Age gaps in relationships

[Primrose]

Curious about your thoughts on age gaps in relationships.

Is there a maximum age gap you think is acceptable?

Have you had any relationships with a significant age difference and did the age difference become an issue?

 

[Raggamuffin]

My folks are 13 years apart and married for 50 years.

Biggest age gap for me was 4 years. Probably wouldn't have been as big an issue later in life, but when you're in uni and dating someone in college - they quickly started to seem quite immature, and needless to say it didn't last very long.

Truth be told, I have always found older people easier to get along with, so perhaps in the future I may date someone who is older than me.

A friend of mine recently married a divorcee and the age gap there is about 20 years. He is the younger person in that relationship. Personally, my vibe of their relationship is a feeling like it won't last. But then again, that's just my belief - I don't know the in's and out's of the relationship.

They're the one's who asked me to fire staff at their wedding reception. It was the first time I'd ever met her, and her facial expression the moment she saw me was one of a man-eater. Unnerving.

Ed

 

[Neonatal RRT]

I am thinking there are a large amount of variables that play into this.
1. It may depend upon where on the intellectual and emotional "maturity curve" the two are on. A lot falls under this umbrella,...perspective taking, education, cultural upbringing, political and religious biases, personality profiles, etc. Regardless of chronological age, if there is a large enough gap, it's going to be a problem.
2. It may depend upon the physical age and health. If one simply can't "keep up" with the other, it's going to be a problem,...regardless of chronological age.

 

[SimonSays]

My second wife was 20 years younger (she was 36 when we married), but aside from some cultural differences (she an American, me a Brit) as @Neonatal RRT mentioned in his first point, she had a maturity about her that balanced things up.

It still didn't last mind, but I'd put that down to issues rather than ages.

 

[Primrose]

Something I've noticed is I often seem to get on better with people significantly older or younger than me. Sometimes I've even felt a strong attraction. Just don't know how a relationship like this would work out - over time would the younger person end up being a caregiver.

 

[SimonSays]

Just don't know how a relationship like this would work out - over time would the younger person end up being a caregiver.

Possibly. But that could happen as a result of an accident or illness no matter what ages you are. Love is love.

 

[Primrose]

Possibly. But that could happen as a result of an accident or illness no matter what ages you are. Love is love.

Yes, that is true. A man older than me wouldn't have a relationship with me when I was in my 20s and he was 50. He said it wouldn't be right. There was an amazing connection between us but he didn't want me to be his carer in the future. I felt very sad at the time. . Maybe he was right. I don't know.

 

[1ForAll]

I am 56. My wife is 39. I am more emotionally mature and functional than her. In terms of appearance, we both could cut off at least 20 years from our looks. She says she was always attracted to older guys. Perhaps it's because of her many needs partly, and her need for more stability in her partner.

 

[Primrose]

Well, Prim, you're still young, so I'd like to see you with a guy around your own age. Maybe no more than five years older, as teenagers and young men do mature slower than women. So sometimes when you're young a guy a few years older is more around your level, mentally.

Relationships with large age gaps can also be successful, and true love matches, that last a lifetime. But some older men may be corrupt, and only see your youth and beauty. In that instance, it's not a good situation.

I think it's more important to seek out any man's intentions, to be sure that he's not only after one thing, as that will end in heartbreak every time. I'm an old fashioned romantic, though, and I ask my own daughter to wait until marriage, and to make sure her love is also her best friend.

That's good advice you gave your daughter.

Thank you for sharing your wise words. I don't usually think of myself as being young these days, it is nice to read that.

 

[Tom]

Just from a pragmatic, looking at the averages viewpoint I don't think large age gaps is a good idea.

On top of the age gap you also have a life expectancy difference to consider. (USA shown for example)

Men 76.1 years
Women 81.1 years

The chance of being a caregiver or early widow are greater and also a difference in energy can effect what you can enjoy together.

That said it does seem to work sometimes. That is the couple seem happy with how things have worked out. Ultimately, what others think is not important.

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

I am three years older than my wife, only time I noticed was last week we went to a club which had a disco night. I was just slightly to old to enjoy this the first time around. It killed live bands not having a girlfriend at the time I had no dance partner I met her on the tail end of this trend she loves dancing and lived at the disco clubs we married in 1980 so I just missed. It only lasted for three years.
Sucks. The stroke took away the moves, through she still has it.

 

[Thinx]

I think it depends on the individuals. Anything can potentially work, depending on that. Age is only one variable, there's so many others. I think in my own relationships it's got less significant as I got older, initially the age gaps were small, but ultimately now there's a bigger age gap, but we're both so old we hardly notice it.

