I've been watching videos of Aspies talking about dealing with life, work, all kinds of stuff. It is different from reading typed words - when I view people in action - and I mean when they "Aspie out", i.e. have no filter....it shows me in a mirror what I can be like. I relate to it - it's familiar to me, but I had no idea how it feels on the receiving end, and I am finding sometimes it is refreshing, sometimes funny, sometimes fun to relate - but sometimes it is very abrasive and would wear down what energy I would have to be on the receiving end. This is really helping me understand how I might impact others when I am in this no filter mode - whether that is on purpose or whether the mask has slipped due to any number of circumstances. And I am getting the chance to decide whether I like that or not, and that is helping to motivate me further in how to be mindful/careful of my energy levels and my impulses and my word choices to better have the effect I would like - to at least lessen the chance of having the negative impact (imho) that could happen otherwise. It is strange to see on screen and receive what it is that I have been unconsciously putting out there in the world. I do need to focus more on the positives, but by nature, I tend to spend more energy on focusing on the negatives so that I can work on them to make them better (at least in my own opinion). There is one woman on youtube in particular who is really rubbing me the wrong way in how convinced she is of her own opinion (well, I'm betting she is like me - she has strong opinions, but isn't as closed as she comes off - she just sounds very emphatic while explaining her own view). She reminds me of a woman at church who I have wondered about - either she has Asperger's, or she's just an a-hole. She has traits of Asperger's, but she just seems so inconsiderate that she comes off as an a-hole, and I do think I have worked enough on myself to not come off that way as consistently as she does....but I do think I have this internal self that has this tunnel vision....when I see it from the outside, I realize - wait, I am capable of a much bigger perspective than that, but some switch within me makes me tunnel in, and it's not fun for me or the other person, and when I look back on it....it's not even as intelligent as I would want it to be because it's so black and white, so narrow. This will be a whole new chapter to explore in my Aspie self-discovery process. It's a lot of heavy lifting emotionally, but that amazing Aspie logic is helping me a lot with this process, and just recognizing things and shifting things around is helping me - and I think will help me be more successful in navigating and living in this NT world.
Basically.....I do not want to come off the way that I do when I am tunneling/vortexing, whatever you want to call it. I understand this is a very natural thought process for me, but the effects, as I view them, are unacceptable to me. So maybe I would rather blog/journal about those kinds of things - the way I am blogging here. Because I have noticed it's very different to read the words I see/write, rather than listening to/seeing/experiencing these kinds of monologues delivered on camera (and how I am doing it in real life).
One random tidbit....I have noticed that my voice can be very strained when speaking, and for no reason - well, maybe because I am always a bit strained. Others may say it sounds normal, like me - and it's what I thought, too - but I don't particularly like my voice. Then if I am explaining something, I get really emphatic and loud. Well, I have noticed that if I just put all of my focus on my voice, with all it's "imperfections" and focus on appreciating it anyway, then I relax into my voice and it changes - it sounds much more beautiful and relaxing, and I myself feel more relaxed and focused and in the moment rather than silently flinching against the moment while withstanding it.
Basically.....I do not want to come off the way that I do when I am tunneling/vortexing, whatever you want to call it. I understand this is a very natural thought process for me, but the effects, as I view them, are unacceptable to me. So maybe I would rather blog/journal about those kinds of things - the way I am blogging here. Because I have noticed it's very different to read the words I see/write, rather than listening to/seeing/experiencing these kinds of monologues delivered on camera (and how I am doing it in real life).
One random tidbit....I have noticed that my voice can be very strained when speaking, and for no reason - well, maybe because I am always a bit strained. Others may say it sounds normal, like me - and it's what I thought, too - but I don't particularly like my voice. Then if I am explaining something, I get really emphatic and loud. Well, I have noticed that if I just put all of my focus on my voice, with all it's "imperfections" and focus on appreciating it anyway, then I relax into my voice and it changes - it sounds much more beautiful and relaxing, and I myself feel more relaxed and focused and in the moment rather than silently flinching against the moment while withstanding it.
