I don't feel any better, I just feel in conflict. I know my possible life could be awesome, but I don't know If I can get there, and operate, even when i am living the dream. I have so much progress to make, and sitting at the bottom of this mountain, looking up and knowing I have to climb all the way up, it is daunting. I don't like to think about the future that much, not in depth. It is a hard thing not knowing if I am going to be alive in the next five years to do any of this stuff.
I don't know. I really just don't know. I don't know what I don't know about, but I know in my head that I don't know about something. I am tired of this, I just wan't to not wan't to kill myself, is that a bit to much to ask? in seriousness, I am afraid it may be. I have been struggling with suicidal thoughts for the majority of my life, all the way back to elementary school. I kind of have to think, if this all there is? Is there ever going to be a point where I feel satisfied with living? those may be the questions I don't know. it is a lot to think about, and not something that I can have a definite answer to. My nightmare is that I will get to where I wan't to go, but still be miserable. if that is so, and I knew without a doubt right here, I would have no problem ending it. A lot tells me I am going to be miserable throughout life, but only biking and skiing are keeping me hopeful for something. @Myway was talking about a injury she had while skiing, it was bad enough she almost got paralysed. I can't think of anything more frightening, because my two sport are all I have that are keeping me hopeful. My cousin even said that he would kill himself if he became paralysed. I don't think he would, but for me. I would not be able to overcome how much that takes away from me.
I am learning a song on the piano. This is a big thing for me. Most of the music I listen to are piano pieces, and I have wanted to learn it for years and years. I have put a considerable amount of time into practicing. Way more than I thought I could. I got the first two parts down pat, and it is only getting harder, I feel I am up for the challenge. This is a relatively small thing, but I think It might be telling me something larger. Maybe this means something, that I am finally willing to put effort into getting what I wan't. or maybe it is just me wanting to be able to show off. it doesn't real matter what it means though, I am going to learn the ever loving sh- I need not continue.
ba pow pow bu dum ti.
ahhhhh I am board. Watching a hyper 1 year old cat is pretty entertaining, but not enough. I have no idea what to type about, I am just kind of putting my thoughts into words right now. maybe some tea for better yet something without caffeine. it is pretty late. I would check, but I am sitting here in a rocking chair, doing my thing writing. I am not even keeping my eyes on the screen, so many other interesting things to look at. I frogot my phone back in the city. Correction, I lost my phone so I couldn't find It. I think my cousin has it with my ski pants. Who knows, I am not in any effort to get anxiety over it. Weird how I can just tell my brain not to care. I got a calvin and hobbies strip for this.
it is late. I should go to sleep, maybe after a smoke. I really should get off of them. you know what i really need though, a bullet through the head. ahh, only kidding. half kidding. I have a weird state of mind. I want to kill myself, but ehhhhhh later… I am a horrible procrastinator tree once said to me, i am going to die before i end up killing myself. she might have a point. Despite the dark subject matter. I am just playing around, kind of typing whatever comes to mind. This cat is so hyper, it is two clock and he is running around the apartment jumping up onto everything and playing with whatever his attention is on, which changes very fast. I wonder what it is like to be a cat. This cat looks like he is having a lot of fun.
ohhhhh, yeah. this has been on my mind, and I kind of wan't to talk about it. My dad has been having a bad cough for the past like two months, at one point he had to go to the emerge for something relating to it. The doctors checked it out and so far my parents at least tell me that it is okay, but he keeps coughing. A little while ago I noticed some new fridge magnets. Family cancer support. yeah, anxiety alarms went through the roof. What it would do to my family if my dad died would be unspeakable. The thing is though. I don't have that much emotional empathy. I realized this a little while back that I do not take how much it would hurt my family into consideration if I kill myself. To the point in which it is kind of scary. I did at one point, but all my empathy for what my choice would do to them was something I didn't think about for a long time. This whole thing with my dad. I can't actually see myself being overly sad if he dies or gets cancer, I was just thinking how much of a pain in the ass it would be for my family already in a bad situation, and all the stuff I am going to have to go through. It is selfish, but that is how my brain is working, I just really don't care about all these things.
