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Aspergers and manipulation
- Thread starter Bazinga83
- Start date
An Aspie Narcissist? I dont know, but I tend to doubt it. From what I understand about myself and other Aspies, it would be impossible to be that calculating, devious and so socially aware as to be able to be that manipulative.
Of course anything is possible but....
Maybe with more information we can give better advice or opinions about it.
Of course anything is possible but....
Maybe with more information we can give better advice or opinions about it.
mangodude
Member
i believe such a thing is highly unlikely to occur in case of a person with aspergers, or anyone in autistic spectrum.
(speaking for myself now- i have aspergers)
i have no idea how to manipulate a person. i haven't even thought about it up until now, honestly
but it might be possible
(speaking for myself now- i have aspergers)
i have no idea how to manipulate a person. i haven't even thought about it up until now, honestly
but it might be possible
Illumination
Autist
I do not "manipulate" people, as I don't feel the need to, but I can be very manipulative if I need to be, for example I could be manipulative if someone tried to discriminate against me due to being "different", or other situations that would call for tactical responses. Of course it's not that I am "good" at socializing I am actually horrible at every part of it. -- But I have a tendency to think of every possible negative/positive/neutral situation where I go, and strategize many responses, this also goes for possible conversations.
I would have to say having "Strategy" as a special interest, has helped me get through everything very easily, while not stopping or changing any of my Autistic behavior.
I would have to say having "Strategy" as a special interest, has helped me get through everything very easily, while not stopping or changing any of my Autistic behavior.
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I think it is quite unlikely that one's ability to manipulate others is an ASD trait. People on the spectrum are more likely to be suggestible, many of us being tricked or bullied in our youth. We're very trusting and rarely, if ever, fight back. I think it may be our lack of empathy, the ADHD, and our obsessions with other things that keeps us from learning how to be manipulative with people. I don't think we see any sense in it, and we never learn the art of manipulation.
It takes a lot of experience witnessing tactics and strategies used in manipulation to pick up on the signs that someone is setting you up in some way. Once you grasp the ways in which someone tries to get another to do what they want, you can see how the game is played. A lot of people use the same tactics because they know it works for them. One common set-up is pretending to be needy or incapable of getting something important done on their own. The ASD kind and naive personality will always want to help in some way. We want to cooperate and never disappoint. You have to analyze yourself in detail to see how you fall victim to a ruse. I was in my late 30s before I learned how to say "no". It was a major step. I ended up being less involved in other people's drama and dysfunction. My own sanity is more important. As one on the spectrum, I have enough on my plate to occupy my emotional and organizational stability.
It takes a lot of experience witnessing tactics and strategies used in manipulation to pick up on the signs that someone is setting you up in some way. Once you grasp the ways in which someone tries to get another to do what they want, you can see how the game is played. A lot of people use the same tactics because they know it works for them. One common set-up is pretending to be needy or incapable of getting something important done on their own. The ASD kind and naive personality will always want to help in some way. We want to cooperate and never disappoint. You have to analyze yourself in detail to see how you fall victim to a ruse. I was in my late 30s before I learned how to say "no". It was a major step. I ended up being less involved in other people's drama and dysfunction. My own sanity is more important. As one on the spectrum, I have enough on my plate to occupy my emotional and organizational stability.
I was going to write something much longer, but I decided it'd be best to ask for a little bit of "the story". I understand if you aren't comfortable telling us more, and I won't ask you for anything after this post if you don't want to share anything about your situation.
This just doesn't strike me as one of the threads people post out of innocent curiosity or wanting to engage their community on any aspect of life for the mere sake of it. No, it just feels like there is something going on that is really bothering you.
The brevity of the OP kind of confused me at first and I've rewritten my response several times. It was just hard to figure out what you meant, probably just me though. I looked at your profile a little and that helped me. (Hopefully.)
That all said, you say that he is basically ghosting you suddenly? You used the words "love bomb" and "dispose", so there has been enough of a history to consider yourself in a relationship but not too long that you'd say "leaving you" "abandoning you" etc as most people say when there's been a serious, we-share-the-dog-house-and-pizzas relationship.
Is that fair or am I reading this wrong?
Now it is totally possible for an aspie to realize a little too late that a person is not right for them during the dating process and wussy out and avoid somebody because they don't know how to express themselves. I don't get this feeling though.
You said "love bombing" which is a very manipulative and mean thing. Is that exactly what happened? Were they very affectionate, comparatively to every person you've ever dated? And now they are avoiding you completely? For how long now? We can also get caught up in other life-related things, realize we've been negligent and feel so guilty we avoid people, making the situation worse. But that wouldn't make sense, since I'm assuming you have been trying to initiate contact.
Did something happen in the time before they went completely dark on you? Something that might have upset them or made them feel bad about themselves? Even if it wasn't intentional and wouldn't upset a normal person. Anything outside your relationship maybe?
Also a few more questions: do you guys know each other online or irl? When did you find out he was on the spectrum? Is it a hunch he had or was he diagnosed, I mean. If you know anything about ASD, I guess you can judge how much he matches the profile for yourself. Lot's of people are misdiagnosed. A friend of mine for example, was dating a guy they thought was autistic but he hit her, was violently jealous and clingy and controlling. When she left him, he stalked her both in real life and online, harassed her over the phone, would threaten to kill himself if she didn't come back. You get the idea. Point of this story is that he wasn't autistic, he had Borderline Personality Disorder. Way way different.
