emotions. So although we both still have to pretend 'normal' in public, it's much less problematic as it's not everyday and its for a limited time.

 

[Cali Cat]

There are only a choice few people in front of whom I can truly be myself. Really only one who's still alive.

You are correct that the advice to "be yourself" is not right for everyone, nor does it apply in all situations.

You may just be feeling frustrated now, but when you've had time to recoup, perhaps you can just take things slowly with others and not be too critical of yourself.

Invisibility can become a bit of a bore. I like to use it sparingly nowadays, since I've gotten to the age where I don't give a rat's ass what anyone thinks of me outside of the business world.

 

[WereBear]

I'm not certain what denomination you have been attending, and I admire your decision to make your current church about your kids.

But things do not have to end there. Patheos.com is a great site for almost any religious walk of life, with a great comment section. This is where I get most of my spiritual discussion needs met.

If you could seek out some Quakers or Unitarians? Just for yourself? They are pretty mellow and accepting, and don't get hung up on dogma, so there are not the same rules of conformity. Many Christians have a low tolerance for any kind of outside of the norm thinking and behavior, since their ministers tend to enforce The One True Way in areas it does not belong, in my opinion.

And since you are having so much trouble with gauging feedback, this isn't a job for timorous civilians. I agree that a good therapist could fulfill this function, and give you more confidence in social situations.

I've come to think that an Aspie's biggest problem with social contact is constantly encountering people chasing social conformity, when we just don't do that, or care about it. I never had more than one friend at a time until I fell in with an art crowd in high school. They reveled in thier individuality. It was just what I needed.

Likewise, there is probably a group near you, or at least on the Web, you can start getting the proper feedback from and have your discussions. It could be a good way of starting to have your own needs met.

It is also not a matter of trying so hard to fit in. It should also be a quest to find the right people.

 

[Catlover614]

I empathize with you DogwoodTree ,I am a Christian and I have stopped going to church because I also am unable to mingle and participate in church socials. I think I have mastered the skill of invisibility and I don't even know why I exist at all. Sometimes, I wish I wasn't even born....too much pressure of "coming out of my comfort zone" and "taking a leap of faith". Excuse me, but I have been uncomfortable my whole life and when I discovered that I have Aspergers, I feel like it's my right as a human to not have to live up to anyone else's standards. I still read my Bible, I still worship Him, I still pray, and I watch Joel Osteen. He's an awesome preacher. It's good that you at least have a job and able to provide for your family. And if people can't accept your weirdness, that's their loss. An important life lesson that I have learned is that before you expect others to accept you, you need to accept yourself first and love yourself because you are one of a kind and a good person. May God bless you and your family.

 

[Tom]

What you describe makes me think of a detour that Aspies have to take, while NTs remain on the main road. Those NTs closest to us will accompany us on the detour at times, sometimes great stretches. And we will walk with NTs on the main road a little or a lot. But neither of us, AS or NT can switch roads permanently no more then the diving bird could live totally underwater and the flying fish always in the air. Our nature is our nature, unchangeble. You can't therefore compare yourself, determine your intrinsic value in reference to the other type.

 

[DogwoodTree]

this isn't a job for timorous civilians. I agree that a good therapist could fulfill this function, and give you more confidence in social situations.

Yes, I've been seeing a professional therapist for a while now. He's good, but he has no magic wands.

Patheos.com is a great site for almost any religious walk of life, with a great comment section. This is where I get most of my spiritual discussion needs met.

I spent a lot of time on ChristianForums.com discussing and discussing when I went through a faith shift a few years ago. That kind of thing was good for that time, but I'm having trouble maintaining a purely intellectual interest at this point.

It seems that none of it really matters if there's no relationship where intimacy, honesty, and respect are nurtured. I don't want to argue online anymore about theology or biblical exegesis or any of the rest of it. I want to grow as a person. I want to learn how to be a healthy person in a relationship. I want to feel connected to people.

If you could seek out some Quakers or Unitarians? Just for yourself?

It's not really the spiritual issues that set me apart as being so weird (well, depends on the group actually). It's more the social issues, and maybe just the way my thoughts work. Or maybe the problem is that I really don't know what I want anymore.

I tried a Christian mindfulness group, and those people were just loopy ("I'm here because I want to be here! Isn't that so great?!"). I tried a New Agey yoga group (I like the teacher, but never could figure out how to get a real conversation going). I tried a meditation group led by a psychiatrist (she said, because I asked what's the difference between meditation and dissociation, that I didn't belong in a meditation group and should stick with therapy).