Actually I don't really notice aging, I'm still in jeans and T shirts and forgot to fully grow up, that I do connect to autism. I'm very mature and competent in certain non practical matters, but otherwise, forget it. I used to cope in a basic way, but my partner tends to prefer to do anything practical, as my standards are not high enough. I'm okay with the microwave and my gardening isn't bad.

 

[Slim Jim]

Usually short term things. Unless the two people in question , are absolute mad for the eachother. People do seem to be more comfortable within a narrow age range.

Spoiler

I'm personally not opposed to going out with anybody if I like them....even if people might question it. I'm pretty defiant, like that.I don't think it should be a barrier. If two people really like each other, shouldn't let insecurity or issues get in the way.

But such a situation ...It could get awkward though, just imagine you are a young male and have had a thing with a older woman, and then she talks to a relative, like say shes shopping, and asks about you, inquires about you, and your relatives have no idea what to make of it all. Because it was a fling you told nobody about. They might think she was crazy.

I will say this; age gap or no age gap. Imbalances aside. Most relationships doesn't last a past three year anyway, some not even 3 months. There are plenty studies out there...

 

[Ronald Zeeman]

WE are going on 43 years

 

[Luca]

I don't know if I really think age gaps are a big deal in relationships in general (within limits though, obviously!)
But personally, where I'm at in my life right now, I don't think I'd date anyone who was still in college (undergraduate), so like no one under 24-25, or anyone who was 35+. We would just be at completely different places in our lives.

 

[kingscross]

I think it really depends on the individuals. If I pursued a relationship with a man again I would want him to be older than me by several years at least. I'm in my 20s and have not had good experiences dating men my age.

 

[Shaddock]

minimum 18 years old. and 5 - 10 years older would be no problem for me. (when she would be older). I think the absolute maximum would be 40, because after that age women usually don´t feel attractive for me anymore (subjective).

I like it when the woman is adult (in the thinking/behavior) and women in my age were often too immature for me (but that changes when you get older).

but I can also be interested in a woman in my own age. or a bit younger (but 18 or older).

but it always depends on the specific person.

sadly most women like rather older men and not younger men, but like I said: it depends on the person.

when I would meet the "right" woman and we would like each other very much, then the age gap would be equal for both of us.

Sometimes I've even felt a strong attraction. Just don't know how a relationship like this would work out - over time would the younger person end up being a caregiver.

I would not enmesh in theorys. like "it would not work" or "it could not work." these are things you can´t know. the only important is "do you like a person?", "do you feel comfortable with him/her in your near?" and then maybe try it and you will see if it works. but I see the danger in trivializing, that someone could not try it because he would think like "it can not work because of the age gap" and misses his "dream partner" because of that. that would be really pity.

I think it always depends on the specific person and the age is mostly just a number and like Thinx said, there are many factors who should be considered.

and it´s never "wrong" or "weird" to be in a relationship with someone with age gap, when the other person and yourself is at least 18 years old.

I once made speed dating and I was disappointed because many women just refused me because of my age, not considering my personality or other factors. that felt very superficial and like they put me in a drawer, instead of looking on my personality or get into know me.

yeah could be that some men in my age are immature. but also some women in myage are immature. what does that predicate about me in person? nothing.

it feels really bad to be trivialized and putted in a drawer, instead of being respected as an unique person. we are not numbers, we are unique persons.

 

[Shevek]

I think we should try to have friends of all ages, but the classical formula for the minimum age for a life partner is half your age plus seven years.

 

[Jeepcarpenter]

Friends I have no problem of any age, as long as it is still geared as an appropriate relationship.. but love interests.. I have trouble entertaining outside of ten years in either direction.. basing that on different periods of life though that is still experiencing differently from person to person. I think the main issue I have is just prior to 18.. I was devastated and felt like I was a pedophile finding out 3 weeks in at the age of 19 that I had just established a relationship with a then -almost- 16yo.. I know that sounds rather horrible, or at least I imagine it does.. but it was under false pretences of 17yo for the both of us, both each having been out up to a blind date by each’s corresponding good friend, working through a few social circles outside of our own because “we reminded many people of the other.”. It was only 3 1/2 years difference and they weren’t wrong, 20 years later and after many intrinsic highs and devastating lows along the way we are still together, whilst still looking at the beginnings in animosity.. even 18 isn’t a solid number to me but I know before then (and even long after sometimes) it can be hard to even know ones true self let alone what is wanted or sought.. I believe in learning, in trying and in making mistakes.. but I still believe youth should still be regarded with innocence and serious relations left to times where more is known.. but then that probably conveys to be aimlessly active in pursuits.. no, I believe it does the same and just varies person to person like mental age and as young as you feel mentality.. I can’t imagine developing a decent relationship with someone and being off out by their age, younger or older just the same as their gender or race.. I would just hope to adapt best to what would be had of it.