Am upset at the world and upset with myself and struggling to let go and move forward

[Jumpback]

To give a bit of background, my parents are super great, but I am adopted and am somewhat different from them. Additionally, I have always over tested on everything, entering kindergarten at 4 and always testing at the top of standardized tests through school

I have always had autistic tendencies, like having no interest in what other kids were doing, or avoiding people at family gatherings and playing with the dog or being extremely sensitive to uncomfortable clothing. But I think things got missed because growing up in the country with a nice family, I could do whatever I wanted and my interests always seemed “smart” to others

But then things get to junior high through high school and there is a lot of bullying which just confuses me. Since I previously had very little experience with other kids I did not know how to react or what reactions were acceptable and teachers willfully ignored things and so on. I finally had a nervous breakdown over this at about age 16 and kept washing my hands to calm down which resulted in ocd diagnosis which doesn’t really fit

So I kind of feel like Inam just dealing with dumb rednecks and that must be the entire issue, so I go to college and fund my place among very liberal people. Except girlfriends black gay friend will not stop trying to conquest me and when drinking him and his Jewish boyfriend sexually assault me, but my frustrations were not accepted well by my girlfriend or female best friend or gay, gay advocate I was assigned at university counseling or other gay advocate psychs I was assigned (I actually ran in to my psych in a gay bar Inwent to with a friend where her gay friends pushed her in the men’s bathroom). So all things are things wrong with me, terrible about me, etc.

So because I believe what I am told more and more negative issues with gay men. The last being moving a vast amount of eBay items in with guy who I later found out felt he was “made gay” so we could trade stocks without needing to work a normal job.

Everything always goes to exact same subject. I was a health fanatic before first sexual assault and only started smoking the deal with panic attacks for sexual assault not being addressed. After quitting smoking, I started smoking again and and started drinking when last roommate kicked me out and later committed suicide

But the ex-girlfriend rescues me but I can not escape all these things. I have adhd, but I can not receive medication because of psych nurses deferring to initial diagnoses when I was 21 or assuming things are sexual assault trauma or endless other things or just repressed things or hate. The idea that I have ASD is also completely me because of the obsession psychs have with my stories about sexual assaults and manipulations

And then online there are endless consequences for trying to get better about how my realities must mean I am filled with hate and very aggressively told off and punished. Then ex-girlfriend was best man at her gay friends wedding and her friends are very liberal advocates and I was homeless from last roommate, but I cannot explain why because it’s somehow hate

But I don’t hate anyone. I gave my black ex-girlfriend thousands of dollars and all the issues with gays are the result of being accepting of gays. Last roommate revealed that he was gray and suicidal and I was willing to stick by him, but he kicked me out because he wanted someone who might love him there plus issues related to messiness which would not be addressed due to other sexual assaults cutting me off from psychological help

I did nothing to gay crippled guy who grabbed me, to closeted gay boss who kept butt touching, to another roommate who cut me off from women I knew and felt he was also “made gay” by childhood sexual assaults who I had to literally physically fight off or to guy who tried cornered me and tried to pressure me into gay sex. I did nothing because I was sympathetic to the cause.

So now I am 48 years old and these things are just the story of my life. And I have cast off all the external blames and accusations and am pissed off at all my life’s losses to nonsense which seems to be centered around gay rights

But, then, at some point one just has to let go and move on.

But I feel like my adult life is one big sacrifice to gay advocacy and now I am 48 years old and my chances in life have been taken away but this one reoccurring issue

But still I just have to let go and move on, because anger or whatever does not change anything

Like more energy spent in the same direction just gives more power to the people who did me wrong and takes more away from me

This is a horrific problem to be stuck with because it’s so political, but it just is my life. If I change my story, I am just lying and my frustrations have no chance of ever being addressed

But I have to move forward and just let the past go

Sometimes guys get sent to war and immediately die at the age of 20 for being born at the wrong time. That’s how I try to think about things but it isn’t working.

