hazybabe
Member
Is that something that happened to you myrtonos?
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Anyone else very clingy?
- Thread starter Fluttershy
- Start date
wanderer03
Well-Known Member
I certainly don't mind someone who likes to be close. I'm used to women being aloof.
I'm sort of a mix between being emotionless and just being an emotional train wreck. I'd normally like to think I'm stoic, but I've been told otherwise. I can get really clingy and possibly non-dangerously obsessive when I form a platonic bond (I would say romantic, but I'm too young on my terms and apathetic to engage in a relationship) with someone.
(Lol, first time I actually shared this.)
(Lol, first time I actually shared this.)
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Coupe
Well-Known Member
I do feel like I have "clingy" tendencies, although I think they were more prevalent when I was younger - say, b/tw the ages of 9-12.
I remember that I was (and still am) very attached to my favorite aunt. I don't know what it is about her...she's just this incredibly "safe" - feeling person. She has never made any demands on me, she's always respected my boundaries (she videotaped me a lot when I was a little kid, but when I would tell her to not film me, she would respectfully put the camera away or divert its focus elsewhere), she doesn't view me as a burden or a screwup at all, and she doesn't think of my interests as completely pointless or childish. I can recall this one time when she visited the family for Thanksgiving or Christmas when I was about 9, and when she had to return home, I didn't take it well at all. In retrospect, I really do think that was my first actual period of depression...I pretty much cried off and on, had no interest in what I was usually interested in, and just kind of laid in bed with a stuffed Pikachu that my aunt had given me for my birthday a few years before. When I was much younger and was obsessed with Snow White and the Seven Dwarves (mostly with the Dwarves, I found Snow White kind of annoying), my aunt gave me a stuffed doll of Sneezy, one of my favorite Dwarves. I cuddled Sneezy too, when I missed my aunt, but he was at my dad's house at the time (my parents were divorced) and Pikachu was bigger and more cuddly, anyway.
As an adult, I actually feel less attached to the people I ought to feel the most attached to....it's as if I'm bracing myself for when it all ends abruptly and they either have to leave or decide to leave me permanently. I can never allow myself to just feel happy with someone I care about. The time will come when it WILL hurt me, as along as I feel attached.
I remember that I was (and still am) very attached to my favorite aunt. I don't know what it is about her...she's just this incredibly "safe" - feeling person. She has never made any demands on me, she's always respected my boundaries (she videotaped me a lot when I was a little kid, but when I would tell her to not film me, she would respectfully put the camera away or divert its focus elsewhere), she doesn't view me as a burden or a screwup at all, and she doesn't think of my interests as completely pointless or childish. I can recall this one time when she visited the family for Thanksgiving or Christmas when I was about 9, and when she had to return home, I didn't take it well at all. In retrospect, I really do think that was my first actual period of depression...I pretty much cried off and on, had no interest in what I was usually interested in, and just kind of laid in bed with a stuffed Pikachu that my aunt had given me for my birthday a few years before. When I was much younger and was obsessed with Snow White and the Seven Dwarves (mostly with the Dwarves, I found Snow White kind of annoying), my aunt gave me a stuffed doll of Sneezy, one of my favorite Dwarves. I cuddled Sneezy too, when I missed my aunt, but he was at my dad's house at the time (my parents were divorced) and Pikachu was bigger and more cuddly, anyway.
As an adult, I actually feel less attached to the people I ought to feel the most attached to....it's as if I'm bracing myself for when it all ends abruptly and they either have to leave or decide to leave me permanently. I can never allow myself to just feel happy with someone I care about. The time will come when it WILL hurt me, as along as I feel attached.
I have a tendency to do so with friendships. I wish people would be honest about when we were doing this, but most people aren't. What is also tricky is that some people cannot handle if you are honest with them because they will react poorly and society may end up blaming you. I've been on this end where I let a person know he was too clingy because he was obsessively attracted to me, and I did not feel the same way about him. People felt I betrayed him because they felt I knew everything involved emotionally and that I was trying to take advantage of him, but that was not the case at all. Sometimes, people only see what they want to see. Of course, I have to just move on to the rest of my life and other groups and interests.
