I am thankful that this week is less stressful. for a few months, i've been in this depressive episode. i think i am still there but i feel i am near a silver lining. Right now I feel positive about myself in that I am beginning to believe i am worth something. the problem i really do have is that i am afraid i dont really believe that. I write that because I am back with my bf, and I am sure that has something to do with my self-worth. I don't like that. My ex now bf basically admitted to me I was right (alghouth he will not see it that way), and that he should be fully committed and that he wants to have m children and take care of me. I dont think i've ever heard any man in my life ever say that, let alone saying they want to take are of me. He realizes we are both weird (sometimes I suspect he is autistic, mostly because we both have such terrible misintepretations when we speak to each other, and that he has obessive traits and all that, etc) and that being separated to "work on each other" doesnt make sense. he said if we do that then we will never be ready because BLAH BLAH. we all know the spheal. spcheil. (?) When he was speaking to me about this and as the day passed, i thought about a few things:
1) I am a pretty cool person, and that can be intimidating to men, especially when they are looking for a partner to support THEIR lifestyle. I realize I don't care about these men who want to marry sub par (in their eyes) women to make themselves be better in comparison (or really, a woman who is dumb enough to stay loyal and be cheated on.) i see this a lot in my industry. I hear men complain about their wives a lot. i even brought this up to my bf, and he agreed, yes this is what [NT] men want.
2) I dont NEED my ex to be around as much as i felt i did in the past. that was anxiety based on insecurity. I find the schedules we have now qute freeing. I was so worried about infidelity, or him not carrying about me, that i forgot about the benefits of being all alone and how much i really love that. Right now, I am basically trying to focus on loving myself, and in turn it has made me realize how . . . hmm "irrational" we'll say. . . how IRRATIONAL i was in terms of my expectations. I also was not considering this mans own strength and weaknesses, only thinking "if i can do then he should be able to do it". thats not necessarily a correct way of thinking, because i undersell myself and i actually CAN do a lot of what others can't.
3) Sometimes other people's goal is to bring you down because they hate themselves. I do this too, and it is totally unintentional. i have to remember that we are all, in a sense, broken, and to be patient with people who are not their in their journey, but to of course to set boundaries. i am very bad at that. my ex actually went searching for me when i completely cut him off, and to me this is normal behaviour. i realize after repeating it, it is not normal behavior, but it also speaks on the kind of relationships ive been in i guess. also... i have to admit it played to my girl fantasy of him- coming-even-though-i-dont-want-him-here-to-see-if-he-really-cares-about-me. Maybe I lean toward the asexual side, but for me sexual tension and the pursuit is much more exciting than the ends of said pursuit.
i am still going to write here. i think this writing thing is helping. i think i am indoctrinating myself, haha.
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