To give a bit of background, my parents are super great, but I am adopted and am somewhat different from them. Additionally, I have always over tested on everything, entering kindergarten at 4 and always testing at the top of standardized tests through school
I have always had autistic tendencies, like having no interest in what other kids were doing, or avoiding people at family gatherings and playing with the dog or being extremely sensitive to uncomfortable clothing. But I think things got missed because growing up in the country with a nice family, I could do whatever I wanted and my interests always seemed “smart” to others
But then things get to junior high through high school and there is a lot of bullying which just confuses me. Since I previously had very little experience with other kids I did not know how to react or what reactions were acceptable and teachers willfully ignored things and so on. I finally had a nervous breakdown over this at about age 16 and kept washing my hands to calm down which resulted in ocd diagnosis which doesn’t really fit
So I kind of feel like Inam just dealing with dumb rednecks and that must be the entire issue, so I go to college and fund my place among very liberal people. Except girlfriends black gay friend will not stop trying to conquest me and when drinking him and his Jewish boyfriend sexually assault me, but my frustrations were not accepted well by my girlfriend or female best friend or gay, gay advocate I was assigned at university counseling or other gay advocate psychs I was assigned (I actually ran in to my psych in a gay bar Inwent to with a friend where her gay friends pushed her in the men’s bathroom). So all things are things wrong with me, terrible about me, etc.
So because I believe what I am told more and more negative issues with gay men. The last being moving a vast amount of eBay items in with guy who I later found out felt he was “made gay” so we could trade stocks without needing to work a normal job.
Everything always goes to exact same subject. I was a health fanatic before first sexual assault and only started smoking the deal with panic attacks for sexual assault not being addressed. After quitting smoking, I started smoking again and and started drinking when last roommate kicked me out and later committed suicide
But the ex-girlfriend rescues me but I can not escape all these things. I have adhd, but I can not receive medication because of psych nurses deferring to initial diagnoses when I was 21 or assuming things are sexual assault trauma or endless other things or just repressed things or hate. The idea that I have ASD is also completely me because of the obsession psychs have with my stories about sexual assaults and manipulations
And then online there are endless consequences for trying to get better about how my realities must mean I am filled with hate and very aggressively told off and punished. Then ex-girlfriend was best man at her gay friends wedding and her friends are very liberal advocates and I was homeless from last roommate, but I cannot explain why because it’s somehow hate
But I don’t hate anyone. I gave my black ex-girlfriend thousands of dollars and all the issues with gays are the result of being accepting of gays. Last roommate revealed that he was gray and suicidal and I was willing to stick by him, but he kicked me out because he wanted someone who might love him there plus issues related to messiness which would not be addressed due to other sexual assaults cutting me off from psychological help
I did nothing to gay crippled guy who grabbed me, to closeted gay boss who kept butt touching, to another roommate who cut me off from women I knew and felt he was also “made gay” by childhood sexual assaults who I had to literally physically fight off or to guy who tried cornered me and tried to pressure me into gay sex. I did nothing because I was sympathetic to the cause.
So now I am 48 years old and these things are just the story of my life. And I have cast off all the external blames and accusations and am pissed off at all my life’s losses to nonsense which seems to be centered around gay rights
But, then, at some point one just has to let go and move on.
But I feel like my adult life is one big sacrifice to gay advocacy and now I am 48 years old and my chances in life have been taken away but this one reoccurring issue
But still I just have to let go and move on, because anger or whatever does not change anything
Like more energy spent in the same direction just gives more power to the people who did me wrong and takes more away from me
This is a horrific problem to be stuck with because it’s so political, but it just is my life. If I change my story, I am just lying and my frustrations have no chance of ever being addressed
But I have to move forward and just let the past go
Sometimes guys get sent to war and immediately die at the age of 20 for being born at the wrong time. That’s how I try to think about things but it isn’t working.
I have always had autistic tendencies, like having no interest in what other kids were doing, or avoiding people at family gatherings and playing with the dog or being extremely sensitive to uncomfortable clothing. But I think things got missed because growing up in the country with a nice family, I could do whatever I wanted and my interests always seemed “smart” to others
But then things get to junior high through high school and there is a lot of bullying which just confuses me. Since I previously had very little experience with other kids I did not know how to react or what reactions were acceptable and teachers willfully ignored things and so on. I finally had a nervous breakdown over this at about age 16 and kept washing my hands to calm down which resulted in ocd diagnosis which doesn’t really fit
So I kind of feel like Inam just dealing with dumb rednecks and that must be the entire issue, so I go to college and fund my place among very liberal people. Except girlfriends black gay friend will not stop trying to conquest me and when drinking him and his Jewish boyfriend sexually assault me, but my frustrations were not accepted well by my girlfriend or female best friend or gay, gay advocate I was assigned at university counseling or other gay advocate psychs I was assigned (I actually ran in to my psych in a gay bar Inwent to with a friend where her gay friends pushed her in the men’s bathroom). So all things are things wrong with me, terrible about me, etc.
So because I believe what I am told more and more negative issues with gay men. The last being moving a vast amount of eBay items in with guy who I later found out felt he was “made gay” so we could trade stocks without needing to work a normal job.
Everything always goes to exact same subject. I was a health fanatic before first sexual assault and only started smoking the deal with panic attacks for sexual assault not being addressed. After quitting smoking, I started smoking again and and started drinking when last roommate kicked me out and later committed suicide
But the ex-girlfriend rescues me but I can not escape all these things. I have adhd, but I can not receive medication because of psych nurses deferring to initial diagnoses when I was 21 or assuming things are sexual assault trauma or endless other things or just repressed things or hate. The idea that I have ASD is also completely me because of the obsession psychs have with my stories about sexual assaults and manipulations
And then online there are endless consequences for trying to get better about how my realities must mean I am filled with hate and very aggressively told off and punished. Then ex-girlfriend was best man at her gay friends wedding and her friends are very liberal advocates and I was homeless from last roommate, but I cannot explain why because it’s somehow hate
But I don’t hate anyone. I gave my black ex-girlfriend thousands of dollars and all the issues with gays are the result of being accepting of gays. Last roommate revealed that he was gray and suicidal and I was willing to stick by him, but he kicked me out because he wanted someone who might love him there plus issues related to messiness which would not be addressed due to other sexual assaults cutting me off from psychological help
I did nothing to gay crippled guy who grabbed me, to closeted gay boss who kept butt touching, to another roommate who cut me off from women I knew and felt he was also “made gay” by childhood sexual assaults who I had to literally physically fight off or to guy who tried cornered me and tried to pressure me into gay sex. I did nothing because I was sympathetic to the cause.
So now I am 48 years old and these things are just the story of my life. And I have cast off all the external blames and accusations and am pissed off at all my life’s losses to nonsense which seems to be centered around gay rights
But, then, at some point one just has to let go and move on.
But I feel like my adult life is one big sacrifice to gay advocacy and now I am 48 years old and my chances in life have been taken away but this one reoccurring issue
But still I just have to let go and move on, because anger or whatever does not change anything
Like more energy spent in the same direction just gives more power to the people who did me wrong and takes more away from me
This is a horrific problem to be stuck with because it’s so political, but it just is my life. If I change my story, I am just lying and my frustrations have no chance of ever being addressed
But I have to move forward and just let the past go
Sometimes guys get sent to war and immediately die at the age of 20 for being born at the wrong time. That’s how I try to think about things but it isn’t working.
Last edited: