Aspie boyfriend and his female friend

[Ylva]

Assuming she's allistic, you probably understand her motives better than most of us do, and we only have part of the story anyway.

If you think she has feelings for him, you must explain it to him. You know better than us how oblivious he is to flirting. If you think he has feelings for her, you might have to explain that as well. He might assume they are something else, since he's already in a relationship.

 

[captivepulse]

Wow! Never expected this many replies, thank you all so much, this has become a great debate. I think everyone is torn because of values and maybe past experiences, I am not sure.

Maybe a little background on myself and my bf would help as well.

For one, yes I have some insecurities from being cheated on several times in the past, and I did not have much support as a child. This I have gone over with my therapist. So there is that.

As for my bf, we have gone through almost this same exact thing with another female friend of his...actually two. The first one though, we were only friends at the time, but a girl he talked to regularly would eventually turn their conversation sexual everytime they would speak, and she had a bf. My bf knew her bf but this did not stop him and his reasoning to me was that it didn't really bother him. Eventually, their friendship ended abruptly and I never knew why. The fact that it didn't bother him that she had a bf and would flirt with him like that is still curious to me, he also blames that and being Aspie...

The second female friend he had was also married but her and my bf would text daily like he is with his other friend. When we started dating and I learned more about her, I felt really uneasy because she would talk badly about me to my bf even though she didn't know anything about me. When his other friend that I've been dealing with now got her divorce, so did this friend. She was not at all saddened by her divorce and she started to really come on strongly to my bf to the point where one day she asked if he would look at naked pictures of her. This made me really uneasy because I could see it happening from a mile away and he told me he couldn't even tell what was happening.

So after all this, I am afraid of history repeating itself, and in my gut, which everyone tells me to trust, I really think that his 3rd friend is developing feelings for him and I only see them growing if he keeps texting her as much as he is...I just have no idea what happens if she does because I truly believe she just friend-zoned him from the beginning and now that he has a gf, she is all of a sudden really interested in him. I just do not understand people, especially this type...

Another thing that bothers me is that I looked up ways to ease my discomfort with how much they text and I heard some advice about him telling me what they talk about and involving me in the conversation. He was kinda up for it at first but as time goes on he tells me he feels uncomfortable telling me what they talk about. Should this be concerning? Because if I was asked about my convos with my male friends, I wouldn't think twice about it unless I was hiding something.

Thanks again for all the replies!

 

[owlet]

I can only come at this from my perspective, not knowing you or your bf, but I think if he wants to talk to a friend a lot, there shouldn't be an issue. You mentioned you've been cheated on in the past, so a fear of that happening again is understandable - have you told your bf about it? Really though, relationships are about trust and if you don't trust him, then I don't really understand why you'd be in a relationship with him. If you're aware your lack of trust isn't so much to do with him personally and more about the concept of cheating, it might be good to try and work through that without using defences such as restricting his communications. If you have defences in place (such as restricting him), it may take a lot longer to work through the fear related to cheating.

From a more personal standpoint, if someone I was in a relationship with told me to stop talking so much to a friend, I would be pretty upset because 1. it shows a lack of trust, and 2. I would feel I had to choose between my friend and my partner - and ultimately, if my partner was the one making me choose, I'd be more likely to leave them.

 

[Mr Allen]

Sounds to me like the OP has some "control" issues, she wants to control the relationship between her and her man, and gets jealous if he so much as look sideways at another woman.

A lot of people are like that, it's not healthy IMO.
​

 

[Lia]

After reading your last post, I can now see why this bothers you so much. But! I still think it has more to do with you struggling with insecurity than your boyfriend doing something wrong.
I don't think you should be concerned about other people flirting with your boyfriend, as long as he doesn't flirt with them. If someone has feelings for him that is out of his control, and if it's a friend it can quickly become very awkward if you confront them about it, so maybe he doesn't let it bother him because it's easier for him to just ignore it? In the past, I've had someone I thought was a friend flirt with me and even ask me for nudes. Back then I did not know how to handle this at all, and I didn't really think of it as flirting until he started asking me for photos all the time, so I just tried to ignore it whenever he'd ask and just talk about something else (yes, it was really awkward, haha).
If someone sends him naked photos without him asking for them though, that is sexual harassment. Also, The friend who talked badly about you behind your back sounds like a very jealous person, and while I agree that it is annoying, people like that are not worth a moment of your time, so you really shouldn't worry about her at all!

