Hello blog, it's been a while. Last time I posted an update I had just gone through a mini-psychotic break and I had just been diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Today I will be ranting a little, rather than posting clever and/or insightful and/or funny things. No grand things have happened to me in the meantime, but sometimes small things are important too. I'm slowly returning to work, with ample time off to work on my mental health. My boss is nice like that, for which I am grateful.
I've been focusing on my mental health. Mainly this means recovering from my depression, which is a loooong road this time around. I was actually in a really good place until the psychotic break came around, which slowly sent me back into darkness. I'm still waiting for things to get better - with the help of one psychiatrist, one psychotherapist, two psychologists and a nurse - but I'm a little stuck. I'm waiting for my medication (Lithium) to take effect, but first my blood levels have to be at an effective range, which has taken over a month now and we still can't get it at the right range yet. Going about daily life is a chore at the moment. Really all I want to do is sleep, and wake up when I feel better. If feeling better is not an option, that's a hard pass on waking up at all. But I keep going, because otherwise I'll just feel worse.
A positive aspect of my mental health is that I've been in a treatment program for anxiety and panic disorder. I'm not going to say I was cured, because that would be a lie, but my anxiety has definitely been reduced, making my world a lot bigger. I can go grocery shopping without panicking and I can visit a shopping mall without constantly thinking about the nearest fire exit or bathroom. I call that a win.
I'm working on acceptance. It's a slow process. I've finally come to the realization that I do have a disability, even if I really don't want to be disabled. I realize it, but that doesn't mean acceptance is there yet. I'm angry, I'm sad, heartbroken really, and I still find myself wishing it were different. It's frustrating to be confronted with your own limitations when you know you have so much potential. In an ideal world I would be able to choose the job I like. But in this world, I'll probably be stuck working this job - which I don't really care about - because they're so nice to me while sick and it's not too demanding. It's depressing because my work and my passion have always been intertwined. My hospital work was so intensely interesting and rewarding. This job isn't, but it also doesn't have night shifts or acutely ill patients. It's maddening, really. I'm still not sure where I'll end up. I don't want to accept myself into a boring job if I could be doing something interesting as well. But I don't want to be doing said interesting job if it will cause me to burn out. I feel like I can't win, but I know I will figure it out at some point. Somehow.
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Depression and acceptance