And They Communicate.

[HelloDizzy]

I began college for the second time yesterday, this time, not in Louisiana, but in New York, with a huge campus.
A Psychology major with a minor in Philosophy, taking 14 credits.
I almost didn't go to my first day.

I'm horrible with directions even with a map but I found my classes. I have to go three days a week but this isn't about that.

What I notice, as I'm feeling rather surreal, is what I already knew but haven't seen in so long. I have not been in the public eye for several years, really. But what I know to be true in my small interactions has proven to be something of a puzzle when I see it in a big place, tons of people around my age.
Sitting on windowsills in the hallway, talking to other people I assume "friends," whatever that may be, drinking coffee they must have had to go through some frazzling social interaction at the cafe' on campus to acquire. People standing outside, talking, waving at other people they know.
I listen to some of their words in passing. It sounds like gibberish even as I know the words. When they string them together, into their conversations, however, they become mutilated and menial. How do they do it? Why do they want to do it?

Better question: Why can I not do it?

Friendships, how do they happen. I'm not asking because it doesn't apply to me. It's a statement. How, do they happen. How they DO happen.
Conversations, how do they start. Also not a question, but a statement. How they do start.

Pondering. Why am I on the outside, and why can I not understand their interactions with each other, and why does it confuse me even though I do not desire to do what it is they do?

Dizzy

 

[WildCat]

I'm kinda in the same boat as you, except my question is - what makes them tick?

Not that I'm trying to mold myself into something I know I'll never fully be due to genetic limitations but, y'know, what is it that binds ordinary people together?

 

[2010Dolby]

This is my fourth quarter of college and I know what you mean. To me, it seems like no one is shy on campus. Strangers and random people becoming friends instantly over trivial things. I'm going to a construction and farm college so it's much smaller but that just means it's easier to observe how everyone else pisses me off with their ease of spontaneous convsersation.

How do friendships happen? I dont know about neurotypicals, but for me I have few true true true friends and I consider them to be that because we've been bonded by some experience or have a similiar trait at some level. My other "Friends"? They're just time-killers for when I have nothing better to do and they're going hunting/drinking/fishing/racing. The last example is probably what you're seeing. I promise virtually all of those on campus friendships will die after they graduate or transfer or drop out.

So... how do they happen? I geuss a very poor way of answering that is that neurotypicals are amazing at forming meaningless, vain, pointless and quick friendships. (I've been awake since 4 am so that probably doesnt make sense. Im trying! :lol

How do conversations start? I've noticed that between two strangers in class they start based on current events. Weather (classic small-talk haha), the Super Bowl, homework assignments, the party last night. Someone in the potential conversation is going to have to make a first attempt to talk. Thats the easy part. The second step is the other person finding something interesting and cool to respond with in a few seconds, thats the part that a lot of Aspies (including me) have trouble with when talking to a stranger. I've made a few semi-friends actually in the classroom this quarter. My trick? I talk trash to the other kids around us haha the guy to my left in Microeconomics can't help but join in. Nebraska hospitality xD

Im going to apologize ahead of time, Dizzy, because Im sure I didnt answer the questions/statements right. I got confused easily, like always, and Im sleep deprived. But good luck in class next time!

 

[Flinty]

To me, it seems like no one is shy on campus. Strangers and random people becoming friends instantly over trivial things.
(...)
I promise virtually all of those on campus friendships will die after they graduate or transfer or drop out.
(...)
So... how do they happen? I geuss a very poor way of answering that is that neurotypicals are amazing at forming meaningless, vain, pointless and quick friendships. (I've been awake since 4 am so that probably doesnt make sense. Im trying! :lol

For starters, this is all Quoted For Truth. It makes perfect sense; don't sell yourself short.

Those who become friends over trivial things often lose their friendships over trivial things. The cause is generally one person wanting to go much deeper than the other.

 

[NeverEnder]

I began college for the second time yesterday, this time, not in Louisiana, but in New York, with a huge campus.
A Psychology major with a minor in Philosophy, taking 14 credits.
I almost didn't go to my first day.

I'm horrible with directions even with a map but I found my classes. I have to go three days a week but this isn't about that.