There where two times where our pets died. The first was my dog named Brutus. We had him since I was like five or something like that. A big Saint Brenard and Newfoundlander mix. He lived to years older than his expected age. He got bone cancer in one of his front legs, you could see the tumour. It was sad, There where moments where I was brought to tears, but I question if they where real. I remember my sisters, and even my parents where torn by it, and relative to me, I was no where near their emotions. I also remember the times I cried, I had to kind of force myself to, I did it because I thought I kind of had to, to fit in. Another dog died years later. This one was a small nippy little thing, she loved to start fights and act way to aggressive towards on of my bigger dogs. It wasn't really a problem, until we got another dog. The small dog would get nippy, and it would escalate. I got home, and my sister was freaking out, the little dog got hurt really badly and had to go to the vet, my mom got home a few minutes earlier than me and took her. There was blood everywhere, and I just cleaned it up pissed about the mess. I knew when the fights started getting frequent that this was going to happen, and emotionally, I did not care at all. I didn't have one moment where I was even overly sad that the dog had to be put down.
I don't know how I would react to one of my close family members dying. it won't be normal, but that is all I know. My mind is messed up and twisted at that fundamental level after years and years of a bad childhood to the point where I feel emotionally mute. I just don't really connect emotionally anymore, and It is starting to scare me.
I thought I had a personality disorder at one point. I showed a lot of signs of Anti-socail Personality Disorder, but didn't completely fit. I stopped thinking that after a while. I have heard of connections between Aspergers and PDs. And I think it might be something. I am generally a nice person, but I can get to be the worst person ever if I am in a bad mood. I have never hurt my mom, but I have said some stuff that hurts more than I can ever hit her. I enjoyed it, I enjoyed emotionally hurting her. I don't know if it was from a sadistic pleasure, or a self harm thing, as I destroyed my relationship with her, all I remember is that it felt good. It happened a few times, and my mom just kind of learned that it was a meltdown thing. I don't feel nice writing about this. This is the kind of stuff that makes me have no hope. I am just damaged. After all that I have been through, I have physical and mental scars all over myself, and I question if I can heal.
i'm not in such a good mood any more. I just wan't this sh- poopshow of a life to end sometimes. I don't care if it is the right or wrong choice, I just wan't to run from my pain and emotions. it isn't the right choice. I know it. Knowing it isn't the right choice, and wanting to escape my emotions don't work together, and that fight for life, and fight for death inside me tares me apart. I am so afraid of trying, or actually giving a damn, because I don't want that fight in me anymore. I don't want to switch from being suicidal to wanting to live, then back over and over again. I just don't wan't to put up with any of this anymore.
IIIIII am a maaaaaaaaaaaan of constant sorrrrrrroooooooows, I've seen trouble on my days.
the cat is finally asleep, maybe I should try to get some sleep to. I don't think writing anymore is going to help me feel better.
I don't know. I really just don't know. I don't know what I don't know about, but I know in my head that I don't know about something. I am tired of this, I just wan't to not wan't to kill myself, is that a bit to much to ask? in seriousness, I am afraid it may be. I have been struggling with suicidal thoughts for the majority of my life, all the way back to elementary school. I kind of have to think, if this all there is? Is there ever going to be a point where I feel satisfied with living? those may be the questions I don't know. it is a lot to think about, and not something that I can have a definite answer to. My nightmare is that I will get to where I wan't to go, but still be miserable. if that is so, and I knew without a doubt right here, I would have no problem ending it. A lot tells me I am going to be miserable throughout life, but only biking and skiing are keeping me hopeful for something. @Myway was talking about a injury she had while skiing, it was bad enough she almost got paralysed. I can't think of anything more frightening, because my two sport are all I have that are keeping me hopeful. My cousin even said that he would kill himself if he became paralysed. I don't think he would, but for me. I would not be able to overcome how much that takes away from me.
I am learning a song on the piano. This is a big thing for me. Most of the music I listen to are piano pieces, and I have wanted to learn it for years and years. I have put a considerable amount of time into practicing. Way more than I thought I could. I got the first two parts down pat, and it is only getting harder, I feel I am up for the challenge. This is a relatively small thing, but I think It might be telling me something larger. Maybe this means something, that I am finally willing to put effort into getting what I wan't. or maybe it is just me wanting to be able to show off. it doesn't real matter what it means though, I am going to learn the ever loving sh- I need not continue.
ba pow pow bu dum ti.
ahhhhh I am board. Watching a hyper 1 year old cat is pretty entertaining, but not enough. I have no idea what to type about, I am just kind of putting my thoughts into words right now. maybe some tea for better yet something without caffeine. it is pretty late. I would check, but I am sitting here in a rocking chair, doing my thing writing. I am not even keeping my eyes on the screen, so many other interesting things to look at. I frogot my phone back in the city. Correction, I lost my phone so I couldn't find It. I think my cousin has it with my ski pants. Who knows, I am not in any effort to get anxiety over it. Weird how I can just tell my brain not to care. I got a calvin and hobbies strip for this.