Bro'Freak
Well-Known Member
After giving this some thought about my being clingy, I've come to the conclusion that this may be down to having
a twin sister. A female friend highlighted this to me the other day as we talked about a recent failed relationship.
She explained it must be hard for me because of my experience of having a twin sister & I might be trying to fix the relationship as if the ex was family.
a twin sister. A female friend highlighted this to me the other day as we talked about a recent failed relationship.
She explained it must be hard for me because of my experience of having a twin sister & I might be trying to fix the relationship as if the ex was family.
ChurchTheArtist
The love child of Bob Ross and Batman
I had the problem of being clingy in my relationships; each time was different. I tried to identify how I was so and fix it for the next time. I believe it has much to do with the apt for extremes in our ways of thinking.
I could go on and on about the details of how each "clingy" symptom has it's root but ultimately it's something that should be a personal journey for each individual. But know that it is not okay to be clingy in a relationship. The term clingy is a loose and informal synonym for co-dependent with ties to obsession and over-zealous idealism. While there may seem to be nothing inherently wrong with two people spending even just a large percentage of time together, even if they are doing well, if one thing takes an abundance of a person's time it always means that other things will be sacrificed.
My last relationship was relatively problem free and we did well together. Most of my adolescent habits of desperation tendencies which are labeled for the lamen's as "clingy" had been dealt with. However the fact still remained that I dedicated a grand percentage of my spare time to my girlfriend and she to me. In this, there was little wrong with our time spent, especially because it was completely clean (long distance relationship over Skype). However the inability to even deny myself the time to spend with her lead to the downfall of all my other priorities and projects. I ended up devolving into a procrastinator, always talking about things I needed to do but never doing them. We, both having asperger's, had the bad habit of letting our dreams of furthering the relationship get out of hand and our want for a closer living situation against the proportionate time spent in the relationship ended up causing undue stress on the relationship. The simple inability to pace ourselves caused a perfectly decent relationship to self destruct with all sorts of strange snow-balled ideas confusing us.
Much of the later effects of clingy nature is that it often feeds other diagnosis' such as bipolar, borderline personality, schizophrenia and many other labels that tend to find relevance in the lives of those on the spectrum and others around them. A major contributor to an unhealthy relationship is a person who dates an idea of their partner and doesn't actually see or accept them for who or what they really are. When we hear "you don't miss them, you miss the idea of them" it refers in retrospect to a problem that would have actually caused disruption in the relationship before. Sticking too hard to a partner will also lead to unbalanced views of that partner and vice versa. We see more clearly at a distance, even emotionally, but not too far either.
Part of counteracting the clingy nature is: patience and content. We get desperate and anxious all too easy and when we get something we like, we indulge without measure. But all things must progress in a more natural time and should not be forced or coerced. You cannot conduct a romance in full control, only emulate a facade that looks like an ideal but has no flavor. We are taught by our sources of entertainment what romantic love looks like but the embellished scripts don't accurately depict how the world works, leaving many with a sense of dull lack of enjoyment in the situation they see. Romance is well seated in idealistic scripts that often hold too much weight over the things that would otherwise grow true romance. When we have something that is good and enjoyable, it is too easy to want more sooner. Much of our limited scope and grasp of time and cause/effect leads us to grasp rapidly for as much as we can reach as soon as we can see it which is one of the poor behaviors that actually kills true romance. It takes long practice to be content with just being in a relationship that starts slow and builds gradually over time. Ultimately it will come down to our inherent inability to self-validate and self-please with our emotions. It is hard enough even without autism to just sit back and be happy with what you have today and not violently grope for what you don't have to make you happy.