Now, let's say that this woman he is currently talking to actually has feelings for him, how is that an issue? Her feelings are not you or your boyfriend's problem. Her having feelings for him does not mean he has feelings for her. It seems like you are very focused on your boyfriend's friend, as if she will ruin your relationship somehow, but if your boyfriend did cheat or leave you or something like that (I'm not even sure if this is what you're worried will happen) then that would not be the friend's fault, but your boyfriend's own choice. So the problem then would be your boyfriend, not the friend.
If he's the kind of guy that will flirt with anyone, cheat on you and leave you for any woman who shows interest in him, then it doesn't really matter who he's talking to because it's his personality that is the problem. But if he's in love with you and not interested in anyone else, then someone being in love with him is not a problem. It will not affect your relationship in any way.

I also don't think it's fair of you to know about their conversations. That's private and between them, not because he is hiding something but because having someone as a fly on the wall is very uncomfortable and if it was me I would feel like I was really disrespecting my friend.
Again, you are very concerned about his friend, but she's not really the issue here. You not trusting your boyfriend is. Is there a reason you don't trust him? Has he done something that broke your trust in the past?

 

[captivepulse]

After reading your last post, I can now see why this bothers you so much. But! I still think it has more to do with you struggling with insecurity than your boyfriend doing something wrong.
I don't think you should be concerned about other people flirting with your boyfriend, as long as he doesn't flirt with them. If someone has feelings for him that is out of his control, and if it's a friend it can quickly become very awkward if you confront them about it, so maybe he doesn't let it bother him because it's easier for him to just ignore it? In the past, I've had someone I thought was a friend flirt with me and even ask me for nudes. Back then I did not know how to handle this at all, and I didn't really think of it as flirting until he started asking me for photos all the time, so I just tried to ignore it whenever he'd ask and just talk about something else (yes, it was really awkward, haha).
If someone sends him naked photos without him asking for them though, that is sexual harassment. Also, The friend who talked badly about you behind your back sounds like a very jealous person, and while I agree that it is annoying, people like that are not worth a moment of your time, so you really shouldn't worry about her at all!

Now, let's say that this woman he is currently talking to actually has feelings for him, how is that an issue? Her feelings are not you or your boyfriend's problem. Her having feelings for him does not mean he has feelings for her. It seems like you are very focused on your boyfriend's friend, as if she will ruin your relationship somehow, but if your boyfriend did cheat or leave you or something like that (I'm not even sure if this is what you're worried will happen) then that would not be the friend's fault, but your boyfriend's own choice. So the problem then would be your boyfriend, not the friend.
If he's the kind of guy that will flirt with anyone, cheat on you and leave you for any woman who shows interest in him, then it doesn't really matter who he's talking to because it's his personality that is the problem. But if he's in love with you and not interested in anyone else, then someone being in love with him is not a problem. It will not affect your relationship in any way.

I also don't think it's fair of you to know about their conversations. That's private and between them, not because he is hiding something but because having someone as a fly on the wall is very uncomfortable and if it was me I would feel like I was really disrespecting my friend.
Again, you are very concerned about his friend, but she's not really the issue here. You not trusting your boyfriend is. Is there a reason you don't trust him? Has he done something that broke your trust in the past?

The way he handled the situation with the girl that wanted to send him naked pictures is what made me uneasy. His reaction to it was, "Mmm, my gf would kill me lol, but why do you ask?" Because she said to him, "do you love me enough to look at naked pics of me?" And their convo continued. He also did not tell me it happened while knowing about my past and being cheated on.

I really do want to be fair to both of us and if it is my problem I am trying to work through it I just wanted unbiased opinions.

 

[Ylva]

The fact that it didn't bother him that she had a bf and would flirt with him like that is still curious to me, he also blames that and being Aspie...

So, anyway, at some point in my life I just had to realize that if a thing I did or said hurt someone I cared about, I would simply have to stop doing or saying that to them. Even if I didn't mean anything bad with it, it could trigger painful memories in them. I didn't even need to know why – it should be enough to know that it hurts the person.

So I'm just gonna disagree with everyone and your boyfriend and say… it's not his aspergers. It's true that it expresses itself differently in different people, but not like that.

but as time goes on he tells me he feels uncomfortable telling me what they talk about

See, he gets it. He knows his feelings of discomfort are reason enough.

 

[Lia]

The way he handled the situation with the girl that wanted to send him naked pictures is what made me uneasy. His reaction to it was, "Mmm, my gf would kill me lol, but why do you ask?" Because she said to him, "do you love me enough to look at naked pics of me?" And their convo continued. He also did not tell me it happened while knowing about my past and being cheated on.

