anxiety from embarrassment

[AutistAcolyte]

i've been apartment hunting around east los angeles for the past few months and have gotten initial responses from a few places but once it came down to sending me a lease agreement, they flaked. now i've found a place on craigslist and it seems perfect: in budget, good distance from work, i get to live alone. but my current roommate said something tonight that has me worried... i could be getting scammed. i've sent a security deposit of 1050, and i won't be signing a lease or sending any more money until i get in touch with a property manager and get in to see the place.

i'm bummed if i just lost the money, but my mother had already offered to help me financially with moving since living with my current roommate is not workable. so as bummed as i am, the money isn't the reason i'm upset.

if this is actually a scam, it will be the second time this year that i'll have been suckered out of at least a thousand dollars.

i havent told anyone about the other time because i'm pretty ashamed, it makes me feel very stupid. i wasn't even in a good financial place to be giving money away the other time, but heres the story, maybe it will help someone avoid getting scammed.

a family approached me and the man asked for some help, he said they were visiting from another country and their hotel had double booked a room, but they couldn't get a new hotel because they had lost their luggage and had no way to pay for it. i went with him to a bank and withdrew 500 (the max withdrawal i could make at an outside bank). i had enough for a couple months rent, and he said he would pay me back the next day and gave me a whatsapp number to get in touch. then he said that 500 wasnt enough for his whole family (there were about 7 people in this escalade) and he handed me some jewelry, which i tried to decline. i'm religious and was just helping him to be kind. i've been in a similar situation where i was out of the country and had nowhere to stay and someone was kind to me and let me stay with them, and i remembered how much that meant to me.

we went to my bank and i gave him $1,000 and when he asked for more i had to decline several times and tell him that if i gave him any more then i wouldn't be able to cover my own rent that month.

well, i ended up essentially paying over a thousand dollars for some fake jewelry i didn't even want in the first place.

now i'm worried its happening again.

i'm trying to identify what i'm feeling, its definitely some shade of shame. i feel kind of sick and upset that i am this gullible and in the moment it makes me want to quit my job and leave everyone and go live back at home in florida.

any advice for getting over this shame about being taken advantage of?

 

[AutistAcolyte]

side note: this is why i'm so careful with wrong number texts. i answer whatever the initial question is (by this i mean i tell them i don't know what they're talking about, they have the wrong number and i hope they have a nice day), but when they continue trying to talk i tell them politely, "i prefer not to speak with strangers" and if they text me again, i block the number. it's harder if i'm in person or if i'm the one reaching out because i'm asking about an apartment!

 

[Rodafina]

any advice for getting over this shame about being taken advantage of?

Unfortunately, your instincts for helping others will get hardened over time, but in the current world we live in, that is not necessarily a bad thing. The problem with this scam that you just shared is that it relies on the strength of kindness and caring about others. It also taps into your own personal experience of having been helped before. People may give you grief for being gullible, including yourself, but think of it as just being kind and responding to your own life experience, remembering how much help meant to you.

This is only to help with your feelings from the past, though. As you are learning, in the future, you will not be able to rely on simply caring for others and memories of kindness. Particularly when it comes to sharing money with strangers. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that kindness isn’t a great and valuable and critical thing, it’s just that in the current world we live in with such desperation and willingness to trick and steal from others and so many creative ways to do it, we must be on guard. Particularly with any sort of resources that we have to offer.

 

[Forest Cat]

I don't know how things are done where you are, but here a security deposit is supposed to be in an account that can't be touched unless both the landlord and the renter are present. So both parties have to agree and sign papers before the money can be touched by anyone. So if someone asks for a security deposit to be given directly to them, it's a scam, but it could be different where you live. I don't know. Don't feel too bad if it was a scam, it happens to lots of people, I was scammed the first time I moved away from home.

But one thing that will help you avoid a lot of problems, if strangers ask you for cash, say no. If someone wants you to give them money/borrow money because they lost their luggage or whatever reason, say no.

 

[Forest Cat]

I’m not saying that kindness isn’t a great and valuable and critical thing, it’s just that in the current world we live in with such desperation and willingness to trick and steal from others and so many creative ways to do it, we must be on guard. Particularly with any sort of resources that we have to offer.

It's true that some people are desperate and really need money but there is one thing that is important to remember; some people are just scumbags. I think that's important to remember, some people steal just because it's easy. So everyone should be careful and keep that in mind. People have stolen from me before because I was gullible and too kind and they were nothing but scumbags.

 

[Rodafina]

It's true that some people are desperate and really need money but there is one thing that is important to remember; some people are just scumbags. I think that's important to remember, some people steal just because it's easy. So everyone should be careful and keep that in mind. People have stolen from me before because I was gullible and too kind and they were nothing but scumbags.

I’m sad to say you are absolutely right. Stupid stuff.

We gotta look out for ourselves.

 

[Atrapa Almas]

You can avoid being scamed with some rules. Here comes some ideas, you can figure out your own safety rules with the help of your family trusted ones:

1) As long as you do recieve financial help you are not allowed to share that money which is not yours with others. If you want to enjoy the luxurity of helping others you must firstly not be the one in need of help. Its not fair to transfer the money you are being given to other people like it was yours.

2) Any person in need of help in the streets can be helped by direct food, spare clothes and by helping them reach the police. Never with money.

3) Any new business where you dont have experience must be done with the help of some person you trust. Like doing a call to your mom before agree to pay something. Thats to have a second oppinion on the matter.

This are just some examples of how could safety rules be. You can check with your family or trusted ones to make yours. There are ways to help others like volunteer, but you should help others on your terms.

 

[Gerald Wilgus]

Think about what you have gone through to identify those things that should have tipped you off. I hate to say it, but in today's world you need to harden yourself. Like with the security deposit, when people are asking you to do things outside of standard protocols that then leave you exposed and your money at risk, never do it. No need to feel ashamed if you learn from your errors.

 

[Luca]

It's true that some people are desperate and really need money but there is one thing that is important to remember; some people are just scumbags. I think that's important to remember, some people steal just because it's easy. So everyone should be careful and keep that in mind. People have stolen from me before because I was gullible and too kind and they were nothing but scumbags. I Iet a guy stay in my apartment for a couple of days to help him. He stole my car and two thousand dollars. That scumbag. I did find him and I got my car back but the time you have to spend on these things is wasted time and it's so annoying and you feel so stupid.

Ugh, I’m so sorry that happened to you. Yes, some people are scumbags.

I have had several toxic friends who, among other things, stole thousands of dollars from me, used me financially, overstayed their welcome in my house, stole my personal belongings (and even destroyed them), ate my food without permission and didn’t replace it, trashed my house at parties, traumatized my pets, mistreated my family, threatened me, and damaged my car.

One of the situations that made me the most angry was when I first moved to my old house, and a friend came over and couldn’t find street parking so she parked in the fire lane.
I told her multiple times not to do that because her car would get towed by the town and impounded.
She didn’t listen to me, and lo and behold, her car was towed and put in the garage.
Not only did she make me pay for an uber to get to the garage, but she made me pay hundreds of dollars to get her car back because it was “my fault.”
Her boyfriend was also very verbally abusive towards me, and was a drug dealer, and he frequently brought duffel bags of cocaine and money to my house which I absolutely did not condone, and obviously could’ve gotten me in huge trouble. All of which I have posted about on here before, which was the nail in the coffin as far as our friendship was concerned.
We are not friends anymore and she is blocked on my phone. I hope I never see her again.

I know that is a really extreme example, but we really do need to look out for ourselves, and be quick to end relationships and friendships with these types of red flags.

 

[Kayla55]

We have children beg on streets and for me it's a soft spot, but I buy food or 2l coldrink for them. At times I give away our old clothes. But it is wrong and many don't attend school. The social workers are hopeless and no one really cares.
But I am tired of it, one day saw boy we know starting to smoke and walking around distressed and last time I gave him a hug cause begging is not good for a person, but what can I do to help.

 

[Forest Cat]

A friend came over and couldn’t find street parking so she parked in the fire lane.
I told her multiple times not to do that because her car would get towed by the town and impounded. She didn’t listen to me, and lo and behold, her car was towed and put in the garage. Not only did she make me pay for an uber to get to the garage, but she made me pay hundreds of dollars to get her car back because it was “my fault.”

Wow. That's the peak of rudeness.

 

[Forest Cat]

I’m sad to say you are absolutely right. Stupid stuff.

We gotta look out for ourselves.

There are so many tricks and rotten people out there, some time ago I was sitting in a car outside an airport, waiting for someone. Then a guy opens my passenger door, well-dressed and seemed normal, he smiles and politely says hello and begins to explain that he needs a little help. He was supposed to get on a plane soon but he happened to have some jackets he would have to pay extra for to bring along as luggage. And he didn't want to do that, so he was wondering if I would be interested in buying some fine new Italian leather jackets... in a parking lot outside an airport. Because that's normal, I always buy my fine Italian leather jackets from strangers in parking lots. He would give me a great deal, he said. He was a smooth talker.

