Aspie boyfriend broke up with me :'-(

[GoodGirl]

Hi everyone, I've just joined the forum. Last night my Aspie boyfriend broke up with me and I'm totally crumbling inside. I don't know what to do. I'm totally sad.
He said he has been struggling with commitment and relationships for a long long time, for about since the breakup from the partner whom he had a daughter (now 14y). He said when she broke up with him, he could not recover for a long period, like for 8 or 10 years. And he said that after that broke up he has been struggling with commitment and keeping relationships. He said something he unlearned about how to be in a relationship and that he is very busy and feels bad that he is not giving me time and commitment he should be, as he is quite selfish. This morning I asked if he felt relieved from breaking up, he said he felt the pressure of relationship was out.
Going back a few months, when I didn't know at the time he had aspergers? I was feeling ignored and etc. So once I decided to break up with him, he hugged me and begged please not and he said there was something I needed to know about him. That he had aspergers and struggled with demonstrating affection but he was going to work on it.
I tried to educate myself on the topic and learn as much as I could.how to make things work. Things were going very well. A couple of weeks ago he said that he felt our relationship was getting stronger for at least the last 2 months, and I was feeling the same. Great connection and chemistry.
Triggers that I can identify on moments things went to custard: he often said that I was not trusting him when I was asking if one of his exes stopped messaging him. He would say yes and get upset with me bringing it up often. I introduced him to all my family and friends, he never introduced me to his daughters. Even thou they live in different cities, isn't reasonable that by now he should had mentioned about my existence to them at least by message?
I don't know, right now I'm having mixed feelings with all that. 2 days ago I didn't see that coming. We went to a party, we had an awesome time and all. I was looking forward for a trip we were going to do together in 2 weeks time, now that ****** situation that I'm really struggling to cope and he is probably not even thinking about me right now. :'-(
Any help? Any hope? Or should I just forget? Thanks

 

[Darius]

I don't get what you expect. A miraculous change that didn't happen for months? That he will come back and everything will be great? It won't. Move on.

 

[GoodGirl]

Oh where did I say didn't change. I said the opposite. He mentioned that he was happy how our relationship was getting stronger and this was clear during the last couple of months. When he even brought ideas of how we could spend more time together (like travelling together, joining the same gym).

 

[GoodGirl]

Oh where did I say didn't change. I said the opposite. He mentioned that he was happy how our relationship was getting stronger and this was clear during the last couple of months. When he even brought ideas of how we could spend more time together (like travelling together, joining the same gym).

But thanks anyway for your reply. I appreciate and sorry, first time in a forum. Maybe I was not clear enough.

 

[Bolletje]

Oh where did I say didn't change. I said the opposite. He mentioned that he was happy how our relationship was getting stronger and this was clear during the last couple of months. When he even brought ideas of how we could spend more time together (like travelling together, joining the same gym).

Hmm, but apparently something went wrong. I’m afraid the only one that can provide answers is your ex. The rest is just speculation.

 

[Judge]

Despite your account of so many things to consider, it doesn't seem clear as to what exactly may have put so much stress on the relationship that for him it just "snapped". Social interactions for people on the spectrum of autism can be consistently both difficult and stressful- even if apparently positive. Yet maintaining a routine sense of solitude is absolutely necessary, even in a close emotional relationship with a significant other.

Where too much exposure to people whether one in particular or an entire group, or even job stress can build up to a point where we can't take any more. Where something has to give, and inevitably it's apt to be our relationships with others that suffer first and foremost. That for many of us, it just happens.

It's how one week you get the impression the relationship is strong, yet another week goes by and the relationship is abruptly terminated. Makes little sense to many, but it's often how things work in our minds in terms of how we do- or don't relate to others. Where triggers may not be so obvious, such as job stress, or an inability to retreat from people in general when needed.

In my own case I can only say that anything that is putting severe stress on me often has the potential for me to undermine my most precious relationships.

 

[Joel's Hear]

Despite your account of so many things to consider, it doesn't seem clear as to what exactly may have put so much stress on the relationship that for him it just "snapped". Social interactions for people on the spectrum of autism can be consistently both difficult and stressful. Where maintaining a routine sense of solitude is absolutely necessary, even in a close emotional relationship with a significant other.

