Back when I first told my dad I had been diagnosed with Asperger's he tried to explain it away that I didn't have a condition, it was just because of the divorce. When I explained further about AS and the traits etc he again tried to make out that we "all have issues and problems" but i tried to get him to understand that it was something I was born with. Then he was sort of trying to make out it was my mum's doing that she had poisoned my mind in some way and he proceeded to tell me about how he strangled her with the handle of a handbag. I can't even describe to you how cold and matter of fact he was about it and the way he described it was...well he said things like "I don't know how it happened I just sort of fell and next thing I know my hands were around her neck". Then he told me how it was because my mum had a restraining order against him and nobody will stop him seeing his kids, he'll kill before someone stops him. He said he was trying to make me see how we all do things wrong it doesn't mean we have something wrong with us and that he'd tell me more next time we meet, I just stopped him dead and said I didn't want to know more and I quickly ended the call. I had no idea whether he was telling the truth or making something up to try and convince me I was wrong about having AS (despite me telling him I went to one of the top clinics in the country to be assessed).
I needed to speak to my mum about it, find out if it was true or not but she is hardly ever alone so I never got the chance to bring it up...until they visited last week. She was helping me hang the washing on the line so i jokingly brought it up, about the whole conversation and how he tried to convince me I was fine because he'd tried to strangle her and how that was so crazy it couldn't be true. Well it was
and more
My mum told me that day he attacked her, he forced the strap down on her neck so hard it left really bad marks and THAT is why/how she got the restraining order. When she's brought it up with him he's denied all knowledge saying she's lying but she has a witness, she took my brother and I to our Aunt's house and she saw the marks and so did the police, I can't believe he'd try to deny it. Then I was telling her about the other thing he told me a year or two ago how he'd once followed her and a man she went on a date with, he hadn't given me anymore details I assumed he was following out of part jealousy and partly to make sure she got home safe. I just wasn't prepared for the truth, my dad followed her and her date with Hilary in the car too, my mum asked her date to drop her off a few streets away from our house (she'd seen my dad's car and knew something was wrong) so he did. My mum was walking back when my dad pulled up and shouted abuse at her, then Hilary was calling her allsorts and that she'd better get home to her kids, that's when my mum lunged at Hilary...and that's when my dad beat my mum up
I was so shocked I didn't know what to say to her, but she said that wasn't all he's done, at that point the kids came out and we had to stop talking briefly until they went back in. Then she told me how even now he verbally abuses her, her and her partner were just walking to the local shop a few years ago(not long after they got together) when my dad pulled up next to them in his car and started calling my mum a whore and that she should be ashamed of herself as she has 2 kids at home what kind of a woman was she. Now lets put that into perspective he said that to my mum when I was 22 married living 300 miles away with a child of my own and my brother(aged 25) had also moved out and his girlfriend had not long had a baby...what the actual ****?!
There is alot more that's gone on, I know there is, thinking back to when I would hear them shout and then I would hear bangs. I clearly remember one time after he dropped me off they argued and there was a huge bang so i went running in and my mum was fighting back tears and said it was okay my dad had just fallen on to the fridge (which now had a massive dent in the door and the milk bottles inside were smashed) even back then aged 8 i knew something wasn't right but I would not have guessed it was him hitting her. Again I haven't had chance to speak to her alone to find out every last thing he ever did to her but I am so done with my dad, I want nothing more to do with him. All the crap with Hilary and the party I could have continued to be civil to him but finding out he abused my mum, it's over, as far as I'm concerned he's dead.
Problem now is how do I get him out of my life? I want to scream and shout at him and tell him what a terrible man he is but at the same time I'm scared of what he might do. Not to me because my husband would take him down easily but what he might do to my mum, her partner and in turn to my brother(who would no doubt come to help) and anyone else who tries to stop him. I don't even know what my brother knows about all of this, if perhaps he saw something as a child that scared him. He's always been so afraid of our dad and I never understood why, sure he's very intimidating and a little scary if you anger him but my brother was always way too afraid.
