Advice Appreciated

[VictorR]

Thank you for your reply! I understand that being hurt makes it difficult to let people into your life. I think I am responsible for hurt here, but it has been unintentionally. Often a reaction to what I have interpreted as him hurting me.

I see how cleaning up messes from broken relationships makes you vary, because some of them really are ugly. In this period of heart break I have really wondered whether the good times was worth the long period of sadness that followed. But I think my conclusion is that it has been worth it. I see that this affects your initiative, and I do think that is the reasons why he keeps away from initiative now. But can I ask, have you ever experienced someone taking initiative and you not wanting them to? As I mentioned, I am really scared that he is trying to send a signal that he does not want any contact and that I am not picking it up. I really do not want to cause him any more stress than I already have.

I hope you get what you want in life. Maybe you should think that since you are so used to cleaning up peoples messes after failed relationships, you have extra tools to avoid getting in that situation yourself? <3

I have to say that some of my more complex relationships are with other neurodiverse individuals, specifically, ones who don't realize that they're neurodiverse, since that heightens the possibility of unintentional offense both ways.

In regards to your question, no. That's likely due to the fact that I'm pretty quirky, and when someone talks to me and gets a drawn out narrative, and actually appreciates that (rather than a "quick answer"). Rare are such people and so I appreciate them when they assure me that they're not just being polite, but that they do like me for who I am. I'm always happy to have people to talk to.

Thank you for your kind words and wishes. I think I just don't really know where to start, or if I'm ready.
I hope perhaps that maybe it'll be similar to the story that Dr. Attwood uses at the start and end of his Complete Guide to Aspeger's Syndrome

There was some office gossip about Jack. He was in his early thirties, lived at home with his parents, and had a close friend he sometimes talked about, Alicia, whom he had met when he was at primary school. He had a relative small circle of friends at work but apparently had never had a long-term relationship. He had dedicated himself to his research and seemed uncomfortable at social occasions such as the Christmas party, last year staying for only 20 minutes... But just over six months ago, a new personal assistant was appointed for the company accountant. She was a single mother with two teenage children and was very popular for her ability to make people feel relaxed in her company, and amazed everyone by how efficiently she organized the accountant's diary. She met Jack when he handed her his monthly expenses sheet, and from that day both their lives were transformed. They were planning to get married next month...

 

[Stardust Parade]

How are we supposed to know?

 

[Gift2humanity]

Hi Again 123Timmeti456, I copied all of your posts and am answering them as you have written.
Do you want to move to the place he wants to live for the right reasons? If you think it's too early, can you reassure him how you feel about him and politely say you need more time?
You say if you were meant to be, you would move there, that has to be your decision.

Some Aspies are very practical, logical and straight forward, and as this is a very important thing for him, if you do love him and want to be him, reassure him as some of us are prone to anxiety, I don't like uncertainty, bad news or good news regarding relationships, I would rather hear the truth.
As an Aspie I am all for talking things out so that we both know where we stand.

We can seem rather intense.
Regarding not explaining the break up, you now know.

He sounds very sensitive, I am not good at dealing with stress.

You are welcome about the sources for research.

I don't work anymore.

I'd have liked my diagnosis earlier but I did drugs which clouded previous assessments and in the meantime I have made errors which have complicated my life.

Your research may be limited, but you can always research more, learning is good. Remember the lady I went to school with, it takes time, she is happily married to an Aspie.

I have difficulty understanding how people feel, I feel their feelings but don't understand them, ie they affect me emotionally but I dont know why.

It's taken me a long time to know what love is, when younger I mistook manipulation for love.
Same with friendship.
From what you write, it sounds as if you both want each other in each other's lives, continue researching, talk to him, sense when he is overloaded. You will get to understand each other.

Your hurt was unintentional, its important he knows that.

Hopefully you can avoid bad misunderstandings if you are both willing to talk things out.

Yes I have experienced as a woman, men coming on to me. I'm not very good with that, even an accquaintance could see me struggling in a pub once.

What makes you think that he does not want any contact and why do you think you are not picking it up?

It's important that you tell him you really do not want to cause him any more stress than I already have.

I've been single for ages.

Tell him you like him but dont want to come across as pushy. It's not healthy to want someone to be obsessed with you, obsession is a red flag, talking things out is best.

Maybe let him know how you feel about his not taking initiative. I feel like I am repeating myself just for you both to talk things out frankly.

As an Aspie, I cannot speak for other aspies as we are all different.

 

[123Timmeti456]

Hi Again 123Timmeti456, I copied all of your posts and am answering them as you have written.
Do you want to move to the place he wants to live for the right reasons? If you think it's too early, can you reassure him how you feel about him and politely say you need more time?
You say if you were meant to be, you would move there, that has to be your decision.

Some Aspies are very practical, logical and straight forward, and as this is a very important thing for him, if you do love him and want to be him, reassure him as some of us are prone to anxiety, I don't like uncertainty, bad news or good news regarding relationships, I would rather hear the truth.
As an Aspie I am all for talking things out so that we both know where we stand.