Where too much exposure to people whether one in particular or an entire group, or even job stress can build up to a point where we can't take any more. Where something has to give, and inevitably it's apt to be our relationships with others that suffer first and foremost. That for many of us, it just happens.

It's how one week you get the impression the relationship is strong, yet another week goes by and the relationship is abruptly terminated. Makes little sense to many, but it's often how things work in our minds in terms of how we do- or don't relate to others. Where triggers may not be so obvious, such as job stress, or an inability to retreat from people in general when needed.

In my own case I can only say that anything that is putting severe stress on me often has the potential for me to undermine my most precious relationships.

Hi everyone, I've just joined the forum. Last night my Aspie boyfriend broke up with me and I'm totally crumbling inside. I don't know what to do. I'm totally sad.
He said he has been struggling with commitment and relationships for a long long time, for about since the breakup from the partner whom he had a daughter (now 14y). He said when she broke up with him, he could not recover for a long period, like for 8 or 10 years. And he said that after that broke up he has been struggling with commitment and keeping relationships. He said something he unlearned about how to be in a relationship and that he is very busy and feels bad that he is not giving me time and commitment he should be, as he is quite selfish. This morning I asked if he felt relieved from breaking up, he said he felt the pressure of relationship was out.
Going back a few months, when I didn't know at the time he had aspergers? I was feeling ignored and etc. So once I decided to break up with him, he hugged me and begged please not and he said there was something I needed to know about him. That he had aspergers and struggled with demonstrating affection but he was going to work on it.
I tried to educate myself on the topic and learn as much as I could.how to make things work. Things were going very well. A couple of weeks ago he said that he felt our relationship was getting stronger for at least the last 2 months, and I was feeling the same. Great connection and chemistry.
Triggers that I can identify on moments things went to custard: he often said that I was not trusting him when I was asking if one of his exes stopped messaging him. He would say yes and get upset with me bringing it up often. I introduced him to all my family and friends, he never introduced me to his daughters. Even thou they live in different cities, isn't reasonable that by now he should had mentioned about my existence to them at least by message?
I don't know, right now I'm having mixed feelings with all that. 2 days ago I didn't see that coming. We went to a party, we had an awesome time and all. I was looking forward for a trip we were going to do together in 2 weeks time, now that ****** situation that I'm really struggling to cope and he is probably not even thinking about me right now. :'-(
Any help? Any hope? Or should I just forget? Thanks

@Judge usually has some of the strongest advice on the forum, being one of the oldest and most prolific members here.

 

[Bronwyn]

Don't think about him, concentrate on you. He's got his own coping mechanisms and thinks differently and he may not be showing he's hurt . Sometimes you got to do whats best for him and what makes him happy because eventually thats what will make you happy. I have noticed that guys tend to hold on to their feelings until later when it builds up and surfaces.
Don't drive him further by texting lots and begging to go back because thats what I did and I got blocked. Horrible thing when the person you love completely blocks you from their life.

Goodluck!

 

[Echo]

It sounds like you've both found the relationship fulfilling in the recent past and so my advice is based entirely on that probability.

Consider that there may be other stressors in his life at the moment, that have nothing to do with you. Ones he may not even be able to articulate at present. I think, if it were me, I'd tell him that I respect his need to isolate right now, that you understand, and will give him the space he needs. But also tell him you've left the door open for him should he want to resume the relationship with you.

Sometimes, when we're emotionally overwhelmed we just shut down, and expressing affection, intimacy, or even civility, becomes exhausting. Even impossible. If you really care about him, be patient, but also think hard about this: it WILL happen again. Not necessarily the breaking up part, but his need to distance for a while. You will have to decide if that's a deal breaker for you.

I wish you both well.

 

[Darius]

And he said that after that broke up he has been struggling with commitment and keeping relationships. (...) This morning I asked if he felt relieved from breaking up, he said he felt the pressure of relationship was out.

No, this doesn't seem like anything has changed.

From my point of view you and his needs are totally opposite. You introduced him to everybody, he didn't. You expect him to talk about you with family, he didn't.

Maybe it was going in the better, he wanted it to succeed, but in the end it's too demanding for him. For whatever reasons and he made the decision.

Do you want to wait for him? Hoping he would change enough for you to change the past years of not being able to stay in a relationship?

It's not about him, it's about you and your needs and expectations.

 

[Suzanne]

As hard as this is, he is still attached emotionally to the woman that caused such heartache.

