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Stupid

I don't want to burden others with my depression any longer. I picture my friends, at home, having a good time, doing their own thing. But then a text from me comes in, and it is just despair. They say they don't mind, they say it is okay. But it doesn't feel okay. It has been a 4+ year battle with depression and I feel that my friends are exasperated with me. Truth is there is nothing they could really say to me to fix things, this is all on me (and my therapist and doctor).

I am not good at some boundaries. I partially lost a friend because I kept dumping on them even though they asked me to stop. I didn't meant to do this, I didn't understand what they were asking. I think they still like me. I saw them in a group this weekend and everything was normal. But I don't know how to approach them. I want them to message me first, since I was the one who hurt them. But at the same time I don't know if I'm supposed to message them first, and they think that I am blowing them off.

When I am with a group of people at work in a friendly context, I don't quite know how to act. I make friends pretty much soley through humor. I use self deprecating humor, which in the end makes me look like a joke. People generally think I am nice. I am very introverted. I don't even know what I am getting on about here. I hate myself and I hate writing.

Writing is supposed to help you feel better. But it just makes me feel stupid and just reminds me how complex my thoughts are.

Comments

For me the part of writing that is healing is after you are done with writing. The thoughts now expressed have no reason to stay in the head (for a while). I would probably enjoy talking to you, these feelings of insecurity are very familiar.
 
First and foremost, you are not that S word.

What you are is a sensitive and considerate individual that respects and values your friends. I think if you text or call your friend and explain as you have above that things will improve.

I truly understand the heaviness of depression having lived with it for decades. Unfortunately I am a refractory or non-responder to any and all antidepressants so I just live with it. It is definitely not easy but I have no choice.

Wishing you only the best.
 

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nervous habits
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