7/3/2015
Let's see if getting this down in words, getting it out, helps me feel better..
Today I don't feel like trying to be happy at all. I've had enough of trying to scrape enough energy together by thinking positive thoughts, enjoying the lovely day I see out there while I hide in here, hanging out with my young son.. him I feel sorry for, for having a father like me when I'm how I am now. Even poking about on AC isn't helping, so I must be really bad right now!
I can't even immerse myself in an interest these days as I've not had the energy for some time to even be interested in interests, how bad is that.. I feel as if I'm slowly shutting down, battery drained flat, mind numb and disengaging; I'm actually waiting for my heart to stop beating, but the damn thing's still got a little go left in it yet, though I think that's just inertia from all the decades of running strong, or maybe I did something really terrible and Kharma's balancing act dictates that I suffer a long life in agony.. I don't know, I only know I want the pain to stop.. it must stop before it kills me.. I don't want to die, but I can feel my end approaching.
I don't feel sorry for myself, self pity is pointless and I know I'm not that bad a bloke anyway, despite people not wanting to know me. I don't know why they don't, while they're around they seem to like me, when they're gone they're just gone, never to be seen or heard from again. I'm so tired of becoming attached to the few people I think like me, who find me interesting, funny, compassionate, intelligent, different.. then seem to see something else in me and then just brush me out of their lives like dirt, one after another.. it makes me wonder again if there's actually something wrong with me after all..
For many years I was brim-full of self loathing and anxiety due to loneliness, I didn't understand why I seemed to be different to everyone around me, why they had friends and partners but I didn't, couldn't, no matter how I tried. I searched for coping strategies to try and 'fix' myself; immersion in interests, affirmations, uncountable self help books, meditation, cognitive and behavioral therapies, excercise, drugs (legal and otherwise).. I was even lucky enough, just a few years ago, to have someone teach me how to style my hair and clothes as I have no concept of those things, I always thought people just rolled out of bed looking the way they do.
I spent my adult life 'improving' myself, learning to imitate walk, posture, gestures, eye contact, conversation.. learning to post-process interactions to reduce the number of missed subtleties.. learning to like myself - in the mirror and in person, overcoming my anxiety to join groups, to be seen, to be out there.. that is, I'm given to understand, the way to meet people..
Yet here I sit still, alone and so lonely, soul-weary from so much effort and so little reward.. I feel utterly sapped of life, my end is coming..
I feel like a man of two parts - the part that is me, happy, young, strong and energetic, curious, successful.. and the other, The Parasite that hides inside me, causing all this pain, distorting my life, changing me, such that everything that I am has become the opposite. I see it, I feel it, I'm drowning in it.. but I'm unable to change it, no matter how hard I try!
I'm aware of my depression, I live inside a body and mind sick with dis-ease and the cause is Fear, anxiety and loneliness. I believe that, as long as these root causes exist, I can never be free, I can never be me.. and the part that is me is dying.
Oh well, time soon to resort to the wine and cannabis, my longtime lifesaving companions..
Spiller
Let's see if getting this down in words, getting it out, helps me feel better..
Today I don't feel like trying to be happy at all. I've had enough of trying to scrape enough energy together by thinking positive thoughts, enjoying the lovely day I see out there while I hide in here, hanging out with my young son.. him I feel sorry for, for having a father like me when I'm how I am now. Even poking about on AC isn't helping, so I must be really bad right now!
I can't even immerse myself in an interest these days as I've not had the energy for some time to even be interested in interests, how bad is that.. I feel as if I'm slowly shutting down, battery drained flat, mind numb and disengaging; I'm actually waiting for my heart to stop beating, but the damn thing's still got a little go left in it yet, though I think that's just inertia from all the decades of running strong, or maybe I did something really terrible and Kharma's balancing act dictates that I suffer a long life in agony.. I don't know, I only know I want the pain to stop.. it must stop before it kills me.. I don't want to die, but I can feel my end approaching.
I don't feel sorry for myself, self pity is pointless and I know I'm not that bad a bloke anyway, despite people not wanting to know me. I don't know why they don't, while they're around they seem to like me, when they're gone they're just gone, never to be seen or heard from again. I'm so tired of becoming attached to the few people I think like me, who find me interesting, funny, compassionate, intelligent, different.. then seem to see something else in me and then just brush me out of their lives like dirt, one after another.. it makes me wonder again if there's actually something wrong with me after all..
For many years I was brim-full of self loathing and anxiety due to loneliness, I didn't understand why I seemed to be different to everyone around me, why they had friends and partners but I didn't, couldn't, no matter how I tried. I searched for coping strategies to try and 'fix' myself; immersion in interests, affirmations, uncountable self help books, meditation, cognitive and behavioral therapies, excercise, drugs (legal and otherwise).. I was even lucky enough, just a few years ago, to have someone teach me how to style my hair and clothes as I have no concept of those things, I always thought people just rolled out of bed looking the way they do.
I spent my adult life 'improving' myself, learning to imitate walk, posture, gestures, eye contact, conversation.. learning to post-process interactions to reduce the number of missed subtleties.. learning to like myself - in the mirror and in person, overcoming my anxiety to join groups, to be seen, to be out there.. that is, I'm given to understand, the way to meet people..
Yet here I sit still, alone and so lonely, soul-weary from so much effort and so little reward.. I feel utterly sapped of life, my end is coming..
I feel like a man of two parts - the part that is me, happy, young, strong and energetic, curious, successful.. and the other, The Parasite that hides inside me, causing all this pain, distorting my life, changing me, such that everything that I am has become the opposite. I see it, I feel it, I'm drowning in it.. but I'm unable to change it, no matter how hard I try!
I'm aware of my depression, I live inside a body and mind sick with dis-ease and the cause is Fear, anxiety and loneliness. I believe that, as long as these root causes exist, I can never be free, I can never be me.. and the part that is me is dying.
Oh well, time soon to resort to the wine and cannabis, my longtime lifesaving companions..
Spiller
