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Personal
2-1-24
I woke up wanting to go back to sleep. Why do I always get up at 7am? I stayed up til midnight watching a movie called Let There Be Light on Prime Freevee. Also the sun wasn’t coming in the windows and the room wasn’t the right temperature. So I turned off the fan. Then my feet felt too...
1-31-24
My test revealed that I have a hard time with sequencing and following steps. I can relate to this because I can’t cook for this reason. I have to watch someone cook and memorize what they do but it’s only good for short term memory so I lose it over and over again. Then I just always...
1-31-24
Today I decided to take the bus to church instead of my usual ride from a church member. I recently found that there was a bus that would drop me off right in front of the church if I took a bus instead of the trolley. I don’t have a car and I find the fast pace of driving to be scary...
I know the title doesn't make sense, but it pertains to my habitual desire to quit before I even begin. I've taken to calling it Quiter's Syndrome.
Though humorous labling aside. I do consider this a serious issue within myself. Though the two major points that made me break to the point of...
I am a Self-tormenter. Inflicting punishments on myself. Believing I don't deserve anything, because I will not allow myself to get over my own upbringing. I feel like the only thing I am obligated to is beratement and punishment for being who I am.
Though the worst punishment I have done to...
All my life has been one way sympathies. Me trying to respond to other people's kindness without having anything to give. I don't have worth according to them. I accept this without hating myself but being with them is hard. Their subconscious feelings affect me too hard and make me feel...
It's a 'please, don't trample the flowerbed!' continue.
We're taught not to step on flowerbeds since childhood when there's still no distinction between man-made and natural. Why should a flower inside a flowerbed be more important or beautiful than a wild one? Why should a flowerbed, bordered...
In the past i begged for people's attention and love. Faking a personality and hiding everything i am, trying to win the prize of people's tolerance. It made me hate myself all the more since i had to work hard for it, it means i am naturally defective, ugly and disgusting. I also felt guilty...
Waiting to hear from the mechanic about when he can look at the car. He said he'd check his diary today and let me know. Work has given me today off, and I have no work until Friday. That is, if I can get my car fixed by Thursday. I hope for a quick fix. I asked my folks if I could borrow their...
There are alot of factors that either are traits of my parents or cause by them being horrible people:
- My response to being suggested logical considerations, is self-deprecation.
- My response to being called out, is throwing a tantrum.
- My response to life being the way it is, is fear.
-...
Woke up feeling quite refreshed. On my drive in I felt rather positive. Later in the morning I had soke missed calls, they wanted me to change shift on Sunday and work a round in central Cambridge. I'm not keen on the traffic and one of the clients, but I said yes as there's so clients who are...
While i feel lonely sometimes, my oldest emotion is the want to be alone. Because when you are alone there is no shame. No disgusting other people and dirtying them.
When i think of the present time, this thought does not make much sense but it persists. Like all feelings i wont deny this one...
For a very long time, I have felt trapped by the situation I was in growing up. But the truth is, I wasn't as trapped as I made myself believe. The only real trap was the lies I told myself. That I am in a hopeless situation. My stepmother despised me. My father never was around as much as I...
Time to face the music of sobriety - flushed the last bit of weed I had the other night. Most times I smoked my aches and symptoms of stress would get worse. A lot smoke for pain, for me it made it worse. I get a lot more done in life when sober, but I always miss weed whenever I give it up...
I am growing tired of, even find annoyance, with videogames. Not because I just flipped a switch and just started hating them. It's a more personal reason. Videogames have consumed my whole life or at least what little life I had through existing.
I've noticed that all my mind wants to think...
After the events in Israel of October 7th, I fell into a pretty bad spiral of fear and doom. Watching subsequent world events affected me very strongly until finally, this past weekend, I pretty much just fell apart.
My blogging here during that time was emotional and I have removed some things...
I will be meeting with a health care provider for the first official step toward my evaluation for ASD.
I believe that today's step is just the initial screening to see whether I get to take a full evaluation.
Still, I am extremely nervous. This will be my first time speaking with an authority...
My wife shared with me today the fact that having the framework of autism as a prism through which to view my behaviors has already helped her to understand me better.
We have a fantastic marriage and she is a remarkably patient and empathetic person who also happens to have an academic...
I got a text from an old co-worker of mine today. He's a really good guy whom I respect, but we only chat once or twice a year. We usually talk about politics and current events.
Today I told him that I'm making peace with possibly being ASD1.
His response? "Oh. Makes sense. It also explains...
As I make peace with the falling away of my religious faith, I have been going to atheist YouTube channels and reading some threads which discuss religion.
I have been very surprised by some aspects of the atheist channels and by some of the posts by non-religious people. The number one thing I...