Am upset at the world and upset with myself and struggling to let go and move forward

[All-Rounder]

It's hard to be offered credibility depending on case even as a woman, especially if you are on the spectrum. Some people trust the assaulters especially if they are close to them.

I have developed a distrust about poly relationships parttakers because of repeated trauma about it, and trauma can be very strong opinion shaper but it is misleading. Not everyone is an abuser who involves themselves in a type of thing. It's hard to believe and trust coming from endless abuse repeated situations this but it is true. It's like, don't hate gays, just hate the gay abusers. And there are abusers of all kinds.

I think you have given a lot of trust and effort towards them, and you were taken advantage of for your kindness. That's terrible and they had no right to do it. Im glad to hear that some of them have gotten what they deserved. Eventually a foul life will lead them into trouble.

Im equally sad that the support groups you have reached to weren't able to validate your feelings and experiences, but leave you feeling more unsatisfied and hurt. What do you feel would have helped you they could have said or done?

 

[Greatshield17]

You need therapy for the complex issues that obviously consume you. I also recommend you associate with more compatible friends and roommates than you have selected in the past. Perhaps there is a self-abusing pattern to your choices that you need to identify and work to avoid. You're reliving and repeating your past but don't seem to learn from past mistakes. A therapist can help you get out of the loop that you are currently stuck in.

Age 48 is not too old to develop a lasting relationship with someone but I suspect that no straight female is going to want to hang out with you as long as you keep obsessing over your past, your attitudes toward races and homosexuality, and blaming everyone except yourself for your problems.

@Jumpback re-victimization is something you should really think about and reflect on, in your behaviours in life. By the Grace of God, I've never suffered anything near as traumatic as what you have experienced, but I have struggled with bad habits in the past (and still occasionally struggle with them every now and then.) and one thing that really helped me get out of it, was realizing that these behaviours were really just acts of re-victimization, efforts to relive the feelings of hurt, helplessness and despair I had felt in the past. You really need to consider this desire to be re-victimized and avoid situations where you'll be tempted to relive those feelings. It may even be the case, (I'm not saying it is, I have no idea what it's like for you on the inside) that part of you, in making this thread, wanted people on here to yell at you and call you a "homophobe," "bigot," and "gay-basher."

In the short term, you need to take your mind off of this stuff and focus on stuff that brings you real joy and peace. But in the long run, like everyone else has said on here, you need to find a professional therapist who can help you fully heal from this trauma; you can't lock yourself off from the world every June.

 

[Jumpback]

It's hard to be offered credibility depending on case even as a woman, especially if you are on the spectrum. Some people trust the assaulters especially if they are close to them.

I have developed a distrust about poly relationships parttakers because of repeated trauma about it, and trauma can be very strong opinion shaper but it is misleading. Not everyone is an abuser who involves themselves in a type of thing. It's hard to believe and trust coming from endless abuse repeated situations this but it is true. It's like, don't hate gays, just hate the gay abusers. And there are abusers of all kinds.

I think you have given a lot of trust and effort towards them, and you were taken advantage of for your kindness. That's terrible and they had no right to do it. Im glad to hear that some of them have gotten what they deserved. Eventually a foul life will lead them into trouble.

Im equally sad that the support groups you have reached to weren't able to validate your feelings and experiences, but leave you feeling more unsatisfied and hurt. What do you feel would have helped you they could have said or done?

Thank you

I don’t know exactly, but the issue seems to about my feelings not being validated and even assumptions that I have done things wrong. And this has messed with my head a lot.

Like I can’t trust society or something.

 

[Jumpback]

It may even be the case, (I'm not saying it is, I have no idea what it's like for you on the inside) that part of you, in making this thread, wanted people on here to yell at you and call you a "homophobe," "bigot," and "gay-basher."

It may be something like this, not that I want this to happen, but that I have to test if people are going to start accusing me of things to see if people are finally safe

Like if someone has had sexual assault issues as a child or as a woman, it seems unlikely that things will eventually go to people accusing them of hating men, but this issue tends to go towards such things, so people remain unsafe and I must hold on to my anger. Or something like this.

 

[Jumpback]

In the short term, you need to take your mind off of this stuff and focus on stuff that brings you real joy and peace. But in the long run, like everyone else has said on here, you need to find a professional therapist who can help you fully heal from this trauma; you can't lock yourself off from the world every June.

The issue was partially caused by psychs, so I have a deep mistrust here too.

