An Awkward Introduction

[Trothan]

Hello,
I have recently been feeling depressed, and I decided to make an account on this forum to find someone I can relate to. I then discovered that I made an account on this site two years ago and I never posted anything. I guess I'm finally ready to open up now.

My name is Trenton, and I was diagnosed with autism at a young age. Mom can't find the diagnosis anymore, and I am struggling to get a new diagnosis. I am afraid to identify with autism because it undermines my sense of free will and autonomy.

I have been suffering very deeply for my entire life and I am unable to stop it. My life and relationships feel hollow. I have a lot of suicidal thoughts which I don't act on. This is accompanied by issues like sleep disturbance, anxiety, depression, and OCD. Sometimes suicide is comforting to me because of the possibility that my suffering will end, while giving me a sense of being in control of my life. However, I am not in control of the suicidal thoughts I have.
I have never been happy with my life.

On the surface you might think I was miserable because of my dysfunctional family. Dad was a drug dealer fled the state to avoid paying child support and mom was a drug addict who refused to evict my abusive step father. Ultimately, these family conflicts were resolved, but my life still feels empty, hollow, and depressing.

All my life I have been fighting with this constant deep suffering which I could not resolve. I have read into things like philosophy, spirituality, politics, psychology, emotional mastery, and other things. I tried integrating various teachings. Although there is value in these teachings and it could uplift humanity, I always feel like it isn't enough. I cried over some horrible trauma while using techniques in emotional mastery, but it still wasn't enough. I still feel hollow and depressed.

in my tendency to be hyper intellectual, I have been masking deep emotional issues. No amount of mind activity will solve this deep suffering that I can't stop. I am starting to cry as I type this message.

 

[tree]

 

[Forest Cat]

Hello

 

[MildredHubble]

Hey @Trothan, a belated welcome to the forum! I'm glad you made a post It really sounds like you are going through some stuff right now? That's ok, we are all here to talk, and people are very supportive here!

I'm sorry it seems that your diagnosis has gone missing. I'm sure though that with a little detective work, it will be possible to track it down.

I had a similar situation with my Bipolar diagnosis, it was made over a decade ago. For some reason (probably due to incompetence or laziness on the doctor's part) it was claimed that I had never received a diagnosis. So I can understand how distressing it can be when you need to prove a diagnosis has been made. At the very least, even if you are reassessed, it will be strong evidence.

If you can work out who carried out your initial diagnosis, it may be possible it's been scanned into a system somewhere and your evidence isn't so far away!

I have also tried to self educate myself on skills and knowledge that can help deal with depression and suicidal thoughts. I'm also very sure there are others on this forum that can relate to doing so too.

I have thrown myself into learning about a lot of things to at least some extent, simply to keep my mind occupied and less likely to dwell on negative thoughts. But, it is exhausting. After a while we don't have the energy to focus, as is the nature of depression.

Have you been able to talk about any of this with say a therapist? It's extremely tough to deal with this sort of thing on your own, so don't be afraid to talk to us. We aren't professionals of course, but sometimes it helps to externalise these things when they are constantly looping in our heads.

I hope maybe you feel a little better after taking the step to introduce yourself now I'm sure you will find you are amongst friends here!

 

[VictorR]

Welcome. May you find relief from your tribulations.

 

[Rodafina]

hello and welcome. Thank you for starting to share your story and hopefully we can be of some support to you now that you are finally ready to interact. I guess we have been waiting patiently for you! Welcome and let us know if you need any help figuring out the site.

 

[Trothan]

Hey @Trothan, a belated welcome to the forum! I'm glad you made a post It really sounds like you are going through some stuff right now? That's ok, we are all here to talk, and people are very supportive here!

I'm sorry it seems that your diagnosis has gone missing. I'm sure though that with a little detective work, it will be possible to track it down.

I had a similar situation with my Bipolar diagnosis, it was made over a decade ago. For some reason (probably due to incompetence or laziness on the doctor's part) it was claimed that I had never received a diagnosis. So I can understand how distressing it can be when you need to prove a diagnosis has been made. At the very least, even if you are reassessed, it will be strong evidence.

If you can work out who carried out your initial diagnosis, it may be possible it's been scanned into a system somewhere and your evidence isn't so far away!

