I needed to write all this down because I'm feeling so crappy and low and I need to just vent because of it all.
I'm so fedup with myself, I just want to be able to make friends and talk to people in a normal way. I see people interacting all the time and it's so easy for them or it seems that way anyway. I see other parents at school laughing and joking with each other and talking about going out to places together and it makes me feel so low, why can't I do that? Well I know why really it's because I'm so boring and weird and don't know how to talk to people, that's the only explanation for it.
It's not even like I can put it all down to Asperger's either because even online I suck. I've been a member of so many forums for so many years and never do I ever make any kind of connection with people. I see others getting close and becoming really friendly with each other, talking to each other all the time, arranging to meet up having little in jokes etc and no matter how hard I try I just can't manage that. So it MUST be me, not asperger's that keeps people away because people can't see my awkwardness via a monitor so I must be so boring / annoying that people just simply don't want to know.
I don't even know how to change because I don't know what I'm doing wrong, what makes me so disgusting that nobody ever wants to be friends with me...oh that is unless they can get something out of me...free websites, photos, designs or whatever, then they are really friendly and make an effort, as soon as they get what they want they're gone again.
I'm so sick of it all and so many times these past few weeks I've thought of cutting myself again, the frustration and anger and loneliness just gets too much and that's the thing I keep going back to. I've been having huge meltdowns and tantrums because I've been feeling so low and I feel so bad for my husband and daughter because I am a complete nightmare to live with.
On Sunday I screamed and punched my fists so hard on the kitchen counter I thought I'd broken some of my fingers and all because I'd screwed up some cookies, but as is alway the case that was the final straw after a really rubbish day. Then yesterday my little one was getting so hyper and in my face and I felt so closed in and overwhelmed and eventually I shouted at her to get out of my face. I ran into the bedroom and cried and then went out and apologised to her, she completely understood though and said it was alright.
I don't even know where I'm going with this, I'm just feeling so stressed and fed up and what's the point of it all...which is something I get often so I'm sure it will pass and I'll try hard to make friends again suck at it again, feel like this again and repeat...ugh...
I'm so fedup with myself, I just want to be able to make friends and talk to people in a normal way. I see people interacting all the time and it's so easy for them or it seems that way anyway. I see other parents at school laughing and joking with each other and talking about going out to places together and it makes me feel so low, why can't I do that? Well I know why really it's because I'm so boring and weird and don't know how to talk to people, that's the only explanation for it.
It's not even like I can put it all down to Asperger's either because even online I suck. I've been a member of so many forums for so many years and never do I ever make any kind of connection with people. I see others getting close and becoming really friendly with each other, talking to each other all the time, arranging to meet up having little in jokes etc and no matter how hard I try I just can't manage that. So it MUST be me, not asperger's that keeps people away because people can't see my awkwardness via a monitor so I must be so boring / annoying that people just simply don't want to know.
I don't even know how to change because I don't know what I'm doing wrong, what makes me so disgusting that nobody ever wants to be friends with me...oh that is unless they can get something out of me...free websites, photos, designs or whatever, then they are really friendly and make an effort, as soon as they get what they want they're gone again.
I'm so sick of it all and so many times these past few weeks I've thought of cutting myself again, the frustration and anger and loneliness just gets too much and that's the thing I keep going back to. I've been having huge meltdowns and tantrums because I've been feeling so low and I feel so bad for my husband and daughter because I am a complete nightmare to live with.
On Sunday I screamed and punched my fists so hard on the kitchen counter I thought I'd broken some of my fingers and all because I'd screwed up some cookies, but as is alway the case that was the final straw after a really rubbish day. Then yesterday my little one was getting so hyper and in my face and I felt so closed in and overwhelmed and eventually I shouted at her to get out of my face. I ran into the bedroom and cried and then went out and apologised to her, she completely understood though and said it was alright.
I don't even know where I'm going with this, I'm just feeling so stressed and fed up and what's the point of it all...which is something I get often so I'm sure it will pass and I'll try hard to make friends again suck at it again, feel like this again and repeat...ugh...
