Adapting to being single for life

[oregano]

I didn't mean that all guys who women shy away from are "creeps" and/or have issues that can be "fixed". I meant that if a guy is unattractive to all women, then there is something about him that repulses them. It may be fixable, it may not be. If a guy is seen as physically "ugly" by women, it is possible that he could do something as simple as lose weight, or he may have, say, facial features that women don't like. Regardless of whether the issue is in his control, the fact remains that it is him and not them. I didn't mean to be judgmental, just that women are naturally attracted to some guys and naturally repulsed by others. If all women are repulsed by you, and the issue is out of your control, then celibacy is pretty much your only option.

 

[zurb]

To be honest, not until your are able to accept being single is anyone ready for a relationship anyway.
Relationships built on desperation, dependency, or ‘what can I get out of it’ are all doomed from the start.
Desperation itself tends to drive away the potentials.

 

[AMANDA DESIREE WILSON]

Don't resign yourself to be single if you can! I have been alone all my life and it has almost killed me several times. There is an inherent desire for humans to be together. Unfortunately, not everyone has that opportunity. There are events in our lives, especially when we are young, that can mold us in certain ways. Some people have gone through terrible events when they were younger and unfortunately have problems trusting others.

Never stop trying. You are young. You have a whole life ahead of you. Somewhere there is someone out there like you seeking companionship. For me, there were two people. But because of my experiences and the severity of my Asperger's, I lost them. Now I am 62, overweight, have no teeth, and not exactly the catch of the day. However, I keep hoping to find someone I can love and be loved by. That is the hope we need to keep going.

Not only have I got Asperger's, but I also have OCD, Chronic Depression, PTSD, and to make matters even more interesting, I am transgendered. Yet I keep trying. To stop would mean to admit defeat.

My advice for what it is worth is just be yourself. Don't worry about what others think of you. Just don't give up.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

I am not fat, I am around 178 cm and 75 kg (5'10" and 165 lb). Both my mother and father got diagnosed with high blood pressure in their early 30s, and heart disease runs deep through both sides of the family. Even my doctor told me that especially with the severe stress, due to my family history no amount of exercise or eating healthily will reverse my blood pressure problem--I basically am on hypertension medication for life.

I cannot believe how you would wish that women ask you what your racial composition is. Here in San Francisco there is a definite preference for White men, so women usually are trying to subtly ask if you are White or not, or if you are mixed-race, how much White % is in your blood.

Two months ago on a date, a woman flat out asked me what my racial composition by percentage was, and where my parents and grandparents were from, and their own racial compositions. I decided to play along and give her the percentages, only for her at the end to tell me, "When I first met you, you looked like a, you know...like a Mexican." I am not sure how to interpret that statement, but to me I cannot see why racial composition is so important. She then said that she was "100% White European" with a mix of 25% Polish, 25% Italian, 25% English and 25% Scottish. I am not sure why i needed to know this.

To me, asking that gives me the impression that the person asking is some sort of Third Reich apologist or is trying to date asking the same questions that the census forms in Apartheid South Africa asked.

I didn't say you are fat, I said you need to eat healthier and work out. Plenty of people that are not overweight have heart issues due to bad diet or lifestyle. Just because you have genetic predisposition for high blood pressure doesn't mean you just take medication and give up, it means you need to perfect your diet so you can lower your blood pressure as much as possible. Even with the medication your arteries are still rotting from the inside out, high blood pressure is a symptom of a deeper underlying issue with your health, and the medication just fixes that one symptom.

If a woman would ask me what kind of racial composition I have then that means they are at the very least interested in something other than themselves. It is surprising because women here don't care about any of the important stuff such as genetics, and I never would've figured San Francisco to be the bulwark of the Women's society of eugenics. No matter how you put it, genetics matter and ignoring the origin of someone's DNA would not be smart.

If the 25/25/25/25 was particularly racist, she would not have gone on a date with a dude that appears Mexican to begin with. Perhaps you are feeling insecure about your heritage and women asking you about that turns up the heat psychologically, and therefore negatively interpreting what is nothing more than interest. Obviously you would need to know where someone's genetics come from if you want some sort of relationship with them. If you ignore that then perhaps that is one of the reasons things are going so badly. It also seems that your sexual/relationship history is in a similar boat. If someone I am on a date with would answer "None of your business" to that question, I would assume they are wasting my time. I wouldn't get angry as that is to be expected with people these days, but I certainly wouldn't waste any more time on such a person. If you are uncomfortable about your history and are worried about someone's reaction, then that is the problem. People are going to react badly to all sorts of things about you... someone will hate you for it. Are you going to never respond to any personal questions because someone out there might not like it? If so, then for what reason are you dating? To find a hole, any hole? The less you know the better? Obviously there is a time and place for things, you don't want to be hung on the strongest of branches or get a milkshake tossed in your face because you said too much too fast, but to say all uncomfortable questions are not allowed because they are uncomfortable is rather silly in the context of dating.