I don't know of any Quaker or Unitarian groups around here, but I suspect I would still have the same social issues no matter what group I try to join.

It is also not a matter of trying so hard to fit in. It should also be a quest to find the right people.

Maybe it's not really about connecting with people at all. Maybe that's where I've gotten off track. Maybe I need to let go of the idea that I "need" friends, and just focus on becoming the best version of myself I can be.

Problem is, that doesn't work very well in a social vacuum. But I've not been able to find people I could get close enough to, where I could learn from example what healthy relationships look like.

I learned a lot of very unhealthy relational dynamics from my family of origin, and I want to overwrite those with healthier relational patterns. I want to treat people right. I want to face the junk in me that causes these problems.

Did you know that relationships don't exist for the sole purpose of building up the other person's ego? I didn't know that. My role in all of my significant relationships was to help make the other person feel better about themselves. Emotional gratification. That was my purpose in life...with my parents, with my siblings, with my "friends." I believed I was supposed to pour on the praise and the sympathy at every opportunity so the other person could feel good. That was the pattern I observed in my family, and that was what brought me freedom from emotional retaliation or abuse. So that's what I did. That's what I thought a "healthy" relationship looked like. I didn't like the idea of other people providing me with this emotional gratification, but I figured that at some point in my life, I would become healthy enough and sophisticated enough to be able to receive this from others.

But that's not how it works.

Now that I know that, I can begin to back off from this behavior. I wish someone could have just told me that a long time ago, but I had to discover it for myself over years and years of exploration and trial-and-error. What else do I think is normal but it's not? I don't know yet.

And even as I identify unhealthy patterns, I still don't know what to replace them with.

So if relationships don't exist for the purpose of emotionally gratifying one or the other person, what do they exist for??

 

[DanR]

I think relationships exist to help us understand God. Like, my wife finds I don’t communicate enough (ever heard that one?). Now my spousal relationship is a clumsy picture of the church’s relationship to God. We, in the church, the bride of Christ, sometimes feel like we aren’t hearing from God. Like my wife has trouble getting communication out of me. It’s just a little picture. She has trouble hearing from me; we sometimes have trouble hearing from Him. It doesn’t mean He’s not there, He’s there, we’re just having trouble communicating. Without this picture, it would be more difficult to understand God’s silences. In my case, it's because I'm male. In His case, it's because He's growing us, testing us, or because we've not turned from our sin.

Other relationships are pictures of other spiritual things too. That was just an example. Sometimes the relationship is a negative example too. Sounds like you’ve seen a few of those.

I stay invisible most all the time too. Once in a while it comes out and the result is often unpleasant, so I stay invisible. Once upon a time, I was in the Navy. That didn’t go well.

About church: I’ve had to remain invisible in churches too, mostly in larger churches, but I don’t think it’s the size of the body, I think it’s the age of the body (old wineskins, perhaps?). I think that if there’s an ensconced social structure (whether it’s a church or some other organization), atypical people have to stay looking real ‘normal’ for a long while before people warm up. It’s just human nature. I think NTs have to look real normal for a long time before people open up to them too.

The church my wife and I were attending started a branch in a neighboring city. We jumped at the chance to be where there wasn’t an established social structure. I figured if I was in at the ground floor, I (and my idiosyncrasies) would be part of the structure.

To my surprise, there came from the parent church several Aspie families; a high percentage of Aspies in the new, small congregation. I think they were staying invisible at the old place too, but in the new local body, people open up because there’s no extant structure. So I’m a little weird and everybody’s OK with it. Some others are too and everybody’s ok with it. And best, my wife (an NT) gets to fellowship with other NT spouses of Aspies. It’s really worked out great for us. If you’re in the Baltimore area I’d be glad to give you additional info. I’m not physically in that area right now (my company has me on a field assignment – I’ll be back in October).
Dan

 

[DogwoodTree]

I think relationships exist to help us understand God.

Hm, yes.

The bad examples can deeply pollute one's understanding and interpreted experience of God. Now I'm stuck at the part where I'm trying to find good relationships to repair my expectations of God.

I think overall, at an intellectual level, I realize some of what I need to accomplish. But I don't get the intricacies of how to do it.