 

[Jumpback]

To give a bit of background, my parents are super great, but I am adopted and am somewhat different from them. Additionally, I have always over tested on everything, entering kindergarten at 4 and always testing at the top of standardized tests through school

I have always had autistic tendencies, like having no interest in what other kids were doing, or avoiding people at family gatherings and playing with the dog or being extremely sensitive to uncomfortable clothing. But I think things got missed because growing up in the country with a nice family, I could do whatever I wanted and my interests always seemed “smart” to others

But then things get to junior high through high school and there is a lot of bullying which just confuses me. Since I previously had very little experience with other kids I did not know how to react or what reactions were acceptable and teachers willfully ignored things and so on. I finally had a nervous breakdown over this at about age 16 and kept washing my hands to calm down which resulted in ocd diagnosis which doesn’t really fit

So I kind of feel like Inam just dealing with dumb rednecks and that must be the entire issue, so I go to college and fund my place among very liberal people. Except girlfriends black gay friend will not stop trying to conquest me and when drinking him and his Jewish boyfriend sexually assault me, but my frustrations were not accepted well by my girlfriend or female best friend or gay, gay advocate I was assigned at university counseling or other gay advocate psychs I was assigned (I actually ran in to my psych in a gay bar Inwent to with a friend where her gay friends pushed her in the men’s bathroom). So all things are things wrong with me, terrible about me, etc.

So because I believe what I am told more and more negative issues with gay men. The last being moving a vast amount of eBay items in with guy who I later found out felt he was “made gay” so we could trade stocks without needing to work a normal job.

Everything always goes to exact same subject. I was a health fanatic before first sexual assault and only started smoking the deal with panic attacks for sexual assault not being addressed. After quitting smoking, I started smoking again and and started drinking when last roommate kicked me out and later committed suicide

But the ex-girlfriend rescues me but I can not escape all these things. I have adhd, but I can not receive medication because of psych nurses deferring to initial diagnoses when I was 21 or assuming things are sexual assault trauma or endless other things or just repressed things or hate. The idea that I have ASD is also completely me because of the obsession psychs have with my stories about sexual assaults and manipulations

And then online there are endless consequences for trying to get better about hate and ex-girlfriend was best man at her gay friends wedding and her friends are very liberal advocates and I was homeless from last roommate, but I cannot explain why because it’s somehow hate

But I don’t hate anyone. I gave my black ex-girlfriend thousands of dollars and all the issues with gays are the result of being accepting of gays. Last roommate revealed that he was gray and suicidal and I was willing to stick by him, but he kicked me out because he wanted someone who might love him there plus issues related to messiness which would not be addressed due to other sexual assaults cutting me off from psychological help

I did nothing to gay crippled guy who grabbed me, to closeted gay boss who kept butt touching, to another roommate who cut me off from women I knew and felt he was also “made gay” by childhood sexual assaults who I had to literally physically fight off or to guy who tried cornered me and tried to pressure me into gay sex. I did nothing because I was sympathetic to the cause.

So now I am 48 years old and these things are just the story of my life. And I have cast off all the external blames and accusations and am pissed off at all my life’s losses to nonsense which seems to be centered around gay rights

But, then, at some point one just has to let go and move on.

But I feel like my adult life is one big sacrifice to gay advocacy and now I am 48 years old and my chances in life have been taken away but this one reoccurring issue

But still I just have to let go and move on, because anger or whatever does not change anything

Like more energy spent in the same direction just gives more power to the people who did me wrong and takes more away from me

This is a horrific problem to be stuck with because it’s so political, but it just is my life. If I change my story, I am just lying and my frustrations have no chance of ever being addressed

But I have to move forward and just let the past go

Sometimes guys get sent to war and immediately die at the age of 20 for being born at the wrong time. That’s how I try to think about things but it isn’t working.

People don’t realize just how lonely and isolating having incorrect issues can be. No one is sympathetic, no one understands, then one is cut off from normal assistance for even actual crimes sounding inappropriate and so on

Like, say a women gets raped by her husband in like the 1930s, but since this isn’t actually a thing, the woman must be guilty of something and have things wrong with her because her actual experiences are very upsetting to others

But, still, there is some point where when one is actually free of the past they just have to move on and not be a victim of the past and just “man up,” whether the victim is a man or a woman, and not let the past control the present and future. And I am just not doing this.

 

[Jumpback]

Realities are basically that societal systems and rules which result in compliance. Since minorities are mistreated, they don’t buy into the system and rules and comply, so they commit more crimes

And gay men like men, and I have a deep voice and had been a bodybuilder is my late teens. And I was completely clueless due to ASD and blindly believed libel gay advocate ideals.

