I've been awake for an hour, another nightmare - they're back again!
I'm somewhere, in a lounge.. I see her moving around, doing things, looking for something she's put down.
She's getting angry because the state of the place means she can't find it - she never does any housework, I'll have a straighten-up when she's gone to bed, before I go to work.. she sleeps all the time, or knits, does crafts, watches TV.
The angers' reached tipping point and she starts in a loud voice at me that quickly builds to a shout, then that hysterical BELLOW - 'This place is a ****ing state'.. 'you're useless, ****ing t****r'.. 'c***'..
I'm cringing, clenched - the screaming hurts my head and I'm waiting for her to stamp up to me and start shoving, so I stay seated, not drawing attention.. she'll push me off the couch soon though..
.. She's asleep in bed - I think, she might be awake still, might come storming in if I make a noise or touch something I'm not supposed to.
I can tidy up a bit if I'm quiet, then she doesn't say anything.. but if she catches me doing it I'll be in trouble - I'm not allowed to tidy when she's awake, only do the washing up and laundry.
I find the new boots she was looking for under a pile of her clothes, mostly underwear, on the armchair and slipping onto the floor.. can't put it all in the washing machine, it'll be stale by the time I get home and she'll be mad..
Why does she wear nice underwear? She hasn't wanted me near her for years..
I've woken up now, sweaty, sick, anxious knot in my chest cringing, shame.. still see her face, the hating eyes angry mouth face thrust forward at me fists clenched stamping up to me..
I occasionally go through bouts, when my ex is making my life difficult, giving me stress about something I'm doing as if it's still her business, or over the kids.
It's youngest this time - he always cries when I take him back - this time she shouts at him to stop, then at me because I make him like this.. this time he ran back to my car and locked himself in for an hour while she threatened me with the police if I didn't get off the driveway, then with social services if this kept happening.
I point out that he'd have gone into the house if she hadn't shouted at him and she shouts at me that 'it's all my fault cos I'm a ****ing useless c***'
I leave AC on every night now as I can sit up and read and post till the nightmare leaves me and the shame goes away.
.. It's only a dream.
I'm somewhere, in a lounge.. I see her moving around, doing things, looking for something she's put down.
She's getting angry because the state of the place means she can't find it - she never does any housework, I'll have a straighten-up when she's gone to bed, before I go to work.. she sleeps all the time, or knits, does crafts, watches TV.
The angers' reached tipping point and she starts in a loud voice at me that quickly builds to a shout, then that hysterical BELLOW - 'This place is a ****ing state'.. 'you're useless, ****ing t****r'.. 'c***'..
I'm cringing, clenched - the screaming hurts my head and I'm waiting for her to stamp up to me and start shoving, so I stay seated, not drawing attention.. she'll push me off the couch soon though..
.. She's asleep in bed - I think, she might be awake still, might come storming in if I make a noise or touch something I'm not supposed to.
I can tidy up a bit if I'm quiet, then she doesn't say anything.. but if she catches me doing it I'll be in trouble - I'm not allowed to tidy when she's awake, only do the washing up and laundry.
I find the new boots she was looking for under a pile of her clothes, mostly underwear, on the armchair and slipping onto the floor.. can't put it all in the washing machine, it'll be stale by the time I get home and she'll be mad..
Why does she wear nice underwear? She hasn't wanted me near her for years..
I've woken up now, sweaty, sick, anxious knot in my chest cringing, shame.. still see her face, the hating eyes angry mouth face thrust forward at me fists clenched stamping up to me..
I occasionally go through bouts, when my ex is making my life difficult, giving me stress about something I'm doing as if it's still her business, or over the kids.
It's youngest this time - he always cries when I take him back - this time she shouts at him to stop, then at me because I make him like this.. this time he ran back to my car and locked himself in for an hour while she threatened me with the police if I didn't get off the driveway, then with social services if this kept happening.
I point out that he'd have gone into the house if she hadn't shouted at him and she shouts at me that 'it's all my fault cos I'm a ****ing useless c***'
I leave AC on every night now as I can sit up and read and post till the nightmare leaves me and the shame goes away.
.. It's only a dream.