What I notice, as I'm feeling rather surreal, is what I already knew but haven't seen in so long. I have not been in the public eye for several years, really. But what I know to be true in my small interactions has proven to be something of a puzzle when I see it in a big place, tons of people around my age.
Sitting on windowsills in the hallway, talking to other people I assume "friends," whatever that may be, drinking coffee they must have had to go through some frazzling social interaction at the cafe' on campus to acquire. People standing outside, talking, waving at other people they know.
I listen to some of their words in passing. It sounds like gibberish even as I know the words. When they string them together, into their conversations, however, they become mutilated and menial. How do they do it? Why do they want to do it?

Better question: Why can I not do it?

Friendships, how do they happen. I'm not asking because it doesn't apply to me. It's a statement. How, do they happen. How they DO happen.
Conversations, how do they start. Also not a question, but a statement. How they do start.

Pondering. Why am I on the outside, and why can I not understand their interactions with each other, and why does it confuse me even though I do not desire to do what it is they do?

Dizzy

I cannot do it, either.

Why can they do it?

NT types are programmed from childhood to follow-the-leader and fall in line. This entails following the Party order and not making waves.

Thus, we have a world full of people that are wrapped up tightly in how they are perceived by others and how to climb up the theoretical ladder.

They look to one-another for approval. This is very important to their self-image. Much of this is subconscious and they are often not aware of their own feelings or actions.

Our world is overrun by those who seek to please, not for the honest sake of helping someone, but for fulfillment of pride and the keeping of the hierarchy.

Never strive to be like them.

 

[Roxy]

Hi, I just wanted to tag on the end and say it confuses me too :S I've spend all my life wondering how the heck it's done. Then a few months ago I was diagnosed with AS, worked out that's why I don't get it, then realised I don't want it anyway I don't see the point in small talk and I don't want to engage in it which is fine. I've more or less managed to work out who my friends are (even though I'm still struggling to work out the whole 'friends' thing and why people want to be my friend) and who are the people I just know.

You asked why you can't do it Dizzy, maybe it's because you just don't need to?

 

[NeverEnder]

Perhaps this song/lyrics will explain it a bit more...

 

[HelloDizzy]

Thanks, everyone.
I don't know how or why they can stand small talk but it's just programmed into them it appears.

Unless someone wants to hear me explain personality typology or serial killers or schizophrenia or suicidology, and likewise give me feedback, talking to me isn't going to be casual.
I don't want to be like them.

It was hard enough yesterday when I fainted in the school bookstore and had to make conversation with the medics, and they thought my short answers to questions were a sign of a concussion. I was like "No, I'm just an introvert! I'm an INTJ, look it up!"

 

[Caspar]

You know, I have the same question as you. Friendships... I never understood them. I would magically befriend people. Sometimes, I would lose touch with people because of distance or when I get bored of them. It seems to me that the trick is finding the right place to meet people and to meet the right types who you can connect with.

This is my fourth quarter of college and I know what you mean. To me, it seems like no one is shy on campus. Strangers and random people becoming friends instantly over trivial things. I'm going to a construction and farm college so it's much smaller but that just means it's easier to observe how everyone else pisses me off with their ease of spontaneous convsersation.

It seems that no one is shy because all the shy people are locked up in their rooms... Like most people, I met most of my friends in college outside of class. I notice that when I start conversations with people, we either click or not. The ones that do become friends...at least for a while before I become bored of them. It seems that the nerdier types are easier to befriend but that could be just me. Recently I haven't had any luck though and am quite bored with people and lonely at the moment. So I really shouldn't be giving advice...

 

[Gomendosi]

Been reading along and thought I would air out my mental cupboards ; ]

A long time ago (in a galaxy far, far away LOL), I just decided that I had had enough of being a hermit and if I ever wanted to get anywhere in life I would have to be one of the masses and swarm or school just like them and so I just decided that I would simply talk to everybody, all the time. I have struck up conversations with drunken guys about to be flogged by a bouncer; I have talked to girls about to cut their wrists, to someone while they‘re having sex with someone else who wasn’t me and to hundreds of various cashiers and attendants of all types.

The one thing they all have in common I find, is that they all invariably want to talk about themselves.
My philosophy therefore is to open the conversation with something innocuous and non-inviting IE; they can answer or... not. That’s really all I have to do! I have broken the ice and now the ball is in their court, from here on out I can just come up with an answer to what they say or ask questions leading off from what they say, and just so long as I don’t break that pattern they will start talking about themselves and then I can find out what they like and if it’s the same as me I can have a brilliant conversation form from there otherwise, if they are interested in crap, I can just end the convo and wander off.