Things aren’t rocket science, but very, very obvious realities become intolerable hate, which proves the individual whose realities do not comply must be guilty of endless things and have endless things wrong with them

I mean gay couple who first sexually assaulted me even admitted what happened, but societal ideas seemed to overrule the reality that I was simply a victim of a sexual assault commited by two people and there were zero other complicating factors considered includimg that my extreme tolerance due to far left wing ideals and acceptance of gays and my entire history was the most significant factor that resulted in this happening.

It just has to be repressed homosexuality or hate or 6 disorders because that’s what the dominant belief system which had extreme power told people must be reality

But what happens if individual is just completely clueless and everyone and especially authority figures are in agreement ganging up on the completely clueless victim?

I am not facing these issues at this precise moment and need to let go, and this is on me, but describing why I have these issues does not make me evil, despite that this seems to be popular opinion

 

[Aspychata]

Still feel you were groomed and taken advantage of. It seems that the gay network now has zeroed in and kept you in their grasp. I have anger from a very abusive relationship. l also am angry that l couldn't do anything about, and it took years away from me. But wallowing in my self pity eventually backfires because you become so entrenched in reliving the pain that you can't move on. You may need to realize that you can't truly get therapy. You may need to research and handle this yourself if you are to move ahead. But the more you tell this story, the more you free yourself. l told strangers about my abusive ex at least 50 times. Every time l spoke about it, l felt more free.

 

[Jumpback]

I get how things work, noncompliance results in punishment, loss of advertising dollars and threats of board getting kicked of server and endless other consequences. Attempts to explain anything, including trauma, is just going to be punished as hate because people do not attempt to understanding noncompliance and inconvenient frustrations must be punished very aggressively.

I am not purposely trying to be political, all I did was try to be nice to especially minority ethnicity gays because I felt like people at my school who tormented me were dumbass rednecks

There is no end to how the most basic things imaginable where two people sexually assault someone and then actually admit to the crime must somehow be the victims fault due to race/sexual orientation and no one is even remotely interested in the victim but only interested in complying with the dominant social message and dominance in psychology and the psychs political beliefs

This is not me, I just got sexually assaulted and wished for this to be addressed, I am expressing things because two people actually admitting sexual assault occurred meant 7 things wrong with me, cut me off from any type of psych help and completely messed up my life because since one belief system was so dominate, I, as the victim of something in which the people who committed the crime even admitted to their guilt, must be guilty of things and psychologically disturbed in endless ways and may have repressed things and so on

 

[Jumpback]

Still feel you were groomed and taken advantage of. It seems that the gay network now has zeroed in and kept you in their grasp. I have anger from a very abusive relationship. l also am angry that l couldn't do anything about, and it took years away from me. But wallowing in my self pity eventually becomes backfires because you become so entrenched in reliving the pain that you can't move on. You may need to realize that you can't truly get therapy. You may need to research and handle this yourself if you are to move ahead. But the more you tell this story, the more you free yourself. l told strangers about my abusive ex at least 50 times. Every time l spoke about it, l felt more free.

I really am wallowing horribly in self pity. And this is on me.

But at the same time people do not understand. If a woman gets sexually assaulted by two men, no one questions her secret repressed attraction to straight men, her sexual orientation, and even after two men admit to the wrong, the real problem must be woman has endless things wrong with her and her brain must have severe issues and be cut off from basic things like obvious adhd diagnosis and every thing she says must be questioned due to her potential hatred of men. With no sympathy of any kind whatsoever for the female victim, due to her repressed things towards men or potential hatred of men. Additionally, as far as I can tell women tend to see weaknesses aa a result of trauma as undesirable traits which might make men uninteresting as potential mates

Like I am wallowing horrifically and this is my fault, but I just see things as like if two men sexually assault a woman, there is nothing complicated and woman receives sympathy

My realities are very simple, gay couple who sexually assaulted me admitted that it happened, closeted gay boss who kept engaging in butt touching was arrested for trying to run over lesbian couple at a gay bar after getting in a brawl with them inside the club. Everything that I claim is incredibly obvious, but these things are also incredibly inconvemient and socially unacceptable.