I was familiar with the scam and quickly got rid of him. The jackets he had was cheap crap and he would have wildly overcharged me for it, it's a well-known scam. People are so full of it sometimes, so cunning and ready to steal from anyone.

 

[Luca]

Wow. That's the peak of rudeness.

Yeah, it’s almost like I told her not to park her car in the fire lane or something… lol
It was 100% her fault!

 

[Rodafina]

I was familiar with the scam

So he wasn’t the only one to try this??

That’s nuts!

 

[Rodafina]

Ugh, I’m so sorry that happened to you. Yes, some people are scumbags.

I have had several toxic friends who, among other things, stole thousands of dollars from me, used me financially, overstayed their welcome in my house, stole my personal belongings (and even destroyed them), ate my food without permission and didn’t replace it, trashed my house at parties, traumatized my pets, mistreated my family, threatened me, and damaged my car.

One of the situations that made me the most angry was when I first moved to my old house, and a friend came over and couldn’t find street parking so she parked in the fire lane.
I told her multiple times not to do that because her car would get towed by the town and impounded.
She didn’t listen to me, and lo and behold, her car was towed and put in the garage.
Not only did she make me pay for an uber to get to the garage, but she made me pay hundreds of dollars to get her car back because it was “my fault.”
Her boyfriend was also very verbally abusive towards me, and was a drug dealer, and he frequently brought duffel bags of cocaine and money to my house which I absolutely did not condone, and obviously could’ve gotten me in huge trouble. All of which I have posted about on here before, which was the nail in the coffin as far as our friendship was concerned.
We are not friends anymore and she is blocked on my phone. I hope I never see her again.

I know that is a really extreme example, but we really do need to look out for ourselves, and be quick to end relationships and friendships with these types of red flags.

AWFUL PEOPLE!!

 

[Forest Cat]

So he wasn’t the only one to try this??

That’s nuts!

No it was a well-known scam at the time, a pretty simple one, pretending you need to get rid of something because you don't want to pay the extra luggage fee at an airport. Or you don't have money to pay the fee. And you're in a hurry because your plane leaves soon. So people think they can get a good deal. And at airports there is a constant stream of people, so you have lots of potential victims. You just need that one gullible person for it to work.

 

[Judge]

What continues to trigger my PTSD involving my OCD is that many years ago someone stole my car. Which compromised me financially at a time when I had multiple unfortunate events happening which compounded it all.

To this day when I cannot see my car parked in a congested lot, I momentarily panic when I can't find my car.

In essence, in my own case I never got over such an unfortunate and unnecessary occurrence. Not even cognitive behavioral therapy allowed me to overcome such anxiety. I hope the OP can somehow overcome what I could not.

But having such anxiety is totally understandable.

 

[AutistAcolyte]

i forwarded my mom the lease to take a look at and she said it might not be a scam and could just be an unprofessional landlord. she tried to reassure me not to get too worried, and to give them a few hours and reach out again.
in the meantime, she'll take a look and see if she can figure out anything helpful.
i went ahead and put a fraud alert out since i had to put my ssn on the application, so hopefully that will catch anything weird if it does turn out to be a scam.
i'm glad to have my mom to talk to.

 

[Judge]

i forwarded my mom the lease to take a look at and she said it might not be a scam and could just be an unprofessional landlord. she tried to reassure me not to get too worried, and to give them a few hours and reach out again.
in the meantime, she'll take a look and see if she can figure out anything helpful.
i went ahead and put a fraud alert out since i had to put my ssn on the application, so hopefully that will catch anything weird if it does turn out to be a scam.
i'm glad to have my mom to talk to.

These days it pays to scrutinize much of anything associated with craigslist.

 

[Forest Cat]

i've been apartment hunting around east los angeles for the past few months and have gotten initial responses from a few places but once it came down to sending me a lease agreement, they flaked. now i've found a place on craigslist and it seems perfect: in budget, good distance from work, i get to live alone. but my current roommate said something tonight that has me worried... i could be getting scammed. i've sent a security deposit of 1050, and i won't be signing a lease or sending any more money until i get in touch with a property manager and get in to see the place.

i'm bummed if i just lost the money, but my mother had already offered to help me financially with moving since living with my current roommate is not workable. so as bummed as i am, the money isn't the reason i'm upset.

if this is actually a scam, it will be the second time this year that i'll have been suckered out of at least a thousand dollars.

Have you found out anything about this, have you tried to get in touch with a property manager?