Are romantic relationships/sex not that big of a deal for NT's?

[paloftoon]

What NT people are trying to say is that if a relationship occurs, it should be natural and you both should feel at ease. It should not feel force and that is why they tell you not to worry. You worry because you want guidance on your actions. The best way to get support if you don't have a close set of friends is to get a counselor, ask for advice on a forum, and/or look for an expensive life coach who would be more available than once a week or at a moment's notice if you need it. Most life coaches are not certified in psychology, but they can generally be more available than 1 hr a week or at an instant that a general psychologist cannot be.

 

[Bolletje]

What NT people are trying to say is that if a relationship occurs, it should be natural and you both should feel at ease.

It’s actually completely normal to occasionally feel awkward in a new relationship. Because the stakes are pretty high, and you’re putting yourself in a vulnerable position, it’s normal to have some insecurities.

 

[Aeolienne]

What NT people are trying to say is that if a relationship occurs, it should be natural and you both should feel at ease. It should not feel forced and that is why they tell you not to worry. You worry because you want guidance on your actions. The best way to get support if you don't have a close set of friends is to get a counselor, ask for advice on a forum, and/or look for an expensive life coach who would be more available than once a week or at a moment's notice if you need it. Most life coaches are not certified in psychology, but they can generally be more available than 1 hr a week or at an instant that a general psychologist cannot be.

I had a few sessions with a life coach in late 2016 (roughly 18 months after my one and only relationship ended). Unfortunately I couldn't afford to continue and my current financial situation rules out resuming it. So much for what the Beatles said...

 

[Mary Anne]

I don't really agree. I don't see how it could be "immature" or "desperate" to seek people for a date or a hook-up in a bar. There's places to not do it, sure, but at least you're putting yourself out there and socializing.

I agree with you. People meet in all sorts of places, but bars and dance venues are some of the easier ones because it’s very clear what the intent is there. By NO means is it easy to hook up in bars though if you don’t look and act a certain way. It can be very difficult, as you sit there for hours sometimes, while everyone else is seemingly hooking up.

Nts have a difficult time too. It helps to look attractive, and have social connections when looking for relationships. If not, there are other ways to meet people, but it’s pretty difficult for lots of people NT or not. That being said, the world is filled with billions of very unattractive people who have marriage, and children, and all that business. I think our western society places far too much importance on viewing social media and buying into all that honest about hit to look, behave, and the over importance of popularity. I have always celebrated living life outside the social norm box. I learned to be proud of my individuality, and only want those that are individually unique and diverse, in my life.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

The best way to get support if you don't have a close set of friends is to get a counselor, ask for advice on a forum, and/or look for an expensive life coach who would be more available than once a week or at a moment's notice if you need it. Most life coaches are not certified in psychology, but they can generally be more available than 1 hr a week or at an instant that a general psychologist cannot be.

What exact wisdom would an expensive life coach be able share with you? I'm super curious and super skeptical at the same time.

I mean... there's not much to say related to dating other than "Look good" "Talk to people" and "Don't be a prick".

That would be one session tops, though. So I doubt that's it...

 

[Fridgemagnetman]

I mean... there's not much to say related to dating other than "Look good" "Talk to people" and "Don't be a prick".

How much do we owe you?

 

[AloneNotLonely]

It's all free. I'm just such a good person.

 

[VJCJ0628]

What exact wisdom would an expensive life coach be able share with you? I'm super curious and super skeptical at the same time.

I mean... there's not much to say related to dating other than "Look good" "Talk to people" and "Don't be a prick".

That would be one session tops, though. So I doubt that's it...

ohh if only it were that easy

 

[mw2530]

Thanks for all the thoughts and comments. Too many to address individually. As others have said, NT's are different from one another and all have different experiences and situations.

 

[mw2530]

It seems like I have zero success in this arena no matter what I do. The majority of my life I just gave up, because if I try, I expend energy but am in the same spot as if I didn't try. I just continue to see the years of my youth pass me by. The prime years to meet someone are gone by the wayside, the years of high school, college, and the early years after college. The years where people are experimenting and having fun. I have the experience of a 16 year old, someone about half my age. No way to make up for those lost years.

 

[Chris34]

Something I have learned on this topic, is that relationships/sex are something that many people consider important. A very huge part of their lives, something that makes them feel complete. I would be dishonest if I were to say that I haven't felt the same from time to time; sometimes I feel empty and useless because I have not achieved it on the ussual way. I have felt that these abilities/knowledge on how to initiate a relationship (either formal or hook up), I have not learned during my teen years (pretty much like going to do an electrician job and not having your toolbox at hand).
1/3

 

[Chris34]

I've had encounters that suggest in part of my mind that are potential partners, but usually end up in me being too anxious to the point of doing nothing or doing something wrong that makes people go away. It is very hard, specially if you're an Aspie like me who works as a machine; and by this I mean that I live on my life as a series of steps and mechanical commands. It works, but it's not 100% effective on this issue.
2/3

 

[Chris34]

I haved hokked up, in places that are meant for that. I don't go to bars or clubs. Never felt attracted to them, since I've been there once and ended up hating such places.
For example, going to gay saunas or using Tinder is easy. This is why I regard sex as a lower level than a true relationship and completely end up failing to understand what a relationship means as a whole concept (is it a commitment? is it something you do as a hobby? should it be important for you? should it be something to feel distress?).
As a final comment, anyone has felt the same? Let me know please
3/3

 

[paloftoon]

What exact wisdom would an expensive life coach be able share with you? I'm super curious and super skeptical at the same time.