I really do want to be fair to both of us and if it is my problem I am trying to work through it I just wanted unbiased opinions.

ohh, okay, I see.
Does he blame his reaction on aspergers? If so, I don't think that's fair of him to do at all. If his reason for saying no to naked pictures from someone is because you'd be upset, and not because he's not interested, then I completely understand why you're so concerned about this.
I don't think you or his friend are the problem in this situation, he is. So even if he stopped texting other women as often as he does, it wouldn't really change anything if the way he spoke to them remained the same.
It's true that aspergers can make it hard to notice when people are flirting, so we may accidentally lead people on. It does not keep us from learning from our mistakes though. Since you've pointed out to him how you could tell his friends were flirting with him and that his response may have made them think he was interested, then he should also be at least a little bit better at noticing these things as well. However, if he's aware of what he's doing and keeps doing it because he likes the attention or whatever, that has nothing to do with asperger at all, and he's being both a bad boyfriend and a bad friend.

 

[captivepulse]

It is really unfortunate that this is happening. He always tells me that I am the first person he has ever met where he can be around me all the time and not feel drained and like he needs a constant break because of his Aspergers. We get along so well and have never had a fight. I just feel like for some reason he needs attention from these women and it hurts to feel like I'm not enough. It also hurts that his friend knows me and knows we are together but couldn't care less and still acts how she does...it is such a difficult situation. :/

 

[NefariousFox]

We can't know for certain what motivations are driving any of the other parties involved except for the one who can post what they see, and feel about the issue. That being said, I think the biggest problem isn't really about insecurity, more than it is about a desire for some kind of commitment. And at 8 months, a little isn't all that unreasonable to ask for. (A note though... You don't want to add anything until you have nailed down the communication problems, nor do I think you can do so without)

The insecurity towards the possibility of an unfaithful partner only comes into play as a communication block, preventing reasonable communication between both parties. And I can tell you right now, that personally, uncomfortable conversations about emotion/relationships are not a remote possibility for me as an aspi! (And has been the detriment to several relationships) *I'm guessing slightly about the communication, but it seems to fit the description.

Trust is a hard lesson. And past experiences might be an excellent teaching aide, but they tend to do more harm than good in relationships, because we don't tend to react with our logical minds, and instead use our emotions to make determinations. This is why it's always good advice to check your baggage at the door in a new relationship. (Never easy advice to follow)

Perhaps, you should get your own wants and needs well determined. On top of that you can make determinations about what you are capable of compromising/not compromising on. That way, you can come to the table with some idea of what to talk about. Literal, and logical discussion make for much better discussions. (Realism and actualizing what you want your life to be is a great way to make decisions in general)

In my own personal experience, compromise is very difficult. (I'm not sure if that's specifically an aspi trait, but it certainly could be) It is also, a pivotal part of relationships.

Once you know your own wants, needs, and desires. What are his? And do you need to make compromise in order for him to achieve them? Does he know what he wants? Can you help him find them if not? I have known polygamists with exceptional relationships. And monogamous folks with track records that would make anybody cringe. Most had to do with communication and compromise. Those are the extremes, but I think you get the idea. (Trust is not a compromise, but it could indicate a desire for one. Compromise shows commitment)

Step 1. Know what you want (rationality and logic, not fleeting emotion on this one, and don't create expectations, just what "You Want," not specific to anybody, or anything else, just life in general)

Step 2. Know what they want (Remember, this is individual specific, and is not oriented around somebody else. Just what they want out of life kinda stuff) *It's not an attempt to reassure you that it's "you."

Step 3. Find a way to communicate these things together, and determine how those 2 wants intersect, and if those intersections are acceptable to both parties. (Never forget to consider compromise, and request it, balance and happiness are the goal)

Step 4. Profit!

(rinse, and repeat as necessary)

Even if all of this is messy, and unorganized, it's still better to try! (Sometimes people just aren't able to determine what they want without more direction and time. Don't get discouraged!) Expectations are the enemy! (All you can really do, is know yourself/what you want, and be willing to compromise, and if you can do that, you're already in a position to get what you want out of life)

 

[Lia]

If he's only looking for friendship and the way he interacts with this woman is strictly friendly, then it shouldn't matter how much he talks to her or if she has feelings for him. If he's sees her as nothing more than a good friend, then that's all she is, and you shouldn't worry about "not being enough". You're his girlfriend, and it sounds like you're having a really good relationship. Romantic love is different from platonic love, and if a person has both in their life, it doesn't mean that their partner is less important than their friend.
You think his friend is being disrespectful, but what if she also just sees him as a friend? I have a friend who I text almost daily, but it's not because I'm interested in her or because I'm disrespectful towards her boyfriend, but because she is my friend. And that's it.