I have also tried to self educate myself on skills and knowledge that can help deal with depression and suicidal thoughts. I'm also very sure there are others on this forum that can relate to doing so too.

I have thrown myself into learning about a lot of things to at least some extent, simply to keep my mind occupied and less likely to dwell on negative thoughts. But, it is exhausting. After a while we don't have the energy to focus, as is the nature of depression.

Have you been able to talk about any of this with say a therapist? It's extremely tough to deal with this sort of thing on your own, so don't be afraid to talk to us. We aren't professionals of course, but sometimes it helps to externalise these things when they are constantly looping in our heads.

I hope maybe you feel a little better after taking the step to introduce yourself now I'm sure you will find you are amongst friends here!

I have tried talking to a therapist before and I am trying again. I have been dealing with this on my own forever. I don't want to be alone.

 

[Nitro]

 

[Rodafina]

I don't want to be alone.

I understand. We can be here for you.

 

[MildredHubble]

I have tried talking to a therapist before and I am trying again. I have been dealing with this on my own forever. I don't want to be alone.

It's good that you are talking to a therapist about this, I hope they are helping you to work some things out.

I think you are doing the best thing by seeking help. You don't need to be alone here! I think finding this forum has been incredibly good for my mental health. I really feel welcomed and understood here. I'm sure you will too!

Feel free to share what's on your mind Don't keep it bottled up!

 

[Trothan]

Continuing with the story...
I have been losing interest in things I liked lately. I am less interested in playing the mind games I have been playing in effort to mask underlying misery.
one of my interests is chess. My grandpa taught me how to play when I was about seven. I played the Halloween gambit in my first chess game. He beat me in 11 moves and I was angry. I pretended to be a good sport like most chess players do when in reality we want revenge.
I practiced against the computer for about a month. I lost 30 times, drew twice, and won once. Once I won, I knew I was ready to face grandpa. I set up the board at the dinning and waited for grandpa to walk in. When he did I said "would you care for a game of chess?" I jumped up and down yelling "I did it" when I won. It was a long game that ended in a king and rook checkmate.
I went on to become the first student in the history of my high school to win the scholastic chess series. At first it was hard, but I improved rapidly. When studying chess it causes me to feel as if all of my opponents to become weaker, therefore requiring less effort to beat them.
my achievements helped grow the chess club at the school. We formed the first chess team which I wasn't allowed to join because my rating was too high. I trained the students with Ben being my star pupil. They won second place and the trophy is on display in the chess club. Ben was happy to use the methods I gave him to win tournaments.
i won a bunch of other tournaments, but I stopped playing because my job at Kroger requires me to work on weekends. it is a hassle to get off three days in a row. I enjoy the tournaments because of how peaceful I feel while being dedicated to a clear goal. Chess gives me a sense of playing God.
I have a job with a chess in schools program. The most stressful part of the job was working with kids with learning disabilities who were impatient, had anger issues, and started hitting me. I eventually got through to them with an improvised lesson. The kids seem to enjoy my lessons at the other schools.

 

[Trothan]

I would like to add the other reason I am afraid to identify with autism.
I understand that there are some people who use the diagnosis as an excuse for selfishness. The temptation to do this terrified me. I don't want to hurt people by preventing them from getting the love they need. This fear pushed me to disown this part of my identity.
I have been diagnosed with OCD and it has this pattern of moral fears.

 

[MildredHubble]

Continuing with the story...
I have been losing interest in things I liked lately. I am less interested in playing the mind games I have been playing in effort to mask underlying misery.
one of my interests is chess. My grandpa taught me how to play when I was about seven. I played the Halloween gambit in my first chess game. He beat me in 11 moves and I was angry. I pretended to be a good sport like most chess players do when in reality we want revenge.
I practiced against the computer for about a month. I lost 30 times, drew twice, and won once. Once I won, I knew I was ready to face grandpa. I set up the board at the dinning and waited for grandpa to walk in. When he did I said "would you care for a game of chess?" I jumped up and down yelling "I did it" when I won. It was a long game that ended in a king and rook checkmate.
I went on to become the first student in the history of my high school to win the scholastic chess series. At first it was hard, but I improved rapidly. When studying chess it causes me to feel as if all of my opponents to become weaker, therefore requiring less effort to beat them.
my achievements helped grow the chess club at the school. We formed the first chess team which I wasn't allowed to join because my rating was too high. I trained the students with Ben being my star pupil. They won second place and the trophy is on display in the chess club. Ben was happy to use the methods I gave him to win tournaments.
i won a bunch of other tournaments, but I stopped playing because my job at Kroger requires me to work on weekends. it is a hassle to get off three days in a row. I enjoy the tournaments because of how peaceful I feel while being dedicated to a clear goal. Chess gives me a sense of playing God.
I have a job with a chess in schools program. The most stressful part of the job was working with kids with learning disabilities who were impatient, had anger issues, and started hitting me. I eventually got through to them with an improvised lesson. The kids seem to enjoy my lessons at the other schools.