Like I am not confused that a simple sexual assault occurred and I am straight, but things when I was 21 would very quickly go to other things. Like who immediately asks a woman being asaulted by men if she is attracted to men and what her feelings are about men?

I may have misunderstood their intentions at the time, but what it felt like was they were searching for something wrong with me or about me rather than being interested in helping.

I’m kind of scared of psychs in general messing me up worse with trying to find secret causes or judging me

 

[Jumpback]

In the short term, you need to take your mind off of this stuff and focus on stuff that brings you real joy and peace.

Thanks, this is what I want to do, but being alone with ones thoughts all the time can be not good

 

[Jumpback]

What I am kind of deeply scared of is related to other thread about wrong planet

Like sexual assault is sexual assault, but if sexual orientation or gender is wrong, being upset can either be being a brave woman or being a dangerous hate mongering man

Like I can never let my guard down or let go of the past due to there being real possibilities that I might get punished or something somewhere

 

[Aspychata]

It seems like we may come across as harsh but we do feel your anger, sorrow, disgust. Sexual assault is horrible and it can take many years to work thru with a good therapist . But there are newer ways of dealing with trauma and you may consider these instead. Don't give in, push ahead. A therapist will help you with healthy thinking patterns which it seems this might benefit you.

 

[Mia]

Self Therapy: The internal family systems model

Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy offers a valuable model which identifies three common categories of parts of the psyche: exiles, managers, and firefighters. Exiles carry the burdens of trauma including the emotions and memories. Managers work to stay in control of vulnerable feelings often by working hard or manifesting as a relentless inner critic. Firefighters “act out” with addictions or self-harming behaviors in order to prevent exiles from emerging. A primary goal of IFS therapy is to help you develop a relationship with the Self—which Richard Schwartz describes as the confident and compassionate core of the individual that can serve as a source of wisdom.

Self-Therapy for Anxiety and Depression (incl Questions + PDF)

 

[Jumpback]

It seems like we may come across as harsh but we do feel your anger, sorrow, disgust. Sexual assault is horrible and it can take many years to work thru with a good therapist . But there are newer ways of dealing with trauma and you may consider these instead. Don't give in, push ahead. A therapist will help you with healthy thinking patterns which it seems this might benefit you.

Thanks

I’m kind of unclear if it’s a therapy issue, like for example you have mentioned your ex-husband and a young waiter and maybe something about men. I think other women here have mentioned a bad series of events or repeated events and so on. I imagine that you and others are just frustrated and looking for a release and community support.

But like imagine what it would be like if when you released frustrations, people questioned your possible attraction to young waiters or your hatred of men where you work or what you might have done wrong or what is driving you to be around men or whatever else

Like I just mentioned sexual assault in college to nurse practioner and he assumed that I sexually assaulted someone in college. I tried to explain to other guy where I am trying to get in and he assumed that I had sexual orientation confusion. Things so instantly go to everything but simple wrongs occurred and I have a right to be upset

And then there is nowhere to turn. Like I have tried psychs, I have tried online support boards, and there is always an assumption that something else is at play. And people misunderstand everything

Like situation with last roommate resulted in me being homeless and him later committing suicide. I literally filled up his entire place with things to sell online so we could be free to trade financial markets. But strange things happened once I moved in, plus there was his valid complaint about messiness, but I was cut off from help and advice for this issue due to all the assumptions from previous sexual assault issues. So he wanted me out so someone who might love him might move in. So then I start smoking again and started drinking to deal with stress, all sorts of bizarre things while homeless, then because ex-girlfriends family knew I had been homeless and both her millionaire grandfathers had just died there was suspicion about me pushing her to get rid of me, but I do not know how to explain things because it sounds bizarre or like dangerous hate when I try. Then she was best man at her gay friends wedding and person she talked to most is very, very liberal, so she tries to explain and they just see hate. Then I fight for years to get adhd medication because psychs seem to assume real issue is either sexual assault trauma or find my life history distasteful. So I try to get help on online boards and get kicked off for hating gays or trolling. And so on

And my entire strategy with wanting to trade the market is to ge rich off of short term plummets using complex option set ups such as happened during virus outbreak, but I can’t do this first because of roommate situation, then because of judgements and blaming from ex-girlfriends family and friends for roommate issue and other sexual assault issues and so on

Very, very, very basic things get turned into what feels like gangs of people against me and consequences and punishments, which then seem to take away everything from me

People don’t understand, I just wanted to know that roommate was gay before I organized my life around him in every way. I don’t care if he was gay, and I kept trying to talk him out of things including suicide even after he revealed he was gay. I just wanted to be left alone to trade stock market and then have acceptance for my predicament after he kicked me out, but since it all sounds strange or like hate, my ex-girlfriends family and friends piled on against me, so now my last chance to have a nice wife and family is gone as well as endless other losses.