Love bombing luckily is not something that I associate with toxic relationships and the sadists that go that far. It's more for the narcissistic type that have no respect for women and so treat courting them like a sport while reveling in some high they get imagining their ex being such a heart broken mess trying to get them back. So if you really feel that you have been discarded by a wad like this, don't give him the ego-inflating satisfaction of looking like you are desperately chasing after him. Heck, if you were really love bombed, he may have even made the whole asperger's thing up to make you sympathetic for him and maybe even feel like you were his dearest most compassionate angel, like a movie clique. (My friend's abusive ex made her feel that way.)
No matter what, the out pouring here should make it self-evident that you are supported and you have people to talk to. So don't be shy.
This just doesn't strike me as one of the threads people post out of innocent curiosity or wanting to engage their community on any aspect of life for the mere sake of it. No, it just feels like there is something going on that is really bothering you.
The brevity of the OP kind of confused me at first and I've rewritten my response several times. It was just hard to figure out what you meant, probably just me though. I looked at your profile a little and that helped me. (Hopefully.)
That all said, you say that he is basically ghosting you suddenly? You used the words "love bomb" and "dispose", so there has been enough of a history to consider yourself in a relationship but not too long that you'd say "leaving you" "abandoning you" etc as most people say when there's been a serious, we-share-the-dog-house-and-pizzas relationship.
Is that fair or am I reading this wrong?
Now it is totally possible for an aspie to realize a little too late that a person is not right for them during the dating process and wussy out and avoid somebody because they don't know how to express themselves. I don't get this feeling though.
You said "love bombing" which is a very manipulative and mean thing. Is that exactly what happened? Were they very affectionate, comparatively to every person you've ever dated? And now they are avoiding you completely? For how long now? We can also get caught up in other life-related things, realize we've been negligent and feel so guilty we avoid people, making the situation worse. But that wouldn't make sense, since I'm assuming you have been trying to initiate contact.
Did something happen in the time before they went completely dark on you? Something that might have upset them or made them feel bad about themselves? Even if it wasn't intentional and wouldn't upset a normal person. Anything outside your relationship maybe?
Also a few more questions: do you guys know each other online or irl? When did you find out he was on the spectrum? Is it a hunch he had or was he diagnosed, I mean. If you know anything about ASD, I guess you can judge how much he matches the profile for yourself. Lot's of people are misdiagnosed. A friend of mine for example, was dating a guy they thought was autistic but he hit her, was violently jealous and clingy and controlling. When she left him, he stalked her both in real life and online, harassed her over the phone, would threaten to kill himself if she didn't come back. You get the idea. Point of this story is that he wasn't autistic, he had Borderline Personality Disorder. Way way different.
Love bombing luckily is not something that I associate with toxic relationships and the sadists that go that far. It's more for the narcissistic type that have no respect for women and so treat courting them like a sport while reveling in some high they get imagining their ex being such a heart broken mess trying to get them back. So if you really feel that you have been discarded by a wad like this, don't give him the ego-inflating satisfaction of looking like you are desperately chasing after him. Heck, if you were really love bombed, he may have even made the whole asperger's thing up to make you sympathetic for him and maybe even feel like you were his dearest most compassionate angel, like a movie clique. (My friend's abusive ex made her feel that way.)
No matter what, the out pouring here should make it self-evident that you are supported and you have people to talk to. So don't be shy.
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I am male, and a recently diagnosed Aspie. I was married to a woman with Covert Narcissistic Personality Disorder for eighteen years. I did not realize that fact until the end of the marriage. I say emphatically that Aspies could not, and would not, be that deceptive and cruel. Aspies are manipulated, and sometimes preyed upon, because of our attributes.
Me too Cactus, married to a passive aggressive narcissist for 20 years, just left him 6 weeks ago. The damage they can do!
Hey, we survived!
I agree with you that Aspies are very vulnerable to people with Cluster B disorders aka narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths etc.
Hey, we survived!
I agree with you that Aspies are very vulnerable to people with Cluster B disorders aka narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths etc.
I know two highly intelligent aspie disagnosed males that are highly manipulative of not only women, but men also. They both use their intelligence, and angers over their frustrating challenging childhoods to manipulate others. Yes, it’s something, they both have been doing for many years. Once they understood how to navigate society, workplaces, and other people, they used everything they had within their means to get on top of everything and get in control. Control is a very powerfully addicting thing. Both of them gained money, success, and have good looks and belong to Mensa. They use everything to their own advantage.
Absolutely. There's evidence of it wherever you can find folks with ASD. Some get it right and some fail to do so, but it happens. I'm not even surprised anymore...turns out some of us really can adapt after all.
That's not implying as a whole that everyone with ASD is manipulative, but there have been and will be exceptions. Jerks? Saints? Extremists? Ordinary? Anything else? That too.
This is all written assuming said person or people in question actually have it; otherwise, that's another can of worms that I don't want to peek inside.
That's not implying as a whole that everyone with ASD is manipulative, but there have been and will be exceptions. Jerks? Saints? Extremists? Ordinary? Anything else? That too.
This is all written assuming said person or people in question actually have it; otherwise, that's another can of worms that I don't want to peek inside.
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On the Inside
Well-Known Member
I have been prone to manipulation from others, so I am guarded.
One person I was in a relationship with mistook my tendency to be passive and just go along with things as being manipulative. But I saw it as me going along with things until I didn't want to anymore. Not being very good at assertiveness, I didn't handle the interaction very well.
One person I was in a relationship with mistook my tendency to be passive and just go along with things as being manipulative. But I saw it as me going along with things until I didn't want to anymore. Not being very good at assertiveness, I didn't handle the interaction very well.
