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Aspie Boyfriend just break up with me. What now?

ItaHelena95

New Member
I met this guy online a few months ago. We started chatting and then after a few months of constant chatting we finally met in person. He already had told me about his asperger, but that day I could see it clear, and I just don´t mind. I did like him as he is.

After a few days he told me that he wasn´t sure he was ready for a relationship. I felt kind of bad but... There was nothing to do. We kept talking (constantly for almost two weeks). And in the end we agreed to met again at his place (I assumed he would feel more comfortable there).

We met and it was awesome, we talked, we made jokes and in the end we slept together. He then asked me to be his girlfriend and I doubted. I thought it was too fast and I was still thinking that just two weeks before he considered not talking to me ever again. The date was perfect, I was in a cloud. We met again and he told me he loves me; at that time I realized I love him as well. We were talking for months and... Yeah, it was clear in my head, I was in love. I still am.

We dated for a month and we did have some arguments, he used to disapear for days without telling me and I was worried. I was worried he wanted to dump me, I was worried I said something wrong, I was worried he had some accident (he likes to go to the forests alone, at night).

We had two rules: If you need to disapear, at least text me goodnight so I know you are safe.
If any of us say something that upsets the other, say it and do not go to bed mad.

We had an argument because he said I was putting too much pressure, that I wasn´t giving him enough space and that I tried to make him feel bad for asking for more space (I promise, I never tried to do that). He ignored me for a day and a half and then texted me back.

He said I was putting too much pressure on him, that we were toxic and that I wasn´t giving him enough space. He told me that he used to love me but now there is too much in his life and that his brain switched off and now he doesn´t feel anything for anyone. He said I was pretending his asperger doesn´t exist (I promise, I never tried to do that). He said he just can´t stand a relationship and that starting with me was a big mistake. He said I´m a constant reminder of all the limitations he has and all the relationships he failed in. He apologized for dragging me there and then again said he doesn´t love me anymore.

Two hours later he delated me from everywhere.

I am heart broken. I never meant to hurt him, I do love him a lot and I just can´t… The fact that he probably just hates me now it´s too much for me.

I don´t think he will ever love me again, my friends say he will text me again, but I know he won´t and I just want to know if it´s a good idea to text him in a few weeks to apologize for making him feel that bad.

I love him very much, he is intelligent, and funny, and sweet and I… Just don´t know what to do.

Can someone give me some advice?
 
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I met this guy online a few months ago. We started chatting and then after a few months of constant chatting we finally met in person. He already had told me about his asperger, but that day I could see it clear, and I just don´t mind. I did like him as he is.

After a few days he told me that he wasn´t sure he was ready for a relationship. I felt kind of bad but... There was nothing to do. We kept talking (constantly for almost two weeks). And in the end we agreed to met again at his place (I assumed he would feel more comfortable there).

We met and it was awesome, we talked, we made jokes and in the end we slept together. He then asked me to be his girlfriend and I doubted. I thought it was too fast and I was still thinking that just two weeks before he considered not talking to me ever again. The date was perfect, I was in a cloud. We met again and he told me he loves me; at that time I realized I love him as well. We were talking for months and... Yeah, it was clear in my head, I was in love. I still am.

We dated for a month and we did have some arguments, he used to disapear for days without telling me and I was worried. I was worried he wanted to dump me, I was worried I said something wrong, I was worried he had some accident (he likes to go to the forests alone, at night).

We had two rules: If you need to disapear, at least text me goodnight so I know you are safe.
If any of us say something that upsets the other, say it and do not go to bed mad.

We had an argument because he said I was putting too much pressure, that I wasn´t giving him enough space and that I tried to make him feel bad for asking for more space (I promise, I never tried to do that). He ignored me for a day and a half and then texted me back.

He said I was putting too much pressure on him, that we were toxic and that I wasn´t giving him enough space. He told me that he used to love me but now there is too much in his life and that is brain switched off and now he doesn´t feel anything for anyone. He said I was pretending his asperger doesn´t exist (I promise, I never tried to do that). He said he just can´t stand a relationship and that starting with me was a big mistake. He said I´m a constant reminder of all the limitations he has and all the relationships he failed in. He apologized for dragging me there and then again said he doesn´t love me anymore.

Two hours later he delated me from everywhere.

I am heart broken. I never meant to hurt him, I do love him a lot and I just can´t… The fact that he probably just hates me now it´s too much for me.

I don´t think he will ever love me again, my friends say he will text me again, but I know he won´t and I just want to know if it´s a good idea to text him in a few weeks to apologize for making him feel that bad.

I love him very much, he is intelligent, and funny, and sweet and I… Just don´t know what to do.

Can someone give me some advice?

Ask yourself how much pain you want to endure from someone who treated you so badly. You are worth being treated kindly. Aspie or not, he had no right to do that to you. Move on. If he takes you back, it could just be for sex when he's bored or something. Stand your ground. Move on.
 
Ask yourself how much pain you want to endure from someone who treated you so badly. You are worth being treated kindly. Aspie or not, he had no right to do that to you. Move on. If he takes you back, it could just be for sex when he's bored or something. Stand your ground. Move on.


I don´t think he was treating me bad. He was caring, and sweet and very kind. I think I did put too much pressure on him. I didn´t gave him the space he needs.
Whenever he was disapearing I was asking him to say something, to talk to me, instead of just wait and give him time.
 
I’d say you guys just aren’t a good fit. That’s not your fault. If things are already this hard this soon, it’s unlikely that it will work down the road. It hurts, and it sucks.
Take your time to grieve, be kind to yourself and move on.
 