Like it’s actually repeatedly this issue taking things away from me.

 

[Jumpback]

It seems like we may come across as harsh but we do feel your anger, sorrow, disgust. Sexual assault is horrible and it can take many years to work thru with a good therapist . But there are newer ways of dealing with trauma and you may consider these instead. Don't give in, push ahead. A therapist will help you with healthy thinking patterns which it seems this might benefit you.

Like I can’t remember exactly what you said, but there was something about you quitting a job because no one would believe you that younger guy was sexually harassing you, or something along these lines

That’s what this issue has consistantly felt like. No one gets it or just truly believes me, and if I let down my guard I am going to get accused of the equivalent of having delusions about young waiters or something. So it’s like me against the world.

 

[Aspychata]

Self Therapy: The internal family systems model

Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy offers a valuable model which identifies three common categories of parts of the psyche: exiles, managers, and firefighters. Exiles carry the burdens of trauma including the emotions and memories. Managers work to stay in control of vulnerable feelings often by working hard or manifesting as a relentless inner critic. Firefighters “act out” with addictions or self-harming behaviors in order to prevent exiles from emerging. A primary goal of IFS therapy is to help you develop a relationship with the Self—which Richard Schwartz describes as the confident and compassionate core of the individual that can serve as a source of wisdom.

Self-Therapy for Anxiety and Depression (incl Questions + PDF)

I have one more happy member- denial guy. He is very effective if you are wading in full time BS. lol He constantly tells me the world is not full of extreme idiots practicing idiocy. We have an internal argument going on this exact subject. I will win in 5 more years. He is my bestie. If he was real l would marry him. l guess l feel l am finally on the spectrum.

 

[Jumpback]

Has it occurred to you that maybe the reason people think you are full of hate and have sexual assault trauma is because you keep going on and on and on about it? The way you write, the irrelevant details you repeatedly bring up (e.g. individuals race and religion), and how you seem to manage to bring every topic around to the topic of gay people doing bad things comes across as pretty hateful.

Maybe think of it like other thread where people are going on and on about wrong planet. Or other threads where people complain about wrong planet. People are doing this because they are very frustrated and feel like they were treated unfairly and are trying to speak out against injustice.

There is no hate against wrong planet

And so on.

But when people go on and on about wrong planet they get community support and their internal frustrations and outrages are supported, and maybe they can let go of their frustrations.

But with this issue, a lot of people and online boards are along the lines of wrong planet, even some professional psychs are along the lines of wrong planet.

I am not gay or black or Jewish or a woman, so I have no safe group support social advocacy group support anywhere for what I feel like are injustices. I can not join an advocacy group or really speak openly about my real world frustrations without the fear of being accused of something

And this just makes it feel like it’s me against the world or something and makes me want to talk about it more. I don’t exactly know why, maybe I’m trying to find community support somewhere or testing potential communities to find out if they might be safe by way of not accusing me of things or something.

Like if people felt they were treated fairly on wrong planet, there would be no threads and repeated mentions of wrong planet. I doubt I would be interested in this subject at all, let alone want to talk about it if I felt I was treated fairly and my internal frustrations had received validation. But people release their frustrations about wrong planet here and get support and are externally validated and they can move on

 

[Jumpback]

His pain has manifested as hatred toward gay men.

your attitudes toward races and homosexuality, and blaming everyone except yourself for your problems.

I’m not trying to give you guys a hard time and I appreciate other input, but the fact that you guys mentioned these things and others agreed is sort of what drives this

Like the assumption that there is some problem with hatred or problems with me or things terrible about me or I might at fault it actually offensive to me and it makes me scared to trust society when people agree with such things. And this site is nothing like wrong planet and other places or even with some psychs and so on where I would just be immediately punished for saying anything

Like the issue is caused by acceptance and tolerance and I don’t hate gay men, I am frustrated that very simple things become immensely political complicated things where people seem to search for what I have done wrong or what is wrong with me or my evilness for very obvious things. What it feels like is a woman being accused of dressing sexy or leading men on or whatever else as the actual reason behind sexual assaults and what she might be up to her hatred of men for accusing oppressed men or whatever nonsense, or if she gets outraged about this resulting in potentially getting accused of even more things, like women’s rights activists have penis envy or whatever. I am just saying that’s what things feel like. Like people searching for fault with me or actually punishing me drives more and more outrage and makes me more embattled and want to talk about it moreand results in me never feeling safe and secure in any community and that no one will be upset for me, everyone will be upset against me and I must stay in battle mode against others who will turn against me and might gang up on me at any moment.