I mean... there's not much to say related to dating other than "Look good" "Talk to people" and "Don't be a prick".

That would be one session tops, though. So I doubt that's it...

It depends on the life coach. They might be able to help you deal with a social situation that needs a quick response whereas that psychologist might ask you to wait a week to ask, which might be too long. If you don't have friends you can rely on, a life coach is more likely to be willing to cater to your schedule more. They can be good for short term solutions that are needed in situations that require a response immediately. I would not use a life coach for long term psychologically related stuff, generally speaking.

 

[Sid Delicious]

I haven't seen any difference between NTs and aspies in regards to wanting or valuing relationships. I think perhaps NTs are more aware of what they are looking for and less likely to settle (at least the NTs I know seemed very sure of their dating 'criteria' much earlier in life). And as others have pointed out, there is more likelihood of NTs meeting a suitable partner since the mainstream dating system is set up for NT preferences. If you don't enjoy clubs, bars, parties (very sociable events) and struggle to know if someone will be compatible just from a photo (which a lot of modern dating apps seem to assume) then it's more difficult.

I actually found it fascinating to watch my NT sister 'husband hunting' in her 20s. She is very NT, very sociable, and knew at a young age what she wanted in a partner. She had a few fun relationships early on that she knew wouldn't last, but then decided in her mid 20s that she was ready to get married so needed to find 'the one'. She signed up to multiple online dating websites and spent the next year going out to dinners/films/events with a handful of guys each month. She knew from one date whether they were right or not. As soon as she met her (now) husband, she was fairly certain he would marry her. Within a few months they moved in together and two years later they were married.

In contrast, I've had three long-term relationships and several shorter ones where it took forever to work out what their real intentions were, whether they were a good match, whether we wanted the same things, etc. I just don't pick up on things that my sister does, so it can take years to find out who that person really is. I need to spend a lot of time around a person before I feel I know them well enough to evaluate our compatibility. It takes me months, years to do what my sister manages to do in one meal. I've met other aspies who say the same. I believe that's one of the reasons why aspies tend to remain single or end up with completely incompatible partners. An NT can easily assess and 'reject' 30-odd people in the time it takes me to assess one. So unless that one person happens to luckily be a really good match, then it's statistically far less likely that I'll find someone. And outside of dating, the people that I've spent enough time with to get to know haven't been available.

I guess this doesn't matter if you are looking for one night hookups rather than a compatible long term partner. But I think it's the latter that most people are aiming for.

 

[Aeolienne]

I actually found it fascinating to watch my NT sister 'husband hunting' in her 20s. She is very NT, very sociable, and knew at a young age what she wanted in a partner. She had a few fun relationships early on that she knew wouldn't last, but then decided in her mid 20s that she was ready to get married so needed to find 'the one'. She signed up to multiple online dating websites and spent the next year going out to dinners/films/events with a handful of guys each month. She knew from one date whether they were right or not. As soon as she met her (now) husband, she was fairly certain he would marry her. Within a few months they moved in together and two years later they were married.

And yet agony aunts/uncles tell us that if we are too focussed on finding a long-term relationship we'll scare off potential partners early on. Hence the old adage about relationships coming along when you least expect it. Go figure.

 

[Sid Delicious]

I think there's a difference between being focused and acting desperate/stalker-ish. My sister was very focused on finding a man, but still acted very relaxed on dates. I also don't believe the 'wait and see' approach works these days. At least not for aspies, since we aren't likely to spend as much time in situations where we are going to meet people. If you're the sort of person that already spends a lot of time socialising with a mix of new people each week, then you probably don't need to actively try. I assume the agony aunts you mentioned are targeting their advice at the average NT reader.

 

[Suiseiseki]

I would say its harder finding someone you want to be with.
I turned down a few people because they weren't what I wanted.
I couldn't just date them for a little bit they would try to trap me (2 had children one really wanted children, and I didn't with her).
I did sleep with two of them. Sex is far easier to get then a meaningful relationship, I've had plenty of the former but none of the latter.

 

[Lady Lucifer]

You should see how worked up people are about it on the Love and Dating forum on Wrong Planet... if you want to get seriously depressed or disgusted in the fastest way possible

Um....NO. I have feeling that your a person, who has had a bad experiance with sex in the past. And I'm sorry for that, if I am correct. However, sex is a human drive. We need it for survival and procreation. That said, consent is always needed. But your post makes me cringe.

To the OP, I think it depends on the individual and the generation. I'm a milenial, so a lot of guys I see on the dating sites I go on to, are the "hook up bros." I can tell by what they look like, what they post, and what their interests are. Milenials, also love their porn too, and I'm in a generation where sex education is different depending on the state or country, you live in.

I can't read people perfectly. (thats why I'm on this forum) However, I can usually tell when sex is a big deal to certain men I come across. Wether it be online or in person. I find its harder to find a more relationship driven person, as they often hide in the shadows, while the sex driven make themselves known. However, I do know that relationship driven men are out there. I just have to find them.