I don´t think he was treating me bad. He was caring, and sweet and very kind. I think I did put too much pressure on him. I didn´t gave him the space he needs.
Whenever he was disapearing I was asking him to say something, to talk to me, instead of just wait and give him time.
It’s okay to ask for what you need. You shouldn’t feel bad for that.
 
Sorry to hear this, but I can't help but feeling like this.
We need a lot of space and time to recover from social circumstances Relationships can be especially tough.
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Sorry to hear this, but I can't help but feeling like this.
We need a lot of space and time to recover from social circumstances Relationships can be especially tough. View attachment 66517
So should I apollogize? I do want to, not to ask him back, I know he won´t, but to make clear that I do realize how mach pain I caused him. But at the same time I don´t want to put more pressure on him.
 
So should I apollogize? I do want to, not to ask him back, I know he won´t, but to make clear that I do realize how mach pain I caused him. But at the same time I don´t want to put more pressure on him.

I would just give him space for now. Maybe he will come around and ask you .
 
It's okay to apologize, once, and ONLY once if you have not done so already.
E-mail is probably best. Maybe ask a therapist and/or friend(s) to help you. You decide the final copy, but get some opinions because your head might not be totally clear in this kind of situation. Do NOT blame him for anything. Thank him for giving you a chance. You can tell him that you might be open to things again to rebuild, but that he would have to initiate. And if he did, you would talk about steps you can take and things that both of you could do differently to possibly resolve the issue. You can blame yourself and point out some things you did wrong. After that, do not ever reach out to him again unless he initiates. If you happen to run into him, keep your distance and do not purposely approach him. If you are in a job situation where you have to interact with him, keep it strictly professional. If he asks about anything personal while you are doing something professional, re-direct by asking to schedule something after your work shift is over with or during a 15/30/lunch break time frame only.
 
Hello everyone.

A few months ago I wrote in this group asking for advice.
At the beginning of the year I started a relationship with a boy on the spectrum. He is the most loving, sweet and intelligent person I have ever met. It is the first time in my life that I fall in love. I have been on many dates with many guys, but I have never found any one as amazing as him.
Our relationship ended because of a misunderstanding. When he felt overloaded, he tended to disappear for days without telling me anything and even though I knew something was wrong with him, I didn't know what or how to help. This started to create some tension because I also felt that the relationship was going too fast. I felt like I couldn´t control anything and did not know how to ask him to slow down without hurting his feelings. I really loved him.
When he left me, I decided to write to him to apologize for everything and wish him that one day he finds someone who makes him happy, even if that person is not me (this trully broke my heart).
For two months I have not heard from him again and I assumed he forgot me.
I've tried to get over the breakup by focusing on my work and hanging out with friends. I've even tried dating, but I´m just not ready yet.
This morning he wrote to me again. He thanked me for explaining everything to him. He told me that he is no longer angry and that I don't have to keep feeling guilty. He said that he is not prepared to have a relationship since he does not know how to open up to people and that is why he needs to wait.
I do not know what to do. I never expected him to text me agian. I don't know if he expects something from me or if it´s just a goodbye. I think I want to try again, but this time I want to go slowly, at my own pace, that would also give him time to open up. But I don't know how to explain it without being insistent. I also don't know if it's a good idea or I should just let him go.
Anyway, because of my job I will be unreacheble for two months (no internet conexion).
I´m lost.
 
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He was clear. He is not ready for a relationship. That means he is not ready. You can ask him if he wants to continue to communicate. You must ask HIM these questions and when he answers you must accept what he says at face value. He is not double talking.
 
He was clear. He is not ready for a relationship. That means he is not ready. You can ask him if he wants to continue to communicate. You must ask HIM these questions and when he answers you must accept what he says at face value. He is not double talking.
The thing is, before we started, he was always complaining about not being able to find a girl who loved him. Well, here I am now, I didn´t plan to fall for him but thats what we get.
Then he asked me to start a serious relationship. I had many many doubts but he insisted and I eventually realized I was in love so I thought: what the hell, lets do it. Now he changes his mind. Is very confusing.
He thinks he is not ready because he is toxic, I don´t think he is, as I said, I was very happy. I don´t know if I should bring this up or just let him be and simply just don´t answer his message.
 
The thing is, before we started, he was always complaining about not being able to find a girl who loved him. Well, here I am now, I didn´t plan to fall for him but thats what we get.
Then he asked me to start a serious relationship. I had many many doubts but he insisted and I eventually realized I was in love so I thought: what the hell, lets do it. Now he changes his mind. Is very confusing.
He thinks he is not ready because he is toxic, I don´t think he is, as I said, I was very happy. I don´t know if I should bring this up or just let him be and simply just don´t answer his message.
All you can do is tell him how you feel and leave him to decide what, if anything, comes next.
If you don't say something it will drive you nuts that you have something to say and don't say it. But if you do, you must not expect anything more from him. Let him go. You're not giving up, you're giving him space. He has to come to you.
 
He thinks he is not ready because he is toxic, I don´t think he is, as I said, I was very happy.

Well here is a starting point for going back to him, confirm to him that you do not find him toxic. Here you may want to say some more about how you see him. But do what you can to kill/gainsay this lie in his head.
 
I feel bad. We all have imperfections. We all are little good and bad. Anyways, l hope you find some answer to this.
 
Thank you all for all the answers. I really don´t know what I want right now.
On one hand I could answer him, but I don´t want to overwhelm him. Last time, during the missundesrtanding, I caused him a meltdown (he broke with me at that point) and I really really don´t want to put him in that position again.
 
Just tell him how you feel and accept if he does not want to be with you. But he might! Tell him you love him and he may melt. But he may not. Keep us posted and I do wish you best of luck :)
 
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