Still single

[Markness]

This is something I’ve had to deal with since I was 17 (I am 32 now) and my depression was in its embryonic stage. I go through a year and I am still nowhere close to finding love despite desiring it so much. Even with COVID going on, I still tried to reach out socially through dating sites and the places that I go to in hopes of meeting like-minded people since people still socialize even in this pandemic but I don’t achieve any head way no matter how hard I try at being social. It’s like finding a relationship comes so easy to others while it’s a struggle just to even look into the doorway so to say. I get glimpses of what looks like hope but it will become like a vapor and disappear when I get close to it.

I was tempted to go down to the sports bar a while ago because it feels like the only way to meet a woman is to go to where alcohol and smoking is going on even though I don’t do either. I suppose I could force myself to like alcohol and maybe a woman would show interest in me? The thing is that I have tried bars before and they were unproductive endeavors. People, especially women, already had company with them and weren’t interested in talking to me so I am discouraged from trying again despite wanting to break out of the vicious cycle of loneliness I constantly go through.

I don’t know what to do with myself. Others tell me my constant fixation on wanting a girlfriend isn’t helping me and I need to change my focus because that will apparently increase my chances but I don’t understand how it would. If I am not looking for a relationship, how will I ever establish one? I also get reminders of my single hood since couples are practically wherever I go and it reinforces my feelings of loneliness.

 

[Fino]

In my experience and from what I've heard, you live a fulfilling, active life and you'll just encounter someone along the way. I've regularly encountered someone interested since I was fifteen, about once a year, lately every other year, but I have never sought out a relationship just for the sake of a relationship.

 

[Markness]

In my experience and from what I've heard, you live a fulfilling, active life and you'll just encounter someone along the way. I've regularly encountered someone interested since I was fifteen, about once a year, lately every other year, but I have never sought out a relationship just for the sake of a relationship.

I wouldn’t say I want a relationship for the sake of it. I want someone special in my life to share experiences with.

 

[aspieoutlaw89]

This is something I’ve had to deal with since I was 17 (I am 32 now) and my depression was in its embryonic stage. I go through a year and I am still nowhere close to finding love despite desiring it so much. Even with COVID going on, I still tried to reach out socially through dating sites and the places that I go to in hopes of meeting like-minded people since people still socialize even in this pandemic but I don’t achieve any head way no matter how hard I try at being social. It’s like finding a relationship comes so easy to others while it’s a struggle just to even look into the doorway so to say. I get glimpses of what looks like hope but it will become like a vapor and disappear when I get close to it.

I was tempted to go down to the sports bar a while ago because it feels like the only way to meet a woman is to go to where alcohol and smoking is going on even though I don’t do either. I suppose I could force myself to like alcohol and maybe a woman would show interest in me? The thing is that I have tried bars before and they were unproductive endeavors. People, especially women, already had company with them and weren’t interested in talking to me so I am discouraged from trying again despite wanting to break out of the vicious cycle of loneliness I constantly go through.

I don’t know what to do with myself. Others tell me my constant fixation on wanting a girlfriend isn’t helping me and I need to change my focus because that will apparently increase my chances but I don’t understand how it would. If I am not looking for a relationship, how will I ever establish one? I also get reminders of my single hood since couples are practically wherever I go and it reinforces my feelings of loneliness.

from one aspie to another,I feel your pain,because i too am single.my advice to you is that you meet a female aspie who has the same social struggles as you.me,i'm balancing being found a girlfriend (i would rather do that than find a girlfriend) & giant stuffed animals (Bear,Gorilla,Leopard (Black) & Tiger) as an alternative to finding a girlfriend.

 

[Markness]

My therapist thinks I need to put finding a relationship on the “back burner” and turn my focus to other things. I have been taking up drawing again but is it really what I should be doing? What if I miss out on a potential relationship while I am at home or will honing a talent make me more attractive?

 

[Fino]

I think her point is to be less fixated on this one thing and to enjoy your life.

 

[Gracey]

While you're focused with tunnel like vision on finding a potential Mrs Markness,
you're ignoring everything else connected with finding 'balance'.

You think spending time practising drawing skills makes you unavailable for relationships and chance meetings,

how do you know someone special wont join the same drawing forum or group as you, in six months time?

Have you ever taken your sketch pad out with you, sat on a park bench and lost yourself in the moment?
Sketching what you see before you?


Do you really want to attract a drunken smoker to share your life if you, yourself don't indulge in those habits?
Stay true to yourself.

