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A letter to you, my love

I dreamed that I was in an apartment, in a building with glass walls, making breakfast for my kids.

Suddenly someone calls me on the phone (I was wearing my Iphone’s headphones) and it was you.

I get excited, happy, and move away from the kitchen, so no one can hear me.

You talked to me, so cheerfully. We hadn’t talked in a while and you wanted to see how I was doing.
I was delighted. I tried to make you see, with the camera, the garden that could be seen from where I was: beautiful, like a garden from the movie The Crown.

You were talking about coming to visit me. You also talked about your boss, which meant that you already had a job.We were both so happy. I was a happy mother, in a happy apartment, a place with the garden of a queen. I think I felt like one too.

You talked in a manner that it was obvious that you loved me, adored me, needed me... and that I made your world.

Good morning my love.

You once said, after a crisis when you wanted disappear: “I love you, I try so hard” , and immediately you said that I was better off without you. You were breaking up with me, but I pulled you back in.

I knew there was something good, but also wrong, in that statement. I think it was the first time that you said “I love you” without me saying it first (a few times before that, I think just three).

Was it because knowing that I would not be there, would be the only way you could feel safe saying those words?

The only way you knew that I wouldn’t “use”’your words against you?

Oh baby, you are afraid of love. More specifically, afraid of women’s love.

And I end up falling in love with guys like you. Guys that I can put in a pedestal, like my father. Guys that, like my father, end up being inaccessible.

It’s like trying to break the wall that he built over the years, with every relationship that I’ve had. Failing every time.

Why the failure? Because you are also enacting the need to reject your mother, and give her what she deserves, for being so mean as to mix cruelty with love.

So, at the first sign of serious love, or the first sign of something that reminds you of her (good or bad, but I assume, mostly bad, like pointing out flaws in you that affect me) you know that there’s the cue to start protecting yourself, by getting cold, and /or looking for a way out.

The sad part: I know that you, actually loved me at a certain point (like the others). But there was always some “imperfection” that would make me unlovable. Truth is, nobody will ever be perfect for you, because women have this thing of wanting to get close in order to love. Wanting to be too close is, in your book, the worst imperfection of all.

But you already know that. That’s why you cherish your solitude.

That feeling, “love”, was too much, too overwhelming, because it was too similar to the love that you once had for your mother, when you were a child. The mother that betrayed you, the mother that also made you understand the meaning of suffering, and hate.

When you said you forgave me, because “I was talking from a position of resentment, and what was owed to me”, you were actually talking to her. It was as if you were surprised that I was hurt by your attitude, as if I was not permitted to feel hurt by you.

That kind of love, where it doesn’t matter if the other person hurts me (because I will love him the same), is only found in mothers. That’s the unconditional love towards a child.

I only have unconditional love for my own kids. For you, and anybody else, love will always be conditional.

I told you that I needed you to try to put yourself in my shoes. That you had to make an effort in that regard, to have a relationship with me. That if you were not willing to make that effort, that I didn’t know what I was doing having a relationship with you.

You answered that you couldn’t, because you didn’t have empathy; and that if I was not accepting of who you were, or who you were not, then you would respect that.

You will always live in my mind, just as my other significant loves will also always live in my mind.

But I need a guy that is not afraid of me, of my love.

Maybe a normal guy, a guy that I won’t put on a pedestal.

I hope you have an amazing day.

Comments

Good letter Sabrina! I'm so sorry you are dealing with this and can relate to some degree. Why does love have to be so damn hard? I don't mind taking the risk to be emotionally intimate but need for the guy to take a risk as well. I hope you can find someone who had a loving and healthy connection with his mother and who will appreciate you for the person you are! Lucy
 
Good letter Sabrina! I'm so sorry you are dealing with this and can relate to some degree. Why does love have to be so damn hard? I don't mind taking the risk to be emotionally intimate but need for the guy to take a risk as well. I hope you can find someone who had a loving and healthy connection with his mother and who will appreciate you for the person you are! Lucy
Thank you @LucyPurrs , your words mean a lot to me.
 
Such a beautiful letter. I know how you feel. I am going through the same things with my current partner. We are dating a month but today is the first day he didn' reply to my emails. We love each other...He always finish our conversations saying that he loves me and I tell him the same. I want us to continue our relatinship but is it possible? I also have children and he also has mother who left his father when he was little. Its hard. I hope you find someone who appreciate your love. I don't know what will happen with us.
 

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Sabrina
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