There is a song by Elvis Presley. Can't remember the title, but in the song, lists how similar another woman is to the woman he loves, but says. But she is not you. I am not a fan of him ( just needed to say that), but reading your thread, brought the words to that song in my thoughts.

It is a shame that one feels that aspergers is some terrible disease, that they feel they need to take a deep breath and say: I have a confession..... Aspergers just happens to mean that wires in our brain are different to the wires in the NT brain.

It seems he has tried to make a go at the relationship with you, but he is seeing that really, he is unkind, because his heart is else where.

We aspies have a difficult time understanding emotions and so, what may seem an uncaring spirit ie abruptness is actually a sudden realisation of the emotions.

 

[Tom]

I found myself, that if things do not work out well naturally, that no ammount of artifical life support would maintain a relationship. I am sure there are exceptions, but even if it did work, for now, how long until a new problem arrises.

You know you are in a good relationship when things improve and strengthen, not the opposite. So I would say bury it, allow yourself to mourn for a limited time only and move on.

 

[BirdsNest]

He said .... he has been struggling with commitment and keeping relationships. He said something he unlearned about how to be in a relationship and that he is very busy and feels bad that he is not giving me time and commitment he should be, as he is quite selfish.

I was feeling ignored and etc. ... I introduced him to all my family and friends, he never introduced me to his daughters.

I don't know, right now I'm having mixed feelings with all that. 2 days ago I didn't see that coming. We went to a party, we had an awesome time and all. I was looking forward for a trip we were going to do together in 2 weeks time, now that ****** situation that I'm really struggling to cope and he is probably not even thinking about me right now. :'-(
Any help? Any hope? Or should I just forget? Thanks

Feel everything you need to know is here tbh.

Sorry to be so blunt. He told you this upfront and you didn't heed his words. I made the same mistake recently. Like you, I thought 'things were going well' and 'things were improving'. Then I found out he had lied to be about where he went to spend Christmas - not with his brother but with his ex. That was a massive slap in the face and I dumped him right away.

Now I'm out, I look back and wondered why I stayed with such an arsewipe.
I won't list all the things he did that hurt me - but they sound similar to your problems.
However I thought since he had AS I just had to do X Y Z and fix the problems. ("We CAN work on this!")
He uses AS as an excuse to be an ArSehole, its his lovely little get out card for treating people like crap.

While no two situations are the same I would personally advise you just to leave this guy alone and find someone who doesn't ignore you/hurt you.

 

[paloftoon]

In terms of him not revealing his diagnosis to you, he probably should've told you like the 3rd time he met you or the third time he met you after he became exclusive. A lot of people come from environments where we get scared and want to hold back when sometimes we should take educated risks to make both parties happier. So, it's not necessary a bad thing he waited so long to tell you his diagnosis, but you know the context better than anyone else.

"Triggers that I can identify on moments things went to custard: he often said that I was not trusting him when I was asking if one of his exes stopped messaging him. He would say yes and get upset with me bringing it up often."
Some people on the spectrum tend to be straight-forward. So, if you were asking him often after he asked you not to, this would be a turn off for him. Some people don't want to remember their past. Better to work with the present and the future. For the past, after you know a person some time, you can ask something like what lessons can we learn to avoid mistakes in your past, or let him reveal his past if/when he is ready. Also, did you reveal anything about your past to him?

"I introduced him to all my family and friends, he never introduced me to his daughters. Even thou they live in different cities, isn't reasonable that by now he should had mentioned about my existence to them at least by message?"
This is a tricky one, because he may not have a good relationship with these family members. Also, with being on the spectrum, it might not even be something that occurs to him. You may have to work with so many details to tell him straight forwardly.

It sounds like he couldn't handle the pressure and just gave up. People don't like to offer closure because it hurts them too much and they don't want to anger the other person generally speaking or make them even more sad. We almost always have to create our own closure. I am going through a breakup very recently myself. At least me and him want to stay friends, and I believe him, but it is still a trickery, social, nuanced slope with all the balancing and coordination and timing and waiting or keeping oneself preoccupied with other things.

I do agree that he is selfish since he seems to be not trying and begged you to stay earlier on and you did.

Stay strong, talk with friends that don't mind being sound boards. Consider as many opinions as you can as to how to move on and how to communicate if at all.