Find and develop your interests and hobbies.
Learn to love the worthwhile individual you are.
Find your balance without Mrs Markness first.

If someone said to you,
Okay, there's a special someone out there who will mean a great deal to you,
BUT
fate has decided you don't get to meet them until 2022. - there's no way around this. No loopholes, no clauses to manipulate.

How will you fill your time while you're waiting?

 

[artful_aspie]

Be glad! Be happy! Do not be fooled into believing another person is needed to make you whole & content. It is a myth, if you cannot live with yourself & a cat or dog, then what is another human going to add? The road to misery awaits, the way to Mordor is littered with sharp rocks & bones of dead things. Cultivate being alone, it will reward you with deep riches & much envy from people whose lives have been ruined by significant others.

 

[paloftoon]

My therapist thinks I need to put finding a relationship on the “back burner” and turn my focus to other things. I have been taking up drawing again but is it really what I should be doing? What if I miss out on a potential relationship while I am at home or will honing a talent make me more attractive?

There's a "trick" behind this recommendation. You aren't missing anything at all. By taking up a hobby, you might be able to express your hobby to other people you bump into. If you have reasons to show your hobby in a context that allows you to (at a convention post-pandemic, or an online variation or website where maybe you can meet people in that manner), it gives you "a tool" to try to meet people. Meeting people could lead you to more friends or even to build a significant other

I think doing some drawing again is good. I'd also pick one goal that focuses on improving your physicality, independence, or eligibility to get a job/better job as well if you can. This could help.

 

[Markness]

There's a "trick" behind this recommendation. You aren't missing anything at all. By taking up a hobby, you might be able to express your hobby to other people you bump into. If you have reasons to show your hobby in a context that allows you to (at a convention post-pandemic, or an online variation or website where maybe you can meet people in that manner), it gives you "a tool" to try to meet people. Meeting people could lead you to more friends or even to build a significant other

I think doing some drawing again is good. I'd also pick one goal that focuses on improving your physicality, independence, or eligibility to get a job/better job as well if you can. This could help.

My mind has lately been telling me I should either go to a bar and buy a woman a drink or just cold approach any woman who I find attractive. Is that desperation, trying to imitate what looks like men in the culture I live in normally do, or a combination of those things?

I once asked a cashier out for coffee after seeing her a couple times and we had a mutual interest in manga. She declined by telling me she was “too busy” and that was obviously disappointing to me because I thought having the common interest would be enough to “spark” something between us. I was also just tired of wondering whether or not a woman would say “Yes!” or “No!” to me because it would (and still does) make me anxious as well as worried an opportunity had come but I was scared of the rejection.

If I focus on the drawing and I see an attractive woman, what should I do?

 

[artful_aspie]

I think many people are saying the same thing. Get busy with your hobbies, drawing is great! I make money from it as a profession. The gods of Xmas are not being kind to anyone this year, so do stuff! Clean that living space, paint/draw up a storm, adopt a stray animal, make rum balls, hang tinsel, & I hope you are keeping a journal. The best thing anyone can do if the world is bothering them is to start & maintain a journal with daily writing (by hand), drawings, & glued collages of stuff collected. Then, when this poor old world is a little more settled, you may meet someone. There is only several billion to choose from! Give yourself some work to do; people are attracted to the busy. Want something done? Ask a busy person.

 

[Streetwise]

Is your anxiety unbearable if you have an outlet it really helps with the I'm not letting reproduction rule my life,I'm appreciating not being a prisoner to reproduction,perimenopause and physical illness make it a lot easier.

 

[paloftoon]

My mind has lately been telling me I should either go to a bar and buy a woman a drink or just cold approach any woman who I find attractive. Is that desperation, trying to imitate what looks like men in the culture I live in normally do, or a combination of those things?

I once asked a cashier out for coffee after seeing her a couple times and we had a mutual interest in manga. She declined by telling me she was “too busy” and that was obviously disappointing to me because I thought having the common interest would be enough to “spark” something between us. I was also just tired of wondering whether or not a woman would say “Yes!” or “No!” to me because it would (and still does) make me anxious as well as worried an opportunity had come but I was scared of the rejection.

If I focus on the drawing and I see an attractive woman, what should I do?

It is desperation to resort to buying a woman a drink in the hopes that her drunkness will make her (temporary) fall for you. It doesn't seem like you are really going for this effect. If you are, then maybe you are into hookups or open relationships. If you don't mind risk spending the money and are into these kind of things, then that is a choice you can make. The women don't have to accept your drinks or advances, but they could. . .

