Are my feelings fair in this situation?

[Alis1998]

Hey guys.
I was suposse to have a nice fun weekend with my boyfriend and his sister but it turned out not fun for me at all. Please read the details in the spoiler. (I am putting things that are background information in spoilers so it is easier to read).

Spoiler: Living situation

So my boyfriend moved in with me because of our long distance relationship. His sister who is also from scotland actually lives in the netherlands (my country) as well since recently but not in such nice condition.

So she went to stay the night in my house. I cleaned the entire house and my old room as well, really from every corner to the ceiling. Perfectly. I spended two days on this. (I come back to the cleaning part later.)
The planning was that she would stay with us on saterday, but I work on saterday and she and my bf were going to do some fun.
I actually had a bad day at work and was really tired (spoiler for more details).

Spoiler: Sleep and work.

The night between thurseday and friday I had no sleep at all, because my leg was cramping up constantly and my bf and I had a small fight because he wouldn't move an inch while I was crying of pain at the edge of the bed being really uncomfterable. He didn't wanted to talk it out and I can't sleep while I am angry. He didn't care (sleepdrunk) so I felt like that I didn't matter. At work on saterday I had alot of call offs with their appointments and really dizzy.

When I was done with work they were constantly walking for me, giggeling and talking how much fun they had. I love it that they had a good time, but I wanted to be at least properly asked how my day was, even if I could just only said it was bad because of a couple things. But they didn't even bothered. I didn't say anything because I didn't wanted to mess up their moment. But this kept going on. We had dinner with one of those grillingplates where everybody put their own food on and my boyfriend and his sister only asked me when they couldn't reach some food and that was only what they said pretty much. Later we went to watch a movie and I was not feeling well anymore at all.

Spoiler: Food allergy and no intrest.

I probably ate something bad. Which causses me to have extreme stomach pain. Also they were just talking to each other, not involving me and I felt like I couldn't involve anymore. Why would I if they showed not any intrest in me?

Later we all went through the bathroom one by one and I just wanted to go downstairs because I felt really unwanted in my own house. My boyfriend just asked me why I wanted to go downstairs instead of on the same floor and I couldn't hold it in anymore and had to say it.
I felt like the third weel, and unfairly because his sister is here as a quest and she probably feels it worse. I told him how they didn't involve me in anything and that I just wanted some intrest.
Iknow it should be focussed about her and not me. He understand he said but apperantly not.
So the next morning we all woke up and were preparing to go to the city. As promissed I was going to cut their hair, but after an houre of doing that they just wanted to go other things without saying a thank you, leaving me with the mess. My boyfriend showered an hour, while I did 5 minutes because I wanted to save some time for doing something nice in the city. She just went to my room to do whatever. Later we went to the city and everything was the same, they were walking and talking with each other. I literlay felt that if I walked away they wouldn't noticed. My boyfriend ofcourse paided everything his sister wanted, buying expensive clothes for himself when he knows how much trouble I have. He borrowed so much money of me which I actually need back. I need some work materials like a good siccor and workshoes because they are needed to be replaced.

Spoiler: Mad about money and why.

So what annoys me the most is that I need it and that his sister doesn't need money for the things she has bought with it. Iknow she doesn't pay it back as well and in the city she actually almost lost hers and she was just acting chill about it while I am here waiting paycheck to paycheck to see if I can even save up a couple euros.

The planning was actually that she would have stayed with us till 2 pm. That went to 6 pm. Before we were done with eating and everything it was 9oclock. Then my boyfriend told me that he was going to spend the evening at his sister and brothers house, not even asking if I wanted to come with him and not even caring about me.

Spoiler: The last couple weeks.

So the last couple weeks he is always home late from work or from his brothers house. The sundays are filled with arranging things and not even hanging out. We actually spend like an houre every day really togheter while he is just tired and falling asleep almost.

I feel like a third weel, like he doesn't care anymore and that me trying my best is not enough to get some effort/caring back. I don't know if this is unfair. I feel like talking right now to someone that knows me personally is not a good idea and especially not with him because I feel really uncomfterable and insecure.

 

[Nauti]

He doesn't sound.like good boyfriend material. Imagine you were pregnant and he was that inattentive to your needs?
Nooooooo. It would be very bad for you. He doesn't deserve you, treating you like that.
He is treating you poorly and I don't think you should put up with it.

I'm sorry he is being such a thoughtless and careless boyfriend. I would feel very hurt, too.