 

[Lundi]

I didn't say you are fat, I said you need to eat healthier and work out. Plenty of people that are not overweight have heart issues due to bad diet or lifestyle. Just because you have genetic predisposition for high blood pressure doesn't mean you just take medication and give up, it means you need to perfect your diet so you can lower your blood pressure as much as possible. Even with the medication your arteries are still rotting from the inside out, high blood pressure is a symptom of a deeper underlying issue with your health, and the medication just fixes that one symptom.

If a woman would ask me what kind of racial composition I have then that means they are at the very least interested in something other than themselves. It is surprising because women here don't care about any of the important stuff such as genetics, and I never would've figured San Francisco to be the bulwark of the Women's society of eugenics. No matter how you put it, genetics matter and ignoring the origin of someone's DNA would not be smart.

If the 25/25/25/25 was particularly racist, she would not have gone on a date with a dude that appears Mexican to begin with. Perhaps you are feeling insecure about your heritage and women asking you about that turns up the heat psychologically, and therefore negatively interpreting what is nothing more than interest. Obviously you would need to know where someone's genetics come from if you want some sort of relationship with them. If you ignore that then perhaps that is one of the reasons things are going so badly. It also seems that your sexual/relationship history is in a similar boat. If someone I am on a date with would answer "None of your business" to that question, I would assume they are wasting my time. I wouldn't get angry as that is to be expected with people these days, but I certainly wouldn't waste any more time on such a person. If you are uncomfortable about your history and are worried about someone's reaction, then that is the problem. People are going to react badly to all sorts of things about you...someone will hate you for it. Are you going to never respond to any personal questions because someone out there might not like it? If so, then for what reason are you dating?

I did about an hour of exercise a day like my doctor said, and I also adopted a Mediterranean diet (olive oil, fresh fish and meats, plenty of vegetables, low fat). Even then, when I was 27, my blood pressure was averaging 180/80 to 190/90. Obviously that is not good. But it is not like I just sat there. And then the stress that was screwing with me daily did not help one bit. The added stress of worrying about being single especially made my blood pressure spike. But right now with the medication, my blood pressure averages between 120/80 and 135/85. But how would women know about my blood pressure problems unless it comes up in conversation? Blood pressure would probably be even less common a topic than if they asked about my sexual history.

If I were asked about my racial composition only on a few occasions because the asker were genuinely interested about me, I would not have problems. However, I get asked this question way more than I should. As a kind of game I did a count. This year alone, I have been asked over 500 times at various meetups and events. I think that because I am very mixed-race, I have a "nondescript" look. People cannot put me into a racial box very easily because I do not have physical characteristics of just one group or one race, but rather, many.

San Francisco has a weird culture about race--no, it is not like there is eugenics here, but people often try to find out how much White percentage is in your blood. I find that quite odd, given that San Francisco should be the last place to give such credence to race. But in dating, it is possible that I am asked this question so that they find out how much White percent is in my blood. Obviously, the more the better, as dating statistics show. My White percentage is only 25-30%. Clearly not as much as that 100% White European woman who asked me.

But I still find this question bizarre. I mean, why ask about race? And then I get weird comments; when I explain my racial breakdown, they tell me, "But, are you really American?" or "You cannot possibly have been born here." What exactly are they hinting at? That because I am not a WASP that I cannot be an American? I really do not understand why I have to answer this if they are going to react this way. For the record, I have never, ever, asked a woman about her race or told her to give me the racial breakdown of her ethnicity. It just never occurs to me to ask something like that.

I just got back from my holiday in Europe, and from what I gather, people in Europe, especially those who had a fascist past (Germany, Italy, Spain, Portugal, Britain, etc.), asking someone what their race is a serious no-no. It is worse than asking how much they earn or what kind of underwear they are wearing. In my time in Germany and Portugal I asked some acquaintances about this, and they said that anyone who asks about race might as well next tattoo on their forehead that they are an extreme right-wing follower or just flat-out fascist. Even the Europeans whom I meet here in San Francisco during the European meetups say that they find it weird that they are asked about their race. They say that back home the only people who want to know the details about someone's race is someone from the extreme right-wing or fascist followers. So I am not the only one who finds this weird.