A conversation that isn’t with someone who interests me is simply an indulgence, if I am using it to train myself to overcome my crippling self doubt and shyness or I am using it to study how these creatures interact and behave so I can mimic that, or even if I use it to alleviate my boredom. The fact remains that I am using the conversation to my own ends and that is where the problem lies for me, you see I actually still don’t know the mechanics of the situation either, I have simply been trying to adapt and while I may have become a success at appearing to be social, I still don’t get it either. Someone once said to me that I was great to talk to cause I ‘really’ listen, but that concentration is from me trying not to run screaming from the room full tilt, I truly don’t WANT to be sociable, I HAVE to be cause I don’t want to be alone! (yes I did just quote the BeeGees)
I can talk to someone till either I am blue in the face or they die of boredom but, five minutes later ask me what that convo was about and I draw a blank.
This is one of the reasons I think I am still single, I just wanna go up and say “hello, I fancy you quite a bit and if you want to, we can go out”.

They do it as a means to an end the same as the rest of us; the only difference is they do it more often and for reasons that escape us. They can do it purely for something to do instead of doing something else, it serves no function or purpose at these times and so we just don’t get it. We are logical and forthright and they are scattered and convoluted in their processes and the more we try to be like them the more we end up being like ourselves because it will never compute for us.

I have literally had conversations where I was looking all around for something to distract me and finding nothing I just tuned out, they would be like; “so whattaya reckon”, and I go ”yep”

 

[HelloDizzy]

People do tend to want to talk about themselves. If you just ask them one question about their job or their hobby they'll keep talking for hours. I prefer to talk about concepts and ideas and things until I'm actually comfortable (this can take a very very very long time) and then I might mention something about myself.

In real life, anyway.

Maybe this is why deal with males much easier - they'll talk without getting so emotionally involved or crying about something.

 

[NeverEnder]

People do tend to want to talk about themselves. If you just ask them one question about their job or their hobby they'll keep talking for hours. I prefer to talk about concepts and ideas and things until I'm actually comfortable (this can take a very very very long time) and then I might mention something about myself.

In real life, anyway.

Maybe this is why deal with males much easier - they'll talk without getting so emotionally involved or crying about something.

I get emotionally involved. I've been told I have a "Female mind".

 

[HelloDizzy]

Have you taken the Meyers Briggs test? This could explain the "feminine mind" bit. I've been told I have a "masculine mind" although I actually can get emotionally involved, but simply have a poker-face. A good one.

 

[NeverEnder]

Have you taken the Meyers Briggs test? This could explain the "feminine mind" bit. I've been told I have a "masculine mind" although I actually can get emotionally involved, but simply have a poker-face. A good one.

No, I have not taken that test.

I am not super-masculine. Sure, I like guns, am obsessed with military hardware/tactics, etc, but I am far from being your average male. I dislike most things the average man likes or partakes in. I am very sensitive and poetic-minded. I am a big talker with the right person.

I do not cry (and actually am quite bothered by crying people) but I am emotional. I have meltdowns and can be childish at times.

I have a "feminine" outlook it seems.

 

[HelloDizzy]

I have meltdowns...I think. It's either paralysis/I go mute or I hurt myself.

Likewise, I do my hair/wear makeup/dress feminine but I'm not what typical females are. I feel rather androgynous inside, actually.
I can not stand cackling laughing females all over the place.
I also can't stand dudes talking about how tough they are.

I just hate everyone apparently lol

 

[pretty girls make graves]

I too don't get how friendship really work. About the chit-chat - people usually think they ought to be saying something at every given moment, while I feel the need to comment only when I actually have something to say. Which is not fun, but their gossiping doesn't really amuse me. I like my conversations to be exchange of various curious information, more than anything. I hate it when I see that I sometimes try to go imitate the pattern of commenting other people who I'm not really interested in, their lives, their relationships and la la la.
I will never understand people who expect me to comment on their sexual lives and tell me stories.