If he's looking for something more than a friendship with her, you have to talk to him about it. If he still doesn't care about your feelings and he keep flirting with other women while in a relationship with you, he's a douche.

 

[captivepulse]

Just an update on this situation: They continued to talk as often as they wanted and she did, in fact, start to flirt with him...even after swearing to me on the phone that she had no interest in him what-so-ever. Females....

 

[Homebrand]

No that is not an aspergers thing at all. My NT bf has never been a fan of me texting other males and I think of it as an insecurity that quick a lot of people have. Just because it is your insecurity though, doesn't not mean it is your problem and that you shouldn't feel that way.

It sounds like this other girl doesn't have a great deal of respect for you if she's not making an effort to get to know you or putting you down by suggesting it is strange for you to want to set boundaries. It does also sound like she is wanting a lot of attention off your bf, but it could just be because she is going through a divorce and needs emotional support and your bf is able to make her feel better.

As long as your bf is able to be open and honest about what is going on e.g. telling you she said its weird to set boundaries, then I'd say he probably has good intentions and is only trying to support a friend.

If your still concerned maybe you need to lay out some boundaries for him. Let him know that you trust him but do not trust her. Let him know that you expect him to show you respect and stand up for you above her because when she says your boundaries are stupid, it shows she is not concerned with your needs and will do what she wants without regard for your relationship. Inform him that if he is unable to hear your needs and have respect for your emotions and concerns that you will see this as him putting his relationship with her before you and your needs. If you need to test this to prove to him how little respect this girl has for you, call her in front of him and say "you are not happy with the amount she is texting him because it is impacting your relationship and ask her to please show respect for you, him and the relationship you have by limiting the constant massages." Maybe even say first that he isn't home then she will say what she wants not knowing he is listening.

If they still doesn't limit their texts I'd say your bf needs to realise his priorities a bit better.

 

[Bella Pines]

They continued to talk as often as they wanted and she did, in fact, start to flirt with him

See, I knew it, right off the back! The woman is after your man!

The fact that you are being so mature and logical about the situation, is precisely why you will win.

If he has said that you are "the first person he has ever met where he can be around me all the time and not feel drained and like he needs a constant break", that is a big deal. From the perspective of aspergers, this is far stronger than meaningless platitudes like "I love you", etc etc. I feel drained ALL THE TIME, navigating rush hour, being in the office, plastering a fake smile on every morning, it's exhausting. I need to be alone and process what is going on in my head. In 40 years, I have only met about 4 people who I can relax around and they are my lifelines.

So what you need to do, is keep being you. I assume you don't pressure him or nag him or pick at him or all the other niggly little things that aspies cannot stand. So you need to keep being you whilst training him.

And by training him, I mean exactly that, like a puppy. I say this because my husband trained me. In lots of ways, like washing up, washing myself and respecting relationship boundaries. Aspies are black and white and really quite simple. So there will be a way to gradually (no pressure) steer him away from these toxic relationships that he gravitates towards. You're not imagining it, he seems to be drawn to odd, intense female friends. I sort of am too. I am reserved, spend a lot of time inside my own head, so meeting someone with a strong personality who is inappropriately forward is interesting to me for a few reasons. They balance off my lack of emotion and I don't have to make an effort, they come on strong. So he is developing a pattern of behavior whereby he is attracted to this type of friend and additionally probably likes the attention.

So how you steer him away from this without pressuring him and scaring him off will be difficult and it might take years. I'm trying to think of some ideas. Run over his phone in the car? No, too much. Go along with him when he sees her in person? Oh I know what I would do, make friends with the girl. I know you have tried, but keep it up. Like visit her, don't be fazed by her rebuffing you, actually try to get to know her. Keep your friends close and enemies closer. Maybe if you eventually get to know her you'll start to understand his attraction to this type of woman.

He was kinda up for it at first but as time goes on he tells me he feels uncomfortable telling me what they talk about. Should this be concerning?

Nope. This is perfectly normal aspie. I don't share either, not because I have anything to hide, but because I can't be bothered and don't see the point.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

It seems I missed round 1. Did I get that right that he didn't tell you about the girl asking if he wanted to see her naked pictures? That's seriously weird. That's the first thing I'd share with my girlfriend if it happened. More like "Omg she's so crazy I'm never going near her again" rather than "Oh honey you can trust me". Freaky weird people make for hilarious stories. The way he handled it does seem super suspicious. I'm paranoid regarding these things, though.

