I am feeling exact way I felt last night. this is a new feeling. two days in a row, i feel this way. that is not new. what makes this different is i no longer have suicide to tell me that i don't have to feel this way ever again. Now, i feel. Now, i know i will continue to have night after night of feeling this way, with no escape.
Life is god damn scary. looking at it in a certain light, life is unending torture. I have looked at life from this extreme, to the positive extreme. Life… i can't even make the statement of saying is awesome, i don't know if such a huge statement is true.
it is a commitment, that is for sure. Only under a month ago, i made the comitment to live. putting all of my money on one square, i am starting to rethink this decision… not in a suicidal way.
This is life, to feel. To feel to any extreme, and have no easy way out. day after day of being forced to suffer or thrive of off emotions that are most of the time out of our control.
I took a walk. at first, i was going out for a smoke to feel better. i thought lack of nicotine might be a reason as to why i feel this way, a solution to feeling this way. during this, it hit me that i could be doing stairs. exercise would make me feel a lot better than inhaling toxic fumes. who would guess?
problem wa, i only have these old pair of heavy leather boots. that was reasoning enough for me not to go. From there though, i had to do something, do i just took a walk and let my mind wander.
I talk to myself. thoughts are a messy thing. inside your head, you think they make sense, until you try to put thoughts into words. Thoughts are not stored in cohesive statements, and nice little essays. Instead, they are garbled up strings of ideas, tied together in a unwanted knot of connections.
By talking to myself, i unwravel that knot, and can start to rationalise, and build off of what i know into a cohesive point, backed up by a exponential tree of ideas underneath it.
the conclusion to my thoughts was basically, “suck it up” This is life, and this is what i signed up for. Even though jow, i weaseled my way out of feeling like shi…. poop, by just giving my situation some thought, that isn't going to work all the time.
sometimes, i am going to feel absolutely horrid, and there is going to be no easy way out. sometimes, i am going to have to persevere. sometimes, things are not going to go my way, through my own fault, or others.
This is what i signed up for.
does feeling bad have to be a bad thing though? what positive, can i get out of negative emotions and feelings? how can i build off of something that is not within my control, nor something i really want?
i will never be able to not feel. i will never be able to magically stop myself from feeling negative. i can however, write. what did i get out of todays demons, these words i am putting down right now. would i go back in time and change things? nope, i am happy where i am right now, and those feeling were a process of getting here.