Like minor sexual assault issues are literally just worse in certain gay communities such as gay bars, than they are in straight communities, and actually a lot worse. This is just a fact, it’s not political or hatred is at play or anything else. Like you take women out of the equation and guys who are just more sexually straightforward and grabby just engage in more straightforward things.

How Gay Men Normalize Sexual Assault

Like, my head is not confused on it’s own. Like I started getting bullied in junior high and then through high th school, so somehow I assumed issue was stupid rednecks, so I become very liberal. But then gay couple sexually assault me after I had been drinking. And it was especially frustrating because I had repeatedly been telling one gay guy, who happened to be black, that I did not want him sitting on my lap, and so. It felt like since he couldn’t pressure me into sex, he just waited until I was in a compromised position and then bring his boyfriend to sexually assault me

Like things were not actually confusing, thing happened, there were lots of indirect witnesses, gay couple even admitted that it happened, though I suspect with explanations about drugs being involved. It was just not complicated

What I feel like is like since everything was so straightforward and obvious, if I was a woman, there would have been outrage and social support and help with pressing charges and understanding and the very obvious problem could be closed and done with. Then I could have moved on to real problems I was having like adhd and asd

But what actually happened was threats of violence for being upset from my social group, absolute disinterest from gay, gay advocate counselor I was assigned at university counseling. Then heterosexual roommates making fun of me for partying with gays, then psychs trying to figure out if real issue was repressed homosexuality or whether my anger made me a danger, eventually culminating in hospitalization where there was still no sympathy or support, and then being told my brain had severe chemical imbalances. Absolutely zero sympathy or support, just searching for what the real issue was

And so on

Then this took away any chance of getting help for real issues like adhd and ASD, continually. I had to fight forever to just receive adhd medication due to assumptions real issues were what psychs initially diagnosed me with

Then all the non support after all the previous bullying as well as all the assumptions against me resulted in me feeling I had no rights as a human being, like people could do whatever they wanted and no one would care. Then also so many proclamations of things wrong with me that I gave up hope that I could ever have a normal life and I should never have children because I was too mentally disturbed to breed

Then this also resulted in me looking for support from guy who was raped as a child because maybe he might actually understand, but then he decided that this has “made him gay” and he was in love with me and he banned women I liked from apartment and I had to physically fight him off, and on and on. And there was grooming and other issues, but all this really just resulted from me being so beat down from initial sexual assault somehow being found to prove things about me

——

Like things don’t actually have to become complicated. Like if a woman is sexually assaulted, the real issue not that she was dressing sexy or was leading the guy on or hates men or has repressed penis envy and has things wrong with a brain and so on. If the issue is just addressed without adding in nonsense about the victim it might not actually be a very big deal

 

[Jumpback]

your attitudes toward races and homosexuality, and blaming everyone except yourself for your problems.

There is a Duke Lacrosse team case where black female stripper accused white lacrosse students of raping, beating and choking her. She was immediately believed. A couple of the lacrosse players were arrested for rape, sexual assault and kidnapping.

Media took up the case as outrage against white priledge and so on and demanded justice. The fact that stripper had been prwviously arrested for stealing a taxi and trying to run over a police officer was completely ignored

Eventually it came out the stripper was just making everything up and lying, and she is currently in prison for murdering her boyfriend

But the white Duke Lacrosse players had to fight to prove that they didn’t rape and beat and choke an oppressed female black stripper. If they did nothing, they would be in jail right now, probably getting tormented in jail for their evil racism against black people

Like google Crystal Mangum, I am not making this up.

This is sort of what I feel like, since my realities are uncomfortable, I jus must be guilty of something. But I have no lawyers or due process or anything. I have no one on my side supporting me that gay couple sexially assaulting me isn’t actually about things wrong with me or terrible about me or repressed things or secret things and so on. There is a secret reason why sexual assault issues upset me, then I am tried judged and punished for this, and then I am completely on my own against everyone for outrage against accusations and punishments and things being taken away and for others messing up my head for accusing the victim and so on. At least this is *how I feel*

Like I don’t even feel like outrage against women getting accused of dressing sexy to explain sexual assaults, I feel like issue is more like women getting sexually assaulted proves penis envy and lesbianism and hatred of men

 

[Jumpback]

how you seem to manage to bring every topic around to the topic of gay people doing bad things comes across as pretty hateful.