The best thing is to just talk to him about it. And don't bring the whole "I am not comfortable with..." "I feel like I'm not enough..." into it. As a guy I can tell you that my reaction to that is "Bleaaaaagh" and chances are his will be the same. If you figure out where he stands then you have a much better chance of figuring out a solution. If these girls are just "Not attractive" to him, then nothing can happen unless they rape him. He's just going to be like "eeehh it's weird but... do you think I want to screw them?! Oh hell no why would anyone want to do that?!". Also never underestimate just how oblivious guys can be when it comes to girls hitting on them. Maybe it's different for really hot guys, but average guys are like "Huh? She's just being nice".

Training him is a possibility once you figure out what's going on... although I have no clue how to train someone "without too much pressure". Bella better have some pretty important techniques to share here.

He's surrounded by way too many crazy chicks, and he has some weird need for them. To fix this he would have to see that these women have nothing to offer and that they are better avoided. The conundrum you face is that this is something that he can fix only by understanding this. You can't make him fix it or fix it for him. All you can do is explain to him that these women want to have sex with him and that this poses a threat to your current monopoly on boyfriend island. You built a hotel there and that stuff ain't free.

 

[aspieoutlaw89]

i can't imagine a neurotypical,girl or woman doing that kind of stuff to me.

 

[Fwm]

as an aspie, when i have 'categorised' a woman as my girlfriend/partner, my mind is incapable of seeing another woman as a potential girlfriend until the ongoing relationship has been ended, that is probably why he doesn't understand where you are coming from

he has decided he is with you, so that's just the way it is, no one else stands a chance

just like once i've decided that my girlfriend is my girlfriend and it is my automatic responsibility to be loyal, once i have decided a friend is a fried it is my responsibility to be helpful if needed, there is no emotion involved, just responsibility

like i said this is likely why he doesn't understand where you are coming from, he has designated you as his gf and doesn't understand why you don't take him at his word,

be careful that your own insecurities don't drive him away if you really like him
the downside to this reliability is, for me, that until i decided to marry (ie life long commitment and responsibility) when i was with some one i made a constant cost / benefit analysis of the relationship, when it required more effort than it supplied comfort over a period of time, i ended it right away

just talk to the guy and be logical rather than emotional,

start with 'do you understand why i am upset' but then take what he says at face value and accept it, at one point you either trust him or you don't

Actually I “just” came out of a relationship with an Aspie, &it is true that I didn’t understand the logic that he applied as how you shared during our tenure.

I Guess since it’s not a normal r/ship, I can’t expect him to set normal boundaries to build an environment for a normal relationship to thrive. This isn’t about insecurities. My ex-Aspie couldn’t address my “insecurities” & his INSISTENCE on keeping a friendship he found on Tinder a few months before us, (whom he only met 2x) nearly drove me nuts. I shan’t go into details. And for that matter, if she knew...I have no idea why she keeps him as online Friend too,entertain each other, when she also got herself into a relationship subsequently.

To me this is a value system rather than insecurity. There are roles you want to still hold on for your old or new female friends, but if you decide to get a partner, you need to shed your old skin to make way for exclusive growth.

Sadly after 1yr of fights regarding the (Tinder girl) I decided it was senseless to accommodate this just cos he’s Aspie, and a wreck to my fundamental values/beliefs. The joke is he thinks he’s putting up with my illogical request when all I wished a was for us to build an exclusive relationship. Like he wanted.

I only knew he was Aspie after our final breakup.

 

[Fwm]

So, anyway, at some point in my life I just had to realize that if a thing I did or said hurt someone I cared about, I would simply have to stop doing or saying that to them. Even if I didn't mean anything bad with it, it could trigger painful memories in them. I didn't even need to know why – it should be enough to know that it hurts the person.

So I'm just gonna disagree with everyone and your boyfriend and say… it's not his aspergers. It's true that it expresses itself differently in different people, but not like that.



See, he gets it. He knows his feelings of discomfort are reason enough.

Yes...after that many attempts of telling him, if he refuses to address your insecurities in the relationship... you’ve gotta think for yourself. Relationships are about thinking for each other. Normally.

 

[Fwm]

For everything else I’ve put up for an Aspie, things had to stop since Aspies actions crossed the line of value system and not to exaggerate, that would wreck your life or the foundation you would even want for your kids.

Unfortunately my fault is I can’t understand why he can’t see that. Ever.

1st time I’m sharing in public ..but I’m very hurt. Even if it was my decision. When I’m a gf, he couldn’t cut her off, even more so if we remained friends only...so I had to cut him off. I can’t love him without losing myself.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

Doesn't it always hurt?

I am not sure what the issue is. No compatible values. There's just no way it will work with no compatibility and that is that. No need to think more about it than that...