There are people I met through our previous church who say they're my friends. But they haven't contacted me in months. I'd like to start conversations with them on Facebook or email or whatever, but I don't have a clue what to say. I've tried many, many different approaches over the past few years especially, and it seems like their responses are always to give a minimum response and then shut down the conversation. I don't know what I'm doing wrong, or what I should be doing instead. So I just wait. And they never contact me. And so then I question whether they're really my friends or not.

I don't know how to build connections with people when all of my bids for connection are ignored.

To my surprise, there came from the parent church several Aspie families; a high percentage of Aspies in the new, small congregation.

Is everyone open about their autism, then? I've heard so many horror stories from revealing that information, and my own limited experiences have been pretty negative, too.

If you’re in the Baltimore area I’d be glad to give you additional info.

I'm not near Baltimore, but that sounds like a really good group.

 

[DanR]

It wasn’t all open at first, but then one of the mom’s mentioned to my wife that her son just got a diagnosis. My wife replied that her husband was diagnosed too (yeah, that's me). Then the mom said her husband was too, and that’s when the talking became freer. But that kind of opening up was made a possibility in part because everybody was new. There wasn't that already-in-place network that you can never get into (human nature).

In my previous job, I was having some issues. I talked with the Compliance Officer about my concerns on revealing such info. She said the HR Director would take my info to the grave, so I could feel confident talking to her. The Compliance Officer also went on to say that through her duties, the HR Director would have to reveal my information to others, who would then spread the info around the block. So, although it was safe, it wasn’t safe.

I still had issues (isn’t there one in every crowd?) and felt my only option was to tell so I could get this guy off my back. So I told HR. She suggested I tell my boss. |[Shudder]|. I shuddered again, but eventually agreed. HR called my boss and I into a meeting where the three of us sat there and I spilled the beans.

My boss never did one thing to get me any relief.

I got another job.

My new manager mentioned in passing one day that her Aspie son was going to graduate college. I couldn’t believe my ears; she just came out and said it! Upper management is big on diversity too, and the president or somebody sent out an email to all asking all to consider identifying their status in a database specially set up for that. I’m not that brave, but I did eventually confide in my manager. I haven’t shown her my diagnosis paper yet, but she really doesn’t need it. She treats me well. Ok, I don’t flap at work, but I’m less invisible than I was at that last job.

The job’s not perfect though; there’s one in this crowd too.
Dan

 

[Crossbreed]

I spent a lot of time on ChristianForums.com discussing and discussing when I went through a faith shift a few years ago.

Have you been to the ASD sub-forum there?

 

[DanR]

Let me say I don’t think we should look to people to understand God, but rather look to God to help us love people. Our relationships can be pictures, but they can only be pictures. The Original is the object. Like, “The Heavens declare the glory of God”, but you’ll never get to know Him by looking at clouds. The pictures may help us fill in the cracks in our understanding, but that’s about all. I use the mental picture to remind me of Him when I can’t ‘see’ Him. You’ll never get to know Him by looking at people either. People will eventually let you down. It's the original that informs the picture, not the picture that informs the original.

And as for “how to do it”… I’m baffled too. That’s probably why there’s one in every crowd. My mistakes bring it out in them. If I were NT for them, they’d leave me alone. But I’m not and so it is what it is.

I hear you though, about the social stuff. I have a Facebook acct, but I haven’t used it because I’m not sure how to start (or if I even should start). I have a LinkedIn, but I don’t use it because I’m not sure how. This “other people” business is confusing. It’s sad to say, but I just don’t look for social on my own. It mostly doesn’t work for me; I have a knack for blowing things up without knowing how or why, or sometimes even when. I’m married to an NT, and she does the break-the-ice stuff and I contribute where I can. And that works pretty well for us. I can have some social stuff as long as she’s there to put it back together when it starts to fall apart (or to elbow me when I’m saying something, um, inappropriate).

So what do you think the local church could do to help? What if there was somebody that was skilled in assisting the social process? What would you call them? Somebody that would enjoy helping someone make friends. Not to be the friend, but to be the third wheel. Tricycles almost never fall over.

But to the more practical: I’ve found a small group study useful over the years. I get creeped out when it’s all “Care and Share,” but maybe you don’t. I like to have something specific to do, like study a defined portion, then a little talking (if that goes long, I’ll mess up), and some prayer. I like a group that gives me the freedom to pray out loud or not. Some groups insist all do; some insist that only one does. Either of the two would seem Procrustean to me.

