Aspie boyfriend and his female friend

[captivepulse]

Hello all, I am looking for some much-needed advice!

My aspie bf and I have been together for 8 months now and he has a female friend that he has known for 12 years. At the beginning of our relationship, she was not around much because she was married. Recently, about a month or so ago, she started going through the process of getting a divorce. Ever since then, she has been texting my bf every day. At first, I was uneasy about her so we thought it would help if I met her in person, which I did, but it did not help ease my worries. I feel that she only goes to my bf for attention and emotional support since she only started talking to him so much after her divorce. It makes me worried that she has feelings for him, especially because she makes no effort to get to know me. I try to text her and she barely gives me any room to carry a conversation. I have asked my bf to set boundaries and for them not to be texting so much and it works at first, but slowly they go back to texting all the time. I also feel like she has no respect for our relationship and acts like me wanting to set boundaries is a weird thing for me to want to do.

Am I wrong for thinking they shouldn't be texting so much? What are your views on this situation?

He explains that he does not understand where I am coming from when I say their friendship makes me uncomfortable and attributes it to having Aspergers.

Thanks in advance!

 

[Lia]

Even if she has feelings for your boyfriend, that doesn't mean your boyfriend has feelings for her.
Would you be uncomfortable with him texting her if she was a guy?

 

[captivepulse]

Even if she has feelings for your boyfriend, that doesn't mean your boyfriend has feelings for her.
Would you be uncomfortable with him texting her if she was a guy?

As much as people like to think to have a friend of the opposite sex is the same, it just is not to me and the reason is because there is the possibility there.

 

[Rayner]

Do you have any platonic male friends?

As much as people like to think to have a friend of the opposite sex is the same, it just is not to me and the reason is because there is the possibility there.

 

[Dorkasour]

I think it's unfair to him honestly. They've been friends for 12 years. Even if she has feelings for him or not, possibly trust your boyfriend? I think trust and communication in situations like this is important.

I'd hate to be in a battle in picking a friend I've had for 12 years over my g/f and vise versa...I'd never want to be in that position. I'd prefer my g/f support my friendship and trust me. She is also going through a divorce which must be really hard on her and needs someone. She might not be speaking to you about it because she's not known you for as long.

and if he ends up breaking up with you for her then screw him!

 

[captivepulse]

Do you have any platonic male friends?

Yes, but when I speak with them I involve my bf. I do not text them every single day either.

 

[captivepulse]

I think it's unfair to him honestly. They've been friends for 12 years. Even if she has feelings for him or not, possibly trust your boyfriend? I think trust and communication in situations like this is important.

I'd hate to be in a battle in picking a friend I've had for 12 years over my g/f and vise versa...I'd never want to be in that position. I'd prefer my g/f support my friendship and trust me. She is also going through a divorce which must be really hard on her and needs someone. She might not be speaking to you about it because she's not known you for as long.

and if he ends up breaking up with you for her then screw him!

I am trying to be fair, that is why I am here to ask.

It's good to hear other perspectives. And you are right, if it happens, then screw them. I just wish she would respect our relationship the same if I am to respect theirs.

 

[Rayner]

Could you explain what you mean when you say you involve your boyfriend?

Yes, but when I speak with them I involve my bf. I do not text them every single day either.

 

[Lia]

I think you should trust your boyfriend! It's not strange for friends to text each other often, especially when they've known each other for as long as they have!

 

[Judge]

He explains that he does not understand where I am coming from when I say their friendship makes me uncomfortable and attributes it to having Aspergers.

I experience an absence of jealousy and envy myself, though as far as I've been able to tell it's not directly related to being on the spectrum of autism either.

Unless you actually have observed something- anything relative to cheating, all you have is a boyfriend who has known this person considerably longer than he's known you. Under such circumstances I just can't see you dictating terms to him about contacting a longtime friend.

If you force him into taking sides, beware that the outcome you intend may not be the one you seek.

 

[Rayner]

I couldn't have said it better myself.

I experience an absence of jealousy and envy myself, though as far as I've been able to tell it's not directly related to being on the spectrum of autism either.