My realities are impossibly simple, they just aren’t politically convenient, so they become impossibly hard

And I have no one on my side, even my ex-girlfriend who got it seemed to be overwhelmed by her social group and family who just did not understand, somtyat was the end of my entire future plans again

 

[Kalinychta]

I’m so sorry you feel so much pain. I really, really think you need to find a counselor. It may take you a few months to find the right fit, but you need to be patient and keep at it. You obviously have so much anger and fear in you related to past trauma, and you need to get professional help to try to resolve it.

 

[Jumpback]

I see things as kind of like this:

Socially skilled heterosexual men proclaim their support for gay causes, yet they avoid gay men and threaten violence or seem to be capable of violence if any unwanted approaches arise, which result in avoiding all negative issues plus they prove their compliance to women who tend to be liberal and don’t show any signs of weakness which can be problematic, plus they prove their compliance with dominant systems which makes them sort of heroic advocates of gay causes, which helps them in every way since this is the social cause of the moment. Plus they agree with social messages and proclaim their advocacy which makes them even more heroic

But I actually try to be incredibly accepting of gay men, including having gay roommate and trying to support other gay roommate who is suicidal, which results in numerous sexual assualts and manipulations and being homeless and trauma and being upset for this is punished unendingly. And the weakness and being beat down completely destroys my confidence and indirectly messes up all hopes of help for other issues ever being addressed and potentially even takes away basic life opportunities such as having a career and even having a wife and family, especially because one gay roommate bans women I like, and I cannot explain anything to anyone without being judged and usually punished, and sexual assault or manipulation issues are all about/things wrong with me or terrible about me or I just have to be homeless over them, and Incannot explain anything because any attempts to explain result in being ganged up and punished for hate or just not being believed.

So this is my adult life

So I am upset beyond belief about basically somehow losing my life’s opportunities to absolute nonsense

But I have to just move on from this

 

[Jumpback]

I’m so sorry you feel so much pain. I really, really think you need to find a counselor. It may take you a few months to find the right fit, but you need to be patient and keep at it. You obviously have so much anger and fear in you related to past trauma, and you need to get professional help to try to resolve it.

But the thing is that I have nothing very confusing or traumatic, except maybe first sexual assault

Like gay couple who committed first sexual assault admitted to the crime, closeted gay boss was actually arrested for trying to run over lesbian couple after getting in a brawl with them in a gay bar

Like things aren’t some super secret things that happened to me as a child, almost everything is very obvious, it’s just that it is continuously me arguing that very, very obvious crimes or manipulations committed committed by gay men do not mean that I am horrible or have endless disorders or need to be cut off from normal psychological help or am a danger to innocent gays or my ex-girlfriend or am up to endless things

Other people are certain that I am the one horrible when gays behave badly and I am constantly the only one defending myself against walls of accusations.

There is no need for therapy, just allies against endless accusations for being a victim so someone might believe me that I am not guilty of something because gays behaved badly

I am just pissed off about the past. I am not a child molested, all things happened as an adult and were incredibly straightforward and I was not initially confused about any issues until others ganged up on me for being inconvenient

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

Has it occurred to you that maybe the reason people think you are full of hate and have sexual assault trauma is because you keep going on and on and on about it? The way you write, the irrelevant details you repeatedly bring up (e.g. individuals race and religion), and how you seem to manage to bring every topic around to the topic of gay people doing bad things comes across as pretty hateful.

 

[Jumpback]

I’m so sorry you feel so much pain. I really, really think you need to find a counselor. It may take you a few months to find the right fit, but you need to be patient and keep at it. You obviously have so much anger and fear in you related to past trauma, and you need to get professional help to try to resolve it.