And you, if you had the ideal situation, what would it look like?
Dan

 

[DogwoodTree]

Have you been to the ASD sub-forum there?

I didn't know there was one. I didn't know about my AS when I posting there before. Is it any good?

 

[Judge]

I didn't know there was one. I didn't know about my AS when I posting there before. Is it any good?

Take a peek:

http://www.christianforums.com/forums/autism-aspergers.445/

 

[DogwoodTree]

Very thoughtful response, DanR , thank you.

Let me say I don’t think we should look to people to understand God, but rather look to God to help us love people.

...

It's the original that informs the picture, not the picture that informs the original.

How did you get a good enough experience of who God is to use that relationship in your relating to other people?

So what do you think the local church could do to help?

I really don't know at this point. All of my training and understanding of how that was supposed to work were based on the codependent family system I was raised in, and I've had to dismantle all of those expectations in search of a healthier relationship paradigm. So now I really have no idea what "help" looks like.

What if there was somebody that was skilled in assisting the social process?

I'm not sure I could work with that. I would feel like a pity project. I realize that's just my over-reaction triggered by all the ways I've seen people taken on as "projects" by other people who act like rescuers. I've only seen "help" offered in one-up/one-down relationships, where one person "has it all together" and the other is basically considered helpless or otherwise inferior in some way.

My therapist has pointed out several times that my experiences of "care" and "love" and "safety" and "affection" have all been deeply polluted by past relationships, to the point where these things that are supposed to be good are actually triggers. I don't know how to get around that.

I’ve found a small group study useful over the years

I've tried a couple of small groups. So far, I've not found a group that is willing to go to the depths of discussion I really want to go. They get stuck in a simple Bible study and aren't willing to discuss more complicated topics. For example, one lesson a few months ago was on the topic of holiness. But the way they described holiness, it sounded more like righteousness to me. So I asked the question, "What's the difference between holiness and righteousness?" A quick Google search on my phone showed that there is a significant but nuanced distinction that I wanted to explore with them. But all I got from people were blank stares as if I were speaking a foreign language.

I tried looking for a better small group at different churches, but most churches don't post on their websites much detail about their small groups. I guess that's a security concern? Or maybe just not enough interest? I don't know.

if you had the ideal situation, what would it look like?

It's a good question, but I really don't know anymore. What I thought was "ideal" is not compatible with my neurology, apparently. It seems that what I "need" at a physical level vs. what I "need" at a spiritual level (and emotional, relational, whatever) creates an internal conflict that is impossible to settle.

• I want to be with people, but it's overwhelming to be around people.
• I want to connect with others, but I don't want to be seen or known.
• I want to be challenged in my growth process, but I need a sense of safety.
• I want to trust people, but I don't want to be needy or needed.
• I want to talk about in-depth topics and mysteries, but communicating verbally on these topics is awkward and empty.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Take a peek:

http://www.christianforums.com/forums/autism-aspergers.445/

New reading material for the weekend...perfect timing.

 

[Ylva]

The way I see it, you have to learn to judge people, and judge them fast.

It's not so much the abusive past that I feel the need to disclose. It's mainly the asperger's, and also current struggles dealing with a dysfunctional family. How can I explain my preference not to hug or make eye contact, or my odd body language, or my preference to listen most of the time instead of talking, or my intense interests, or my difficulty mingling, or my resistance to being in loud environments (like not wanting to volunteer to help with the kids' programs), except to explain asperger's? I can force myself to appear more normal, but it's exhausting and there's no sense of having been present with other people if I have to fake "normal" all the time. My more natural way of being with people is noticeably different and unusual.

I demand my boundaries. Anyone who forces a hug on me will be roundly ignored for the rest of my time around them. Maybe you can figure out some balance.

 

[Maelstrom]

I go to church....and use it to practice my NT coping skills...I have got slowly better over the years. Sometimes things still go sideways socially and I take a small break for a few weeks to let the dust settle.
The trick is to be warm and friendly but in small bits at first break the conversation off nicely and go chat with another person if you think you talked too long.

I messed up the week before, so I am hiding out for a bit....but most of the people seem to enjoy my warmness now so long as I try not to talk about my interests too much....Sigh! which is hard to remember not to do.
The basic golden rule seems to be ask, don't tell...the more you ask about others the more they love you.

A (((Hug!))) for DogwoodTree ,....pretend you didn't see the Hug! Ylva ,

 

[DanR]

How did you get a good enough experience of who God is to use that relationship in your relating to other people?

