So how do you get someone out of your life forever because I'm having such a hard time doing it as I just don't know how (and I'm a little afraid).
Okay the background story - my parents split when I was 8, I was of course devastated but everything went okay from my point of view and I would see my dad every Sunday along with his new girlfriend Hilary. I loved going out with them we went to allsorts of fun places and did lots of fun things and I really really liked Hilary and would always beg my dad to keep me out longer. My brother at the time was 11, a mean and moody 11 year old and he was always in a huff when we were on our days out, eventually he refused to go out so it was just me, my dad and Hilary.
For months I was blissfully unaware as to why the police would bang on our door, or why pizza delivery people would randomly turn up, we had fire engines at one point, but I had no idea what was going on. I was aware my mum did not like my dad's new girlfriend and I soon found out the reason was because my dad had left my mum for Hilary (they had an affair for a while before my mum found out). So in my own way I sort of understood why my mum did not like her because it wasn't very nice what had happened, but I still liked Hilary so all was fine.
Then one evening the phone rang, like it usually did every evening and my mum would raise her voice to whoever it was, again I was totally unaware of what was really happening, after a few minutes of heated conversation my mum started crying and then passed the phone to me. I was surprised to hear it was Hilary on the phone she went on a huge rant about how she hated me, my dad didn't love me and he never wanted to see me again. I was very very upset, I had no idea why she hated me and I believed every word she said I was an innocent 8 year old (and figured if she could be happy smiley and nice to me and secretly hate me so could my dad). The next day my dad came to the house after my mum really laid into him about what had happened, when he turned up I was crying my eyes out over it and my dad laughed at me and said she didn't mean whatever she said. So of course in that instant my image of my dad was shattered, he was laughing at me and took Hilary's side over the matter. From that day on I refused to speak to or go anywhere near Hilary particularly as I found out all those phonecalls my mum got were Hilary saying nasty stuff to her, the police/pizza etc were all her doing.
Things between my dad and I were very tense for a couple of years until one day I broke down crying and told him that I thought he did not love me whatsoever (made worst by the fact he was giving my brother lots of attention and gifts in an attempt to patch things up with him, but to me a 9 year old all I saw was my brother getting gifts and attention and me getting nothing, cementing the idea Hilary had put there). So I would have been about 10ish when I broke down and told him and again he laughed and said that he did love me and went on a huge rant about just because him and my mum were divorced it didn't affect how he felt about me, when I tried to bring up Hilary he totally shot me down telling me not to bring her into it that she had nothing to do with it. So I just went along with his train of thought and said I understood what he was saying and that was that, once again another blow to our relationship, I stopped visiting him soon after. He still came to see me but seemed to spend most of his time talking to my mum in the kitchen so we grew very distant.
Fast forward to a couple of months ago (nearly 20 years later) and things between us have been okay, still kept up with the seeing him for 20 mins here and there and then of course I met my husband and moved hundreds of miles away, so we see him and the rest of my relatives 2-3 times a year. I have not seen or spoken to Hilary since that phonecall all those years ago, my dad asked me about 2 years ago if we could try and patch things up and I said I would think about it.
In all those years my dad has come down here to visit us a number of times, for example when I was having my daughter he was here for a few days(but would sneak out the house to call Hilary), he came down randomly one easter and stayed over and he came to my daughter's birthday party 2 years ago, again staying over in a hotel (with my mum as by that point everything with them seemed amicable). Then my daughter's birthday came around again and of course she was having a party. I invited the parents and my niece to come along, my dad assured me he would come and he would bring my mum and niece so they don't have to get the train(which takes an hour longer and is horrendously expensive). I kept trying to get a definite yes or no as to whether he was coming for months, 2 weeks before the party he said it was a yes, so all sorted I figured, hotel booked end of.
Okay the background story - my parents split when I was 8, I was of course devastated but everything went okay from my point of view and I would see my dad every Sunday along with his new girlfriend Hilary. I loved going out with them we went to allsorts of fun places and did lots of fun things and I really really liked Hilary and would always beg my dad to keep me out longer. My brother at the time was 11, a mean and moody 11 year old and he was always in a huff when we were on our days out, eventually he refused to go out so it was just me, my dad and Hilary.
For months I was blissfully unaware as to why the police would bang on our door, or why pizza delivery people would randomly turn up, we had fire engines at one point, but I had no idea what was going on. I was aware my mum did not like my dad's new girlfriend and I soon found out the reason was because my dad had left my mum for Hilary (they had an affair for a while before my mum found out). So in my own way I sort of understood why my mum did not like her because it wasn't very nice what had happened, but I still liked Hilary so all was fine.
Then one evening the phone rang, like it usually did every evening and my mum would raise her voice to whoever it was, again I was totally unaware of what was really happening, after a few minutes of heated conversation my mum started crying and then passed the phone to me. I was surprised to hear it was Hilary on the phone she went on a huge rant about how she hated me, my dad didn't love me and he never wanted to see me again. I was very very upset, I had no idea why she hated me and I believed every word she said I was an innocent 8 year old (and figured if she could be happy smiley and nice to me and secretly hate me so could my dad). The next day my dad came to the house after my mum really laid into him about what had happened, when he turned up I was crying my eyes out over it and my dad laughed at me and said she didn't mean whatever she said. So of course in that instant my image of my dad was shattered, he was laughing at me and took Hilary's side over the matter. From that day on I refused to speak to or go anywhere near Hilary particularly as I found out all those phonecalls my mum got were Hilary saying nasty stuff to her, the police/pizza etc were all her doing.
Things between my dad and I were very tense for a couple of years until one day I broke down crying and told him that I thought he did not love me whatsoever (made worst by the fact he was giving my brother lots of attention and gifts in an attempt to patch things up with him, but to me a 9 year old all I saw was my brother getting gifts and attention and me getting nothing, cementing the idea Hilary had put there). So I would have been about 10ish when I broke down and told him and again he laughed and said that he did love me and went on a huge rant about just because him and my mum were divorced it didn't affect how he felt about me, when I tried to bring up Hilary he totally shot me down telling me not to bring her into it that she had nothing to do with it. So I just went along with his train of thought and said I understood what he was saying and that was that, once again another blow to our relationship, I stopped visiting him soon after. He still came to see me but seemed to spend most of his time talking to my mum in the kitchen so we grew very distant.
Fast forward to a couple of months ago (nearly 20 years later) and things between us have been okay, still kept up with the seeing him for 20 mins here and there and then of course I met my husband and moved hundreds of miles away, so we see him and the rest of my relatives 2-3 times a year. I have not seen or spoken to Hilary since that phonecall all those years ago, my dad asked me about 2 years ago if we could try and patch things up and I said I would think about it.
In all those years my dad has come down here to visit us a number of times, for example when I was having my daughter he was here for a few days(but would sneak out the house to call Hilary), he came down randomly one easter and stayed over and he came to my daughter's birthday party 2 years ago, again staying over in a hotel (with my mum as by that point everything with them seemed amicable). Then my daughter's birthday came around again and of course she was having a party. I invited the parents and my niece to come along, my dad assured me he would come and he would bring my mum and niece so they don't have to get the train(which takes an hour longer and is horrendously expensive). I kept trying to get a definite yes or no as to whether he was coming for months, 2 weeks before the party he said it was a yes, so all sorted I figured, hotel booked end of.