The issue I am upset about is incredibly complicated and my realities are as inconvenience as possible. Almost everyone I have issues with are also another minority. Both roommates I have issues with are immigrants who came to the US in their teens. Then in gay studies there are separate categories between men who have sex with men and gay men. Both roommates seemed to be either in love with me or has an idea that I might be a life partner before I moved in with them which I was not aware of, but it’s not entirely clear if either of these immigrant minorities were actually gay or just thought that they were “made gay” or if they were men who has sex with men. But, then this is is just the tip of the iceberg

I’m just a straight guy who is vey tolerant and wanted to have a wife and family, but this opportunity seems to have passed me by, seemingly due to all the unwanted Gay things that have followed me around for the past 25 years

Like every time I get a chance at a nice girl, it seems like her gay friend is sexually assaulting me or gay roommate in love with me is banning her I can not explain myself realities without being judged and so on

And now I am 48 and this is my adult life. It sucks

 

[Jumpback]

Has it occurred to you that maybe the reason people think you are full of hate and have sexual assault trauma is because you keep going on and on and on about it? The way you write, the irrelevant details you repeatedly bring up (e.g. individuals race and religion), and how you seem to manage to bring every topic around to the topic of gay people doing bad things comes across as pretty hateful.

Yeah, try living for 3 years with a an immigrant Hispanic guy who thinks he was made gay by a childhood rape who has decided he is in love with you and fighting him off and putting up with him banning women you like because you feel bad for him and on and on then getting accused by a moron who would never put forth effort like this

Or try attempting to move entire eBay business in with a different t immigrant college friend so they u can trade stocks and later he wants to fill out papers as a married couple and then he wants to commit suicide, but you want to support him despite he is gay

Or try giving 10,000 dollars to black immigrant girlfriend, which is all the money you have, to help her and have some clueless moron accuse you of hate

People who play the game are the problem. They do absolutely nothing to put their money where there mouth is, but then are quick to judge and accuse because it makes them look good

 

[Kalinychta]

Has it occurred to you that maybe the reason people think you are full of hate and have sexual assault trauma is because you keep going on and on and on about it? The way you write, the irrelevant details you repeatedly bring up (e.g. individuals race and religion), and how you seem to manage to bring every topic around to the topic of gay people doing bad things comes across as pretty hateful.

This is very, very true. Jumpback denies that he needs therapy, but to me it is utterly obvious that he does. The title of his thread is that he can’t let go and can’t move forward. Obviously he needs help. His pain has manifested as hatred toward gay men. I once again encourage him to find a counselor and to join an in-person or online support group for male survivors of male rape.

 

[Kalinychta]

Yeah, try living for 3 years with a an immigrant Hispanic guy who thinks he was made gay by a childhood rape who has decided he is in love with you and fighting him off and putting up with him banning women you like because you feel bad for him and on and on then getting accused by a moron who would never put forth effort like this

Or try attempting to move entire eBay business in with a different t immigrant college friend so they u can trade stocks and later he wants to fill out papers as a married couple and then he wants to commit suicide, but you want to support him despite he is gay

Or try giving 10,000 dollars to black immigrant girlfriend, which is all the money you have, to help her and have some clueless moron accuse you of hate

People who play the game are the problem. They do absolutely nothing to put their money where there mouth is, but then are quick to judge and accuse because it makes them look good

I am truly amazed that you deny the need for a counselor. Autism Forums is not the place for you to seek help for the trauma you’ve experienced or the rage and pain it has caused you. We’re not equipped to help you here, not to the degree you require. Seriously. Can you at least think about searching for a therapist? I really, really think you need to find one. I’m not trying to be a jerk here. I just really think you need some very serious support and help.

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

Yeah, try living for 3 years with a an immigrant Hispanic guy who thinks he was made gay by a childhood rape who has decided he is in love with you and fighting him off and putting up with him banning women you like because you feel bad for him and on and on then getting accused by a moron who would never put forth effort like this

Or try attempting to move entire eBay business in with a different t immigrant college friend so they u can trade stocks and later he wants to fill out papers as a married couple and then he wants to commit suicide, but you want to support him despite he is gay

Or try giving 10,000 dollars to black immigrant girlfriend, which is all the money you have, to help her and have some clueless moron accuse you of hate

People who play the game are the problem. They do absolutely nothing to put their money where there mouth is, but then are quick to judge and accuse because it makes them look good

I'm not sure what point you are trying to make here, but you are certainly proving my point.

As Kalinychta said, you need help. Please get therapy.

 

[Jumpback]

This is very, very true. Jumpback denies that he needs therapy, but to me it is utterly obvious that he does. The title of his thread is that he can’t let go and can’t move forward. Obviously he needs help. His pain has manifested as hatred toward gay men. I once again encourage him to find a counselor and to join an in-person or online support group for male survivors of male rape.