I don't know how to proceed, I don't want to put my mum in danger but I don't want to have anything to do with my dad. I thought maybe I could just not call etc but he will call me like he did yesterday and I was so scared/un-prepared (because it had been 7 weeks since we last spoke) that I couldn't speak properly, when he asked what was wrong I just blamed it all on being upset over the mother in law's cancer. He will call again though and if he thinks something is wrong he will turn up on my doorstep or he will push my mum for info and I don't know how physical he will get with her if he thinks (like he always does) that she's poisoned me against him...impossible situation
I needed to speak to my mum about it, find out if it was true or not but she is hardly ever alone so I never got the chance to bring it up...until they visited last week. She was helping me hang the washing on the line so i jokingly brought it up, about the whole conversation and how he tried to convince me I was fine because he'd tried to strangle her and how that was so crazy it couldn't be true. Well it was
and more My mum told me that day he attacked her, he forced the strap down on her neck so hard it left really bad marks and THAT is why/how she got the restraining order. When she's brought it up with him he's denied all knowledge saying she's lying but she has a witness, she took my brother and I to our Aunt's house and she saw the marks and so did the police, I can't believe he'd try to deny it. Then I was telling her about the other thing he told me a year or two ago how he'd once followed her and a man she went on a date with, he hadn't given me anymore details I assumed he was following out of part jealousy and partly to make sure she got home safe. I just wasn't prepared for the truth, my dad followed her and her date with Hilary in the car too, my mum asked her date to drop her off a few streets away from our house (she'd seen my dad's car and knew something was wrong) so he did. My mum was walking back when my dad pulled up and shouted abuse at her, then Hilary was calling her allsorts and that she'd better get home to her kids, that's when my mum lunged at Hilary...and that's when my dad beat my mum up
I was so shocked I didn't know what to say to her, but she said that wasn't all he's done, at that point the kids came out and we had to stop talking briefly until they went back in. Then she told me how even now he verbally abuses her, her and her partner were just walking to the local shop a few years ago(not long after they got together) when my dad pulled up next to them in his car and started calling my mum a whore and that she should be ashamed of herself as she has 2 kids at home what kind of a woman was she. Now lets put that into perspective he said that to my mum when I was 22 married living 300 miles away with a child of my own and my brother(aged 25) had also moved out and his girlfriend had not long had a baby...what the actual ****?!
There is alot more that's gone on, I know there is, thinking back to when I would hear them shout and then I would hear bangs. I clearly remember one time after he dropped me off they argued and there was a huge bang so i went running in and my mum was fighting back tears and said it was okay my dad had just fallen on to the fridge (which now had a massive dent in the door and the milk bottles inside were smashed) even back then aged 8 i knew something wasn't right but I would not have guessed it was him hitting her. Again I haven't had chance to speak to her alone to find out every last thing he ever did to her but I am so done with my dad, I want nothing more to do with him. All the crap with Hilary and the party I could have continued to be civil to him but finding out he abused my mum, it's over, as far as I'm concerned he's dead.
Problem now is how do I get him out of my life? I want to scream and shout at him and tell him what a terrible man he is but at the same time I'm scared of what he might do. Not to me because my husband would take him down easily but what he might do to my mum, her partner and in turn to my brother(who would no doubt come to help) and anyone else who tries to stop him. I don't even know what my brother knows about all of this, if perhaps he saw something as a child that scared him. He's always been so afraid of our dad and I never understood why, sure he's very intimidating and a little scary if you anger him but my brother was always way too afraid.
I don't know how to proceed, I don't want to put my mum in danger but I don't want to have anything to do with my dad. I thought maybe I could just not call etc but he will call me like he did yesterday and I was so scared/un-prepared (because it had been 7 weeks since we last spoke) that I couldn't speak properly, when he asked what was wrong I just blamed it all on being upset over the mother in law's cancer. He will call again though and if he thinks something is wrong he will turn up on my doorstep or he will push my mum for info and I don't know how physical he will get with her if he thinks (like he always does) that she's poisoned me against him...impossible situation
