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Day 8: Am I a Villain

By Moonhart44 · Oct 2, 2020 · ·
  1. I feel this way. I feel like i am constantly fighting this urge to not be evil. My urges are more along the lines of taking advantage of weaker people, or wanting to project constantly because i am anxious and depressed. I think about how I used to view people with autism. Even back then, I thought even deeper, "what if i hate these people because i relate to them?" (little did i know i was just hating myself). I still have this feeling that this is why i am evil (my autism). I think an example that best comes to mind is star wars and star trek.

    in star wars, as we know, there are siths, and siths deal in absolutes. I feel, one of my personal traits of autism, is that I have a very polarized mind set.

    In star trek, there is the borg, who assimilate. I personally like the idea of a hivemind. I like the idea of a bunch of people working towards a greater cause. I think identity can be overrated, especially in the US (the us' obsession with individuality affects why people here hate masks (the want to stand out and not blend in, and they think they are unique enough to be exempt from the rules of a pandemic), and in turn as resulted in less mask wearers, more denial, and the reason why other countries have banned their citizens from coming here. i think many us people or westernized countries that are new relative to old countries with a more homogenized population will see this as a repulsive idea.

    In the past, I liked these attributes of myself. I always looked up to people (movies/shows/divas) who were powerful and evil, because, i am realizing, i related to that.

    i dont think I am evil in a psychopathic way, meaning i have a conscious. i dont like mutilation. I basically like to watch things unfold on people who make bad decisions. I will try to help sometimes, but i see no point, as everyone thinks i'm an idiot anyways, and they do not listen to me.

    here is another picture of my evil children. they are evil because they dont let me rest and they use their charm to make me forgive them.

    About Author

    I am an Los Angeles native who moved to Virginia in an attempt to travel. I am an artist by trade, and passionate about my job. I have two pets: a dwelf sphynx and a pug (the pug came with me to Virginia from California). My counselor diagnosed me with Severe Depressive Disorder, General Anxiety Disorder, and Autsim Spectrum Disorder 1. I am also currently trying to get my Masters. I have a BA in Psych, double minor in art and writing, and working on my Masters in Art History.
    Joshua Aaron likes this.


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  1. Rae Ray
  2. Mrs Twillight Zone
    This is interesting for me to read as my son has begun saying he thinks he is evil and that he has evil thoughts. He also deals in absolutes, isn't that the nature of the "beast"? I agree wit the previous reply, you are not evil! You have bad thoughts, everyone has bad thoughts. You don't go out of your way to hurt anyone and most likely if you did hurt someone, you would feel bad or sorry. Don't get down on yourself, everyone has value xxx
      Moonhart44 likes this.
  3. some/aspies/need/hugs/13
    I want you to know that I don't think that is evil consider that electricians also deal in absolutes but they are not evil in fact they help provide power to a lot of people and they deal with a very rigid set of standards known as the NEC which leaves very little wiggle room. Also as to the hivemind consider a synchronized swimming team they have to all be thinking about the same thing at the same time to pull off their performance yet it is a thing of beauty not evil and yet it is the closest analog to a hive mind
      Spartan likes this.
    1. Moonhart44
      thse are good points. I feel that it is not necessarily inherently wrong to like hive minds and deal in absolutes, but it seems like most NT people see this as wrong, and it makes me feel wrong. it makes me feel wrong to say that i like those traits about myself i guess.