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Life's Been Truly Hard, But I'm Still Alive

Hi.

It's been a while since I last posted on here. I have no idea of how many people read these entries, how many care or how many just read out of curiosity. Either way, I'm already grateful if you're already in here. Because lately that feeling of loneliness have risen at its maximum. Surrounded by people I love, but my brain can't really be controlled, I guess.

I graduated. I did a lot of paperwork on my own. I went to places. Talked with unknowns. Picked up phone calls. I did my best and got amazing rewards of progression. Yet for me, it's like I did nothing more than what I'm supposed to do.

I would like to warn everyone that this post may turn into a very depressing one with a trigger some may struggle with. I don't want anyone to feel bad just for reading this.

Returning to my point, loneliness. I've spent long time wondering why this feeling doesn't disappear from me. And I've just reached the conclusion is because I can't trust anyone. I'm unable to believe someone will stay by my side, because every time they said so, they went away. I'm unable to believe someone loves me because when they needed to prove so, they simply showed I was never important for me. How old am I? 21? How many people did I lose? Not more than 10? But how many did stay? No more than 5.

In the end, I realized it's not a matter of how long have you lived. How old are you. What live you have carried on. But how deep the pain hurts. How it destroys you inside. It doesn't matter if you're 16 years old and you lose someone and can't never recover from that. I understood is still valid. It's still valid to be hurt. To cry. It's still valid to learn and mature from that. People around me always treat me like I'm still a kid who pretends to be an adult but have no idea of the real world. And maybe it's true. Maybe I'm writing all of this from my 21 years old brain and its point of view.

However, my life has never been as easy or normal as other kids'. Since I can remember I've been suffering because of my mental health and the issues that provoked to me around instead of just playing around like any other kid. I only remembered fear and confusion, though. That made me wonder the why of so many stuff earlier than usual. Aslo, the divorce of my parents wasn't easy, especially because my father used me for hurting my mother for years and that caused my brain to close all those memories in an attempt to survive from such psychological abuse. The bullying in school for years completely dag my mental grave and almost the real one. All of that before I was even 14 years old.

I'm aware there are way more kids out there whose lives are completely devastated by horrible situations I won't mention because I don't feel the need. However, if I always compare myself with the worst and I must be thankful for what I have even if it's bad, will I even be able to progress, to search for something better? Until I understood this, first, I thought my life was just normal, something usual. Until I understood that it's not normal to be anxious for playing, it's not normal to live psychological abuse from a father, it's not normal to have a family without uncles, auntes, cousins, grandparents because the whole family hates my mother, it's not normal to reach a point in life being so young where you literally need to die. And second, because I started to valuate myself a little bit.

And I did thanks to psychological help I could find. I graduated from middle school whan I thought I wouldn't. I did some friends. I went partying. I tried my best to have a normal life just as anyone else of my age. For my surprise, I realize I would never be able to have such. I couldn't study because the bullying created kind of a trauma with going to class and I'm unable to return with people of my age. I couldn't go out because mainly I felt down, sick or couldn't pay it as we're poor. I didn't like to parties or clubs because in the end, I just forced myself under the pressure to fit, when what I love is quiet plans with a few friends.

I saw all my friends going to college, starting to work, to travel by themselves, have driving ID, and all my life was meant to follow a Japanese group of music and translate their stuff. I put all my frustration into what I liked because in the end being blind is the best option. Not seeing the poisoned world around me made me happy. Not understanding I wouldn't be able to keep that behaviour for much longer because time never stops was better than realizing I couldn't work without studies. Not understanding my family troubles because not seeing all my blood relatives want us to live in the streets before losing a single penny more was happier. Not understanding our econommic situation because in the end, no one really told me as I was too young. Not understanding I was already 19 years old and I had done nothing else but to follow a group. Not seeing the disaster, the failure I was made me go on alive.

But pandemic happened. Real world hit me on the face. All my life I had gone around with my mother, but suddenly I was left alone in doctors, in studies, in all as we had to follow the covid rules. I started to have to go to places alone and I couldn't keep up with the talk, couldn't understand the instructions or embarrassed myself by having to ask constantly. I started to have phone calls with the anxiety it supposes to me. My mother began to be seriously overwhelmed with my sister's condition due to mental illness too. And as I grew up with that feeling that I'm a burden, I never asked her for help. I found my way to go alone. I understood I had to live by myself from now on.