That's impressive! I've never been particularly good at chess. The best I ever achieved was playing against a ZX Spectrum computer and getting the computer on the run. I would have won the game, except... It just stubbornly sat there saying "Thinking... Thinking... Thinking..." Over and over. I guess they didn't program it to know how to lose?

It sounds like you would maybe like to get some time off to focus on the things you enjoy? I can understand what it's like. One job I had made me regularly work up to 13 days/shifts in a row. I couldn't focus on my interests and after about 6-7 months of this, I started having serious issues with my mental health, not to mention, physical health.

Would it be possible to get some paid time off? If not, could you get a note from the doctor to give you some time off? Or maybe from your therapist?

 

[Rodafina]

I understand that there are some people who use the diagnosis as an excuse for selfishness. The temptation to do this terrified me.

Remember that true selfishness is quite different from learning and recognizing your own needs and boundaries and meeting those needs when others can’t.

 

[MildredHubble]

I would like to add the other reason I am afraid to identify with autism.
I understand that there are some people who use the diagnosis as an excuse for selfishness. The temptation to do this terrified me. I don't want to hurt people by preventing them from getting the love they need. This fear pushed me to disown this part of my identity.
I have been diagnosed with OCD and it has this pattern of moral fears.

It took me a long time to really admit that suffered from mental health problems. I tried to deny it thinking that, if I accepted it, I had failed.

I had grown quite used to spending most of my time depressed and then having these high mood episodes.

I didn't think I deserved help due to the negative messages I had internalised.

Embracing your autism diagnosis won't make make you selfish. Selfishness is chosen by people. It doesn't seem to me you would choose to be selfish at all.

My mother often used to berate me when I exhibited symptoms of mental illness. Rather than helping me, or finding someone who could, she would accuse me of attention seeking, in other words "selfishness".

So I continued to try and pretend I didn't have a mental illness. When I finally sought help and told the doctors everything about my experience without holding back, I got properly diagnosed and in the end, it allowed me to function better than I ever thought possible.

 

[Trothan]

Remember that true selfishness is quite different from learning and recognizing your own needs and boundaries and meeting those needs when others can’t.

I am doing my best to recognize my needs. I am working on opening up with my family more. I want them to help me clarify how exactly autism affects me so I can stop judging myself.
I am terrified of showing my selfish side, even if it is over something minor. I let my mistakes go eventually, but it is through beating myself up. Nearly all of this is over thoughts and emotions which I never acted on, but I am afraid I will act on them.
This keeps me paralyzed and quiet. I start having muscle spasms as I repress feelings. It leads to suicidal thoughts, but their true meaning is that I am in denial of my emotions and thoughts which I deem undesirable in the context of a given social situation.
I don't know if this is related just to autism or if it is something else. I have been worried about making other people uncomfortable while at school. They were afraid of my weird behaviors like laughing out loud instead of in my head while pacing. These weird behaviors came out more frequently when I was at the end of the school day, I was mentally exhausted, and my mind easily started wondering.
This pattern continued into college. Toward the end of the day, I would start getting weird again. The teacher noticed it and so did the students. After class some of the students started discussing autism. They paused and then looked to me before saying "that would explain a lot."
i am constantly fighting myself because I want to be a good person. I likely hurt myself much more than I realize through placing false ideals on myself. These are any ideals which deny who I am.

 

[Trothan]

It took me a long time to really admit that suffered from mental health problems. I tried to deny it thinking that, if I accepted it, I had failed.