 

[megacomic]

That sounds like a good idea, but where I live (San Francisco) I simply have great difficulties in relating to people. Not only do I have problems relating to any women whom I meet here for dating, but I cannot make male friends here. Almost everyone whom I meet seems to have a completely different mindset and culture to my own. I basically have 0 close friends here. My only close friend is someone who went to the same primary and secondary school with me, and he moved out of San Francisco a decade ago due to being sick of the city. So I basically know no one here anymore, despite being in my own hometown.

I think that I could do this in Europe, where I just was on holiday and where people seemed to be more similar to me, but it will be at least a year before I could plausibly move there.

Happy Birthday! Also I live in SF as well. I'm a 28 year old who rarely dates and part of it is just the fast paced life of the Bay Area. People here are always on the go and if you don't impress them in the first 5 minutes they're onto something better or more interesting. When I lived in the Midwest the pace of life was much slower, people took more time to get to know each other, and the expectations in a relationship was a bit more realistic. In the Bay Area most people are type A hyper achievers with barely anytime on their hands and when they do have free time they are off traveling the world. In the Midwest you could just meet up for a pastry go for a walk around the lake and just sit in the grass talking about life. But here every where is crowded there's always some super expensive artisan restaurant and people are more flaky because it take forever to get anywhere. The dating culture her is just not conducive to long term meaningful relationships.

 

[Lundi]

Happy Birthday! Also I live in SF as well. I'm a 28 year old who rarely dates and part of it is just the fast paced life of the Bay Area. People here are always on the go and if you don't impress them in the first 5 minutes they're onto something better or more interesting. When I lived in the Midwest the pace of life was much slower, people took more time to get to know each other, and the expectations in a relationship was a bit more realistic. In the Bay Area most people are type A hyper achievers with barely anytime on their hands and when they do have free time they are off traveling the world. In the Midwest you could just meet up for a pastry go for a walk around the lake and just sit in the grass talking about life. But here every where is crowded there's always some super expensive artisan restaurant and people are more flaky because it take forever to get anywhere. The dating culture her is just not conducive to long term meaningful relationships.

Thank you. I am a San Franciscan born and bred, and SF now is nothing like it was when I was growing up. You more or less summed up how SF is. People are superficial and really lacking in manners and courtesy. My only male friend here is a guy from Minnesota who is having problems not only dating the women but also just relating to people here in general. He said that in Minnesota, dating was much more laid back and just easier in general. I cannot doubt that. I am not exaggerating that when I was in Portugal you could get dinner for two with wine and dessert included and still it would cost less than a main for just one person here in SF.

I do feel a certain sense of relief that it is not just I who feels this way, but rather large amounts of people. I thought that SF = everywhere else and that I was somehow doing something wrong without realising it. I may be doing some things wrong, but also people do not act like this in other parts of the world.

I did have a nice birthday, and the relationship stuff did enter my mind for a few seconds. But I am learning to not put so much emphasis on this too much.

 

[AloneNotLonely]

You have high blood pressure and tried eating meat, fat and oil. Exactly how did you think this would help?

Your idea about the motivation of people asking about race doesn't add up. First of all, SF is so progressive my skin would probably melt just from the sheer hubris in the air if I walked outside there. And women go on dates with Mexican looking dudes when their goal is supposedly finding a guy with the highest percentage of European DNA. I mean... these must be the world's most desperate women. Why wouldn't they go for a lily-white looking guy if they are looking for that? Obviously this is a kitten short of a full litter.

The crowning achievement of stupidity is probably "You couldn't be American" or "You couldn't have been born here". Holy crap. The whole frigging continent was filled with non-Europeans before they ever built progressive hellholes like SF, exactly how did they forget that? What about going to war all over the world and bringing back trophy refugees while at it, conveniently forgotten as well? And I know they did not forget the time we sold them all those Africans, because that's all they talk about these days. So.... do you just date extremely stupid women... or are they all like that over there?

And I can tell you never paid attention in history class either. Great Britain had a fascist past? When exactly?

Now I'm not an expert on Europeans... I mean I live in Europe but asking a Dutch guy what a German is like would likely get a response with a bad impression of German language, sometimes involving a hand in the air complete with goose stepping. But people here don't talk about race because... it's generally quite obvious. In the USA most people are mixed to begin with, often native. Someone saying they are 100% anything are likely sorely mistaken. In my country, people are either obviously mixed, foreign or 100% native. There's a few hidden ones around, often with a tiny part Indonesian, but in 99% of cases it's obvious. If you are ever in doubt or mistaken you will probably be told anyway. A Jew will likely tell you about being Jewish. A Greek will likely tell you about being Greek. It's like talking with a vegan, it comes up, even if you never ask.

