To start off. I am feeling quite a bit better. Though I have a hard fight ahead.
This fight is me ending my suppression of my own psychosis and other things like my emotions and thoughts. I have to just let go. But also face my thoughts and feelings. Not run from them. And I have been trying alot harder to be mindful. Though I have days, like yesterday, where I trip up and struggle exceedingly.
But what I need to defeat is this fear of change. That and my profound insecurities with interaction and life situations. Talking about my thoughts and feelings, and asking questions are significant struggles of mine. This goes beyond me having ASD. It's like an outright rebellion against generally interacting with people.
But it's not like I ACTUALLY hate people. But I've convinced myself that people will not care or will generally dislike me for no reason. Even people in my life. So the thought made me feel like my thoughts and feelings do not matter. That I am just worthless.
I think it. Therefore I am.
I have failed to realize how powerful and dangerous the power of thought can be. It's created anxeity and paranoia. Through it, I have avoided mentally evolving as a person.
Now I see how damaging my mentality has been. How lost I've been. It's made things look different from my original juvenile perceptions.
The reality of it all has me rethinking everything. Though these realizations have put me through a sea of guilt. I realize now that I have been in the recent past year, that my guilt is what I am wading through.
Though another realization came from this. My unhealthy desire to dwell on thoughts. Positive or negative, I doesn't matter. Both feed my psychosis. My desire to bury my guilt and pain. Bury myself as a person.
Thinking about it. I am in a battle with my psychosis everyday. Trying to keep it suppressed. But it fights back just as hard.
This reminds me of a episode of Samuri Jack, in which he faces his dark self. Full of hatred and his darkest tendencies. The way Jack defeats him is the opposite of what you think.
Because his dark side Mad Jack is a aspect of him. It is a aspect of his emotions. Instead of fighting it. Let it go. Let the feeling pass instead of holding it. Holding on does nothing but eat a person from the inside out.
This is a lesson I needed to be reminded of. And keep in mind as I move forward. Take time to rebalance myself, before I can approach life in any meaningful way.
This fight is me ending my suppression of my own psychosis and other things like my emotions and thoughts. I have to just let go. But also face my thoughts and feelings. Not run from them. And I have been trying alot harder to be mindful. Though I have days, like yesterday, where I trip up and struggle exceedingly.
But what I need to defeat is this fear of change. That and my profound insecurities with interaction and life situations. Talking about my thoughts and feelings, and asking questions are significant struggles of mine. This goes beyond me having ASD. It's like an outright rebellion against generally interacting with people.
But it's not like I ACTUALLY hate people. But I've convinced myself that people will not care or will generally dislike me for no reason. Even people in my life. So the thought made me feel like my thoughts and feelings do not matter. That I am just worthless.
I think it. Therefore I am.
I have failed to realize how powerful and dangerous the power of thought can be. It's created anxeity and paranoia. Through it, I have avoided mentally evolving as a person.
Now I see how damaging my mentality has been. How lost I've been. It's made things look different from my original juvenile perceptions.
The reality of it all has me rethinking everything. Though these realizations have put me through a sea of guilt. I realize now that I have been in the recent past year, that my guilt is what I am wading through.
Though another realization came from this. My unhealthy desire to dwell on thoughts. Positive or negative, I doesn't matter. Both feed my psychosis. My desire to bury my guilt and pain. Bury myself as a person.
Thinking about it. I am in a battle with my psychosis everyday. Trying to keep it suppressed. But it fights back just as hard.
This reminds me of a episode of Samuri Jack, in which he faces his dark self. Full of hatred and his darkest tendencies. The way Jack defeats him is the opposite of what you think.
Because his dark side Mad Jack is a aspect of him. It is a aspect of his emotions. Instead of fighting it. Let it go. Let the feeling pass instead of holding it. Holding on does nothing but eat a person from the inside out.
This is a lesson I needed to be reminded of. And keep in mind as I move forward. Take time to rebalance myself, before I can approach life in any meaningful way.
