Peeta
Active Member
After some consideration I’ve decided to make this post in the hope of making use of the collective experiences, insights and advices in this forum. I’m currently in a bind regarding my relationship with my boyfriend and I hope with the help of you guys to get a better understanding of him and maybe of myself. We both have Aspergers but while we certainly have a common ground, our symptoms are completely different. Perhaps with some other points of view than mine I can make some important decisions. I understand that it’s hard to give advice when you don’t really know a person, so I’ll give some background information about us as people and how we interact with each other. If you’re not interested in that, feel free to skip straight to the problem, I don’t mind. 
Me
Him
Our interactions
The problem
Me
I’m an Aspie who wants everything neat and organized. Preferably things have a fairly steady pattern with some leeway to keep things interesting. I like my stuff in their place and things to be cleaned up. This behavior goes so far that I even end up at the traffic light at the same time on my way home, without doing it on purpose. I hate conflict, I try to avoid it in any way possible. It upsets me with other people and sometimes even goes so far that I can’t watch a show because of the conflict. This results in me bending over backwards to resolve a fight, even apologizing just so the fight is over.
I have a hard time with my emotions, I usually stay on a base level but am easy to anger. I have a short fuse, but lack the courage to stand up. If someone upsets me enough I just cut them out of my life (no confrontation after all). With that I’m pretty pessimistic so I tend to think the worst of people, but do consciously try to give them multiple chances, knowing my observations are heavily biased. I’m fine with social interactions as long as people don’t annoy me. As long as it’s casual contact I have no big problems.
When I’m stressed I tend to obsess about it and become hyper. I can’t stop thinking about it till I find an answer and tend to constantly want to talk about my problem. (Hello forum!) If I get stressed enough I’ll get physical symptoms, but otherwise I think I’m healthy. I also am incapable of understanding what goes on in someone else’s head unless I’ve had similar experiences.
I have a hard time with my emotions, I usually stay on a base level but am easy to anger. I have a short fuse, but lack the courage to stand up. If someone upsets me enough I just cut them out of my life (no confrontation after all). With that I’m pretty pessimistic so I tend to think the worst of people, but do consciously try to give them multiple chances, knowing my observations are heavily biased. I’m fine with social interactions as long as people don’t annoy me. As long as it’s casual contact I have no big problems.
When I’m stressed I tend to obsess about it and become hyper. I can’t stop thinking about it till I find an answer and tend to constantly want to talk about my problem. (Hello forum!) If I get stressed enough I’ll get physical symptoms, but otherwise I think I’m healthy. I also am incapable of understanding what goes on in someone else’s head unless I’ve had similar experiences.
Him
He’s absolutely not organized at all. Stuff lies everywhere and he’ll lose his wallet, keys and phone on a regular basis. Including losing them permanently. He never cleans, doesn’t cook and thus rarely eats until he started working. When something stresses him he withdraws and shuts everything out. Like he hopes the problem will go away on his own. Especially things people do or say will haunt him for days.
He doesn’t like going outside, social events and rather sits behind his computer the entire day. Lately he does have friends though and is going outside more often because of them.
Next to Aspergers he also has ADD, SAD, insomnia, allergies and once had PTSD. He’s been in therapy to deal with the last one. Because of SAD and allergies he has physical problems all year round. His social skills are good as long as he is on friendly terms. He’s horrible at chitchat though. Also he’s insanely smart, analytical and thinks/reads at a very fast pace. Social contact drains him really fast. When he’s tired or stressed he completely shuts down and only does the bare essentials of his responsibilities. This will lead to his chores being neglected, like no clean clothes and no food in the fridge.
He doesn’t like going outside, social events and rather sits behind his computer the entire day. Lately he does have friends though and is going outside more often because of them.
Next to Aspergers he also has ADD, SAD, insomnia, allergies and once had PTSD. He’s been in therapy to deal with the last one. Because of SAD and allergies he has physical problems all year round. His social skills are good as long as he is on friendly terms. He’s horrible at chitchat though. Also he’s insanely smart, analytical and thinks/reads at a very fast pace. Social contact drains him really fast. When he’s tired or stressed he completely shuts down and only does the bare essentials of his responsibilities. This will lead to his chores being neglected, like no clean clothes and no food in the fridge.
Our interactions
Now here’s the kicker: we’re in a long distance relationship with each other. We only see each other a couple of times a year. I’ve stayed with him for a couple of months to try out living together and have been able to establish that there’s a very big difference in our interactions ‘online’ and ‘offline’.
Offline there’s the problem of him being chaotic and me being a neat freak. We’re currently still working on that. Other than that we don’t have much problems. I can get him to open up till a certain extend about his life and problems. I know I can’t fix all of them but at least I can comfort him and he seems more open to try new ideas. He’ll go outside, I’ll stay inside to game with him. I usually try to insert any problems I have regarding him into the conversation when I think it’s appropriate and try to deal with them that way. It seems to work. For some reason he’s one of the few people I don’t get short with very fast. (So much so my parents are shocked)
Online it’s completely different. It sometimes feels that when we separate I get put on a shelve in his mind and I don’t exist anymore. He’ll talk a lot less and when he’s stressed I won’t hear from him for days on end except the occasional ‘I’m stressed’ ‘this sucks’ and the like. I will hear about events days or even weeks after they happened, even the serious ones. On my part I’m horrible with describing my feelings in words, which has caused for a lot of misunderstandings.
Our current status is that we’re planning on getting married and I will leave my country to be with him.