I came to Christ when I was in my teens, and have been in churches ever since, learning the doctrines and the logic behind them, I’ve read the Bible through, but I didn’t really connect with what it meant as a whole. I knew I was saved when I looked at it logically: “God cannot lie; Doctrine of the Trinity; Jesus promised eternal life to those who believe; I believe; therefore I’m saved.” In my brain I was saved, but my heart didn’t feel it. I could see all the trees, but not the forest.

One day I was home, half-asleep, and for some reason my sin came up in my mind. Suddenly I could see it in its ugliness before God. And suddenly I fully realized I was now and was always in the presence of God, but now it’s like He was right there and it was judgment time. I didn’t hear the words; I didn’t have to because I knew my condemnation was just. I could see what I’d done, He could see what I’d done, no words were necessary and I felt the ax, as it were, coming toward my neck, and then … nothing. No ax, no condemnation, no intimidation, no pressure. It was love. It was grace. I was forgiven and I won’t be condemned because Christ already took the hit. He loves me and, before I was born, provided me an escape from the penalty of the sin He knew I would do.

The gospel is only good news to those that perceive their predicament; to the spiritually blind it’s foolishness.

But now I see that was me in their place: spiritually blind, without hope, aimlessly wandering, and if they don’t turn from their sin and to Christ, their fate is horrible. The crazy, hateful, spiteful, prideful things they do, they do because of blindness. But I was also born blind; how can I condemn them? I can only put a hand out and help them, if they will, come to more solid ground.

I've tried a couple of small groups. So far, I've not found a group that is willing to go to the depths of discussion I really want to go. They get stuck in a simple Bible study and aren't willing to discuss more complicated topics. For example, one lesson a few months ago was on the topic of holiness. But the way they described holiness, it sounded more like righteousness to me. So I asked the question, "What's the difference between holiness and righteousness?" A quick Google search on my phone showed that there is a significant but nuanced distinction that I wanted to explore with them. But all I got from people were blank stares as if I were speaking a foreign language.

Yeah, that’s one of the ‘problems’ of being an Aspie: you can think. Not everybody does, you know. And maybe not everybody needs to. Jesus didn’t say “Get all your doctrines straight;” He said “Believe on the One He (God) sent.” But you need to find a fellowship where you are well matched to some of the other congregants. In my local body, the pastor is, in his day job, a lawyer. He doesn’t put out poorly reasoned statements. He uses the correct terms in the correct places, and he uses them logically. Going to church is a breath of fresh air for me.

The writer of the book of Hebrews was frustrated with the same problem. Some want to stay at milk, and milk is correct for the babe, but we should grow to want spiritual meat.

About the internal conflict things: (now I'm having trouble making this quote thing work, sorry - I'm still new here)
You know Christ calls us out of our comfort zone (Peter on the lake), so you're going to have to put up with some discomfort. But it's a question of degrees. I have audio issues, so loud music is beyond the line for me. In one church, I wore earplugs and found a relatively dead zone where I sat. In another church, I was the sound guy, so I kept the audio at a comfortable level myself! In one church, we changed churches. It can take a while to find where you belong.

Everyone is needy. Some just refuse to admit it. When Jesus said "I did not come to call the righteous to repentance, but sinners," He was really saying that He didn't come to call the ones that think they're righteous. When He said "They that are whole need no physician" He was saying that those that think they're whole (good enough) don't need (don't see their very real need for) a physician (Christ). There were two thieves killed also that day. Did you notice Christ said not one word to the non-repentant thief? He would have to acknowledge his needy-ness first.

Everyone is needed. God has given to each one, gifts particular to that person for the health of the body. I don't know what your gifting is, but what He gave you is not for you, it's for His other children. If you keep it to yourself, you're burying your talent in the sand: "Here, you have what is yours." Wouldn't letting the money out to the moneychangers be risky? But that's the calling. The gifts He gave to His other children as "their gifting" are for you, and you don't get access to them by staying away from your brothers and sisters.

