I'm not sure she is relationship material, I don't have a great deal of relationship experience but that's largely because I'm cautious and don't want to make mistakes, I'd rather miss opportunities than make a mistake.
It is our neurological tendency to think in black/white extremes; you mentioned one that is where I'd like to advise on. Now I totally get the "I'd rather miss opportunities than make a mistake" mentality but fortunately there may be a middle ground for you. I have also been known to say "I'd rather be alone than with the wrong person" which is similar to your own statement. However, if you have a girl that shows potential as well as red flags and you have the choice of pursuing or not, remember this: Trying is not the same thing as making a mistake.
You say you don't have a great deal of experience because you don't want to make mistakes. Well, here's a fact:
you are going to make mistakes as long as you are inexperienced which puts you in a paradox. Do not fear the leap of faith out of fear for the fall.
Set a note for yourself for what mistakes you are trying to avoid. You need to physically write a list of things you are willing to tolerate and things that you will not and should not compromise for. If you are not specific with this then you are setting yourself up for failure. You must know what you want to achieve and avoid, otherwise your fear will be too vague to counter. For example you may see tattoos and suicidal tendencies as both red flags but on a list you may say that tattoos are something you can get over and live with whereas you will not tolerate a suicidal person with codependency issues. Doing this is NOT unfair nor cruel, it is responsible and could save you from mistakes.
Real mistakes in relationships occur when someone compromises their values out of fear of separation.
I agree that red flags are important to note, that's why I would advise you to
watch your affections and commitments. This is the first mistake ALL guys make because they jump in headfirst with no pacing and they get too attached too quick. People too often say "guard your heart" but no one seems to really known what that means. It means do not give everything up all upfront! Pace yourself and make your intentions known and clear.
Do not be upfront about your concerns for red flags!
1: Early stages of relationships are not meant for heavy critiquing. You are still too strangers, don't be too hard on each other.
2: If you are too open about their red flags, out of fear of rejection or loneliness they will inevitably try to hide their red flags from you instead of fixing them. This is critically dangerous practice.
3: Time will tell all. Watch and observe but don't try to stir up trouble early on or fix things.
4: Discussing personal change to the depth of suicidal tendencies should be reserved for long standing, well established relationships with verbally agreed upon open boundaries. I.e. She needs to trust you and give you permission to speak into such things before you can actually bring them up.
5: The only person that can change you is yourself. This applies to everyone which means you can't change her. So don't try to fix her... ever. If and when she wants to fix herself, she may welcome you as support but do not rush or force this.
Remember that even if someone says
"it's okay, you can say anything" or
"you can ask anything" or
"I've got nothing to hide" doesn't mean you are free to start bringing up some of this stuff. Life lesson:
People lie to themselves more than they do to others. A person may believe they are open to discuss things like suicide or rape or whatever but I promise you that unless they are 100% genuine, you will always find them erupting into a whirlwind of rage and defensive emotions. Do not do this until you both trust each other.
Trust is not something that should be demanded. It should not be freely or quickly given. You don't owe anyone trust. Trust must be earned over time and can easily be broken so take it seriously. Do not offer up trust to her too soon.
Learn to enjoy the early stages. It's not all about life and death mistakes of horrible hellish regret. Enjoy a little bit of company for crying out loud and don't get carried away.
It is only a real worry if you are finding yourself getting attached to the point where you cannot detach if necessary. You and she need to go into a new relationship with the thought that you may have to get out. Do not buy into any advice that says "you have to give it your all and forget about leaving the relationship" because it is not applicable to new relationships. That kind of thinking is out of context and taken from the idea that "you shouldn't go into marriage with plans prepared for divorce because you are setting yourself up for failure" which is also a load of crap. You go in with your feelers out probing and observing and you keep an exit available in your mind. This is why I said at the very beginning to list out your ideas of mistakes.
Treat a woman with respect and dignity and do not push her into anything. If you behave morally and things still don't work out, you get experience with few mistakes. Remember:
Sometimes two people just don't work out, there doesn't have to be a bad guy, there doesn't have to be major mistakes. If you do right by her and she by you and things don't work out, that's okay.
Good luck!
