NefariousFox
New Member
I've come to a point where seeking an understanding to my plight is necessary. I've been burned out for months now, and have been in and out of a burned out depressed state for about 3 years now. I put every bit of energy I had into a career choice which was predatory, and parasitic at the best of times. Holding on tight for about 5 years, the collapse was epic! Interestingly enough hairstylist was the profession I tried so hard to break into. (I don't recommend it, for various economic reasons, but socially it's not as difficult as one might imagine, as a good stylist remains in control of all communication in order to do their job. Otherwise I would have been useless)
I spend an inordinate amount of time in fantasy reproductions within my own mind. Much of that has been used by me to rehearse every conceivable possible social interaction, and the various situations that might occur. (I've been doing that since I was extremely young) Truthfully, this is probably one of two instances in my life where I even confess to this practice. Nobody knows of it. I act out the various parts and converse with the many characters in the vast quantity of situations. Complexity and depth of said worlds can become quite extraordinary. (I use this inner world as a means to design complex mechanisms and systems, so it's extremely useful to the many real life hobbies)
Looking back and moving through the progression of my social life, I was hopelessly bad at interaction, and it took a really long time to become competent. At this point, I'm only really good, because I can control the flow of communication and force my rhythms onto those around me, otherwise I have significant difficulty even now (I interrupt, and push the conversation so as not to allow problematic scenarios). My blunders are still noteworthy. It's as if I studied interaction, and mimic what seems to work. A long and arduous task to say the least. I tend to come across as a bit abrasive, and uncaring. I can't talk about emotional things, and certainly can't empathize with anyone ever. Situations of consolement are basically a no go. The greatest blunders happen when I have to address another persons emotional state.
I find situations like standing in line at a grocery store to be nearly unbearable. The anxiety of having people around me that I can't avoid, or escape is horrible. The thought of them noticing and looking in my direction is enough to cause panic. This is a general problem in any social situation with people I don't know. I can feel them there and it's really bad. I have used the bathroom tactic even in social situations with people I know to break the anxiety and find a moment of aloneness. (Over the years, I have become mostly a hermit because such situations are so draining I have anxiety just considering them now. Some of that reclusion is certainly to do with my burnout)
My childhood socially was devastating. I was diagnosed with ADHD, and while it certainly wasn't wrong, in so far as I was definitely not normal, I'm now beginning to wonder if there was more going on. My family over the last decade or so has suspected autism as well. (Only now am I discovering that fact, as well as questioning it myself)
Much of the indicators including grinding my teeth as a tick have been there all my life. And for the last few years, I have been wondering about aspergers. But after the serious burnout, and how it has basically left me unable to do even the most simple life tasks, a deeper examination and possible diagnosis seems more necessary.
I wonder about the depression and anxiety as what I describe has no despair, and fear, but inaction, and overload. I've always been hypersensitive to tactile sensation, and clothing has always been a point of contention for me. As a child clothing was "scratchy" and only very specific clothes could I wear. (Interestingly enough clothing has become a form of armor for me, being overdressed and fashionable is the fastest way to be unapproachable and "safer" in public)
That over sensitivity also involves my emotions. So I have become very cold and logical over the years to protect myself. As of this burned out state I'm in, I have a lot less energy to put to maintaining this protective state, so I'm having difficulty with anger, and outbursts. (Nothing like when I was a kid, those meltdowns were mindshattering. I used to call them mental breakdowns, and they were to the point where I questioned whether reality actually existed, as nothing should be capable of that kind of overwhelming pain. I had them up to multiple times a week, sometimes multiples in a day, depending on the stimulus "usually my family" actions repeating) "My family weren't bad... They tried really hard."
**** I suppose that even if I do not actually fall on the spectrum, I have so many similar life experiences that I might find some clues as to how to deal with my difficulties. I know this is supposed to be introductions, but since I am undiagnosed I felt an explanation as to why I feel I might be is in order.
