The marriage, the emotional abuse and the kids.
I'm crying because I've had a typical - and then some - sunday's travail of taking my ten year old home to his mother.
The verbal cues are usually apparent to me from early afternoon, but I'm always post-aware of.. signs.. attitude.. early in the day - he certainly doesn't want to "Go back there".
I lived there for 23 years.
.. Parented for 21 years.
Attempted to mediate between Oldest and mom for 11-12 years while my mental health suffered.
.. Been trying to mediate between youngest and mom for 5 years while trying to recover.
I have to return Youngest to a situation I now recognise as emotionally abusive - I recently came to understand that my night sweats, feelings of terror, nightmares and her voice bellowing at me that wakes me up in the night and I hear in the day in the wind and creak of mooring lines and cringe.. all symptoms of PTSD.
.. Is it, isn't it?
I've been self-councelling for a very long time.
Thinking around and around this disfunctional me.
It's too easy to keep self-diagnosing, though this new hurt, this.. grief.. I feel lately that's seperate from the loneliness, it's making it hard for me to control my emotions..
I only have my own research to go on and I'm reluctant to add to my self-diagnostic list, but this seems to feel different - the nightmares and her voice in my head are back, though there's overlap, with the Aspergers, anxiety and depressive symptoms.. early days still and I know I can't do recommended prescription drugs - as several of the symptoms only seem to respond to meds, certainly to my home-grown meds - the trick is separating them out and treating each accordingly.. of course, you have to recognise them first..
The nightmares are just dreams - she BELLOWS hysterically at me, orders me, bans me, unmans me.. she tries to emotionally/physically rape me.. (This is how it feels.. is, in the dream)..
That penetrating vocal pitch, the words, that rubbery-skin, cloying feel and smell of her, slitted angry hating eyes lips tight in a thin downturned line fists and thunderous footsteps, the emotive guilt-sense of tedium, disgust and debt I would owe her, shame I feel, drowning in that sickness (even from dream to reality) for any intimacy, any expression of closeness.. relationship..
WAKE UP!!
It's just a dream!
The past!
Can't go back to sleep, can't risk dreaming that again, can't let her back inside, can't risk owing her any more.. she's already taken everything!
"All I got left is my bones.."
I abased myself to anyone, as I did to her, put myself constantly out there though the pain of it got always worse, to obtain the money she needed for her addictions..
I was a slave!
My own insecurities, moulded by a cunning manipulator, made into my chains.
I had no life, no freedom, no hope.. I prayed for my children and for my liberty or death - didn't care which.
There was no life - that was a myth (is it still?) - this was just existence until I could find a way to end it.
Just dreams..
What does Eldest dream of?
How is Youngest?
It seems to me he welcomes me as comfort after strife.
Sorry, it's Sunday 13th September 2015, I took my son back to his mothers care and have cried for 5 hours now.. I feel like I have betrayed him to pain!
I try to tell him everything's ok but I can't - I don't believe it myself and I can't lie to him.
I'm no father if I can't protect my own children!
(Monday early morning: Bad night of mares again - I'm trying to justify myself to a string of faces.. teacher headmaster social worker Her her partner Sis Mum Eldest Youngest faces..
I leave the laptop on now so I can sit up and talk to someone for a bit, try to shake it)
I'm crying because I've had a typical - and then some - sunday's travail of taking my ten year old home to his mother.
The verbal cues are usually apparent to me from early afternoon, but I'm always post-aware of.. signs.. attitude.. early in the day - he certainly doesn't want to "Go back there".
I lived there for 23 years.
.. Parented for 21 years.
Attempted to mediate between Oldest and mom for 11-12 years while my mental health suffered.
.. Been trying to mediate between youngest and mom for 5 years while trying to recover.
I have to return Youngest to a situation I now recognise as emotionally abusive - I recently came to understand that my night sweats, feelings of terror, nightmares and her voice bellowing at me that wakes me up in the night and I hear in the day in the wind and creak of mooring lines and cringe.. all symptoms of PTSD.
.. Is it, isn't it?
I've been self-councelling for a very long time.
Thinking around and around this disfunctional me.
It's too easy to keep self-diagnosing, though this new hurt, this.. grief.. I feel lately that's seperate from the loneliness, it's making it hard for me to control my emotions..
I only have my own research to go on and I'm reluctant to add to my self-diagnostic list, but this seems to feel different - the nightmares and her voice in my head are back, though there's overlap, with the Aspergers, anxiety and depressive symptoms.. early days still and I know I can't do recommended prescription drugs - as several of the symptoms only seem to respond to meds, certainly to my home-grown meds - the trick is separating them out and treating each accordingly.. of course, you have to recognise them first..
The nightmares are just dreams - she BELLOWS hysterically at me, orders me, bans me, unmans me.. she tries to emotionally/physically rape me.. (This is how it feels.. is, in the dream)..
That penetrating vocal pitch, the words, that rubbery-skin, cloying feel and smell of her, slitted angry hating eyes lips tight in a thin downturned line fists and thunderous footsteps, the emotive guilt-sense of tedium, disgust and debt I would owe her, shame I feel, drowning in that sickness (even from dream to reality) for any intimacy, any expression of closeness.. relationship..
WAKE UP!!
It's just a dream!
The past!
Can't go back to sleep, can't risk dreaming that again, can't let her back inside, can't risk owing her any more.. she's already taken everything!
"All I got left is my bones.."
I abased myself to anyone, as I did to her, put myself constantly out there though the pain of it got always worse, to obtain the money she needed for her addictions..
I was a slave!
My own insecurities, moulded by a cunning manipulator, made into my chains.
I had no life, no freedom, no hope.. I prayed for my children and for my liberty or death - didn't care which.
There was no life - that was a myth (is it still?) - this was just existence until I could find a way to end it.
Just dreams..
What does Eldest dream of?
How is Youngest?
It seems to me he welcomes me as comfort after strife.
Sorry, it's Sunday 13th September 2015, I took my son back to his mothers care and have cried for 5 hours now.. I feel like I have betrayed him to pain!
I try to tell him everything's ok but I can't - I don't believe it myself and I can't lie to him.
I'm no father if I can't protect my own children!
(Monday early morning: Bad night of mares again - I'm trying to justify myself to a string of faces.. teacher headmaster social worker Her her partner Sis Mum Eldest Youngest faces..
I leave the laptop on now so I can sit up and talk to someone for a bit, try to shake it)