When you do ask... nobody cares. It does put you at risk of being the person that asks questions that are way too personal. Similar to "Anyway, how is your sex life?". Or if it's really obvious to begin with, but you look more like an ignorant racist than a hateful racist though. Which is obviously worse. People here fear hateful racists, but ignorant racist means they just pity you. Or if you ask in a really weird way that only a progressive would, or act in a really weird way. You can easily spot the person that's too progressive even for other progressives when something like "Well in respect to your culture, how would your people do this?" is mentioned. That instantly makes even the secret Neo-nazi in the room ashamed to be European for a moment. And I will tell you that I have been in the presence of this WMD multiple times, it was like Hillary Clinton squared levels of cringe. But I was there, faced the sheer destruction of sanity... and survived. Thanks to forcing myself to watch cringe videos on youtube, I was able to make it back with my sanity. Others... however... were not so lucky. Thank you youtube... where would I be... without you?! Sorry... PTSD... anyway it's not a big deal... unless you are weird about it. But I think that goes for nearly everything.

 

[Lundi]

Alright, a lot to say here. I often get criticised for being blunt, but I will be blunt again. Despite Asperger's I can clearly see your thinly veiled passive-aggressive attempts at trying to make me look stupid. I saw it in your past couple posts and did not say anything, but now I will. What are you trying to accomplish doing that?

You have high blood pressure and tried eating meat, fat and oil. Exactly how did you think this would help?

Did you even read what I wrote? I said that I use the Mediterranean diet, with olive oil which is healthy and I even put "low-fat" explicitly in my explanation. I cut out gristle and pure fat from the meat. And who said that the only way to eat healthy was to become vegetarian/vegan? Billions of people eat meat (and fish and I said) and stay healthy.

Your idea about the motivation of people asking about race doesn't add up. First of all, SF is so progressive my skin would probably melt just from the sheer hubris in the air if I walked outside there. And women go on dates with Mexican looking dudes when their goal is supposedly finding a guy with the highest percentage of European DNA. I mean... these must be the world's most desperate women. Why wouldn't they go for a lily-white looking guy if they are looking for that? Obviously this is a kitten short of a full litter.

Now this is getting ridiculous. I can sense that you are a right-winger and are approaching this from that perspective, but what do you define as "progressive"? I will say this--I am an actual communist, but an oldschool one, you know--Marx, Lenin, Trotsky, the pre-1924 Soviet council system and the 1936 anarcho-communist model that was adopted in Barcelona and throughout Catalonia, Basque Country and Spanish provinces.

If we define progressive as "empowering the working class through empathetic economic policy", then San Francisco is not progressive, not one iota. It is an extreme libertarian capitalist city that is flooded with tech and finance people who have no care for the poor and working class people families who grew up here (like myself). Over 90% of people whom I met and continue to meet are people who talk about how poor people are poor of their own fault and that rich people deserve all their money. Or that rich people should not pay taxes, and that if they could, they would dodge taxes in offshore accounts. That homeless people are scum and deserve nothing. That working class people like myself deserve to be pushed out of the city and that rich tech people should take over our properties when we leave. How is this progressive? This sounds like a more extreme capitalist dystopia than any Deep South state like Texas or Mississippi could ever wish to be. Money is god and greed is good here in San Francisco.

And I can tell you never paid attention in history class either. Great Britain had a fascist past? When exactly?

I enjoy seeing yet another one of your passive-aggressive insults aimed at me, but have you heard of King Edward VIII being a Nazi sympathiser and his having to be exiled to the Bahamas because there was a serious possibility that he would make a truce with Hitler and therefore make the UK a quasi-ally of Nazi Germany? Or that Oswald Mosley was becoming popular amongst voters in 1940, especially since Southern England were quite sympathetic to Nazi Germany?

The crowning achievement of stupidity is probably "You couldn't be American" or "You couldn't have been born here". Holy crap. The whole frigging continent was filled with non-Europeans before they ever built progressive hellholes like SF, exactly how did they forget that? What about going to war all over the world and bringing back trophy refugees while at it, conveniently forgotten as well? And I know they did not forget the time we sold them all those Africans, because that's all they talk about these days. So.... do you just date extremely stupid women... or are they all like that over there?

I assume that you think the term "progressive hellhole" is unbiased, but you sound like you come from a very right-wing perspective. San Francisco would be considered a very right-wing, extremely capitalist city in worldwide terms. Put San Francisco and compare it with Barcelona, Athens, Lisbon, Oslo, Copenhagen and San Francisco would win the contest for being the most capitalist and the most right-wing city of that list. What it is, is a capitalist dystopic hellhole, not a "progressive" one. I cannot see how money money money and making six or seven figures and hating on poor people is considered "progressive".

