• Welcome to Autism Forums, a friendly forum to discuss Aspergers Syndrome, Autism, High Functioning Autism and related conditions.

    Your voice is missing! You will need to register to get access to the following site features:
    • Reply to discussions and create your own threads.
    • Our modern chat room. No add-ons or extensions required, just login and start chatting!
    • Private Member only forums for more serious discussions that you may wish to not have guests or search engines access to.
    • Your very own blog. Write about anything you like on your own individual blog.

    We hope to see you as a part of our community soon! Please also check us out @ https://www.twitter.com/aspiescentral

Abort, Retry, Ignore, Fail?

I'm anxious today. My short holiday is coming to an end, and tomorrow marks the day I'll be starting my final internship before graduating med school. I've been very excited about this, but ever so insidiously, The Fear started creeping in over the past few days. Maybe it's because I've been inside the house for too long. Maybe it's because I got ridiculously drunk last week. Maybe it's because I'm still not sure whether I should disclose my Aspergers to my colleagues. Whatever the reason, I'm filled with fatalistic thoughts today.

One of the main reasons is that I've been at this department before, for the same type of internship, but crashed and burned at the time. I was a depressed mess, called in sick all the time because of it, was anxious when I did show up because I figured people thought I was a mess too. I was unable to graduate at that time, and the department did not want to offer me a redo on account of how much of a mess I was. That was three years ago.

I wondered if it would be wise to go back to this very same department again, but it so happens to be the place I would like to work in the future. I figured I'm a different person now. More mature, more mentally stable, more sociable. On my application I was very honest about dropping out three years ago due to depression, and asked if they would welcome me back. The person that answered my application this time wasn't there the last time around, but told me it was no problem. And now, these last few days, I keep having recurring fears. What if the people who were there three years ago decide I'm still a hot mess? What if they remember me and decide I'm not worth their effort? What if I'm not actually as well as I thought? For the first time since I finished CBT last year, I find myself repeating the exercise they taught me.

These thoughts are not helpful. I have no reason to believe these thoughts.

I have been doing extremely well this year. I am a good doctor. People like me as a person.

I know all of this to be true. Now I'll just repeat it to myself until I feel it too. And then just take the plunge tomorrow. Because there's no reason not to.

Comments

I hope it is going well! I myself would be very wary of disclosing - it has seemed to me that those in the medical profession are the least understanding concerning issues like this when it comes to their own peers. Or that they will then try to box you in with their own limited understanding/theories about Asperger Syndrome. But that is just my own bias, of course.
 
I hope it is going well! I myself would be very wary of disclosing - it has seemed to me that those in the medical profession are the least understanding concerning issues like this when it comes to their own peers. Or that they will then try to box you in with their own limited understanding/theories about Asperger Syndrome. But that is just my own bias, of course.
All is going well so far! I've decided not to disclose. I am candid about the fact that this is my second time around because of depression on my first try, but I leave it at that.
 
I am rather glad that you decided not to disclose your Aspergers to your peers. I agree with Ambi, but have more reasons.

One reason, is that members of the medical profession are among pros that are protective of each other. If you are singled out as different and maybe not really one of them, you could become ostracized. This could be detrimental to you being able to work effectively.

Another reason is slightly selfish. I would like for a person with Aspergers to succeed in medicine. Once you are recognised as being a credit to your profession, then maybe you can disclose and reflect well on all of us.
 
I am rather glad that you decided not to disclose your Aspergers to your peers. I agree with Ambi, but have more reasons.

One reason, is that members of the medical profession are among pros that are protective of each other. If you are singled out as different and maybe not really one of them, you could become ostracized. This could be detrimental to you being able to work effectively.

Another reason is slightly selfish. I would like for a person with Aspergers to succeed in medicine. Once you are recognised as being a credit to your profession, then maybe you can disclose and reflect well on all of us.
So far, I have disclosed to two coworkers. This was after they told me they are on the spectrum. I think I've stumbled on to the department with the highest concentration of Aspies in the hospital, haha.
 

Blog entry information

Author
Bolletje
Read time
2 min read
Views
2,136
Comments
4
Last update

More entries in General

  • Self-assessment struggles
    You know. I always mention how there are clues in our wording, when we are down on ourselves...
  • Anglo Saxons
    I am looking to do a thesis at the end of my history degree ie: when all the coursework has been...
  • Feelings
    The feeling Of rain inside, the storm, the cold, the darkness. The need to keep the lights off...
  • Executive functioning
    Not that long ago, I found out what executive functioning means. Once I understood what it was...
  • I have an idea
    I have started looking into the idea of a dual layered system. Masking and a psychological...

More entries from Bolletje

Share this entry

Top Bottom