What you did with the cashier was fine. Maybe she didn't like your physical appearance, but people generally don't say that directly because generally the other side will not take that well even if the person saying that is trying to be nice about it. If she was interested, she would've tried to iron out another time to work out with you.

People generally look for a combination of things- many of them superficial. So, a common interest helps a lot- but it isn't "everything" for most people.

I think your best bet is try to get to know a woman you are attracted to. See if she will communicate with you and try to learn about or like things that she is interested in. If you can, connect some of her interests with your likes. You can also share some of your interests. Try not to overwhelm her and be open to listen to her as well. Try to let things be as natural as possible and not forced. It's not easy.

If you've talked with a woman you are attracted to several times, then you can tell her you're interested in her and see how she responds.

 

[artful_aspie]

Maybe you are believing the rubbish we get as entertainment on TV, whatever where people fall in love at first sight or have constant affairs as a given. Meeting people for neurodiverse people is a tough business. However it is much the same for decent types who are neurotypicals. I know some very good fellows who will never meet a partner. You know there is about 100 million Chinese men who will never marry or meet a woman due to the defunct one-child policy which pushed couples to abort women in favour of males. Meeting anyone requires planning & work. A lot of younger people are not doing relationships anymore.

 

[paloftoon]

Maybe you are believing the rubbish we get as entertainment on TV, whatever where people fall in love at first sight or have constant affairs as a given. Meeting people for neurodiverse people is a tough business. However it is much the same for decent types who are neurotypicals. I know some very good fellows who will never meet a partner. You know there is about 100 million Chinese men who will never marry or meet a woman due to the defunct one-child policy which pushed couples to abort women in favour of males. Meeting anyone requires planning & work. A lot of younger people are not doing relationships anymore.

I saw the Chinese men situation mentioned in a 60 Minutes episode.

China needs to promote homosexuality

 

[artful_aspie]

China needs to promote homosexuality

NO! Not because there is a problem with being Queer. China needs to STOP being a bullying society full of compliant people led by a corrupt evil one-party state reigned over by a mock emperor who will lie to achieve world power. China is a threat to any future on this planet both externally as an authoritarian communist state & internally as an oppressive cruel regime. There will eventually be war with them on a global scale.

 

[MLE]

I'm no expert... I'm 42 and still single... In my 20s, I thought it was my mission in life to be in a relationship. I was in and out of relationships thinking "the next one will be the one"... Yeah, that never happened... What I've learned to do (this is just me), is to just focus on me... Focus on my relationship with myself... So, whether or not I find "the one" to spend the rest of my life with, it doesn't really matter... Although, it would be nice...

 

[artful_aspie]

Learn to live well with yourself; it will attract others. In the past, I do not do it now due to health problems, I was involved with various groups where I gave good service. I met a lot of people, none of whom are around today. Nothing lasts forever, nor should it. Touch life lightly & observe & rich rewards will come in your singleness. Aloneless, not loneliness is a place of cultivated wonder.

 

[Deepthought]

One thing that can be but is not necessarily always a complete turn off for females is a nervous desperate wreck, except perhaps for those who have had really off putting experiences with super confident overbearing types ~ and are really nervous and anxious themselves.

Consider for instance those who have come out long term or series of short term relationships ~ and desperately need some maturity or very least some mind, body and spirit devotion.

In order perhaps to start getting past the nervous desperation side of things, have you considered perhaps giving Chat-Bot Dating ago? As you can get used to chatting with one or more Artificial Intelligences ~ some of which can quite literally train you in chatting up perspective partners, so that you can learn from mistakes (with an AI) without the usual embarrassment or fear of getting a bad reputation socially (with people).

Dating Bots are programmed for each stage of dating or relationships etc, with different characteristics, so you can find your type or experiment and all that.

I did some work helping to design an AI system back in the mid to late nineties, and someone suggested a few years back that I have a look at the state of things these days. I mean back in the day we were giving a developmental AI philosophical questions to consider about self identity and the programmers were updating it as we went along, whereas when I started doing the same with one of the modern affairs ~ it would refer back to it's programmer rather than just plain crashing, and it did rather well with self identification criteria ~ plus it was programmed with some very good jokes.

Maybe learning to exchange compliments, share interests and so forth with an AI could help build your confidence for actual dates and relationships, such as people go the gym to keep or get fit for real life perhaps?/.

There are also dating and married life computer games, if that and or the aforementioned may be of any interest to you possibly?/.

 

[Markness]

I have to go to bed and I am really trying to be more positive but I really hope in the coming year I can post about finding love after ten years of not finding it.