I had grown quite used to spending most of my time depressed and then having these high mood episodes.

I didn't think I deserved help due to the negative messages I had internalised.

Embracing your autism diagnosis won't make make you selfish. Selfishness is chosen by people. It doesn't seem to me you would choose to be selfish at all.

My mother often used to berate me when I exhibited symptoms of mental illness. Rather than helping me, or finding someone who could, she would accuse me of attention seeking, in other words "selfishness".

So I continued to try and pretend I didn't have a mental illness. When I finally sought help and told the doctors everything about my experience without holding back, I got properly diagnosed and in the end, it allowed me to function better than I ever thought possible.

I do experience episodes of depression and hyper activity. I often feel very happy and peaceful. It makes me wonder if anything is wrong at all. This is why I have a hard time telling doctors that I am depressed because I was under the impression that I was creating it. After trying emotional mastery of had become more clear that this is happening to me.
thank you for saying I would not choose selfishness. It means a lot.
My sister does criticize me for symptoms of autism such as self talk. I focus on narrow interests and I often discuss them in complicated ways that she can't understand.
This can make it hard to relate to people which In turn leads to isolation.

 

[MildredHubble]

I do experience episodes of depression and hyper activity. I often feel very happy and peaceful. It makes me wonder if anything is wrong at all. This is why I have a hard time telling doctors that I am depressed because I was under the impression that I was creating it. After trying emotional mastery of had become more clear that this is happening to me.

I think you've articulated this better than I did. I also believed I was somehow choosing to be depressed and somehow choosing to have these high moods. Like you, particularly when it came to depression, I started to realise that it was something my brain kinda just did, I wasn't choosing it at all.

Like recently, my mood has been improving the most it has in years. But this is how bipolar manifests, nothing changes objectively (in fact in some ways things are worse right now) but I'm just feeling so much more positive. Sadly, I know it won't last particularly long. Nothing with change materially, but my mood will. This is how I know it's something that happens to me not because I'm "being a stick in the mud" or "negative nelly".

thank you for saying I would not choose selfishness. It means a lot.

It's clear you aren't a selfish person. Selfish people never have any insight or worry that they may be being selfish. The very fact that you worry about it shows that really, you aren't selfish!

My sister does criticize me for symptoms of autism such as self talk. I focus on narrow interests and I often discuss them in complicated ways that she can't understand.
This can make it hard to relate to people which In turn leads to isolation.

I'm sorry that she criticises you for showing symptoms of autism. I'm not sure why people do that. Unfortunately "conventional thinkers" as I refer to neuro typical people, see things so differently to ND or neuro diverse people. It's like ND people have been told to play chess while NT people are playing Checkers (or vice versa if you prefer). Everyone is playing with the same board, but every move that's made has a very different significance to both parties.

I have a habit of info dumping in conversations with people. To me if feels like I'm engaging with the conversation and really trying to contribute, then I find out that the other person felt like I was being rude, or boring. But in conversations with people who are autistic or very likely to have been on the spectrum, there's none of this feeling of resentment at either end of the conversation.

I think that the more time you spend here on the forum, and the more conversations you have with people, the more you will feel positively about these things. You're not flawed, or selfish. You are just perhaps, a little different to most people. Variety is the spice of life after all! We're all a little different here!

 

[Aspychata]

When people find out you are passionate about something obscure or off the wall, they give you weird looks. If you show too much passion, they flip out too. When Ian hit, l drove around at looked at damage, and could kind of see some patterns emerging from how houses were hit. Definitely saw lots of pictures of huge trees falling on houses, leaving me to think, stay away from trees when you buy your next place. But l can't tell people that l started analyzing the damage and looking for similarities in destruction because who does this every day of their life?

 

[Knower of nothing]

I am terrified of showing my selfish side

Hello friend. This is a textbook side effect of emotional neglect. I'm sure you've come across the topic. All that can be done now is to reconcile the built up mental frameworks of the last however many years with the reality of your unfulfillment that they helped you cope with. If you haven't yet, I have found that reading and thinking in the direction of what Schemata are and how to navigate them ultimately yields greater results and control within the self compared to attempting to wrestle your emotions into submission. Best of luck, there is no panacea.