The problem is, when I do that, some people seem to like me (although I'm being a fake), then I end up feeling even more uncomfortable at people liking me for something that I'm not and then end up avoiding them so that I don't have to try to keep up the illusion. Because, as sad as it sounds - I know they wouldn't like me if I acted my normal self.

When I don't socialize - I'm miserable and lonely. But when I do, I still feel lonely and am always struck by the fact of how different we actually are. Which makes me miserable.
And is frequently a good enough reason to stay in my room and not want to go out. And back at the start.

The bottom line - when I socialize - it's a conscious effort (I don't know how it is for the others), I have to think about it, doubt, make myself do it. But the result keeps me unsatisfied more often than not. It's mostly unworthy of the effort I put in. Because the clearest emotion I get from trying to hang out with people is awkwardness. I don't feel as much in terms of joy as I do in terms of negative emotion at seeing just how different we are. So why try and feel unfulfilled? I think that's the main reason why I rather spend my time alone. I am lonely, and I want someone to care about and someone to care about me, but it seems so hopeless.

The fact that I felt like I was some sort of a middle sex didn't help me. I never felt truly like a girl, I don't understand their interests, their desires, things they talk about. But I was brought up to be a girl and girls always navigate towards socialization with other girls, so I always felt rejected, not really incorporated into their world, but at the same time, growing up, I felt like I was far away from the boys' world too. So I pretty much ended up socializing with neither.

 

[epath13]

So, I thought lots of people are writing on this thread, what the hell, I'll write something as well....

I kept repeating to myself "I don't get it, I don't get it, I don't get it" for about 30 years I believe... Now it's finally becomes a little more clear...or is it clearer? anyway apparently I personally can only enjoy conversations and "friendships" they resolve into when I have plenty of chances to talk about stuff I want to talk about, the rest is optional and adjustable.. 1st I questioned myself why people keep talking about such trivial stuff, then I wondered how do they start talking to each other, then - how do they continue talking to each other, then - why do they become and remain friends. Well, lots of questions with no useful answers. So in college after failing my 1st "friendship" with a pretty nice lady because of my inability to give her emotional support of any kind I decided to just drop it and have fun without having friends. I had a few people (not from college) that were my designated friends and that's it. So what I was doing: just came up to a group that I found interesting, said "hi" and then said something silly, didn't matter if people laughed or not, as long as I was having fun. Usually they did, not sure if it was an automatic reaction or proper laugh though so that kind of attitude helped me to survive through college, I needed it primarily so the studying itself was more tolerable, social benefits was an extra. I still had hard time understanding certain things though, if I knew then what I know now I would have way more fun My son seems to be very similar person, so I'm trying to get him to have fun with awkward situations and misunderstanding (I wish somebody told me that when I was a kid) rather than get obsessed with negativity. But I know, every person finds his/ her own way around the troubles.

that's it, I guess

 

[NlGHTgirl]

beautiful, kind Dizzy, I am older! In my past experience, This is what happened. I acquired friends through work, school, family, family -friend's room mates. So, it was basically required that these people talk to me. Some of them (mutually?) wished to Continue communicating with me. (beyond whatever project we were working together)..... I guess....... Sorry if this does not help you? I understand. also, not interested in small talk!!!! (at required family school party, this woman is talking to me...... and, distracted "hey, look! hats!" I exclaim, really happy, hand made, art, how cool! -maybe it is her art?- oh, wait, that woman is still trying to talk to me...... AHEM.... makes eye contact again. "your kid is super awesome, nice, always." compliment her kids! Yuppers! THATs good conversation! People love to talk about the own self, and better yet, the kids!) KIDS are awesome! fun!
small talk, ugh. parties, blah. blah blah. However, the weather is very interesting, if you happen to need to go out for walks or events in the weather. It would directly affect everyone's plans. I think, you will find someone who shares your interests! My one friend-s is funny, we are so much different!

 

[NlGHTgirl]

Been reading along and thought I would air out my mental cupboards ; ]


I have literally had conversations where I was looking all around for something to distract me and finding nothing I just tuned out, they would be like; “so whattaya reckon”, and I go ”yep”

Yup!!!!!!!!!! : ) Agree! with the yep.....


Ummmmmmmmmm... I have NO idea why this threat is from 2012!!!!! I'm so sorry! It was on top ? I don't know how to navigate here! I'm New! I'm sorry!