it is late. I should go to sleep, maybe after a smoke. I really should get off of them. you know what i really need though, a bullet through the head. ahh, only kidding. half kidding. I have a weird state of mind. I want to kill myself, but ehhhhhh later… I am a horrible procrastinator tree once said to me, i am going to die before i end up killing myself. she might have a point. Despite the dark subject matter. I am just playing around, kind of typing whatever comes to mind. This cat is so hyper, it is two clock and he is running around the apartment jumping up onto everything and playing with whatever his attention is on, which changes very fast. I wonder what it is like to be a cat. This cat looks like he is having a lot of fun.
ohhhhh, yeah. this has been on my mind, and I kind of wan't to talk about it. My dad has been having a bad cough for the past like two months, at one point he had to go to the emerge for something relating to it. The doctors checked it out and so far my parents at least tell me that it is okay, but he keeps coughing. A little while ago I noticed some new fridge magnets. Family cancer support. yeah, anxiety alarms went through the roof. What it would do to my family if my dad died would be unspeakable. The thing is though. I don't have that much emotional empathy. I realized this a little while back that I do not take how much it would hurt my family into consideration if I kill myself. To the point in which it is kind of scary. I did at one point, but all my empathy for what my choice would do to them was something I didn't think about for a long time. This whole thing with my dad. I can't actually see myself being overly sad if he dies or gets cancer, I was just thinking how much of a pain in the ass it would be for my family already in a bad situation, and all the stuff I am going to have to go through. It is selfish, but that is how my brain is working, I just really don't care about all these things.
There where two times where our pets died. The first was my dog named Brutus. We had him since I was like five or something like that. A big Saint Brenard and Newfoundlander mix. He lived to years older than his expected age. He got bone cancer in one of his front legs, you could see the tumour. It was sad, There where moments where I was brought to tears, but I question if they where real. I remember my sisters, and even my parents where torn by it, and relative to me, I was no where near their emotions. I also remember the times I cried, I had to kind of force myself to, I did it because I thought I kind of had to, to fit in. Another dog died years later. This one was a small nippy little thing, she loved to start fights and act way to aggressive towards on of my bigger dogs. It wasn't really a problem, until we got another dog. The small dog would get nippy, and it would escalate. I got home, and my sister was freaking out, the little dog got hurt really badly and had to go to the vet, my mom got home a few minutes earlier than me and took her. There was blood everywhere, and I just cleaned it up pissed about the mess. I knew when the fights started getting frequent that this was going to happen, and emotionally, I did not care at all. I didn't have one moment where I was even overly sad that the dog had to be put down.
I don't know how I would react to one of my close family members dying. it won't be normal, but that is all I know. My mind is messed up and twisted at that fundamental level after years and years of a bad childhood to the point where I feel emotionally mute. I just don't really connect emotionally anymore, and It is starting to scare me.
I thought I had a personality disorder at one point. I showed a lot of signs of Anti-socail Personality Disorder, but didn't completely fit. I stopped thinking that after a while. I have heard of connections between Aspergers and PDs. And I think it might be something. I am generally a nice person, but I can get to be the worst person ever if I am in a bad mood. I have never hurt my mom, but I have said some stuff that hurts more than I can ever hit her. I enjoyed it, I enjoyed emotionally hurting her. I don't know if it was from a sadistic pleasure, or a self harm thing, as I destroyed my relationship with her, all I remember is that it felt good. It happened a few times, and my mom just kind of learned that it was a meltdown thing. I don't feel nice writing about this. This is the kind of stuff that makes me have no hope. I am just damaged. After all that I have been through, I have physical and mental scars all over myself, and I question if I can heal.
i'm not in such a good mood any more. I just wan't this sh- poopshow of a life to end sometimes. I don't care if it is the right or wrong choice, I just wan't to run from my pain and emotions. it isn't the right choice. I know it. Knowing it isn't the right choice, and wanting to escape my emotions don't work together, and that fight for life, and fight for death inside me tares me apart. I am so afraid of trying, or actually giving a damn, because I don't want that fight in me anymore. I don't want to switch from being suicidal to wanting to live, then back over and over again. I just don't wan't to put up with any of this anymore.
IIIIII am a maaaaaaaaaaaan of constant sorrrrrrroooooooows, I've seen trouble on my days.
the cat is finally asleep, maybe I should try to get some sleep to. I don't think writing anymore is going to help me feel better.
