Last night I made the executive decision to quit pornography all together. But now I have to face the fact that I was using porn to run away from my lonely reality. I want to find another human being—preferably a middle aged man—and actually experience sexual contact rather than be codependent on a simulation of it.
The problem is that I'm physically unattractive and have horribad social skills. I'm so anxious at the possibility that there might only be unattractive people out available for me. This makes my heart ache and my mind cry out in despair. There doesn't seem to be a way out of this.
I think running away from reality is always harder than dealing with it right-off. I do not know how to deal with the whole matter of How to Gay. Please forgive my probable ignorance and awkward advice here as between deep-rooted asexuality & an equally ingrained Roman Catholicism I really don't have the qualifications
to advise people on hook-up stuff and still have my doubts about all that sort of thing. Also, considering I am fairly unpleasant and probably couldn't score at an orgy, I'm the last person you'd want to take advice from anyway.
Attractiveness! -- That's something very dependent on the individual. You are not unattractive; you are (as your username says) broken. We are all broken, and life is varying degrees of destruction or kintsugi
depends on who we surround ourselves with, the effort we put out, and the help we get from others. We're all ugly to somebody, and we're all appealing to someone as well. Now if you were really into pornography, the problem is that porn is going to have its own idea of who's attractive, and present that in an exaggerated fashion. This is, in my opinion, one of the failings of this--it tends to sensitize people to porn-standard beauty instead of setting it, as you would a sundial, to seeing the essential humanity of the self or others. Maybe the problem is really low self-esteem
as more often than not that's why people think they are unattractive. And when they don't take care of themselves, they get looking pretty rough. And most people really don't want to be rejected, deep down inside this is probably the greatest fear for many.
Also--Is it sexual contact that you desire, or is it another intimacy (more heart to heart?) I am not interested in sex but I got into dating to find a lifelong companionship--and I think I have found it; I don't know what there is that is better. My advice is the same to anyone here--don't come off pornography and throw yourself right into looking for intercourse as there is a lot of risk of being sexually abused. This happens sometimes to women and men alike. The most difficult state of sexual life is being desperate
and though you seem pretty competent with your executive decision here, I think taking time and being thoughtful about what, or who, is important.
You're in a vulnerable place and if there's anything any of us can do please let us know; I think you're going to make some progress in your life and please don't feel discouraged any more than already. It has got to be tough, sounds like. Let's find something we can improve for you here, ok? And I am impressed you make decisions. Some people do not really choose anything, & then wonder why life has passed them by.
(Edit: also you can definitely acquire social skills, but don't rush it, and when you mess up don't beat yourself up over it. Be around people who are generally more tolerant of the occasional social faux-pas and those are going to be nicer people anyway!)