We've been talking a lot about chains in my church's small group, as in what are you chained to? What is holding you back? It started out after one of the assistant pastors mentioned in a sermon that Paul was chained to a Roman guard 24/7 when he wrote some of his letters. He asked us to imagine what that was like, having someone chained to you like that, with no privacy whatsoever. Most of us would say that would get old pretty quickly. But not Paul. He was delighted to have a captive audience! Before it was all over the entire Praetorian guard heard his message and were no doubt sick of hearing it after a while.
But there was one thing they didn't do which they could have, and that is that they apparently made no attempt to interfere with Paul's preaching or letter-writing or visits from friends. Maybe it's because the Romans were not into thought control like modern police states. Once he was locked up he could no longer incite riots and that's all they were concerned about.
Anyway, as I said, we've been talking about chains and I think there has been some real healing going on in these meetings as people feel safe to share their stories. A lot of them have to do with wounded family relationships. Don't get me wrong, I'm still as agnostic as ever, but there is something about coming together and supporting each other that is for lack of a better word, therapeutic. I don't know if it is our particular age-group but this group seems to be more "tough-minded" than some I've been involved with in the past--there are no easy, saccharine answers. Several group members have even attended seminars designed to help minister to people with big problems. There's a willingness to talk about issues that was not present a few decades ago.
But healing in this sense is not a passive thing. You have to work at it and it's not easy work. And one thing that disturbs me when I read some of the threads is how so many of us are chained to things that are making our lives miserable yet if anyone suggests that they might have the power to change things and do things differently, then that person is written off as not getting it. As not being sympathetic.
There seems to be a common thread to many of these threads and that is person X writes in with a problem but person X does not want to change him or herself. Person X wants sympathy because the world won't accept him or her as he or she is. The world is giving them a hard time. And everyone for the most part says, oh, that is too bad, it's your life and you ought to be able to live it the way you want to.
Well--yes, up to a point. But if something is interfering with your ability to function, to the point that it is bothering you, to the point it is making your life difficult, then you need to ask, is this something I can change or am I forever doomed to live this way? And I am afraid that many of us have come up with the second answer. We didn't choose the quirks that hold us back so therefore we don't need to do anything about them.
I have a friend who became a vegan back when there were very few vegetarians around let alone vegans. Going out to eat with him was always an interesting experience. Because he would ask servers and cooks questions about how the food was prepared. While no one ever treated him rudely in my presence I am sure that he did occasionally come in for some rude treatment. If so, he never complained about it. It was his choice to have such a restricted diet at a time when this was not fashionable and he took it in stride that not everyone would be accepting about it. Personally I saw no sense in putting that particular chain around my neck because I could see how it limited him. He, of course, saw it differently. It was a matter of deep moral conviction, so for him the hassles and sacrifices were worth it.
I see so many people who are unhappy because they are chained to self-imposed restrictions. Maybe they didn't freely choose them as did my friend. But what I don't see is "what am I doing about it?" How am I trying to overcome this obstacle?
I didn't always have my act together. There were a lot of mistakes I made. But I also grew up in a climate that was quite different than today. I was not allowed to persist in habits that would handicap me as I got older. I will name just one. When I was quite small I was utterly terrified of the noise flushing toilets made in public restrooms. If I was in a public restroom and someone flushed a toilet I went into a meltdown. I never had this problem at home. My parents could not understand and I could not explain to them that it was the acoustics in the public restroom that caused my sensory overload. In fact, if you had said sensory overload to them they wouldn't have understood the concept because it wasn't even a concept then.
As you can imagine this caused no end of problems. This is how my parents dealt with it. Each and every time I had a meltdown, I was paddled HARD with a wooden board about 12 inches long, 2 inches wide and 1/4 inch thick which was kept in a drawer for that purpose. Back then this was not considered child abuse. But you know what--it may have been cruel, but it worked. I learned--not overnight, true, but I learned--that having meltdowns over flushing toilets was not acceptable behavior. Now, imagine if my parents had taken the approach that seems popular today and made little or no attempt to change me. How well could I function today with a public restroom phobia? I certainly could not work at my job where most of the toilets are automatic flush. I'd be restricted in what I could and could not do. And I'd probably be miserable. But hey--it's your life, you can live it the way you want to. There'd be no shortage of sympathetic listeners on forums like this. But would that really help me? Sometimes the people who say things that you don't want to hear are more your friends than those that hold your hand and say the things you do.
I'm not against sympathy and I realize many people's brains are still developing. I would not want to go back to the old days where we were ignorant about things like sensory overload. And yet, I tend to agree with Dr. Grandin that in some ways those of us who did live through those times are better off, because we were made accountable for our behavior. There was an understanding that if you wanted to be part of society there were certain ways that you could and could not act; and if you were not capable or willing to adjust then you couldn't be part of society. I wouldn't want to go back to that again either. I guess what it boils down to, is that if you are going to restrict yourself and say "I can't", then you ought to be like my friend and do it for a good reason. Life is too short to spend it in miserable martyrdom for no purpose.