So NO you are not being unfair, he is and his sister is rude and ungrateful too.

They sound immature, irresponsible and inconsiderate and I would NOT want to keep putting up with that. You deserve MUCH better.
Be kind to yourself. Do really nice, thoughtful, nurturing and caring things for yourself, because you have had a hurtful, demoralizing and hard time and YOU MATTER and YOUR FEELING'S MATTER and you should be treated as if you are THE MOST Important person by your significant other, not as a third wheel. That just isn't good enough.

I would probably feel like breaking up with him, if he treated me that care-lessly.

Can you get him to listen and hear how all that hurt you? If he can't or won't he really isn't worth your time because he isn't putting any effort into the relationship and things will only get worse.
Sorry you are hurting so, it's not fair. You sound like a caring, kind, responsible and lovely person.

 

[Sarah S]

I agree with Nauti on this 101 % Either he change or time to leave my dear simple as this if it was my BF /Husband i would either confront him with how i felt and if he dident change id leave / husband same story only i would get a divorce

 

[Fiona]

They are fair. It seems like he's just using you and doesn't have any respect at all.
What Nauti said is probably enough so I'll just agree with her as well. I know you have feelings for him and you care about his happiness but you have to think about yourself more. Changes aren't very pleasent and it'll probably hurt but I hope you'll make some solid decisions about this. He doesn't deserve you, acting like that.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

He sounds like the grand emperor of mooch. He also seems to have an imouto-fetish. Maybe if you call him onii-sama he will warm up to you? I am sorry, I am in a giggly mood all of a sudden. But the parallels are striking.

The main mystery here is why you are questioning yourself.

 

[paloftoon]

Hmm, does your boyfriend always do this to you, or was it just this particular weekend?

Your boyfriend doesn't see his sister often. So, they wanted to spend more time with each other. Context is everything. The way your post started out, it doesn't seem like this (boyfriend being like this on this particular weekend only) is the case, but I want to make sure.

 

[Fino]

I voted "yes" before reading it because feelings are always fair.

 

[BlueSky Aozora]

What?? He lives with you in your house? And they treat you like s*it? The most important one is.. He lives in your house, and borrows your money & he did NOT pay it back!!! Such red flags!!

No matter how lovely he was, no matter how much you love him, you should not let they treat you like that. Are they only using you? If so, kick him out of the house. Dont let him live there anymore.

Such red flags! Dont be the doormat. Easier to say than do, i know..

He might be like that during only (?) those moments.. But this is not the kind of husband & in-laws you would want to be with, right? Will they ever change, will things get better..? Dont know..

.. Why would the heck he lives in your house? Who pay for the rent & bills? He always go to his brother's house, he should just live there.. How many times/how much money he borrowed? For what? Did he pay you back your money that he borrowed? Until when you want to let him live off you? I'm sorry that i sound interrogating, but i just feel mad at him.. You dont need to answer if you dont want to. They are the questions for yourself..

I feel angry at him, and feel bad for you.. I know it's not easy to let go; it's not easy to notice that we're being treated like doormats, and it's not easy maybe to stop being one.. But i dont want you to be a doormat. If you feel unconfident, and you dont mind playing a smartphone game, i suggest you play an app called "Liar! Uncover the Truth". Here you as a protagonist will notice the red flags, and protect yourself from the possible abuses. I know it's only a game which is not 100% realistic, but it somehow taught me a valuable lesson (and fun too).

Apart from the bad ways he treated you (maybe it's only occasional like when his sister comes, or maybe he's just tired, or you two are adapting to live together or other issues.. I dont know), i'm concern also about how he moves in & didnt pay back the money.. I dont know what that is for, & whether he's doing his best to pay you back, & whether you discussed with him in good ways..

Do you have a good connection with your family there? Any best friends you can confide in? I hope you're okay..

 

[Alis1998]

He doesn't sound.like good boyfriend material. Imagine you were pregnant and he was that inattentive to your needs?
Nooooooo. It would be very bad for you. He doesn't deserve you, treating you like that.
He is treating you poorly and I don't think you should put up with it.

I'm sorry he is being such a thoughtless and careless boyfriend. I would feel very hurt, too.

So NO you are not being unfair, he is and his sister is rude and ungrateful too.

They sound immature, irresponsible and inconsiderate and I would NOT want to keep putting up with that. You deserve MUCH better.
Be kind to yourself. Do really nice, thoughtful, nurturing and caring things for yourself, because you have had a hurtful, demoralizing and hard time and YOU MATTER and YOUR FEELING'S MATTER and you should be treated as if you are THE MOST Important person by your significant other, not as a third wheel. That just isn't good enough.