We can seem rather intense.
Regarding not explaining the break up, you now know.

He sounds very sensitive, I am not good at dealing with stress.

You are welcome about the sources for research.

I don't work anymore.

I'd have liked my diagnosis earlier but I did drugs which clouded previous assessments and in the meantime I have made errors which have complicated my life.

Your research may be limited, but you can always research more, learning is good. Remember the lady I went to school with, it takes time, she is happily married to an Aspie.

I have difficulty understanding how people feel, I feel their feelings but don't understand them, ie they affect me emotionally but I dont know why.

It's taken me a long time to know what love is, when younger I mistook manipulation for love.
Same with friendship.
From what you write, it sounds as if you both want each other in each other's lives, continue researching, talk to him, sense when he is overloaded. You will get to understand each other.

Your hurt was unintentional, its important he knows that.

Hopefully you can avoid bad misunderstandings if you are both willing to talk things out.

Yes I have experienced as a woman, men coming on to me. I'm not very good with that, even an accquaintance could see me struggling in a pub once.

What makes you think that he does not want any contact and why do you think you are not picking it up?

It's important that you tell him you really do not want to cause him any more stress than I already have.

I've been single for ages.

Tell him you like him but dont want to come across as pushy. It's not healthy to want someone to be obsessed with you, obsession is a red flag, talking things out is best.

Maybe let him know how you feel about his not taking initiative. I feel like I am repeating myself just for you both to talk things out frankly.

As an Aspie, I cannot speak for other aspies as we are all different.

Again, thank you! I want to underline that I in no way want him to be obsessed with me. I think he was initially, but the seasons for one of his special interests began in the middle of us dating, and the obsession towards me faded. I asked about obsession because I wonder if, when they do happen and fade, is it possible that one thinks that means that the feelings faded? Maybe someone who had obsessions with other people will be able to answer this?

You give such great advice, and I really will do my best to follow them. Since I last wrote, we have had some contact on social media, initiated by the both of us. But not a lot. I had decided to ask him out for a friendly dinner, but the part of me that is scared of rejection has kept me away from doing it. My psychologist has a really long vacation, so I will bring this up with her when she is back. It is a combination of my own fear of rejection coupled with the fear of putting him in an uncomfortable position (if he actually does not want to meet me) that keeps me from doing it. Which is quite sad.

What makes me think that he does not want any contact, and that I am missing signals is probably the same reasons as those mentioned in the previous paragraph. Also the fact that he rarely initiates contact now. On the one hand I understand that he does not, I would probably refrain from it if I was him. On the other hand I think that if he really wanted to be with me, he would let me know.

I also think the reason why I am so desperate for advice is that this is my first relationship, my first time falling in love. I don't have many people in real life to talk to, so again I really appreciate all of you for taking your time <3

 

[123Timmeti456]

How are we supposed to know?

you are not. I am not asking for answer, I am asking for advice.

 

[Gift2humanity]

Again, thank you! I want to underline that I in no way want him to be obsessed with me. I think he was initially, but the seasons for one of his special interests began in the middle of us dating, and the obsession towards me faded. I asked about obsession because I wonder if, when they do happen and fade, is it possible that one thinks that means that the feelings faded? Maybe someone who had obsessions with other people will be able to answer this?

You give such great advice, and I really will do my best to follow them. Since I last wrote, we have had some contact on social media, initiated by the both of us. But not a lot. I had decided to ask him out for a friendly dinner, but the part of me that is scared of rejection has kept me away from doing it. My psychologist has a really long vacation, so I will bring this up with her when she is back. It is a combination of my own fear of rejection coupled with the fear of putting him in an uncomfortable position (if he actually does not want to meet me) that keeps me from doing it. Which is quite sad.

What makes me think that he does not want any contact, and that I am missing signals is probably the same reasons as those mentioned in the previous paragraph. Also the fact that he rarely initiates contact now. On the one hand I understand that he does not, I would probably refrain from it if I was him. On the other hand I think that if he really wanted to be with me, he would let me know.

I also think the reason why I am so desperate for advice is that this is my first relationship, my first time falling in love. I don't have many people in real life to talk to, so again I really appreciate all of you for taking your time <3

Some of us Aspies can become obsessive, not in a stalkerish sinister way like narcissists, more in a socially awkward way but benign.

I can only speak for myself, if I was infatuated with someone, it wouldn't go until it was replaced by another person, but this in no way means I think the same of the person in your life.

Maybe look into the origins of your own fears of rejection? Important - when doing so be kind to yourself.

Maybe mention you don't want to put him in an uncomfortable position but would he like a friendly dinner?

He might have his own reasons for rarely initiating contact, he seems pleased from your previous posts, that you initiated contact with him.

We can ruminate about things and this can be really hard on us.

I would just be really clear and make him as comfortable as possible. You deserve respect as well.