But the sexual,assault is not the trauma, it’s the being ganged up on for seeking support for a wrong because of incorrect sexual orientations

You maybe don’t understand how offense things is towards me. I put up with lap sitting, then afgresibfe attempts to attempt to convince me to let guy butt f’ me and did nothing. I put up with crotch grabbing, repeated butt touching at work, physically fighting of roommate who broke down my door, being homeless because I did not love rooomste even after I tried to stay there to keep him from committing suicide and on and on. And all met with accusation after accusation and punishment after punishment and losses of all opportunities after losses of all opportunities

This is why I cannot let go. And am not a woman where guys do something wrong and I have a place to have support and a community. Like, imagine if guys sexually assaulted you and manipulated you and people ganged up on you for this, and this somehow meant that you have developed a hatred for men

 

[NothingToSeeHere]

This is why I cannot let go. And am not a woman where guys do something wrong and I have a place to have support and a community. Like, imagine if guys sexually assaulted you and manipulated you and people ganged up on you for this, and this somehow meant that you have developed a hatred for men

I have already directed you to resources specifically for male victims of sexual assault is previous threads, but I will do so again now.

Here is a forum for male survivors of sexual assault: Male Sexual Assault Support Forum | MaleSurvivor
Here is a page providing details of a variety of resources, including therapists specialising in helping male survivors and support groups: For Survivors | MaleSurvivor

 

[Jumpback]

I'm not sure what point you are trying to make here, but you are certainly proving my point.

As Kalinychta said, you need help. Please get therapy.

See the thing to feeling ok and letting go seems to be having a vast community behind you

Edit: i don’t know, I do not have trauma from sexual assault issues, I have trauma from others ganging up on me to punish me for being sexually assaulted due to my sexual orientation and the sexual orientation of wrongdoers being backwards from accepted messages

Anger and not letting go comes from always having people against you or something, where one has to hold on to rage because it protects you from others

This is the issue. I was just a straight guy hoping for a normal life and others are suddenly piling on me for actually being a victim

Things actually do work differently when things are politically inconvenient.

 

[Jumpback]

I want to let go of the past and move on, but the thing is I went straight from bullying being ignored to sexual assault being ignored

I tried to find an allie in guy who had been raped as a child, but he just fell in love with me and got rid of women interested in me and I had to physically fight him off and so on, and then then the same issue just kept going on and on

See, the thing is that my realities are political and upsetting to others, but this is not my doing.

See, my head about things was always very clear until others confused it. To me, others committing sexual assaults and manipulations committed crimes and needed to be punished, but other people saw endless other things wrong or terrible about me and ignored the wrongs or even punished me for failing to comply with how I must be to blame and continuing to speak up for myself.

I just don’t think that it’s the same for women. Two guys sexually assault you and admit that they sexually assaulted you and the women receives sympathy and the guys get punished. Or maybe the woman still gets victim blamed and ganged up on, but I consider this less likely.

My experiences are beyond obvious and crystal clear and my head was not initially confused. It’s the political issues that confused everything

My entire adult life is dominant by this same subject. I cannot separate myself from it.

Like if I let go of anger, it’s like all that I have lost over this means my losses and feelings and hopes and dreams mean nothing and my frustrations mean nothing and everything about everything must be my fault or just be pointless

But I actually had hopes and dreams and aspirations, but they just seemed to have repeatedly gotten squashed by the same issue

And if I let go of the past completely, what then? Is my adult life just one giant sacrifice to this one issue and there is nothing and nobody to have any interest in this fact?

 

[Mary Terry]

You need therapy for the complex issues that obviously consume you. I also recommend you associate with more compatible friends and roommates than you have selected in the past. Perhaps there is a self-abusing pattern to your choices that you need to identify and work to avoid. You're reliving and repeating your past but don't seem to learn from past mistakes. A therapist can help you get out of the loop that you are currently stuck in.

Age 48 is not too old to develop a lasting relationship with someone but I suspect that no straight female is going to want to hang out with you as long as you keep obsessing over your past, your attitudes toward races and homosexuality, and blaming everyone except yourself for your problems.