I thought I would spare the chat room of more thoughts.
I am thinking of different cultures. People tend to forum groups. These groups grow, split, shrink and all the other stuff groups do. One group can turn into hundreds of little ones, and all these groups over time forum different cultures. With separation, people deviate from the norm, change, and forum a different norm.
People in different cultures act differently. Their deviation from norm is excused by them being a different culture. Us, we are different, but not because we are from somewhere else than where we are living, so we don't get that excuse.
I think, what is the difference? People act differently all the time, and the way we act different is not excuseable?
Okay, that line of thought wasn't as well put as it was in my head.
I don't want to get triggered. Writing about all my negative stuff is a big trigger, but I need to vent, or just write these things down. I am kinda lazy. Lately, I have just kind of had the acceptance that sooner or later I am going to kill my self. Shocking, edgy, hopeless, sad, depressing, call it what you like, but I feel it might be a fact of life, and I have just kind of accepted it. I have more just accepted that I have no idea what is going to happen in my future, but by looking at my current tragectory and the things I can see today, chances are I am on thin ice.
Somtimes I get a feeling, maybe after a busy day. I just think, if I am going to die sometime soon, then why not now? The thought is tempting. I have a philosophy surrounding suicide that I am not going to get into tonight It makes my outlook on suicide as something positive. I have my reasons. I look forward to it almost. A kind of, 'let's get this over with,' type feeling.
Hope is a tricky thing. It is a powerful motivator, but crushing when you loose it.
My deffence is to not care about anything, accept my situation as a lost battle and let the end creep up. I dont try because I am hopeful anymore. I used to, but the feeling of loosing hope and going into meltdown was a crushing blow, and was struck over and over again.
I don't want to be hopeful, because I know all that hope will get beaten out of me.
I am thinking of different cultures. People tend to forum groups. These groups grow, split, shrink and all the other stuff groups do. One group can turn into hundreds of little ones, and all these groups over time forum different cultures. With separation, people deviate from the norm, change, and forum a different norm.
People in different cultures act differently. Their deviation from norm is excused by them being a different culture. Us, we are different, but not because we are from somewhere else than where we are living, so we don't get that excuse.
I think, what is the difference? People act differently all the time, and the way we act different is not excuseable?
Okay, that line of thought wasn't as well put as it was in my head.
I don't want to get triggered. Writing about all my negative stuff is a big trigger, but I need to vent, or just write these things down. I am kinda lazy. Lately, I have just kind of had the acceptance that sooner or later I am going to kill my self. Shocking, edgy, hopeless, sad, depressing, call it what you like, but I feel it might be a fact of life, and I have just kind of accepted it. I have more just accepted that I have no idea what is going to happen in my future, but by looking at my current tragectory and the things I can see today, chances are I am on thin ice.
Somtimes I get a feeling, maybe after a busy day. I just think, if I am going to die sometime soon, then why not now? The thought is tempting. I have a philosophy surrounding suicide that I am not going to get into tonight It makes my outlook on suicide as something positive. I have my reasons. I look forward to it almost. A kind of, 'let's get this over with,' type feeling.
Hope is a tricky thing. It is a powerful motivator, but crushing when you loose it.
My deffence is to not care about anything, accept my situation as a lost battle and let the end creep up. I dont try because I am hopeful anymore. I used to, but the feeling of loosing hope and going into meltdown was a crushing blow, and was struck over and over again.
I don't want to be hopeful, because I know all that hope will get beaten out of me.