I would probably feel like breaking up with him, if he treated me that care-lessly.

Can you get him to listen and hear how all that hurt you? If he can't or won't he really isn't worth your time because he isn't putting any effort into the relationship and things will only get worse.
Sorry you are hurting so, it's not fair. You sound like a caring, kind, responsible and lovely person.

We eventually talked after I was acting off towards him, I was really too pissed off to talk to him anymore with an understanding mindset. I guess I had to show him the hard way, he understands what I was feeling and he actually tried to make me feel more comfterable. I am giving him one chance.

Spoiler: .

I think after having a panic attack it was quite clear to him that I have feelings as well. He mostly comforts me during those but this time I walkes away from him, showing him that I rather have it worse then to feel worse by him. He did comfort me after I was dragged back by him (not literlay speaking) and then talked it out.

Anyway, I want to thank you for responding so early on my post. That really helped me , what didn't helped was the site having a blackout. All of you guys maked me realise something important.

 

[Alis1998]

He sounds like the grand emperor of mooch. He also seems to have an imouto-fetish. Maybe if you call him onii-sama he will warm up to you? I am sorry, I am in a giggly mood all of a sudden. But the parallels are striking.

The main mystery here is why you are questioning yourself.

No don't be sorry, it actually maked me laugh a bit.
Why I am questioning myself is because of a couple issues I have personally. Like, I can come off as quite harsh, blunt. I also have the issue of croping every problematic thing in my mind untill I explode.
But mainly insecurities I think. I also had some other things going on. He was right about me reacting harshly towards me, I asked the people who lived and saw me that week but that was "still not a reason" (his words).

 

[Alis1998]

Hmm, does your boyfriend always do this to you, or was it just this particular weekend?

Your boyfriend doesn't see his sister often. So, they wanted to spend more time with each other. Context is everything. The way your post started out, it doesn't seem like this (boyfriend being like this on this particular weekend only) is the case, but I want to make sure.

Sometimes he has a more selfcentric mood but not like this. But remember, I am no angel either. I sometimes have it as well. Indeed he doesn't see her alot, but I couldn't/didn't felt like tellingn him that he and his sisters were being really "unnessarly pains in the ass".

 

[Alis1998]

What?? He lives with you in your house? And they treat you like s*it? The most important one is.. He lives in your house, and borrows your money & he did NOT pay it back!!! Such red flags!!

No matter how lovely he was, no matter how much you love him, you should not let they treat you like that. Are they only using you? If so, kick him out of the house. Dont let him live there anymore.

Such red flags! Dont be the doormat. Easier to say than do, i know..

He might be like that during only (?) those moments.. But this is not the kind of husband & in-laws you would want to be with, right? Will they ever change, will things get better..? Dont know..

.. Why would the heck he lives in your house? Who pay for the rent & bills? He always go to his brother's house, he should just live there.. How many times/how much money he borrowed? For what? Did he pay you back your money that he borrowed? Until when you want to let him live off you? I'm sorry that i sound interrogating, but i just feel mad at him.. You dont need to answer if you dont want to. They are the questions for yourself..

I feel angry at him, and feel bad for you.. I know it's not easy to let go; it's not easy to notice that we're being treated like doormats, and it's not easy maybe to stop being one.. But i dont want you to be a doormat. If you feel unconfident, and you dont mind playing a smartphone game, i suggest you play an app called "Liar! Uncover the Truth". Here you as a protagonist will notice the red flags, and protect yourself from the possible abuses. I know it's only a game which is not 100% realistic, but it somehow taught me a valuable lesson (and fun too).

Apart from the bad ways he treated you (maybe it's only occasional like when his sister comes, or maybe he's just tired, or you two are adapting to live together or other issues.. I dont know), i'm concern also about how he moves in & didnt pay back the money.. I dont know what that is for, & whether he's doing his best to pay you back, & whether you discussed with him in good ways..

Do you have a good connection with your family there? Any best friends you can confide in? I hope you're okay..

I have familly living in my house, however they doubted me before I could have explained (That is their normal behaviour). He is living here because he immigrated back to here but wasn't able to find a house yet. The money was spended on things like public transportation, his identity card and life essenstials (food, drinks, hygiene products but nothing speciall). I never gave him the money in his hands, I was the one that actually payed but that is still on his part to pay back. We havent talked yet about money, but we have talked about him moving out in a short period of time. (Don't think that I was being easy on him this time, my mind exploded so I told him to even rent a box on the street if he couldn't find anything).

