I'm having a particularly difficult day today. I'm sorry I keep coming and going from these forums... I just have been going through these phases lately where I'm not social at all, anywhere, don't even crack open my laptop. And then sometimes I hyperfocus on a particular group or something. Whatever...
I feel like I'm such a giant mess. I don't feel like I'm recovering in any kind of way. I know I am, but the progress is so slow, it's barely noticeable. I'm still not working, not going to school, not really doing much of anything with myself. I lose track of the days, the time, everything. Sometimes I wake up and I can't remember the day before. I know I can't go on like this, but I don't know how to snap myself out of it. There is this giant brain fog inside that won't allow me to control my focus even to do exercises that are supposed to help with snapping me out of this.
Today has been especially awful. I woke up... and... it's hard to explain. I just couldn't seem to get my mind straight enough to make space for input. So as soon as input started, it just seemed to overwhelm and confuse me. It's not like I was thinking about anything in particular. My head was filled with cotton or static or something, though, which made everything a jumbled mess inside. My boyfriend came home on a break as a surprise. Instead, it just irritated me. I wanted to be alone. His touch irritated me. His words made me feel more frustrated, more confused. I ended up exploding. That, of course, made him feel bad. And I couldn't seem to be in control of myself. After he left, even though it was hot... I turned the overhead fan off because I realized the moving air was getting on my nerves. EVERYTHING IS GETTING ON MY NERVES TODAY. That's pretty much it. Along with simultaneously feeling fatigued, and also tense, so I couldn't figure out if I needed to take something to energize myself, or take something to calm my nerves.
And this almost always inevitably ends with a major existential crisis. The neverending questions of how am I supposed to create a new formula of functioning when I ultimately cannot control everything, and everything is also not ultimately left up to chance? How can anyone live their lives with so much uncertainty, so many variables with no constants, so much unknown?
Apraxia. All day. Either can't think, can't talk, or both. Which just makes me feel angry because it makes me feel so stupid and confused about everything. Even the words that do come out aren't conveying what I'm trying to convey. I feel like I am trudging through mud in my head. And my anger over the entire situation always ends up getting projected at someone else, even though I don't want it to... which is the entire reason why I tend to prefer being alone when this happens. I can't handle PEOPLE at all. Even my boyfriend. And he doesn't understand. He doesn't understand how frustrating and upsetting it is to try to talk when I can't talk or when I can't think, even enough to tell him to leave me alone. It'll come out angry. It'll hurt his feelings. I know I'm supposed to communicate somehow, and it's okay to text, even, but... what do you do when you can't think well enough to even think of the words to say to tell someone what you need?
Today is a day I cannot human. I wish I was a fish.
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