Guitars
Pianos
(my music style is a little on the strange side, improvisational and complicated)
Sim-Racing
Virtual Reality
Flight Sims
Rocket League
Factorio
Minecraft
Electronics
Welding/Fabrication
Computer Systems
Vintage Tool Restoration
Machining/Milling
Structural and Mechanical Design
I love Economics and studying macro systems.
I spend an inordinate amount of time in fantasy reproductions within my own mind. Much of that has been used by me to rehearse every conceivable possible social interaction, and the various situations that might occur. (I've been doing that since I was extremely young) Truthfully, this is probably one of two instances in my life where I even confess to this practice. Nobody knows of it. I act out the various parts and converse with the many characters in the vast quantity of situations. Complexity and depth of said worlds can become quite extraordinary. (I use this inner world as a means to design complex mechanisms and systems, so it's extremely useful to the many real life hobbies)
Looking back and moving through the progression of my social life, I was hopelessly bad at interaction, and it took a really long time to become competent. At this point, I'm only really good, because I can control the flow of communication and force my rhythms onto those around me, otherwise I have significant difficulty even now (I interrupt, and push the conversation so as not to allow problematic scenarios). My blunders are still noteworthy. It's as if I studied interaction, and mimic what seems to work. A long and arduous task to say the least. I tend to come across as a bit abrasive, and uncaring. I can't talk about emotional things, and certainly can't empathize with anyone ever. Situations of consolement are basically a no go. The greatest blunders happen when I have to address another persons emotional state.
I find situations like standing in line at a grocery store to be nearly unbearable. The anxiety of having people around me that I can't avoid, or escape is horrible. The thought of them noticing and looking in my direction is enough to cause panic. This is a general problem in any social situation with people I don't know. I can feel them there and it's really bad. I have used the bathroom tactic even in social situations with people I know to break the anxiety and find a moment of aloneness. (Over the years, I have become mostly a hermit because such situations are so draining I have anxiety just considering them now. Some of that reclusion is certainly to do with my burnout)
My childhood socially was devastating. I was diagnosed with ADHD, and while it certainly wasn't wrong, in so far as I was definitely not normal, I'm now beginning to wonder if there was more going on. My family over the last decade or so has suspected autism as well. (Only now am I discovering that fact, as well as questioning it myself)
Much of the indicators including grinding my teeth as a tick have been there all my life. And for the last few years, I have been wondering about aspergers. But after the serious burnout, and how it has basically left me unable to do even the most simple life tasks, a deeper examination and possible diagnosis seems more necessary.
I wonder about the depression and anxiety as what I describe has no despair, and fear, but inaction, and overload. I've always been hypersensitive to tactile sensation, and clothing has always been a point of contention for me. As a child clothing was "scratchy" and only very specific clothes could I wear. (Interestingly enough clothing has become a form of armor for me, being overdressed and fashionable is the fastest way to be unapproachable and "safer" in public)
That over sensitivity also involves my emotions. So I have become very cold and logical over the years to protect myself. As of this burned out state I'm in, I have a lot less energy to put to maintaining this protective state, so I'm having difficulty with anger, and outbursts. (Nothing like when I was a kid, those meltdowns were mindshattering. I used to call them mental breakdowns, and they were to the point where I questioned whether reality actually existed, as nothing should be capable of that kind of overwhelming pain. I had them up to multiple times a week, sometimes multiples in a day, depending on the stimulus "usually my family" actions repeating) "My family weren't bad... They tried really hard."
**** I suppose that even if I do not actually fall on the spectrum, I have so many similar life experiences that I might find some clues as to how to deal with my difficulties. I know this is supposed to be introductions, but since I am undiagnosed I felt an explanation as to why I feel I might be is in order.
Guitars
Pianos
(my music style is a little on the strange side, improvisational and complicated)
Sim-Racing
Virtual Reality
Flight Sims
Rocket League
Factorio
Minecraft
Electronics
Welding/Fabrication
Computer Systems
Vintage Tool Restoration
Machining/Milling
Structural and Mechanical Design
I love Economics and studying macro systems.
You Sound very brave. Please know that this community is one in which you are among friends.
