i have been through a lot. i can say confidently, all my life i have been struggling. i can also say it started it grade three, with a horrible teacher. the problems were always there, this teacher just made the most of them. since then, grade four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, and multiple unsuccessful years of grade twelve there have always been problems. school life wasn't for me. breakdowns, violent lash outs, and month long episodes of unmotivation, made school a personal type of hell, jot to mention the bullies, and unfortunately the bullying…
home life isn't all so bad though. i had friends, a huge field to explore, dogs and a loving family who stuck through my madness until this day, and continually. it wasn't perfect, but it was good.
not to diminish my elementary school struggles, but grade eleven is when it got really bad. fell into depression, stopped going to school, gained (bad wording) anxiety, and all that other fun stuff. since my first year of grade twelve four years ago, i have been hospitalised practically yearly, from yet again, yearly major suicide attempts. plus god knows how many more small attempts starting grade four.
yet i am here. writing this now. blame quantum suicide or believe in my faltered strength which was good enough to keep me alive, but i am here, very much alive, and strong.
it was only a few months ago where i figured stuff (expressive word) out. i am ready to live, but it requires work. and poor old lazy me needs some regiment to get all the stuff i want done, plus the stuff i don't want to do, that is the hard part.
simply proving to myself that i can do these things does not last long. so, i am going to add peer pressure into the mix. what i am going to start is a weekly progress blog to help motivate myself.
maybe adding in others expectations for getting better on top of my own will help get the metaphorical tetris blocks that don't fit in line.
i know how to fix my life, and i know how to progress beyond what is exoected of me. the hard part is just doing it.
“do or do not, there is no try” give it your all, or you can't say you tried. so many others give life their all, though i don't have work to regiment my effort, why can i not give it my all?
this week was good, but could be done better. overall i would say a 7/10 in the grand scheme, and 5/10 in context of improving myself.
my goal next week is to:
-wake up at ten daily.
-make it to volunteering
-finish my short story
-a chore a day
-a dog walk a day (11am)
-exercise (and stretch) once a day.
lets see how i will do.
home life isn't all so bad though. i had friends, a huge field to explore, dogs and a loving family who stuck through my madness until this day, and continually. it wasn't perfect, but it was good.
not to diminish my elementary school struggles, but grade eleven is when it got really bad. fell into depression, stopped going to school, gained (bad wording) anxiety, and all that other fun stuff. since my first year of grade twelve four years ago, i have been hospitalised practically yearly, from yet again, yearly major suicide attempts. plus god knows how many more small attempts starting grade four.
yet i am here. writing this now. blame quantum suicide or believe in my faltered strength which was good enough to keep me alive, but i am here, very much alive, and strong.
it was only a few months ago where i figured stuff (expressive word) out. i am ready to live, but it requires work. and poor old lazy me needs some regiment to get all the stuff i want done, plus the stuff i don't want to do, that is the hard part.
simply proving to myself that i can do these things does not last long. so, i am going to add peer pressure into the mix. what i am going to start is a weekly progress blog to help motivate myself.
maybe adding in others expectations for getting better on top of my own will help get the metaphorical tetris blocks that don't fit in line.
i know how to fix my life, and i know how to progress beyond what is exoected of me. the hard part is just doing it.
“do or do not, there is no try” give it your all, or you can't say you tried. so many others give life their all, though i don't have work to regiment my effort, why can i not give it my all?
this week was good, but could be done better. overall i would say a 7/10 in the grand scheme, and 5/10 in context of improving myself.
my goal next week is to:
-wake up at ten daily.
-make it to volunteering
-finish my short story
-a chore a day
-a dog walk a day (11am)
-exercise (and stretch) once a day.
lets see how i will do.