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Day 11: another day of confusion

I went to bed early so it compensated for my cat SCREAMING for pets. I couldn't go back to sleep. I kept worrying if my bf would forget about my birthday. I am very confident that he has. I am worried about reminding him. I dont want to. He forgot to do anything for our anniversary in May. I say "forget to do anything" instead "forgot wholly our anniversary" because if you talk to him, he will deny it. he doesn't like to take blame, but who does in the face of accusation?

If he forgets it, i am not sure what I'll do. i guess it theoretically should mean that our relationship is over, because of our past. i am worried he will talk his way out of it. i am worried i am weak. but everyone forgets it. my old ex-best friend yelled at me on my birthday when i tried to hint at her that it was my birthday, because she was "tired". Only my parents remember it. My mom decided to sign a lease for my brother who refuses any form of help or medication. I worry about this in conjunction with my birthday. I worry about how my brother will suck my mother dry, and how one day no one will be here to say it to me. Nobody in school ever remembered it, nobody at work ever remembers/ed it. if i throw a birthday party, no one will come. I know i am freaking out about something that hasn't happened yet, but i guess this is how i am. this is my GAD i guess.

SOME good news. But I'm sardonic so I'll twist it, naturally: the shop i work at is liek a company, and they transferred me/demoted me to another spot far away. i didnt want to visit my previous location for these reasons: i felt discarded because they did not appreciate me being there. I felt betrayed because everyone threatened to quit if they were transferred. I feel alone because my coworkers proved how correct my concerns were about them. BUT i went over there, and people were nice to me. they liked my hair (I put in dreads myself. they took 10 hours to do). I consulted a coworker about a tattoo. One artist who i felt particularly close to (and thus particularly betrayed by), greeted me and we talked. she talked about how "we need to hang out soon" and she said of course, "i miss you". these phrases mean nothing to me, and they promise nothing but tears. Of course, i am polite in person. As betrayed as I feel, I don't want to project that onto others, and i also dont want people to know how bothered by all this i am. i dont want to be vulnerable around these people.

the actual point: she said, everyone is talking about how ur work is improving.

i think my work is improving because i am away from the stress of that particular shop. when i worked there, i was forced to do all the walkins, because the other workers refused, and this was a large load thrusted upon me. it was very stressful, and i messed up because i had to do back to back to back . . . i didnt even have tiem to eat some days, and i had 12 hour shifts. i was also told i wasnt good enough to do big work, but they worked me anyways. i had the hardest schedule. i know this because my boss laughed and agreed when i pointed it out. but i always did my duty as much as i could because i didnt want to be demoted. but i was anyways. i know it seems like its my job, but its me. this is my experience everywhere.

anyways i didnt like that she said my work was improving. i feel she is very condescending, and not on purpose necessarily, because i am a lot younger than her, and honestly, i would possibly have the same tone if roles were swtiched. i just hate heariing the constant suprise of people seeing me function.


I hate to hear of these things happening to you. I want to say AGAIN, "stay strong", but that is soo lame. All I can say truthfully is, I do hope the best for You Ms. Moonhart44, and I do hope things start to go Your way. At least you know there are Ppl. cheering for You here.

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