Offline there’s the problem of him being chaotic and me being a neat freak. We’re currently still working on that. Other than that we don’t have much problems. I can get him to open up till a certain extend about his life and problems. I know I can’t fix all of them but at least I can comfort him and he seems more open to try new ideas. He’ll go outside, I’ll stay inside to game with him. I usually try to insert any problems I have regarding him into the conversation when I think it’s appropriate and try to deal with them that way. It seems to work. For some reason he’s one of the few people I don’t get short with very fast. (So much so my parents are shocked)
Online it’s completely different. It sometimes feels that when we separate I get put on a shelve in his mind and I don’t exist anymore. He’ll talk a lot less and when he’s stressed I won’t hear from him for days on end except the occasional ‘I’m stressed’ ‘this sucks’ and the like. I will hear about events days or even weeks after they happened, even the serious ones. On my part I’m horrible with describing my feelings in words, which has caused for a lot of misunderstandings.
Our current status is that we’re planning on getting married and I will leave my country to be with him.
The problem
I have known my boyfriend for 6 years. In those six years I have yet to see him relaxed and happy. He has stressed about, to the point of sickness: school, internship, work, his boss, his parents, surgery and moving. These things have been stressed over for months. He won’t be able to sleep, communication between us disappears. When one problem is solved he’ll be stressing out about something else within 2 weeks. The pessimist in me thinks he’s enjoying it.
I’m someone who keeps going even when I’m ill, so shutting down and trying to hide from my problems is foreign to me. I have no clue what is going on in his head and after six years and I’m starting to get annoyed. I know it’s not something he does on purpose, but we’re currently in a stress episode of his that has lasted 3 months and he refuses to seek help. If he has already sought help, he has yet to tell me. I don’t know how to handle this situation. I’ve tried the comforting approach, being stern with him and trying to give him space. The problem is that giving him space and waiting to talk about important matters with him doesn’t help cause these episodes last months.
To add to this situation, we’re supposed to get married and get a visa set up, but because he’s stressed he ‘can’t talk about it’. As soon as he gets home from work he needs to destress and doesn’t want to think about anything. He hasn’t even told his parents we’re getting married, which is upsetting to me. I know in these kind of episodes people can become apathetic, but for me it hurts. To me, leaving my family and country to be with him is a big sacrifice. This behavior is starting to annoy me. The pessimistic behavior and intolerance of people that I have is starting to raise its head. While I try to be considerate I want to be angry. I want to be short with him and it’s starting to leak through in how I react to him. I know this isn’t helpful, but I really want to say bad things.
While we haven’t really had him get these big of an episode during our time together I am very much aware this might happen in the future. He is always tired, always stressed and always needs to destress. I do not understand it, I don’t have the skills so I don’t know if this is something that can’t be managed with help. I know there are many factors in this, but it’s starting to overwhelm me. So right now, after 6 years of this, with currently being in the biggest episode I have yet seen, I don’t know what to think or do. Is there something I can do to help? Does anybody know what is going on in his head? Is there help for this and where can I/he/we find it? I don’t want to end up a few years from now and someone saying to me ‘well, you knew what he was like when you married him’. That would be bad for both of us.
As an added note I'd like to say that I'm aware that stress makes some Aspies incapable of being social and the like. I also know that some have the anxiety part worse than others. So while I know about some aspects of the problem, I'm wondering if there are others and if this will ever stop. If anything his is an awful way to live his life. I personally wouldn't want to be in his head and it makes me sad that he's never really happy.
I’m someone who keeps going even when I’m ill, so shutting down and trying to hide from my problems is foreign to me. I have no clue what is going on in his head and after six years and I’m starting to get annoyed. I know it’s not something he does on purpose, but we’re currently in a stress episode of his that has lasted 3 months and he refuses to seek help. If he has already sought help, he has yet to tell me. I don’t know how to handle this situation. I’ve tried the comforting approach, being stern with him and trying to give him space. The problem is that giving him space and waiting to talk about important matters with him doesn’t help cause these episodes last months.
To add to this situation, we’re supposed to get married and get a visa set up, but because he’s stressed he ‘can’t talk about it’. As soon as he gets home from work he needs to destress and doesn’t want to think about anything. He hasn’t even told his parents we’re getting married, which is upsetting to me. I know in these kind of episodes people can become apathetic, but for me it hurts. To me, leaving my family and country to be with him is a big sacrifice. This behavior is starting to annoy me. The pessimistic behavior and intolerance of people that I have is starting to raise its head. While I try to be considerate I want to be angry. I want to be short with him and it’s starting to leak through in how I react to him. I know this isn’t helpful, but I really want to say bad things.
While we haven’t really had him get these big of an episode during our time together I am very much aware this might happen in the future. He is always tired, always stressed and always needs to destress. I do not understand it, I don’t have the skills so I don’t know if this is something that can’t be managed with help. I know there are many factors in this, but it’s starting to overwhelm me. So right now, after 6 years of this, with currently being in the biggest episode I have yet seen, I don’t know what to think or do. Is there something I can do to help? Does anybody know what is going on in his head? Is there help for this and where can I/he/we find it? I don’t want to end up a few years from now and someone saying to me ‘well, you knew what he was like when you married him’. That would be bad for both of us.
As an added note I'd like to say that I'm aware that stress makes some Aspies incapable of being social and the like. I also know that some have the anxiety part worse than others. So while I know about some aspects of the problem, I'm wondering if there are others and if this will ever stop. If anything his is an awful way to live his life. I personally wouldn't want to be in his head and it makes me sad that he's never really happy.