But there was one thing they didn't do which they could have, and that is that they apparently made no attempt to interfere with Paul's preaching or letter-writing or visits from friends. Maybe it's because the Romans were not into thought control like modern police states. Once he was locked up he could no longer incite riots and that's all they were concerned about.
Anyway, as I said, we've been talking about chains and I think there has been some real healing going on in these meetings as people feel safe to share their stories. A lot of them have to do with wounded family relationships. Don't get me wrong, I'm still as agnostic as ever, but there is something about coming together and supporting each other that is for lack of a better word, therapeutic. I don't know if it is our particular age-group but this group seems to be more "tough-minded" than some I've been involved with in the past--there are no easy, saccharine answers. Several group members have even attended seminars designed to help minister to people with big problems. There's a willingness to talk about issues that was not present a few decades ago.
But healing in this sense is not a passive thing. You have to work at it and it's not easy work. And one thing that disturbs me when I read some of the threads is how so many of us are chained to things that are making our lives miserable yet if anyone suggests that they might have the power to change things and do things differently, then that person is written off as not getting it. As not being sympathetic.
There seems to be a common thread to many of these threads and that is person X writes in with a problem but person X does not want to change him or herself. Person X wants sympathy because the world won't accept him or her as he or she is. The world is giving them a hard time. And everyone for the most part says, oh, that is too bad, it's your life and you ought to be able to live it the way you want to.
Well--yes, up to a point. But if something is interfering with your ability to function, to the point that it is bothering you, to the point it is making your life difficult, then you need to ask, is this something I can change or am I forever doomed to live this way? And I am afraid that many of us have come up with the second answer. We didn't choose the quirks that hold us back so therefore we don't need to do anything about them.
I have a friend who became a vegan back when there were very few vegetarians around let alone vegans. Going out to eat with him was always an interesting experience. Because he would ask servers and cooks questions about how the food was prepared. While no one ever treated him rudely in my presence I am sure that he did occasionally come in for some rude treatment. If so, he never complained about it. It was his choice to have such a restricted diet at a time when this was not fashionable and he took it in stride that not everyone would be accepting about it. Personally I saw no sense in putting that particular chain around my neck because I could see how it limited him. He, of course, saw it differently. It was a matter of deep moral conviction, so for him the hassles and sacrifices were worth it.
I see so many people who are unhappy because they are chained to self-imposed restrictions. Maybe they didn't freely choose them as did my friend. But what I don't see is "what am I doing about it?" How am I trying to overcome this obstacle?
I didn't always have my act together. There were a lot of mistakes I made. But I also grew up in a climate that was quite different than today. I was not allowed to persist in habits that would handicap me as I got older. I will name just one. When I was quite small I was utterly terrified of the noise flushing toilets made in public restrooms. If I was in a public restroom and someone flushed a toilet I went into a meltdown. I never had this problem at home. My parents could not understand and I could not explain to them that it was the acoustics in the public restroom that caused my sensory overload. In fact, if you had said sensory overload to them they wouldn't have understood the concept because it wasn't even a concept then.
As you can imagine this caused no end of problems. This is how my parents dealt with it. Each and every time I had a meltdown, I was paddled HARD with a wooden board about 12 inches long, 2 inches wide and 1/4 inch thick which was kept in a drawer for that purpose. Back then this was not considered child abuse. But you know what--it may have been cruel, but it worked. I learned--not overnight, true, but I learned--that having meltdowns over flushing toilets was not acceptable behavior. Now, imagine if my parents had taken the approach that seems popular today and made little or no attempt to change me. How well could I function today with a public restroom phobia? I certainly could not work at my job where most of the toilets are automatic flush. I'd be restricted in what I could and could not do. And I'd probably be miserable. But hey--it's your life, you can live it the way you want to. There'd be no shortage of sympathetic listeners on forums like this. But would that really help me? Sometimes the people who say things that you don't want to hear are more your friends than those that hold your hand and say the things you do.
I'm not against sympathy and I realize many people's brains are still developing. I would not want to go back to the old days where we were ignorant about things like sensory overload. And yet, I tend to agree with Dr. Grandin that in some ways those of us who did live through those times are better off, because we were made accountable for our behavior. There was an understanding that if you wanted to be part of society there were certain ways that you could and could not act; and if you were not capable or willing to adjust then you couldn't be part of society. I wouldn't want to go back to that again either. I guess what it boils down to, is that if you are going to restrict yourself and say "I can't", then you ought to be like my friend and do it for a good reason. Life is too short to spend it in miserable martyrdom for no purpose.