Also, typical ultra-clingy behavior, either by guy or girl is never becoming. In the event of the behavior never being addressed, most individuals who indulge in the behavior will end up acting like a cartoon of themselves which may be a turn-on for some people but doesn't help anyone in the larger picture. I often hear people with asperger's talk angrily about not wanting to put on a mask and pretend to be someone they aren't for the sake of being nice or polite but ironically they turn around and try to act like an anime character (which doesn't translate to reality) in their relationship or something thereabouts.
I could go on and on about the details of how each "clingy" symptom has it's root but ultimately it's something that should be a personal journey for each individual. But know that it is not okay to be clingy in a relationship. The term clingy is a loose and informal synonym for co-dependent with ties to obsession and over-zealous idealism. While there may seem to be nothing inherently wrong with two people spending even just a large percentage of time together, even if they are doing well, if one thing takes an abundance of a person's time it always means that other things will be sacrificed.
My last relationship was relatively problem free and we did well together. Most of my adolescent habits of desperation tendencies which are labeled for the lamen's as "clingy" had been dealt with. However the fact still remained that I dedicated a grand percentage of my spare time to my girlfriend and she to me. In this, there was little wrong with our time spent, especially because it was completely clean (long distance relationship over Skype). However the inability to even deny myself the time to spend with her lead to the downfall of all my other priorities and projects. I ended up devolving into a procrastinator, always talking about things I needed to do but never doing them. We, both having asperger's, had the bad habit of letting our dreams of furthering the relationship get out of hand and our want for a closer living situation against the proportionate time spent in the relationship ended up causing undue stress on the relationship. The simple inability to pace ourselves caused a perfectly decent relationship to self destruct with all sorts of strange snow-balled ideas confusing us.
Much of the later effects of clingy nature is that it often feeds other diagnosis' such as bipolar, borderline personality, schizophrenia and many other labels that tend to find relevance in the lives of those on the spectrum and others around them. A major contributor to an unhealthy relationship is a person who dates an idea of their partner and doesn't actually see or accept them for who or what they really are. When we hear "you don't miss them, you miss the idea of them" it refers in retrospect to a problem that would have actually caused disruption in the relationship before. Sticking too hard to a partner will also lead to unbalanced views of that partner and vice versa. We see more clearly at a distance, even emotionally, but not too far either.
Part of counteracting the clingy nature is: patience and content. We get desperate and anxious all too easy and when we get something we like, we indulge without measure. But all things must progress in a more natural time and should not be forced or coerced. You cannot conduct a romance in full control, only emulate a facade that looks like an ideal but has no flavor. We are taught by our sources of entertainment what romantic love looks like but the embellished scripts don't accurately depict how the world works, leaving many with a sense of dull lack of enjoyment in the situation they see. Romance is well seated in idealistic scripts that often hold too much weight over the things that would otherwise grow true romance. When we have something that is good and enjoyable, it is too easy to want more sooner. Much of our limited scope and grasp of time and cause/effect leads us to grasp rapidly for as much as we can reach as soon as we can see it which is one of the poor behaviors that actually kills true romance. It takes long practice to be content with just being in a relationship that starts slow and builds gradually over time. Ultimately it will come down to our inherent inability to self-validate and self-please with our emotions. It is hard enough even without autism to just sit back and be happy with what you have today and not violently grope for what you don't have to make you happy.
Also, typical ultra-clingy behavior, either by guy or girl is never becoming. In the event of the behavior never being addressed, most individuals who indulge in the behavior will end up acting like a cartoon of themselves which may be a turn-on for some people but doesn't help anyone in the larger picture. I often hear people with asperger's talk angrily about not wanting to put on a mask and pretend to be someone they aren't for the sake of being nice or polite but ironically they turn around and try to act like an anime character (which doesn't translate to reality) in their relationship or something thereabouts.