I understand about communicating verbally. For me, it's that in-the-moment thing. The noise, the eyes, etc, I'm all distracted. In the quiet I can think. But I must anyway. If it was easy, I wouldn't be challenged. In my case, because my gifting is teaching, I have found that I have requirements: I must be fully prepped; I must be fully rested; I must be eating right; I must be right with the Lord. My friend was lead guitar at church, and one day he started to play. He got about 4 bars in and had to stop. He said: "Hey, wait a minute guys, there's something I gotta get straightened out with the Lord first. I'm sorry." And he stopped there and silently prayed, and then restarted. I don't want to fall under the conviction in front of everybody, so perhaps my pride makes me stay right with the Lord. But when I'm teaching, it's like I'm not even in the room: it's just the material and the congregants. To them I'm visible, but to me, I'm transparent. I'm just the conduit. You'll find your place, and the right place will allow you to move in your gifting in a way that everyone will say "The Lord has done this." I mean, really: the guy with audio issues is the sound guy? the guy on the spectrum is the teacher? It's the Lord's doing.

Please join in. The body needs you. And even if you don't like it, you need the body.
Dan

 

[Tom]

Yes, churches are tricky. Its social interaction and between flawed humans. I think you subconciously expect more from people in a church, because of environment. So its easy to be disappointed and problems can seem magnified.

I try to think of it more like an Alcoholics Anonymous group. People who are all messed up and want to do better. Thats all.

Its not easy. As an Aspie I feel like I am battling on two fronts. Against common negative human nature and social difficulties. But its a pretty friendly envirionment people wise and NT family members make friendships etc. Once in a while I might even hit it off with someone. Someone I might never expect to and have a genuinely good conversation and cup of coffee with.

Your friend upstairs is always the same though, no matter where and among whomever. And somehow churches help me connect with him, keep me closer. Which is very good, as my tendency is to stray.

 

[DogwoodTree]

Please join in. The body needs you. And even if you don't like it, you need the body.

It's not that I disagree with this--you're right. But at a practical level...my efforts to be "part of the body"--to be my real self and not the facade that helps me look more "normal"--resulted in driving other people away to the point where almost no one talked to me when I went back to visit our old church recently. My attempts at being open and vulnerable and real and authentic backfired big time.

So we're in a new church now. What have I learned that I should apply to this new group?
Being authentic = exclusion = failure
Being fake = pretend acceptance = perpetual disconnection

And maybe my concept of authenticity is flawed. Maybe I'm simply revealing too much. Maybe I shouldn't mention Asperger's. Maybe I should never talk about my past. Maybe I can serve in limited capacities that never require me to challenge any sensory issues, so I can maintain the facade.

I'm not afraid of exploring outside my comfort zone--I've done that so many times, I can't count them. That ideal is highly valued in the church I came from especially, to the point where people seemed to believe they wouldn't be blessed by God unless they were willing to make a fool of themselves in worship or in service to Him.

But I'm tired of those theatrics. I'm tired of performing. I just want to be me with God, and with people. Is that bad? If not, then why does it bother people so much? Why do I have to work so hard to get people to like me before I can slowly, carefully, guardedly titrate a few tidbits of my real self into their reality?

This isn't just church, either. It's everywhere. It's with neighbors, with my husband's friends, with the parents of my kids' friends, with relationships from earlier in life, and with anyone else I come across.

The gospel is only good news to those that perceive their predicament

This has only slowly come into my realm of perception. Amid the abuse and mistreatment, I was also raised with a bit of a superiority complex. It was like my mom didn't believe we were truly human--that somehow, human reality was beneath us. Somehow, God loved us more than others, and would protect us from the suffering that other humans had to endure. I can't quite explain how I got both of these extremes--extensive emotional/mental/spiritual and some sexual abuse, while also being taught to think I was "above" suffering.

For example, one of my sisters, when she had her baby, she thought she wouldn't have to deal with the hormonal mood swings that come right after giving birth. She thought she was above that. I remember her telling me how surprised she was that she would have to experience this common and very human challenge. We've all slowly grown in the realization that we're human like everyone else, that the world is not any more safe for us than for many others, that we have the same kinds of character flaws and blind spots and, yes, sin.

Yeah, that’s one of the ‘problems’ of being an Aspie: you can think. Not everybody does, you know. And maybe not everybody needs to. Jesus didn’t say “Get all your doctrines straight;”

I think I do my thinking for the purpose of drawing closer to God by understanding His perspective better. That's not to the exclusion of mystery, but it's very important to me to define the boundaries of that mystery--the distinction between what I'm meant to know, and what is beyond my mental grasp. It's not so much for the sake of being "right" as it is for the sake of appreciating the expanse of mystery outside my reality. Does that make sense?