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Almost had a breakdown, but got chocolate in the end.

Had an "episode" (trigger warning) on my walk today, the first day of the new year. I was walking in a forest on these narrow wooden paths.
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As some of you might know, I can be a bit challenged by other people, and try to ignore them on my walks. That is difficult on a narrow path, when you meet someone going in the opposite direction.

So I met this group comming against me - I couldn't ignore them, I tried to smile and make a wave with my hand - I'm not in a place where I can say "Hi" or something to strangers - anyway I stepped to the side to let the first man pass, the rest of the group stood waiting for me a little further down the path where there is a passing area, some places on the path is a little wider for a meter or so, to let people pass.

I had to walk towards them, knowing I had their full attention (as they were waiting for me). I could feel I got more and more nervous, I passed them had to look up, one of them said something to me (I had my NC headphones, earplugs and music on), I didn't hear what, probably "happy new year" - after I passed them I could feel I had begon to walk as fast as I could, an I was everything but calm and relaxed...

I had to stop, trying to calm down.. I wanted to feeling to go away, I began to stand rocking from side to side, I tried to focus on my breathing and the fidget toy in my hand. I started to feel better.

I tried continuing walking, but no, not ok - I had to stay longer, rocking, breathing. Eventually I got calm enough to walk back to my car. While I walked I started to consider my own sanity with going on these paths.

I have a "safe" walk, the one I do almost every time - I drove to it, and began walking, I was calm again, it was starting to get dark, I was alone, I sat down on a bench looking over the water. I took my walking price, a chocolate bar, and began to enjoy life again :)
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Comments

While the safe path and chocolate helped, I'm not really over it - that will take some time, unfortunately I have to go to the hospital tomorrow with JJ, so will take some days to recover...
 
I get that feeling. Though people in front of me don't bother me nearly as much as people following behind me. I just get this strong urge to run to get distance. Even though I have never had a negative encounter with someone stalking or otherwise.

I think it's just my general trust issues blowing stuff out of proportion.
 
I get that feeling. Though people in front of me don't bother me nearly as much as people following behind me. I just get this strong urge to run to get distance. Even though I have never had a negative encounter with someone stalking or otherwise.

I think it's just my general trust issues blowing stuff out of proportion.
I think my problem walking towards them was that I knew I would have to get close to them, like my personal space would get invaded, and I couldn't do anything about it... after they passed it was a question of getting away from the situation - the feeling inside me.

I don't like people following me either, not even my friends :)
 

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kriss72
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