Fluttershy
Well-Known Member
I think assuming that clinging as a whole ruins a relationship is a bit presumptuous. Obviously if someone is clingy because they have underlying issues, those should be addressed, but does that mean one is undeserving of love?
I think being too distant in a relationship can create the exact same problems if you're dating the wrong person.
I think being too distant in a relationship can create the exact same problems if you're dating the wrong person.
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ChurchTheArtist
The love child of Bob Ross and Batman
I never said someone with issues is undeserving of love. I also never said to be too distant either.
Those are both extremes (I noted before such tendencies) and are also why your post is presumptuous of mine more than mine of yours. I never said those things. I also know that you are free to be however you wish in a relationship and if you don't want to hear any different opinion that would insist you change, that's also your prerogative.
Ask someone who is qualified to speak their advice, they are free to give it. Telling them they are presumptuous and putting extreme words in their mouth to make them seem wrong doesn't help you or anyone else. You don't have to take my advice nor do you have to open a dialog to clarify what I mean and why. It doesn't affect me.
I'm only trying to help in the only way I know how.
Bro'Freak
Well-Known Member
ChurchTheArtist - You have a good insight on the machinations of the mind, big respect to you man.
Keep it up, you are ready to say some truths, despite it being unpalpitable, tbh imho you are true so all good & valid. Thanks for the honesty & stay true, good luck & yeah.
Keep it up, you are ready to say some truths, despite it being unpalpitable, tbh imho you are true so all good & valid. Thanks for the honesty & stay true, good luck & yeah.
Fluttershy
Well-Known Member
It won't let me quote on mobile, but ChurchtheArtist, I never said I needed help. I was just curious how different people with autism were romantically, as we often get portrayed in the media and books as emotionally distant and I feel rather the opposite.
Being clingy / romantic can be a hindrance to some relationships, but I don't think those ones were meant to be. I'm with someone who is also pretty clingy / romantic, and the most important part of our relationship (and really any relationship) is that she communicates with me. We tell each other if we're overstepping boundaries and always check in with each other. If it's not safe to communicate, that's the problem. I don't think clingy behaviors themselves are unless two people are just incompatible. My ex was super distant and it never worked out because we had a different mindset (and because she was very controlling, but that's another story).
I probably worded my original post badly. I might have been feeling insecure at the time. I don't remember tbh. But I was just curious how everyone else experienced their romantic feelings.
Being clingy / romantic can be a hindrance to some relationships, but I don't think those ones were meant to be. I'm with someone who is also pretty clingy / romantic, and the most important part of our relationship (and really any relationship) is that she communicates with me. We tell each other if we're overstepping boundaries and always check in with each other. If it's not safe to communicate, that's the problem. I don't think clingy behaviors themselves are unless two people are just incompatible. My ex was super distant and it never worked out because we had a different mindset (and because she was very controlling, but that's another story).
I probably worded my original post badly. I might have been feeling insecure at the time. I don't remember tbh. But I was just curious how everyone else experienced their romantic feelings.
Scorpio1983
Well-Known Member
I want a relationship with a woman who's autistic for real I want someone who I'm compatible with
Bro'Freak
Well-Known Member
Fluttershy - "If it's not safe to communicate, that's the problem."
I think you have hit one of the nails on the head there. In my last relationship my Ex was soo tetchy about anything... really anything... I forgave her to give space to be, to grow & be. But I reckon that she had not defined her problems or got to grips with her addictions & so I was constantly under fire. Thus I became withdrawn from discussing any problems because she was not able to be conciliatory about our problems if I brought them up. I might be wrong with what i went through, but she was soo tough on her self that if she was happy that meant she wasn't thinking & had to be hard again to be safe. What i mean is that due to a lack of ability to move forward due to past transgressions we both ended up in a self defeating limbo. I know we both loved each other & we had great times but as much as i tried to just be there..., it was denying the fact that she had constantly tried to find problems... I found myself trapped in trying harder than i needed to, to show her that it was ok.. but at the same time I didn't trust her to understand her constant blowups/meltdowns were all down to what was in her head & actually incredibly unfare for I to be blamed for. So I became a clingy rabbit gazing at the headlamps.
