30/5/2015
I'm utterly lonely, unfulfilled, unhappy.. I'm making every effort to move forward in life, but all I can see in my minds eye is that vital direction soon petering out to a dribble, a spit.. then nothing. I see no future for me, just pain, lingering.. then nothing.
I'm trying with every ounce of will power, every mind trick, to see getting up and getting on as my move into happiness.. the problem is that I've done this so many times before, over so many years, that I really need a sign that this time is the charm, this is the present and future I've dreamed of all my life, my reason to get out of bed, to act, draw another breath.. all I seem to be able to manage is a stumbling shamble in the general direction I hope is right.. I don't know, am I misreading, seeing promise that isn't really there, hoping to be saved in my darkest hour by that which I need most yet am incapable of obtaining?
I have no way to tell and my thoughts are currently so distorted, so negative, so hopeless that I just can't see what's really happening in front of me. She seems to like me very much, there are so many signs, I think.. yet such apparent contra-indications too - the uncommon time scale, any shows of affection, sporadic communication..
I just can't understand - I feel so confused when all I want is clarity.. not assurance, not rushing into anything - I'm emotionally committed now, so I'll wait indefinitely, nursing this pain - I just wish I knew enough to know the waiting was worthwhile, something to make it not so painful..
.. The pressure from others telling me there's nothing there.. not a kiss in six months? Don't bother, don't waste your time.. what choice do I have, being me?
Most peoples' experience is the opposite of mine - things pass, new things turn up.. it hurts, you get over it and move on..
My experience is.. of nothing, bleak, black - a glimmer of light, of hope.. extinguished, gone.. bleaker, blacker..
I can't stop using alcohol, though I surely must to move forward, lose the gut, strengthen my will - I'm sabotaging myself, habit, cost - cannabis appears to be essential to my wellbeing.. or, at least, continued being, cost there too though..
My motivation and enthusiasm have waned over the course of my life and attempts to rekindle them become harder till it's almost impossible - I didn't think I'd get this chance I have now and I may be at such great risk of blowing it, assuming that being at the top of my game is vital to love, not just blind devotion, as I've always experienced it.. I need to be fit, have money, goals, dreams.. all the things fallen in the dust of my long suffering and despair..
If only I could talk to someone and not be dismissed out of hand. No understanding though, no help, no suggestions or guidance - my situation, my pain, my fear (how close I feel I am now to death), are unimportant; I'm unimportant.
I've been alone for so long..
I'm utterly lonely, unfulfilled, unhappy.. I'm making every effort to move forward in life, but all I can see in my minds eye is that vital direction soon petering out to a dribble, a spit.. then nothing. I see no future for me, just pain, lingering.. then nothing.
I'm trying with every ounce of will power, every mind trick, to see getting up and getting on as my move into happiness.. the problem is that I've done this so many times before, over so many years, that I really need a sign that this time is the charm, this is the present and future I've dreamed of all my life, my reason to get out of bed, to act, draw another breath.. all I seem to be able to manage is a stumbling shamble in the general direction I hope is right.. I don't know, am I misreading, seeing promise that isn't really there, hoping to be saved in my darkest hour by that which I need most yet am incapable of obtaining?
I have no way to tell and my thoughts are currently so distorted, so negative, so hopeless that I just can't see what's really happening in front of me. She seems to like me very much, there are so many signs, I think.. yet such apparent contra-indications too - the uncommon time scale, any shows of affection, sporadic communication..
I just can't understand - I feel so confused when all I want is clarity.. not assurance, not rushing into anything - I'm emotionally committed now, so I'll wait indefinitely, nursing this pain - I just wish I knew enough to know the waiting was worthwhile, something to make it not so painful..
.. The pressure from others telling me there's nothing there.. not a kiss in six months? Don't bother, don't waste your time.. what choice do I have, being me?
Most peoples' experience is the opposite of mine - things pass, new things turn up.. it hurts, you get over it and move on..
My experience is.. of nothing, bleak, black - a glimmer of light, of hope.. extinguished, gone.. bleaker, blacker..
I can't stop using alcohol, though I surely must to move forward, lose the gut, strengthen my will - I'm sabotaging myself, habit, cost - cannabis appears to be essential to my wellbeing.. or, at least, continued being, cost there too though..
My motivation and enthusiasm have waned over the course of my life and attempts to rekindle them become harder till it's almost impossible - I didn't think I'd get this chance I have now and I may be at such great risk of blowing it, assuming that being at the top of my game is vital to love, not just blind devotion, as I've always experienced it.. I need to be fit, have money, goals, dreams.. all the things fallen in the dust of my long suffering and despair..
If only I could talk to someone and not be dismissed out of hand. No understanding though, no help, no suggestions or guidance - my situation, my pain, my fear (how close I feel I am now to death), are unimportant; I'm unimportant.
I've been alone for so long..
