I've been really depressed and emotional lately, due to a multitude of factors. It's hard to define them all here, but I'll try:
- working on CPTSD recovery, which involves a lot of wading around in traumatic memories
- getting constantly triggered on accident by my boyfriend
- getting sensory overload/overwhelmed on accident by my boyfriend
- my boyfriend having emotional needs I can't even begin to fulfill when I'm in this state
- flashbacks, oh god, flashbacks
- getting hypervigilant and paranoid about my boyfriend really being a narcissistic sociopath
- getting hypervigilant and paranoid about my safety, my ability to heal, ability to cope, justification for even continuing to live
- struggling with my self esteem and trust that I will get better, because right now it just has seemed like I'm getting worse, and I haven't been able to work or do much of anything except have nervous breakdowns and meltdowns
Well, today it absolutely hit the ceiling. Lately, my boyfriend has been feeling insecure about himself and our relationship, and I will completely own up the responsibility for that. He's kind of been a bit of a selfish jerk and I've been calling him on it because I quite simply can't handle it. Well, his reaction has been like... following me to the bathroom because he's worried about me... and generally just... ughhhhh. Not giving me any privacy, personal space, or consideration, like... I was trying to do meditation the other night and he came in and started watching a video. So I turned that off and started journaling. Then he sat down right next to me, so close I had no privacy for journaling at all, and literally could not do anything except sit there while he played a video game. I asked him what he was doing, and he started going into details about the game, with it not even occurring to him that I was asking WTF he was doing sitting up so close to me that I couldn't DO anything. So I got up and went to the bathroom to chill off. And he followed me. And I ended up just completely losing my ****. So I texted my best friend. But I realized how late at night it was, so I only sent that one text, and hoped I didn't wake her up.
Fast forward to this morning, needless to say... it was a rough day yesterday. And the day before that. And the day before that. Pretty much the past two weeks straight have been like this. I have been waking up feeling like crap in the morning as a result. Like, I can't even hit reset in my sleep any more, it's gotten that bad. And I wake up this morning to a text from her... chewing me out because I didn't ask her how she was doing.
She's au. I'm au. Neither of us has EVER used social scripts with each other, and it's never been a problem in the past. If she wants to talk to me about something, she talks. Same here. If I don't hear from her in a few days, or she seems unusually quiet, THEN I will text her something like "hey, what's up? haven't heard from you in a while" etc. But in general, this need for social scripting has NEVER been previously discussed. Worst of all, she called me selfish for texting her about the issues I've been having without saying "hi how are you" and basically treating our communication like it's a tea party and not like... I dunno... I've been going through any kind of major personal crisis? As she has also in the past, and I never once got upset about her not doing any of that. That's just, to me, one of those things about friendships. You consider each other. You don't start complaining about the other person not asking about you when you know the other person has literally been trying to just stay alive. Whatever.
This however, considering the mood I was already in, almost pushed me over the edge. I will admit it. I was ready to give up trying AT ALL. Take myself out of the picture permanently. Because it made me feel like no matter how hard I try, I'll never be good enough, simply because I'm damaged, and that I'll never recover from being damaged, because no one wants to be there for me unless I'm showing more concern for them than I am like, actually getting better and not feeling like killing myself every day when I wake up.
Fortunately, my boyfriend actually came through this time.... and he managed to get me to a place where I could start thinking more objectively about the situation. At least enough to understand that I'm not completely hopeless, and it's okay to be angry at her for this, and I'm not being selfish in the least by simply asking someone to listen and be there for me.
My cousin is encouraging me to apologize to her just to smooth things over, but I'm not sure I can. The old me could do it quite easily. But this new me feels like I shouldn't be apologizing if I literally have nothing to apologize for, and cannot change the behaviour that has upset her so much. I can't call someone a friend if I have to formally communicate with them like we're in a business environment. Especially if I have to do that while simulatenously falling apart emotionally. I have already done so much for her... there's no reason for her to think at ALL that I'm selfish and uncaring. It seems to me like she is the one being selfish and uncaring. And I'm sorry, but I can't seem to bring myself to apologize to her for her own selfish behaviour.
Moreover, I don't understand how someone who is supposedly au would suddenly flip out over the lack of social scripting, when every au I've ever known HATES that ****, because it's fake, and we know it. The most I can figure out is what she's really upset about is that I'm not petting her ego... but...
I've never been that type of person, and never will be. I don't like others doing it to me, either. I'm all for authenticity on both sides. And I'm not going to jump down your throat just because you're being authentically you, and you don't stop every once in a while to give me a pat on the head. Please don't ask the same of me. If I see you're feeling down, I may do it, simply because I want to see you happier and feeling better. But please don't ask me to feed....
.... narcissism. That's what this really boils down to for me. I'm allergic to it. And right now especially, I am raging against everything that is narcissistic, fake, etc. It doesn't have to be pretty. It just has to be REAL, damnit.
And it puzzles me why I just got called selfish today for NOT being fake. That makes NO SENSE TO ME AT ALL.
But it does remind me why, in general, I don't talk to anyone or trust them to help when I need a listening ear, or a shoulder to cry on. This isn't the first time someone blew up on me for needing them and not thinking about them first and foremost. So typically, I just am there for everyone else, and never ask anyone to be there for me. Because when I do.... this is what happens. FTW.
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Apparently, it is "selfish" of me to be genuine, and not use fake social scripts...