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Aching heart, crying mind

BrokenBoy

戯言使い(Nonsense User)
Last night I made the executive decision to quit pornography all together. But now I have to face the fact that I was using porn to run away from my lonely reality. I want to find another human being—preferably a middle aged man—and actually experience sexual contact rather than be codependent on a simulation of it.

The problem is that I'm physically unattractive and have horribad social skills. I'm so anxious at the possibility that there might only be unattractive people out available for me. This makes my heart ache and my mind cry out in despair. There doesn't seem to be a way out of this.
 
@BrokenBoy , You say that you do not have social skills, you do not mention if there are activity groups where interest and contributing takes precedence over social skills? I used Sierra Club outings to practice being social. Yet, I found that I needed to live independently in order to develop agency and learn how to advocate for my happiness. I did not date until I was 26, and had a short-lived relationship at 27, We were just not compatible. At 28 I was still a virgin and looking for a woman who enjoyed outdoor activities and ran into a woman who was desiring a man to do outdoor activities with. It was like we were connected by the red string of fate and despite our experiences in life we were destined to be together. It has been 45 years together

Learn to enjoy other people. Be accepting.
Take stock of your interests. These will make you an interesting person.
Learn social communication, including body language. Practice with people you know.
Become independent, target what interests you and earn a living wage: live independently.
Academics are not for everybody. There are trades that will train you, with living wages.
Act first and foremost to demonstrate your potential.
Be a mensch.

Please recognize that you are not alone in lying to yourself that you are ugly/undesirable. I told myself such lies when I was existentially lonely. I hurt myself terribly and that stopped my social maturity, but by 28 I matured and became a bit more sure of myself.
 
Last night I made the executive decision to quit pornography all together. But now I have to face the fact that I was using porn to run away from my lonely reality. I want to find another human being—preferably a middle aged man—and actually experience sexual contact rather than be codependent on a simulation of it.

The problem is that I'm physically unattractive and have horribad social skills. I'm so anxious at the possibility that there might only be unattractive people out available for me. This makes my heart ache and my mind cry out in despair. There doesn't seem to be a way out of this.
I think running away from reality is always harder than dealing with it right-off. I do not know how to deal with the whole matter of How to Gay. Please forgive my probable ignorance and awkward advice here as between deep-rooted asexuality & an equally ingrained Roman Catholicism I really don't have the qualifications to advise people on hook-up stuff and still have my doubts about all that sort of thing. Also, considering I am fairly unpleasant and probably couldn't score at an orgy, I'm the last person you'd want to take advice from anyway.

Attractiveness! -- That's something very dependent on the individual. You are not unattractive; you are (as your username says) broken. We are all broken, and life is varying degrees of destruction or kintsugi depends on who we surround ourselves with, the effort we put out, and the help we get from others. We're all ugly to somebody, and we're all appealing to someone as well. Now if you were really into pornography, the problem is that porn is going to have its own idea of who's attractive, and present that in an exaggerated fashion. This is, in my opinion, one of the failings of this--it tends to sensitize people to porn-standard beauty instead of setting it, as you would a sundial, to seeing the essential humanity of the self or others. Maybe the problem is really low self-esteem as more often than not that's why people think they are unattractive. And when they don't take care of themselves, they get looking pretty rough. And most people really don't want to be rejected, deep down inside this is probably the greatest fear for many.

Also--Is it sexual contact that you desire, or is it another intimacy (more heart to heart?) I am not interested in sex but I got into dating to find a lifelong companionship--and I think I have found it; I don't know what there is that is better. My advice is the same to anyone here--don't come off pornography and throw yourself right into looking for intercourse as there is a lot of risk of being sexually abused. This happens sometimes to women and men alike. The most difficult state of sexual life is being desperate and though you seem pretty competent with your executive decision here, I think taking time and being thoughtful about what, or who, is important.

You're in a vulnerable place and if there's anything any of us can do please let us know; I think you're going to make some progress in your life and please don't feel discouraged any more than already. It has got to be tough, sounds like. Let's find something we can improve for you here, ok? And I am impressed you make decisions. Some people do not really choose anything, & then wonder why life has passed them by.

(Edit: also you can definitely acquire social skills, but don't rush it, and when you mess up don't beat yourself up over it. Be around people who are generally more tolerant of the occasional social faux-pas and those are going to be nicer people anyway!)
 
Last night I made the executive decision to quit pornography all together. But now I have to face the fact that I was using porn to run away from my lonely reality.

That's how it goes with most addictions (I'm assuming an addiction, since you describe it like that; forgive me if I'm mistaken). People use addictions (drugs, alcohol, porn, games, whatever) to make a painful reality more tolerable. In the process, they make the situation worse, because addictions typically sap energy and motivation to handle the life problems that are causing the pain in the first place.

When you quit the addiction, it can be very painful, because all of the crap you were avoiding -- the "lonely reality" -- comes back up in your face.

What I'm trying to say is, what you're going through right now is part of the process of getting better. It probably doesn't feel like you're getting better, but you are. You are stopping the avoiding and facing your reality more squarely. That's a brave and difficult thing to do, so give yourself credit.

The good news is, you are now in a much better position to actually do something about it. You can put your efforts into changing that "lonely reality" to something more satisfying.

I'm not saying it's easy! It's not. It takes a lot of work and persistence. (That's why people gravitate to mood-altering addictions in the first place -- they are a heck of a lot easier, in the short run.) But you're in a good position now to tackle those problems.


The problem is that I'm physically unattractive and have horribad social skills. I'm so anxious at the possibility that there might only be unattractive people out available for me. This makes my heart ache and my mind cry out in despair. There doesn't seem to be a way out of this.

Seems like there are a lot of people on this forum who think they are ugly. I've been over that a couple of times, and I know other people have, too, so I won't repeat all that.

You can build social skills. This is one of those things that takes work and perseverance, especially if you're autistic. But it can be done. You are talking as if there is no hope, but there is hope.
 
You could use an app, show pic(s) of yourself, and you might get a hit. You can also try attending an lgbt bathhouse and intend to pay and stay overnight, and then walk around naked or only with a towel around you or in your underwear only. Depending on the place, may need cash.
 

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