His pain has manifested as hatred toward gay men.

your attitudes toward races and homosexuality,

I think that I am scared of society in general, because it cannot be trusted to not gang up on me for having an adult life inconvenient to gay advocacy and these quotes plus all the likes just makes me even more scared and feel even more embattled to speak out against injustices committed against me and the massive loss of my life’s opportunities for being an accused victim. Like it is just always going to be me against the world, and there is no hope of societal acceptance and I will always somehow be accused of something, so it is very dangerous to not stay in angry battle mode.

People just do not understand, like in college I was finally starting to escape from bullying from the ages of 12 to 17 in school and I was doing a lot better, I just needed for very obvious sexual assault to actually be treated like a sexual assault and not about politics that my entire social group and gay, gay advocate university counselor and psychs were devoted to. Like there is no hatred, even after these things I was talked into going to a gay bar and encountered female psych Inwas assigned in the male bathroom of gay bar because her gay friends pushed her in there

It’s completely a minority and majority and hate issue since liberal gay advocates absolutely dominate psych research and psych profession in general, but then I am just absolutely clueless kid from the country who even got endlessly bullied by rednecks because I did not even know how to deal with them. So how am I supposed to make sense of how most obvious sexual assukt imaginable with lots of witnesses, with even gay couple admitting it happened must be about my repressed things and my disorders and potential dangers and my malfunctioning brain, after other gay advocates in my social group had ganged up on me and threatened violence, which eventually did occur

The basic issues from first sexual assUkt are obvious beyond belief and the actual sexual assault trauma was not that severe and it was just not confusing or complicating to me. But there was like a wall of people, who were gay advocates, finding excuses to accuse me of things and gang up on me

I had no idea what was going on. I just was trying to find my place in the world and be nice to oppressed people

 

[Jumpback]

you seem to manage to bring every topic around to the topic of gay people doing bad things comes across as pretty hateful.

His pain has manifested as hatred toward gay men.

your attitudes toward races and homosexuality,

I kind of feel like if people view things through mistreatment on wrong planet and why there is a threads about this and repeated mention of this, my things might make more sense

My entire social group in college had one political belief system, psychs I was assigned had one political belief system, my ex-gf was best man at her gay friends wedding and so on, then social messages are in one direction, so to girlfriends family me being homeless because of this issue sounded very suspicious or like hate. And so on and so on.

People are just not upset about wrong planet because they are filled with hate against many things or their questioning the dominant powers who punished them unfairly because they have hate or have secret motivations and obsessions and delusions and endless things terrible about them against wrong planet, and being upset with wrong planet does not prove that they might have even more things terrible about them. People are just upset because they were treated unfairly, there just is no secret thing or the victim being at fault or hateful motivation about being outraged, A just equals A.

But when one is a complete social misfit who has years of bullying, and just has no idea what is going on or what the rules are, being held accountable or somehow secretly at fault or mentally malfunctioning or whatever else and so on about victims part in sexual assault and so on, really messes up victims head. Especially when victim is not only young but also clueless about how to deal with people in any way.

Like on wrong planet, people get treated unfairly and then punished for being treated unfairly and gain community support and acceptance and the issue is over. But imagine what it might be like if complaining about mistreatment on wrong planet proves endless things terrible about the person who felt that they were treated badly and opposing these proclamations and punishments somehow manages to prove even more terrible things about the person and even more hatred of wrong planet and so on, which results in even more proclamations against the person upset about wrong planet and they have hatred of wrong planet, then other people agree that real issue is that person needs to ge therapy for things resulting from their misdirected hatred towards wrong planet

I mean my things are just simple and straightforward, very obvious sexual assault issues and so on. Things are actually not complicated in general or in my head until others turn very simple things into endless other things.

 

[Jumpback]

Self Therapy: The internal family systems model

Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy offers a valuable model which identifies three common categories of parts of the psyche: exiles, managers, and firefighters. Exiles carry the burdens of trauma including the emotions and memories. Managers work to stay in control of vulnerable feelings often by working hard or manifesting as a relentless inner critic. Firefighters “act out” with addictions or self-harming behaviors in order to prevent exiles from emerging. A primary goal of IFS therapy is to help you develop a relationship with the Self—which Richard Schwartz describes as the confident and compassionate core of the individual that can serve as a source of wisdom.

Self-Therapy for Anxiety and Depression (incl Questions + PDF)

Thanks for this. I watched the video and need to read the link.