I think you have hit one of the nails on the head there. In my last relationship my Ex was soo tetchy about anything... really anything... I forgave her to give space to be, to grow & be. But I reckon that she had not defined her problems or got to grips with her addictions & so I was constantly under fire. Thus I became withdrawn from discussing any problems because she was not able to be conciliatory about our problems if I brought them up. I might be wrong with what i went through, but she was soo tough on her self that if she was happy that meant she wasn't thinking & had to be hard again to be safe.
What i mean is that due to a lack of ability to move forward due to past transgressions we both ended up in a self defeating limbo. I know we both loved each other & we had great times but as much as i tried to just be there..., it was denying the fact that she had constantly tried to find problems... I found myself trapped in trying harder than i needed to, to show her that it was ok.. but at the same time I didn't trust her to understand her constant blowups/meltdowns were all down to what was in her head & actually incredibly unfare for I to be blamed for. So I became a clingy rabbit gazing at the headlamps.
Fluttershy
Well-Known Member
Brofreak- I'm sorry you had to go through that.
Sportster- I think clinginess can apply to any social relationship. I can be clingy with my friends too. I became super aware of it after high school, which I think back on now and kind of shudder remembering how I've always followed everyone around.
I'm not always aware of it until after the fact. I've tried to tell people to just be honest and let me know if I'm bothering them so I can be better, but people rarely do. I can't decide if people are being nice or if I'm getting better. At least my girlfriend tells me if something bothers her.
Sportster- I think clinginess can apply to any social relationship. I can be clingy with my friends too. I became super aware of it after high school, which I think back on now and kind of shudder remembering how I've always followed everyone around.
I'm not always aware of it until after the fact. I've tried to tell people to just be honest and let me know if I'm bothering them so I can be better, but people rarely do. I can't decide if people are being nice or if I'm getting better. At least my girlfriend tells me if something bothers her.
AspieOtaku
Leader of the otaku legion!
I used to, I used to get attached rather easily, but learned the hard way after getting into an abusive relationship so now I don't even open up or attach right away and withdraw and avoid. As a result i am rather lonely but am learning to cope with other things to keep me occupied, I do not want to be hurt again.
As sweet as-pie
Well-Known Member
I'm exactly the same. I've been very serious about my boyfriend since before we were even in a relationship, luckily he doesn't view it as "clingy" or over-attached, he appreciates my affections. I let him have his own space and don't get upset when he wants space apart but whenever he's around me I can't help but shower him with cuddles, kisses and compliments. I feel things very intensely so it's hard not to. I also find I'm very affectionate with friends and family. I would definitely say I'm a hopeless romantic
There's a whole spectrum of Asperger's, and it seems only one part of it is used as a stereotype for the whole thing.
Cali Cat
Femme Ferale
I'm weird. If I am extremely infatuated with a man, I can seem very clingy initially, but that never lasts long. As soon as I've obsessed on him for awhile, my attention turns to other interests again. Then I become annoyed at him for being too clingy. Lol ... no wonder my relationships never last.
I'm not very clingy at all. One could define my girlfriend as clingy. I don't think she is clingy, but I'm probably a bit biased.
Creepy thing happened today. I saw this person downtown at the same restaurant as me. He was with someone else- a friend, date, or his father, not sure which. The guy was a really old man. It was really weird. Like I was being followed. The ironic thing is, he is scared to be near me because he knows that if he says something, I'll be able to stand up for myself and he will cringe himself into a little shell and maybe even a meltdown in public. Even though I've blocked accounts on him, he's the type who would create more just to be able to view profile details about me and where I go. So weird. I just ignored him, but still annoying and obsessive-compulsive weird-creepy clingy.
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