 

[paloftoon]

What?? He lives with you in your house? And they treat you like s*it? The most important one is.. He lives in your house, and borrows your money & he did NOT pay it back!!! Such red flags!!

No matter how lovely he was, no matter how much you love him, you should not let they treat you like that. Are they only using you? If so, kick him out of the house. Dont let him live there anymore.

Such red flags! Dont be the doormat. Easier to say than do, i know..

He might be like that during only (?) those moments.. But this is not the kind of husband & in-laws you would want to be with, right? Will they ever change, will things get better..? Dont know..

.. Why would the heck he lives in your house? Who pay for the rent & bills? He always go to his brother's house, he should just live there.. How many times/how much money he borrowed? For what? Did he pay you back your money that he borrowed? Until when you want to let him live off you? I'm sorry that i sound interrogating, but i just feel mad at him.. You dont need to answer if you dont want to. They are the questions for yourself..

I feel angry at him, and feel bad for you.. I know it's not easy to let go; it's not easy to notice that we're being treated like doormats, and it's not easy maybe to stop being one.. But i dont want you to be a doormat. If you feel unconfident, and you dont mind playing a smartphone game, i suggest you play an app called "Liar! Uncover the Truth". Here you as a protagonist will notice the red flags, and protect yourself from the possible abuses. I know it's only a game which is not 100% realistic, but it somehow taught me a valuable lesson (and fun too).

Apart from the bad ways he treated you (maybe it's only occasional like when his sister comes, or maybe he's just tired, or you two are adapting to live together or other issues.. I dont know), i'm concern also about how he moves in & didnt pay back the money.. I dont know what that is for, & whether he's doing his best to pay you back, & whether you discussed with him in good ways..

Do you have a good connection with your family there? Any best friends you can confide in? I hope you're okay..

Thank you for pointing this out. I totally missed this in reading through. Being at work with so much going on in my own life. . .
You're so right. Money is a big deal when you aren't being respected with it. Even though you didn't give money directly, it's still a big deal.

I have familly living in my house, however they doubted me before I could have explained (That is their normal behaviour). He is living here because he immigrated back to here but wasn't able to find a house yet. The money was spended on things like public transportation, his identity card and life essenstials (food, drinks, hygiene products but nothing speciall). I never gave him the money in his hands, I was the one that actually payed but that is still on his part to pay back. We havent talked yet about money, but we have talked about him moving out in a short period of time. (Don't think that I was being easy on him this time, my mind exploded so I told him to even rent a box on the street if he couldn't find anything).

The fact that you live with your family and that he does too complicates things potentially.
Don't expect your money back. If he doesn't make true efforts to show good intentions to pay you back as he should, you should break up with him. If he won't move out, then you should move out. Since it's not your place, you can't kick him out. However, you might be stuck in a bind if you can't move out on your own either, and that seems to be the case. Ideally, you can move out or he gets kicked out immediately if he doesn't pay you back in say a month.

Maybe, in your situation, if he isn't showing you some respect with this money thing, then consider just letting him know you and him are not committed to each other anymore but that anyone else you both meet should not be brought into your family's home at all. And of course, don't lend him anymore and let him fend for himself.

 

[Alis1998]

Thank you for pointing this out. I totally missed this in reading through. Being at work with so much going on in my own life. . .
You're so right. Money is a big deal when you aren't being respected with it. Even though you didn't give money directly, it's still a big deal.




The fact that you live with your family and that he does too complicates things potentially.
Don't expect your money back. If he doesn't make true efforts to show good intentions to pay you back as he should, you should break up with him. If he won't move out, then you should move out. Since it's not your place, you can't kick him out. However, you might be stuck in a bind if you can't move out on your own either, and that seems to be the case. Ideally, you can move out or he gets kicked out immediately if he doesn't pay you back in say a month.

Maybe, in your situation, if he isn't showing you some respect with this money thing, then consider just letting him know you and him are not committed to each other anymore but that anyone else you both meet should not be brought into your family's home at all. And of course, don't lend him anymore and let him fend for himself.

I got some back yesterday late, it was not close to the full payment but he told me to just buy myself something I need and not to count it in as payment for the debt he maked with me. (Which is hard for my brain to proces because I will count it natrually as payment, but I will stick to his words now just in case). I am however not planning on moving out of my "own" house. If somebody has to leave, it is him. He tries to make things even now as far as emotionall. Like yesterday was all about me.