Unless you actually have observed something- anything relative to cheating, all you have is a boyfriend who has known this person considerably longer than he's known you. Under such circumstances I just can't see you dictating terms to him about contacting a longtime friend.

If you force him into taking sides, beware that the outcome you intend may not be the one you seek.

 

[Major Tom]

I have quite a few female friends that I text daily and have no sort of love interest in them. I just enjoy their company and friendship, they make me laugh and smile or give me good advice, whereas it seems as though my wife and I can't converse and often get into arguments. I don't know if you are having similar communication issues or not, or if he just enjoys texting, but I think that a bit of trust is in order. Good luck!

 

[Suzanne]

Hi there, I agree that it is inappropriate and aspie or not, he should have you as his best friend!

So, with that above sentence of mine, I am contradicting everyone and that shows that despite being aspies, we are just like neurotypicals as in having our own opinions.

The fact that he did listen to you and then, went and text her again, does show that he needs to revalute who is more important to him.

 

[OlLiE]

as an aspie, when i have 'categorised' a woman as my girlfriend/partner, my mind is incapable of seeing another woman as a potential girlfriend until the ongoing relationship has been ended, that is probably why he doesn't understand where you are coming from

he has decided he is with you, so that's just the way it is, no one else stands a chance

just like once i've decided that my girlfriend is my girlfriend and it is my automatic responsibility to be loyal, once i have decided a friend is a fried it is my responsibility to be helpful if needed, there is no emotion involved, just responsibility

like i said this is likely why he doesn't understand where you are coming from, he has designated you as his gf and doesn't understand why you don't take him at his word,

be careful that your own insecurities don't drive him away if you really like him
the downside to this reliability is, for me, that until i decided to marry (ie life long commitment and responsibility) when i was with some one i made a constant cost / benefit analysis of the relationship, when it required more effort than it supplied comfort over a period of time, i ended it right away

just talk to the guy and be logical rather than emotional,

start with 'do you understand why i am upset' but then take what he says at face value and accept it, at one point you either trust him or you don't

 

[Bolletje]

As much as people like to think to have a friend of the opposite sex is the same, it just is not to me and the reason is because there is the possibility there.

So do you not trust your boyfriend to be faithful to you? That seems like the bigger issue, to me.

 

[Tom]

I don't see anything specific to Aspergers here, just typical relationship issues. Everybody is different in what behaviors they are comfortable with. I would guess that if your bf does not understand or respond to your sense of security needs he will be looking for a new girlfriend. I think a good bf or gf has to put their partner first always if the relationship is serious and looking to go long term.

 

[Lia]

I don't see anything specific to Aspergers here, just typical relationship issues. Everybody is different in what behaviors they are comfortable with. I would guess that if your bf does not understand or respond to your sense of security needs he will be looking for a new girlfriend. I think a good bf or gf has to put their partner first always if the relationship is serious and looking to go long term.

Does this mean you think he should stop talking to his friend? If so, why shouldn't she put him first and let him be friends with whoever he wants?

 

[Tom]

Does this mean you think he should stop talking to his friend? If so, why shouldn't she put him first and let him be friends with whoever he wants?

Just my take on things, but I think partners come first, before friends.

 

[Lia]

When someone is controlling they are putting their own insecurity first, not their partner.
I'm not trying to argue, I just want to understand this "don't have any friends once you're in a relationship" logic, because it makes no sense to me!

 

[Bella Pines]

For once, I disagree with the above.

This is not the same as you having a male friend at all. The woman is clearly after your man!

I do agree that this isn't aspie at all, this is just textbook relationship stuff. And the fact that he is aspie is actually a major benefit. The fact that she is cold shouldering you and targeting him after a divorce has probably sailed way over his head. He probably has no clue what is going on. Also, aspies aren't really prone to affairs, we'd much rather be left completely alone to be honest. Texting is okay because it is on our terms. But face to face, pressure, relationships, euch. Run run run....

So I don't know, I would probably suggest that you do whatever you did when you caught his attention in the first place. Be better than her. Don't pressure him, do be honest and say that she makes you uncomfortable. He'll probably lose interest in her and give up texting her just to make you stop hassling him. But the only sure way to win is to be more interesting than her, be the girl he fell for in the first place. And good luck!