I will say it again, as a communist (yes, a real one, not the Fox News boogeyman where they think that social democracy is communism), San Francisco is not left-wing at all, except in some social issues. Gay issues and some drug decriminalisation is not very left-wing; even Norway with their centre-right government have total drug decriminalisation. Universal healthcare and tuition-free university are not "left-wing"--all European countries have at least some extent of this, including very far-right countries. Even very right-wing Poland have universal healthcare free at the point of delivery, plus free university for all citizens--you would call their almost extreme right-wing government "progressive"?

And both men and women say this--as I said I have huge problems making male friends. I do get told that I cannot be born here in USA because I am not a WASP. I have been told that when they think of "American", they think of movies and TV shows where everyone is pure White. Obviously I am not Northern European with blonde-hair and blue eyes, but rather I have long, wavy brown hair and brown eyes. I do not "fit" into any racial box.

Now I'm not an expert on Europeans... I mean I live in Europe but asking a Dutch guy what a German is like would likely get a response with a bad impression of German language, sometimes involving a hand in the air complete with goose stepping. But people here don't talk about race because... it's generally quite obvious. In the USA most people are mixed to begin with, often native. Someone saying they are 100% anything are likely sorely mistaken. In my country, people are either obviously mixed, foreign or 100% native. There's a few hidden ones around, often with a tiny part Indonesian, but in 99% of cases it's obvious. If you are ever in doubt or mistaken you will probably be told anyway. A Jew will likely tell you about being Jewish. A Greek will likely tell you about being Greek. It's like talking with a vegan, it comes up, even if you never ask.

I do not know anywhere in Europe where I met people who were fine with being asked the breakdown of their racial composition by percentage. What is the point of this question, other than finding out what race the person is to then judge them thereafter?

When you do ask... nobody cares. It does put you at risk of being the person that asks questions that are way too personal. Similar to "Anyway, how is your sex life?". Or if it's really obvious to begin with, but you look more like an ignorant racist than a hateful racist though. Which is obviously worse. People here fear hateful racists, but ignorant racist means they just pity you. Or if you ask in a really weird way that only a progressive would, or act in a really weird way. You can easily spot the person that's too progressive even for other progressives when something like "Well in respect to your culture, how would your people do this?" is mentioned. That instantly makes even the secret Neo-nazi in the room ashamed to be European for a moment. And I will tell you that I have been in the presence of this WMD multiple times, it was like Hillary Clinton squared levels of cringe. But I was there, faced the sheer destruction of sanity... and survived. Thanks to forcing myself to watch cringe videos on youtube, I was able to make it back with my sanity. Others... however... were not so lucky. Thank you youtube... where would I be... without you?! Sorry... PTSD... anyway it's not a big deal... unless you are weird about it. But I think that goes for nearly everything

Again, this is ridiculous. You are seriously misinformed if you think that Hillary Clinton is progressive. She is the exact opposite of progressive--a neoliberal warmonger who is an elite and not for the working class. Against universal healthcare and free education. She is more right-wing than Thatcher. How do you get to these conclusions?

I do not understand why asking race is such a permissible thing. I never do this to anyone. And I do not know at all what you mean asking in a "progressive" way. What does that even mean? Where are you getting your news?

 

[tree]

REMINDER
For Political commentary, please use Politics Discussion

 

[Streetwise]

Following my very long first thread here about being single/virgin at almost age 30 (my 30th birthday is this Thursday), I was wondering about choosing to resign myself to be single for life. It is another path, but I was thinking about how I have a lot of quirks and difficulties that would make probably well over 95% of eligible women not want to have anything to do with me. In addition to Asperger's, I have generalised anxiety, social anxiety, OCD and can fall into depression when the situation changes.

As much as I want a girlfriend, I notice that I feel much less stress when I am alone and talk to no one. I do feel painfully and depressively lonely many times, but there is a certain calmness that I get when I am alone and do not have to worry about anyone else or about offending a girlfriend/wife. When I am alone, I can just be me, whether anyone approves of it or not.

Has anyone with ASD (or even without) considered resigning themselves to being single instead of trying hard to not be single and continuously failing?

I have the ‘Id like to talk’ then I do !,then i think ‘oh god this is uncomfortable how can I leave’!,a heterosexual relationship is hyperventilation !nothing else !,I want someone to be with me !so that will stop !the panic disorder.If I knew beyond panic disorder it would be astounding.