I am not here to defend my bf, but this is actually some information that I need to share since I probably created the wrong mindset about the money issue. He was not like this before, it is actually the last two/three months. He is not perfect, but so I am also not.

So back to other things: We are slowly trying to work things out. We both promissed to do things on our part. I need to watch out for me coming off as blunt (this is actually the case) and he needs to make that noticeable if I don't notice myself. He also needs to ask more to get more insight on my part since I felt he betrayed my trust/comfortzone with telling everything and reconsider more how I feel.
We will see where we go with this, and otherwise he is going to live with me untill he have payed everything back and then move out.
We perhaps indeed have trouble adjusting towards each other, and maybe the timing is not on the right level for living with eachother. I might have explained alot, especially with negative emotions but I don't think that (in general) we can describe an entire relationship in just one post. I agree that the two of us both have issues (he more on the moment) but you know, you don't throw away any broken machine if you can at least try to fix the issue first. I am also not just doing that for the relationship, but also to get to know myself in those situations and to prevent it in the future. However: I do thank you guys alot, you guys actually tried and did helped me. You are all right, I must give myself a bit more care and not let myself be taken for granted. We will see where this leads. My mindset now is breaking or making now.

 

[paloftoon]

I got some back yesterday late, it was not close to the full payment but he told me to just buy myself something I need and not to count it in as payment for the debt he maked with me. (Which is hard for my brain to proces because I will count it natrually as payment, but I will stick to his words now just in case). I am however not planning on moving out of my "own" house. If somebody has to leave, it is him. He tries to make things even now as far as emotionall. Like yesterday was all about me.

I am not here to defend my bf, but this is actually some information that I need to share since I probably created the wrong mindset about the money issue. He was not like this before, it is actually the last two/three months. He is not perfect, but so I am also not.

So back to other things: We are slowly trying to work things out. We both promissed to do things on our part. I need to watch out for me coming off as blunt (this is actually the case) and he needs to make that noticeable if I don't notice myself. He also needs to ask more to get more insight on my part since I felt he betrayed my trust/comfortzone with telling everything and reconsider more how I feel.
We will see where we go with this, and otherwise he is going to live with me untill he have payed everything back and then move out.
We perhaps indeed have trouble adjusting towards each other, and maybe the timing is not on the right level for living with eachother. I might have explained alot, especially with negative emotions but I don't think that (in general) we can describe an entire relationship in just one post. I agree that the two of us both have issues (he more on the moment) but you know, you don't throw away any broken machine if you can at least try to fix the issue first. I am also not just doing that for the relationship, but also to get to know myself in those situations and to prevent it in the future. However: I do thank you guys alot, you guys actually tried and did helped me. You are all right, I must give myself a bit more care and not let myself be taken for granted. We will see where this leads. My mindset now is breaking or making now.

Blunt is not necessarily a bad thing if you aren't being a jerk about it. Some issues that are serious do need to be said out directly to try to maintain or improve to a healthy relationship. If you get to the point where you know you have to kick him out of the house, you do it immediately and don't hold back. You stand your ground and just keep repeating yourself as much as you can. Warn to call the police and actually do it if he doesn't follow through. If you aren't able to do this when you feel this time has hit, then you have to accept the consequences of him living with you even if they are unfair to you. I'm not saying that you deserve bad treatment of course, but just being importantly realistic.

Also, since it's not technically your place, the people who do own the place (assumedly your parents), are in the right to know about your situation even though it may be more personal and private for you otherwise. If you haven't told your family/parents/people who own the home about the situation, you should if you've taken other steps on your own and you know you're to the point where you have to kick him out of the house. Hopefully it doesn't come to that point. But I think it helps to be prepared and think about these important scenarios.

You are smart to count the payment as part of the debt even though he says otherwise. If it was really more of a gift, part of that gift would be the the entire debt was already paid off in addition. You don't tell him this unless necessary- just keep it in mind. This mindset also helps you not expect too much which I think is a good thing. When you lend money out, you never expect it back, ever. So if you don't have the means to lend, don't do so. If you aren't paid back in a reasonable manner or a reasonable amount of time, and if the person you lent money to is not in good communication with you, it's time to move on and distance yourself away from that person until they do pay you properly.

You know your situations and all the entangled emotions involved but these are some general guidelines I'm offering you that are worth considering in general.