Probably, it's when everything returned to me as a hurricane. In the past, I had two relationships at distance when both people abused me psychologically too. That's why I totally closed myself around others, so no one would ever hurt me like they did. It was the perfect excuse to continue my idea of being completely at my own. I didn't learn from that, just make it an excuse to hurt myself even more. Maybe like a kind of punishment for being so horrible that no one wants to stay by my side.

But now, today, when I look back and analyses it all as a whole. Each person, their actions, their words, the situation, my actions, my feelings, me myself. When I consider everything, I understood that I've tried so hard to be normal that everyone thought I actually was, but none could ever see my ache inside. Mainly because I never ever let anyone see how much sorrow my soul carries. I completely closed myself and showed a prototype to the world. A happy prototype with no anxiety, fears, thoughts. Today I know this is not a way to go on, this isn't healthy. However, my life isn't giving me a break to recover first. Suddenly, I must go to class by obligation or I wouldn't get my mother into big trouble. Suddenly, the world got way way more expensive and we cannot afford even food or meds. Suddenly, the only person who has always helped us, my grandmother, has been chased away from her own house by decision of a third party and this party doesn't want to bring us any help anymore even if it's not their money, nor their decision. Suddenly, I found myself as the only one without a job from my whole class.

Yes, that's probably life. And yes, probably many people was in this situation and overcame it. But as I said before, I wouldn't stop to compare myself with the worst, so I won't compare myself with the best either. Many people can carry on after horrible situations and others can't. Why? Because each person is different and as I said previously, each person is hurt deeper.

So even if it may sound eggocentric, narcissistic and completely not humble, I put my feelings, my pain and my struggles first because for first time in my life I believe those are also important. I went through the loss of someone as if I didn't deserve to feel pain and cry. Only now I see how I had the right to suffer as anyone else independently of who I was. Because no one writes down when it's the right moment to feel in such a way and with which intensity. Because I have the right to show I am hurt, I am not okay, I'm done with everything and everyone. I have the right to get angry, to cry, to laugh and be happy if I feel like that, regardless of anything around me.

I know this yet why am I unable to put it in practice? I do completely the opposite of this. I swallow my anger. I hide my tears. I pretend my laugh. And I'm not happy anymore.

Because hastily, I realized I'm afraid that my life is fated to be unlucky. I do wonder if it will always keep like this. Everyone loves the possitive messages that anyone can overcome anything working hard, but I know a lot of people who worked hard for nothing more than misfortune. Some lives seems that will only meet the ugly side of this world no matter how hard they try to be happy. And I'm deeply afraid it will always keep like this. Or worse. I work hard. And I promise that life just rewards me with frustration and pain.

I am too young, long life ahead, many things can occur. Yes, I do agree. But do I really want it to come? Do I really want to continue working this hard, suffering this much daily just guided by the hope something good will eventually come?

I don't know if good things will ever come. I don't know if I will find a job as I'm unable to maintain one healthily. I don't know if I will keep my friends because I feel we're slowly drawing apart and I'm truly clumpsy to make new friends. I don't know even if I will find someone special who can love me because in the end, I can't understand love, what it implies. I don't know if my mental health will improve because lately it's just breaking apart.

But I know what I will have to live no matter what. The loss of my mother. The loss of my cats. The loss of my grandmother. What if my sister never recovers and ends up having a disgraceful life and I have to see that? I don't want anyone I love going through an illness. I don't want to face all of that. I don't want more pain to come because I have no idea how to overcome any glimpse more.

I don't want to die. I promise I would love to discover new experiences, travel, work, meeting new people, having my own love story. But for that, I have to pay the price that I have to live and overcome all the bad first and sometimes, I want to give up. Neither my body nor my brain can handle more. It's seriously exhausting. I'm seriously exhausted.

I think the worst guilt I must carry on my shoulders is that I reconsider the idea of stopping my own life. I must be lucky to know that I need help and get the strenght from I don't know where to search for another way. It's a good idea if I search for the suicide hotline in my country. Reaching this point, I can't trust I won't hurt me.

If you read all, you have my most sincere gratitude.

Tomoya 20/07/2022 10:23PM

Comments

I relate to so much of what you put into words, and i thank you for sharing this.

I can't say for sure that the future will be better, or that everything will be alright if you try hard.

But no matter how hard it gets, you will always be a valuable and precious person. And you deserve to be happy.
 

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Irakus34
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